(All Sexual)
I was getting kinky with a girl and I used those anal beads on her. The idea behind them is that you pull them out when she's about to.. ahem orgasm. Anyways, usually I just left the beads inside her and messed around elsewhere. When I got her very close to that point I went to pull them out, but it turns out her ass basically ate them. Long story short, rather than fess up to my crimes I just kept dirty talking her, toying with her butt saying "you fucken love that don't you?" (secretly trying to get them out). Success rate seemed low so I was picturing myself talking to a doctor at a hospital about what had happened as I was still cussing and telling her how sexy she is. In the end, I just told her and she had to go fish them out in the bathroom, it took a surprisingly long amount of time, but she wasn't mad. We even posted it on FML.
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Next, I'm banned from a hospital for this one (unless i'm dying).
My girlfriends mother was in the hospital and, naturally, she went and spent a few nights with her. I went over to visit and we were a little frisky. I couldn't think of a place to mess around so I guided her into the men's washroom. I looked at all the stalls and we ended up going into the handicap one (largest one). Anyways, as we're messing around in there someone comes into the bathroom. I figure he's going to take a leak, but nope. He goes into the stall RIGHT next to us, I hear the toilet seat slam down, I hear his pants unzip and I can see his shoes from underneath the stall.
My jaw totally dropped seeing this while I was "inside" my girl. I had a hard time holding in my laughter, but I managed to compose myself. Well, the guy started humming a song, clicked his feet together in sync, and had moments of ahem, potty noises. I absolutely blew up with laughter as my horrified girlfriend was completely speechless, spread wide open, right in front of me.
I figured, time to get out of here and we snuck out. Well, there was a camera right at the entrance to the washrooms... bam, busted.
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This girl was giving me head for -her- first time ever. As I started to cum she prepared herself, but she ended up tickling me with her hand while trying to be sexy and I started laughing at her the whole time while I was cumming on her. I honestly think I gave her an emotional complex from that.
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Damn, I feel sorry for anyone that's intimate with me

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