[lumpofcoal]

Just wanted to know some advice for INTP+INFP?

 

[Orchidion]

More information would be welcome! I can´t speak for all of us here, but many here would certainly be glad to help you,

 

[Nordom]

Fire away - we're kind of suckers for this stuff. Check out the stickied INTP dating thread too. There are a lot of INFPs that ask for advice on dating us.

 

[Hurricane Matthew]

I have not dated an INFP, but I recently lost a very close INFP friend for reasons I don't understand. We were super close for a long time as if we were twins, but then there was some sort of clash that I'm not really sure what happened and she reacted badly to my offerings of help, I guess. She kept making completely irrational responses over and over so it just wore me out and eventually I ran out of words to say and she pushed me away for no reason from what I can tell. At one point, she said I was trying to help her issues the "thinker" way instead of the "feeler" way... though I had no idea what this was supposed to even mean as it came with no details/explanations and I wasn't left with much room to think it over. I think my friend would relate greatly to the first post on this thread: http://personalitycafe.com/infp-forum-idealists/137985-relationships-infps.html The INFP can be an extremely confusing creature as their Fi internalizes everything and they come up with strange emotional theories out of nowhere that will confuse any kind of person. If you're a depressive INFP, then sort out your emotional issues first...

 

[lumpofcoal]

this is going to be long, ok? I'll include a tl;dr!!!
So we have been friends for seven years? I remember thinking, "Wow, that's my type of guy" not really thinking that, but now I know that, that's what I thought (??? idk) the hair, the clothes, the way he laughed. How we made eye contact. Anyways.. Anyways I had a slight crush. I would get really nervous. It was so funny, we were barely acquaintances.. ANYWAYS. I had a crush, he didn't. (At that time, he liked this other girl.) After that year, we didn't really talk. And then, he texted me once, and then we were texting for a bit and that night he called me, had to go for dinner, and then, maybe a couple days later, he called again, we talked.. I'm thinking, "what in the world is this".
Well, so we became really close friends. But just friends. And then I went to college. I went to college on a different coast then where we live... Maybe the distance created a fondness in the heart? Because at this point, I had stopped liking him, but we were acting like a couple? I started liking him again and we were acting like a couple. But now he's with an ISFJ. I started something with an ISTJ but I broke it off because I knew that I loved him. I just couldn't say those words back to him because of my friend.

Now we get to the real stuff...
I really... like... him. Everything that he is, everything that we are.
I know that sounds lame and cliche but it is so true.
Essentially, I am friendzoned.
She's in the picture, so its hard to tell...
If we start something, and end up hating each other in the future, I am really going to miss him, and us.
Any advice?

TL;DR: My intp friend and I have been friends for seven years. Its killing me. What do I do..

 

[lumpofcoal]

Aw I'm really sorry about that...
She's probably really hurt by... something... you should talk to her about it? I would really encourage you to reach out to her again and try to reestablish the friendship. i really think infp-intp friendship is really valuable and something to be treasured among intps and infps.
Maybe she likes you?

 

[qingdom]

 

Oh, thank God... I'm so ... uhh flustered? By this whole thing, its exhausting..

Ok, it is kind of complicated... ok I'm kind of young so its not that complicated but anyways...

this is going to be long, ok? I'll include a tl;dr!!!

So we have been friends for three years? Freshman year of high school, we had class together, and I remember spotting him in my classroom and I remember thinking, "Wow, that's my type of guy" not really thinking that, but now I know that, that's what I thought (??? idk) the hair, the clothes, the way he laughed. How we made eye contact. Anyways.. (sorry my N side LOL) and then the teacher sat us next to each other and it was SO weird, because she was listing partners off, and when she said my name I just... knew??.. that she was going to say his name next .... ... And she did!

Anyways I had a slight crush. I would get really nervous. It was so funny, the way we interacted, everyday, at the beginning of class, we wouldn't say hi, just someone would say something first. We were barely acquaintances.. ANYWAYS. I had a crush, he didn't. (At that time, he liked this other girl.) After that year, soph we didn't really talk. And then junior year, he texted me once, and then we were texting for a bit and that night he called me, we talked for 20 mins, I had to go for dinner, and then, maybe a couple days later, he called again, we talked from 11pm to 4am. I'm thinking, "what in the world is this". hahaha. I guess I had discovered that special connection intp and infp have.

Well, so we became really close friends. But just friends. He listened to me rant about my feelings, guys I had crushes on but never had "guts to do anything about it" in his words. And I would listen to his stories about stuff. We talked off tangents and such. We talked all the time, for hours on end, till 4am and such. But we would never hang out, because he said "you're the only one who knows everything about me, that's why I can't talk to you in person" ok he said that's the reason why, later. everytime i saw him in school, he would basically just ignore me!

Anyways... senior year rolls around, and hes in my class the last semester. We talk for a bit, but those days, we didn't really talk. But then he seemed like a total stranger. He didn't want to be friends with me. He also said that he didn't want to talk to me after anymore, that he was totally gonna cut me off, so I panicked, and wrote mean things to him, criticized him. I was mad. But even more than mad.. I was just hurt that he didn't want to be friends anymore, and also I had started to like him. Anyways, i prepared to never talk to him again... I got over it. In the summer. I basically forgot about it.

But then he called me a little into summer, we started talking like every night again. And then I went to college. I went to college on a different coast then where we live... Maybe the distance created a fondness in the heart? Because at this point, I had stopped liking him, but we were acting like a couple?

ANYWAYS, ... I started liking him again and we were acting like a couple. But I think he may have been more brother-sister affectionate, or friendly affectionate... but was he subconsciously romantically involved? WHo knows... anyways,

Sigh. What happened was that he started to like my roommate -_-... yes. And I skyped with him almost every night till late hours, and then it slowly moved to THEM skyping... and they just confessed to each other about liking each other. This happened last year.
Now its been two months since they officially been labeled. She's an ISFJ btw. They've only met twice in real life... anyways..

Now we get to the real stuff... He told me he loved me this one night, and I know that he does. But even before my roommate came in the picture, he said I was "too emotional for him". He's always said that I was "the little sister he never wanted" and that he needs to "take care of me" and things like that... but he also said that he needs this friendship more than me. He always says that he doesn't say/express it a lot, but he secretly really values and treasures our friendship. Its true to his type, the way he can't deal with my strong moments of emotion, the way he belittles my strong emotional side (ok that sounds harsher than it really is), the way he can go years without talking to me and not really care but at the same time he really cares about me and our friendship!? (wtffff? LOL..) ... And he thinks I'm too emotional and idealistic and care too much about others' feelings, e.t.c....

I really... like... him. Everything that he is, everything that we are.

Besides that emotional stuff, he also has high standards... And he says I dress like crap everyday which is true LOL.

It seems like he's always scared of how similar we are, and how obvious it is that we look like we should be together, like he never wants to admit it, or something idk...

But it felt like i could have had a chance, if my roommate didn't happen. Its his first relationship. And I don't even know if one can call skype dates the equivalence of a relationship.

What pissed me off is just... why does he even like her? Why would an intp like isfj... they're so opposite, no WAIT they really ARE opposite except both introverted?? And she doesn't even like him... she doesn't see the real him, like I do. I know that sounds lame and cliche but it is so true. I feel like no one can know him like I know him.

Essentially, I am friendzoned.

But sometimes I feel like, when we talk, its obvious the deep love we feel for each other, but why is he scared? I don't know...

She's in the picture, so its hard to tell...

If we start something, and end up hating each other in the future, I am really going to miss him, and us.

What the heck should I do!!!!

TL;DR: My intp friend and I have been friends for three years. talking on the phone, skyping till late hours in the night. He always saw me as a little sis, and I saw him as a friend. he said I was too emotional for him. But sometimes it feels like we are almost there.... But when we were almost there, my roommate and him started going out, but in a long distance relationship. Its killing me. What do I do..

I know there's the whole "you should respect their relationship" but honestly its not going to last. She doesn't like/love him... He's really attached to her and will not be the one to break up with her, she will. But really, I don't think they're going to last. I feel like a b!tch saying these things, but they're not... I'm just looking for advice on what I should do because I really like him, and I'm going crazy, quite frankly. I don't know how I can,.. uh live with this. Just being friends.

@Ista would have +1 to rage tolerance meter, however, in her absence, I'll fix it.

 

[Hurricane Matthew]

@lumpofcoal I actually relate to this INTP you know in that he sees you, the INFP, as a little sister or something. My INFP friend I mentioned was also pretty much like that for me; I saw her as a sibling sort of relationship and never considered it getting further than that. I suppose it was just that sort of bond? I thought she would just be there forever as someone to fall back on when things went awry elsewhere, but she didn't have any romantic traits for me. I don't know how true it is for other INTPs, but I don't think I could get romantically involved with someone unless they have proven to be viable discussion and work partners so I know that we could mentally get through anything by working well together. And by discussion it doesn't necessarily mean life's problems. The person I have a little crush for right now ((INTJ)) is someone I can discuss lots of science and history with. Yes, we discuss our personal things when stressed, depressed or facing life's many challenges but we talk a lot about the impersonal stuff, too, just to explore ideas everywhere. We also are cooperating on a creative project and creating new ideas together. This is different from how I perceive a sibling as siblings are people I can go a while without speaking to but as soon as I return to them, no bond has been weakened and are there more for personal issues, I think? I have more shared interests with my crushes/friends than I do my sibling, but there is still an emotional compatibility with a sibling that is different than with other friends.

I have a lot of similarities to my INFP friend. A LOT. Enough so that we called each other twins even though we're not blood related, but I think it depends on what the things in common are to make people romantically interested. For example, I like this INTJ because I like how much she gives structure to my scatterbrained INTP-ness. She keeps me focused and that makes us a really great team and makes up for my weaknesses. A romantic interest has things to offer on some other level, though I think it's hard for me to describe since I'm new to this stuff myself. I don't know how true it is for other INTPs ((or other people in general)), but I find appeal in those who bring me a lot of balance as oppose to those who mainly just have a lot in common.

If I was the INTP you know, then I wouldn't be in denial about being together. I would just tell you the truth and it sounds like the truth really is he just sees you as a sibling and you'll have to accept that. For whatever reason, the ISFJ has his interest for the time being. I also knew an ISFJ LOL. It was a reverse situation, where she had a crush on me while I saw her as just friends. She entertained me a while since she enjoyed listening to my new ideas and my thought processes on various theories or whatever... but then I got bored after a while since she never gave any input in reply besides "oh, that's great!" and lacked her own ideas to contribute. It took a while since INTP likes a good ego stroke ;P but INTP also likes interesting feedback/responses. Based on my experience, I don't see INTP/ISFJ being a long term thing, especially if what you say is true and the ISFJ doesn't even like him that way.

Long story short, I don't think you should worry about him sticking to the ISFJ for long, but I also think if he sees you as a little sis... than that's how he sees you and your hunches of him being scared or hiding real feelings probably don't hold much weight. Just be glad you have a special role since not many people get to have that and few fit that position.

 

[Aesc]

I found out the hard way why they call it a crush ,it crushes your heart till it's nothing left .Something that can never be and you know it ,it brakes you but can you accept it? can you accept that you will never be with this person ?

be nothing more but nothing less.

It is something i have had to accept ,i am the broken twin of Matthew above me ,i still love him but he will never love me and i have had to learn to accept that he's happier without me (though he's also hurting cause i left him which just makes me feel even more depressed -slaps mattmatt- ) .I have my reasons for walking away ...I need to get out my depression and get over my fear of judgment before i can even be his friend again ,i only seemed to cause negativity to him constantly (we somehow clashed) and he got tired of me and i was always taught that if a friend is just exhausting to be around then it's not a friendship.I never once got tired of Matthew he was SO interesting to me ,i could listen to him all day D: but sadly he got tired of me as i'm just a emobutt and have no interests and i'm terrible with words and don't fit in to what he would like me to be .I am in a very bad state right now ,i'm needing to go to the psychiatrist for help as i'm so lost on what to do now and i've also been rather ill lately and my family situations have been horrible,i had no choice but to walk away so i can work on my problems by myself so i would not hurt him anymore yet i'm hurting more anything since he's out my life,i've literally broke and can't sleep or function normally anymore.I really do still want to believe we can be friends again but right now it's just darkness.

I think intp-infp can work and i get on so well with intp's and seem to always be attracted to the T's but it can also clash and by clash i mean volcanic explosion clashing x__x...we seem to tire-out people easily or bore them...i can't help but feel this relationship would be more one sided ,the infp never getting tired of the intp but the intp getting bored of the infp ...just be careful if you ever decide to tell him how you feel and if he declines ,accept his friendship and treasure it but try to accept that may never go anywhere else ,you can still have a really great and close friendship without it ever being a relationship <3

-not helping-

 

[will-o'-wisp]

I love INTPs brains. I'd like to pickle them and have them to look at on my shelf in appreciation. My INTP friends are great for relationship advice generally because they apply good logic and reasoning to an otherwise emotional situation. They seem to be very good at being objective.

 

[Bazinga187]

this is going to be long, ok? I'll include a tl;dr!!!
So we have been friends for seven years? I remember thinking, "Wow, that's my type of guy" not really thinking that, but now I know that, that's what I thought (??? idk) the hair, the clothes, the way he laughed. How we made eye contact. Anyways.. Anyways I had a slight crush. I would get really nervous. It was so funny, we were barely acquaintances.. ANYWAYS. I had a crush, he didn't. (At that time, he liked this other girl.) After that year, we didn't really talk. And then, he texted me once, and then we were texting for a bit and that night he called me, had to go for dinner, and then, maybe a couple days later, he called again, we talked.. I'm thinking, "what in the world is this".
Well, so we became really close friends. But just friends. And then I went to college. I went to college on a different coast then where we live... Maybe the distance created a fondness in the heart? Because at this point, I had stopped liking him, but we were acting like a couple? I started liking him again and we were acting like a couple. But now he's with an ISFJ. I started something with an ISTJ but I broke it off because I knew that I loved him. I just couldn't say those words back to him because of my friend.

Now we get to the real stuff...
I really... like... him. Everything that he is, everything that we are.
I know that sounds lame and cliche but it is so true.
Essentially, I am friendzoned.
She's in the picture, so its hard to tell...
If we start something, and end up hating each other in the future, I am really going to miss him, and us.
Any advice?

TL;DR: My intp friend and I have been friends for seven years. Its killing me. What do I do..

Are you friends with the ISFJ he's dating? If not, then are they dating or in a relationship? If it's early days, then just tell him. He might be under the impression that you've friend-zoned him.

 

[lumpofcoal]

I found out the hard way why they call it a crush ,it crushes your heart till it's nothing left .Something that can never be and you know it ,it brakes you but can you accept it? can you accept that you will never be with this person ?

be nothing more but nothing less.

It is something i have had to accept ,i am the broken twin of Matthew above me ,i still love him but he will never love me and i have had to learn to accept that he's happier without me (though he's also hurting cause i left him which just makes me feel even more depressed -slaps mattmatt- ) .I have my reasons for walking away ...I need to get out my depression and get over my fear of judgment before i can even be his friend again ,i only seemed to cause negativity to him constantly (we somehow clashed) and he got tired of me and i was always taught that if a friend is just exhausting to be around then it's not a friendship.I never once got tired of Matthew he was SO interesting to me ,i could listen to him all day D: but sadly he got tired of me as i'm just a emobutt and have no interests and i'm terrible with words and don't fit in to what he would like me to be .I am in a very bad state right now ,i'm needing to go to the psychiatrist for help as i'm so lost on what to do now and i've also been rather ill lately and my family situations have been horrible,i had no choice but to walk away so i can work on my problems by myself so i would not hurt him anymore yet i'm hurting more anything since he's out my life,i've literally broke and can't sleep or function normally anymore.I really do still want to believe we can be friends again but right now it's just darkness.

I think intp-infp can work and i get on so well with intp's and seem to always be attracted to the T's but it can also clash and by clash i mean volcanic explosion clashing x__x...we seem to tire-out people easily or bore them...i can't help but feel this relationship would be more one sided ,the infp never getting tired of the intp but the intp getting bored of the infp ...just be careful if you ever decide to tell him how you feel and if he declines ,accept his friendship and treasure it but try to accept that may never go anywhere else ,you can still have a really great and close friendship without it ever being a relationship <3

-not helping-

wow my mouth really dropped when I saw this.. are you okay? I didn't realize that people replied to this thread more, haha I guess I'm new to this site, I can't recall seeing these notifications?? but anyways how has it been??!?! I can TOTALLY relate to you, you sound EXACTLY LIKE ME, seriously... its been hard but me and the intp stopped talking because my mom got mad at me and told me I'm too into all this, and my dad said I was investing too much emotion... and just.... yeah... my brother got mad and we all got into a fight about it XD...

 

[Ista]

INTPs: A Gateway Drug.

Just Say No.

An educational film designed to save INTPs and INFPs from an as yet untold number of layers of confusion and frustration.*


* During the time taken in the making of this advertisement, hundreds of threads were created retelling all the layers, many times over. It was all very meta. Don't be confused by the information overload kids, the message remains the same.

 

[qingdom]

INTPs: A Gateway Drug.

Just Say No.