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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
INFP likes ISFJ, not sure how he feels. Help?

Ok, this story ended up being sort of involved and long winded, but any ISFJs have any advice?

So, my best friend and roommate has this other best friend (male) who she met at Nerd Camp in sixth grade and has had a long distance friendship with ever since. When my roommate and I became friends, she would always talk about this guy and I would sometimes interject on their phone conversations with wildly inappropriate comments just to be silly. Then I started sending him hilariously creepy text messages that said things like "I like the way you brush your teeth" or "I want to pour honey on your stomach and wipe it off with a towel." (I'm not actually that creepy, I had the permission and encouragement of our mutual best friend and I tend to be a little out there when breaking the ice.) Anyway, this was the impression he had of me on top of the nice things our friend had told him. I'm sure he was confused, haha.

Needless to say, he was rather hesitant when we invited him to stay with us for a week this summer. But when I picked him up from the airport, I felt an instant connection. We never had an awkward silence between us, or an uncomfortable moment. We went to a small social gathering of my roommate's and my friends where my roommate ended up staying the night. So I drove her friend and I back to our house since neither of us is really a stay the night at a party type. We were going to pop in a movie and hang out but we ended up talking for hours. We ended up upstairs in my roommates bed and he told me about his past relationships and his problems with depression and I shared my own stories. It felt like we really understood each other, which isn't something I often feel. I cuddled up to him and we fell asleep, but I could feel him kiss my forehead before I drifted off.

The next morning I woke up before my roommate got back and went and got in my own bed. Later that day, this boy asked me if I agreed that last night was weird. You see, I had a boyfriend during this time, and he was concerned that I would feel guilty. I was already planning on breaking up with my boyfriend because I was incredibly unhappy in that relationship, but it was easier to just put it off since he was in a different state for the summer. Anyway, that night my roommate and I had three more previously planned house guests arrive and invited three more so we had a party and I was so overwhelmed, I had to go hide in my room with some beers. I guess this guy felt equally overwhelmed because after a while, he joined me and we talked about how it's nice to have someone else there who isn't necessarily a social butterfly and how everyone downstairs was just too much to handle. We finished my beers and rejoined the party but stuck by each others sides the rest of the night. When everyone else went to bed, every sleeping arrangement was taken except for my bed and my floor. So we went upstairs and he went through the pretense of laying out a sleeping bag on my floor, but he got in my bed and we talked for a long time and then we started making out and one thing led to another and we didn't have sex, but just barely.

We agreed that this should be a one time thing and in the morning tried to pretend it hadn't happened, but I ended up telling my roommate and she sort of gave me a talk about how I needed to break up with my boyfriend before I slept with this boy and I agreed and then I found out my grandma died and I had to drive up to Maryland anyway. So I spent another night with this boy, not having sex but talking and fooling around. He was a virgin so I figured he didn't want to have sex anyway. I went home for the funeral the next day and on my way broke up with my boyfriend.

When I got back, I found out that this guy did want to have sex with me, just not while I had a boyfriend. So he gave me his virginity and we spent the next three days having sex and talking. It was like heaven. Then he had to leave and we agreed to stay friends and to talk about everything. For the first week after he left, we talked almost every night and it was great. Then he started his first week of college and he stopped calling, which makes sense and didn't bother me at all. We still texted each other a lot. Then he stopped initiating contact at all. He still responds when I text him. We had a brief conversation on facebook and I told him about a disastrous attempt at dating and he told me that he liked some girl. I realized that I felt jealous but I tried to be supportive. Then he just stopped responding.

I don't know what to do. I want to keep him as a friend no matter what, but I don't know if he is acting this way because he's upset with me, he likes me, it's just how he is, what?
 

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Ok, this story ended up being sort of involved and long winded, but any ISFJs have any advice?

I don't know what to do. I want to keep him as a friend no matter what, but I don't know if he is acting this way because he's upset with me, he likes me, it's just how he is, what?
Most of my advice will seem prudish, but I will try to help.

I am more use to warning people before hand, of situations like this, but since you are in it already, it will be slightly more difficult. One, when you have an "intimate relationship" with someone, you create a bond with that person. This makes things very difficult, especially if you do not end up with that person.

With very limited information on this individual, its hard to tell his motivations. Either, he was just a good guy, who earnestly connected with you and you guys had a fling, or he was just a guy, who has certain lines he does not cross, but wanted the same thing that all guys want. Either way, you are a long distance from each other with only a new friendship and a few nights of intimacy between you two. You never learned his intentions, and so you are in the predicament you are.

The best advice I can give you is to give it some time, see how things work out. Do some self reflection, and reevaluated how you see relationships. If you have to move on, move on. If you guys end up together, great. "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."(Matthew 6:34 NIV)
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Also, btw, he is an ISFJ, not an INFJ. I just noticed that I typed it wrong in the title to this thread. Silly me.

I guess my problem is I had this romantic idea of us becoming inseparable friends who tell each other about everything (like we did when he was here) and think about each other all the time, then one day when we are both in more stable periods of our lives (largely due to each other) we would realize we are meant to be together and live happily ever after. He told me that he didn't want a relationship with anyone because he was too young but now he likes some girl and I guess wants to date her.

Anyway, I guess what I am asking is for any insight into his behavior, which was probably not very clear since I messed up the thread title.
 

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Also, btw, he is an ISFJ, not an INFJ. I just noticed that I typed it wrong in the title to this thread. Silly me.

I guess my problem is I had this romantic idea of us becoming inseparable friends who tell each other about everything (like we did when he was here) and think about each other all the time, then one day when we are both in more stable periods of our lives (largely due to each other) we would realize we are meant to be together and live happily ever after. He told me that he didn't want a relationship with anyone because he was too young but now he likes some girl and I guess wants to date her.

Anyway, I guess what I am asking is for any insight into his behavior, which was probably not very clear since I messed up the thread title.
Yes, that makes it slightly more different(btw, you should be able to edit the title).

ISFJ's do very much so want to get close to people, and the idea of inseparable friends is quite appealing to them, however if they like someone, they can see that there is a possibility to harm the one they like by their interactions with other friends of opposite gender, they are likely to pull away from them, so that they do not hurt anyone. If he ends up in a stable relationship with this girl, then it will be very awkward for him to interact with you. If you get into a relationship with someone else, it will lessen this awkwardness for him, and you might have a better chance of reconnecting as friends, but this is only if you just want to be friends.

Give him time though, let him figure things out. If he just has a crush with this new girl, then he will probably get over it. Most of my advice still stands though, so I hope it will be helpful.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Thanks, that does sound like him. My roommate used to always complain that he wouldn't call her because he had a girlfriend.

Oh, how irritating.
 

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I looked at this cos the title said INFJ, but here is my ten cents...(I'm ignoring type for this, just looking at the facts from the first post)

Lets cut to heart of this shall we?

Crazy and romantic episode here...then

he told me that he liked some girl.

....

Then he just stopped responding.

He probably liked you and thought you were cute, wanted to have sex with you but felt odd as you had a boyfriend. Had sex with you once the boyfriend was out of the picture, had a great time with you, and left.

He later met a girl he likes more.

He didn't make the same deep connection you thought you made with him.If he did he would want to contact you. He would contact you, or let you know he couldn't for whatever reason.

You misinterpreted the depth of his feeling for you, because you liked him so much...and wanted him to feel the same. Maybe you had a little bit of a crush on him from what you heard about him from your friend before he arrived too? This might have affected your judgment.

It doesn't matter if he said he felt the same, you were sleeping with him, and people say things to girls they are sleeping with (or want to sleep with) they don't always mean...or things they think they mean but turn out not to be true later.

Staying friends with you will create issues getting close to the girl he now likes, so he is cutting down contact. How would your deep friendship and the fact you fooled around sound to her?

Plus you did technically cheat on your boyfriend while you were with him (I don't judge), and it did weird him out. He might be worried at the back of his head (and with time to reflect) you might do the same to him. (I am not saying you would)

To him you are likely just a fun girl he liked and had sex with, but is now a long way away, while this other girl is available and close to hand.

You had a fundamental misunderstanding.

I might be wrong, but you can only find out by asking him. If you don’t want to do that, then I say stuff him...stop chasing him, move on and find someone more disserving of your time and energies. If he likes you he will wonder why you stopped talking to him and try and make contact. If he doesn’t he isn’t a great loss, as what you had wasn’t all that it seemed anyway.

Oh, and have a hug...*hug* because boys are confusing and mean.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
I looked at this cos the title said INFJ, but here is my ten cents...(I'm ignoring type for this, just looking at the facts from the first post)

Lets cut to heart of this shall we?

he told me that he liked some girl.

....

Then he just stopped responding.

Oh, and have a hug...*hug* because boys are confusing and mean.
*sigh*

Thanks for the perspective, haha.
And the hug.

I will try not to pine anymore.
 
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