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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi,

this is about me, an INFP-male (30), very much in love with an ENFP-female (27). We met online over commonalities and similar attitudes. She initated contact, and we wrote each other extensively over the period of a month. Then we met and things went quickly from there on with lots of romance, deep conversations, intimacy, praise and passionate sex for two months. She introduced me to her child, to her parents, even to her childs father. I felt secure and fell in love quickly and deeply!

And then it stopped! Well, it did not really stop. Circumstances are challenging, as we live 3 hours apart, and she's a devoted single mother of a fiery 3 year old son, passionately working an almost fulltime job (as a nursery school teacher), caring for a dog and other animals, and having a rather big household to manage.
Whilst we met almost every weekend in autumn (mostly at hers), we haven't seen each other this year, yet. And we won't this February, either. I think she's got good enough reasons with lots of stress at work, a challenging kid that means the world to her, and her saying she feels exhausted currently, desperately longing for some alone time. Also she's very, very close to her family, which is her main source of emotional support. And then there was a dead relative, as well, and sickness which she still is recovering from. Over the next weekends there are important birthdays of family and friends she did not see for ages, so she suggests meeting again in March.

Despite her good reasons, I feel tremendously confused and suffer about the sudden change. Perhaps it really has nothing to do with me, but perhaps it has? Maybe I fell in love much too quickly, as I became wildly romantic, dreaming big about a common future and living together, sharing lots of vulnerabilities, creative gifts and sweet words.. As she did enjoy but not really reciprocate the romantic gestures and notions, and talked about wanting to take the relationship slowly, I stopped myself and decided to leave her space.

Still, despite her busy schedule, she takes the time to send me at least one text or voice message almost every day. But all the hearts and much of the smileys are gone. When I say something romantic or slightly sexual, she just ignores it.

Last week I directly asked her how she was feeling about us. She answered that she did not know. That whilst she desperately longed for a relationship with exactly someone like me, she now feels overwhelmed and confused and unsure whether she's even got time for a relationship, and the distance not being of help. At the same time she told me to like me very much, seeing me as very inspiring and intelligent and not wanting to lose me. As I offered to visit and help a little, with her keeping all her freedoms, she still declined, claiming to not really feel like seeing me, as she's got so much on her mind and just wants to be alone, at the moment. She claimed to not really understand herself these days, and that she was sorry about it and has a bad conscience towards me.

I told her not to worry about me, and that there's no reason for bad conscience or any rush. I'm fine and busy and will leave her the space she needs. And that's the impression I try to keep.
Though in reality, my heart feels tremendously anxious and close to desperation, whilst my mind tells me that I do not know what she really is feeling and why, and that only time will tell. Also, she's a single mother .. of course I need to be patient and that's what she would expect from me if I was any serious. But still..

I'm really longing for some advice. Would you read anything into her behaviour and words? Being an INFP I feel like being too idealistic (seeing hope where there might be none) and too anxious (taking things personally that are not) at the same time.. Did she lose her attraction for me? Or is she really just busy?

How would you advice me to behave towards her? Maybe I'm idealizing, but I am madly in love and I would really give a lot to keep this relationship! What could she want or need from me? Is it space, me being as low maintenance as possible, for now? Is it passion, me insisting on wanting to see her? Is it support, me just offering attention and listening? Is it romance, me showing her gestures of love and desire? Or what else .. ?
What can an INFP man do in this situation to not lose but win points with his ENFP woman?
Should I let my intense feelings and longings show, or better play it cool for the moment (what I'm currently doing)?

I wish I could just go about my things, but she's on my mind and in my heart all the time.
 

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Damn, I feel for you, SolarSoul. The feels are STRONK with you.

SolarSoul said:
I'm really longing for some advice. Would you read anything into her behaviour and words? Being an INFP I feel like being too idealistic (seeing hope where there might be none) and too anxious (taking things personally that are not) at the same time.. Did she lose her attraction for me? Or is she really just busy?
I would read into her behavior and words, indefinitely, just as much as you have. Just two differences: 1, I'd still come back to the original statements she made and respect them. 2, I'd probably look to occupy my thoughts with something else or else I'll drive myself crazy overthinking.

See these questions of whether or not she's still lost attraction for you, or if she's really just busy are all the wrong questions to ask yourself. That's got to be emotionally stressful for you, especially since you won't get a clear answer from her on those things. Not right now at least.

I would say to ask yourself questions like how will you fill your schedule to stay busy and keep your thoughts as distracted from her as possible until March comes around, how will you handle random thoughts of her potentially derailing your focus on busying up, etc. But I understand that's not easy to do, let alone the natural course of action to take.

How would you advice me to behave towards her?
Well, maybe this will sound bad, but don't do anything. She needs space and time as expressed already.

Maybe I'm idealizing, but I am madly in love and I would really give a lot to keep this relationship!
I know how you feel bro, but sometimes what you have to do, is pull away to create enough space for her to give back to the relationship. She already doesn't have much room to work with given her circumstances this month, but if she did, I'm sure your current behavior will still cause more stress on her.

What could she want or need from me? Is it space, me being as low maintenance as possible, for now? Is it passion, me insisting on wanting to see her? Is it support, me just offering attention and listening? Is it romance, me showing her gestures of love and desire? Or what else .. ?
What can an INFP man do in this situation to not lose but win points with his ENFP woman?
Should I let my intense feelings and longings show, or better play it cool for the moment (what I'm currently doing)?
Oh boy. None of those questions are good, but your mind is designed to give you an answer. Stoppit! She asked for space. Give her that space. Focus on yourself. You know you're actually more important than she is? Have a negotiation with yourself and figure out what about your life is more important. You're dealing with a mega sized neurotransmitter chemical cocktail of dopamine, serotonin, and oxytocin, and it's labelled "Madly In Love". Her value in your life is going to be over-inflated. Think about your life prior to meeting her and double the value of everything listed about your life. If she still has more value than the things going on in your life, then the answer is clear. Build yourself up. You're dealing with a case of scarcity mentality and that's never going to do ANYTHING good for your relationship with ENFP gurl. Make sure you're more important for this month and seriously act like it. Get after it.

You playing it cool right now is the best thing you can possibly do. So keep that up.

I wish I could just go about my things, but she's on my mind and in my heart all the time.
Ha, sucks right? :unsure:
 

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I'm married to an INFP, but I have to run. I'm sure I'll have thoughts for you. I truly sympathize.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Thank you so much UberY0shi, that helped! A lot! Your condolence, as well!
You are right! Right now I'm such an emotional mess, that the only reasonable thing to do is to get back on track with my own life..

Still, so far we are entertaining a daily exchange of messages (written & voice) ... would you stop that, too? These messages and all the waiting & reading into them do not really help my state, unfortunately. But I'm afraid stopping could send the wrong message (me being hurt, angry or disinterested) or drive us further apart (her from me) .. also from what I've read going silent on an ENFP is not good at all.

Well, okay, I think I'd best just continue the once-a-day messaging, but minimize the sweet and romantic stuff..
 

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Hi. My meaning was that I will come back and give you my thoughts.

Actually, I agree with @UberY0shi on a level that I wouldn’t have thought possible on an issue like this. Lol. Everything he just said was exactly my thinking, but he probably put it even better than I did.

If you want to see if this relationship works out then I would not stop the daily messages. She wants to talk to you in March and she felt like she had to check herself and her feelings for some reason. I have a question for you. Would you add or subtract from the load that she currently has? That is likely her dilemma. She feels you, obviously, and I would just trust as an INFP man that you do understand nearly everything about this ENFP woman except how she deals with life’s troubles and except maybe (unless you ask a bunch of questions to really get a good feel for it) her vision of what she wants her life to be like. So yes, she cares about you deeply or else she would have cut you off— but her questions that she bneeded time on are likely going to be 1. How you would fit into her life and vision of what she wants for her futrure and 2. Would your presence in her life cause more stress despite her love for you, meaning this would detract from her putting her attention and resources on her child (she won’t allow that to happen, likely, as you likely know) or would your presence and your resources lighten the load and bring more to her child.

Now if the answer is the 2nd one, then you’ve already got game. If not, and if you want to be able to help her in building her life to have less stress and more time and resources for her child, then work on this practical stuff in your life now so that you can help her in her vision for her future and her child.

You’ll have questions for me, I know. She is going to need distance in order to be smart about this for the sake of her child. She is very emotionally intelligent and a devoted mother to her child. I really feel for her and for you.
 

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I'm sorry, I'm afraid I do not get your meaning? I'd really like to..
She has something to do. She's putting a pin in this conversation for a later discussion with you because she wants to help. That's what I read. Also, I don't think you could prevent Llyralen to not reply. As she put it this is her field since she is married to one.

As to your post, my take on it is below.

My husband and I met online. We actually met in 2012 and just were good friends playing an online game together and wasn't until we both went through serious breakups that we began to flirt with one another. Prior to actually dating him, we flirted heavily for a couple of months and then I stopped flirting. The reason, he sent me a simple text "Out shopping with a friend for candles, can't talk right now." I took that text to equal, I'm on a date with a lady. I'm not sure if he noticed it right away that I had stopped flirting with him, we still talked but I never flirted anymore. I'm nobodies second. We weren't dating yet so I started occupying myself on going on dates too. I hadn't flirted with him for several months until one day he asked why I had stopped and I said it's because you had another female you were courting. See, I'm not the type to get offended but I also didn't care enough to check if that fact was right or wrong. It turns out I was right but again I wasn't bonded to him at this stage so I felt I didn't need to ask him. I didn't have dibs on him and he was a good friend. The friendship is way more important to me than the sexual stuff.

Anyways that was the one time I pulled away from him without really expressing a clear line of communication. Now we're bonded and as such, he deserves an answer if I pull away. You may not be bonded from her perspective as you are to her. It takes a while for us to bond. In times of depression like losing a loved one, we can shell ourselves up for a bit. We're ambiverts like that. One day outgoing and bubbly, the next month we might be withdrawn and rather quiet.

Anyways talk to her. You may have to be the one to communicate the issue. Sometimes we can be oblivious of ignoring the world. Though when she gives you her answer, believe her. If she says she is too busy she means it. If she says it's not you and that she still likes you, believe her. I dated one guy that I met online and that I would end up with him until he started to exhibit rude behavior when I told him no. He wanted to visit me on the busiest photography weekend for a fashion photographer in Austin, SxSW. I told him that week was not a good time. He pushed and had a fight with me. He then said he really needed to think about our relationship, hung up, and I didn't hear from him for three days. When he did call I had already decided to leave him. I can't have that behavior in my life. You can't cage my creativity. Anyways just remember that, don't cage an ENFP. It will not work out in your favor. Talk to her, communicate to her, but again do not threaten to leave or use your relationship as a weapon to get her to see you more when she's going through something.



Hi. My meaning was that I will come back and give you my thoughts.

Actually, I agree with @UberY0shi on a level that I wouldn’t have thought possible on an issue like this. Lol. Everything he just said was exactly my thinking, but he probably put it even better than I did.

If you want to see if this relationship works out then I would not stop the daily messages. She wants to talk to you in March and she felt like she had to check herself and her feelings for some reason. I have a question for you. Would you add or subtract from the load that she currently has? That is likely her dilemma. She feels you, obviously, and I would just trust as an INFP man that you do understand nearly everything about this ENFP woman except how she deals with life’s troubles and except maybe (unless you ask a bunch of questions to really get a good feel for it) her vision of what she wants her life to be like. So yes, she cares about you deeply or else she would have cut you off— but her questions that she bneeded time on are likely going to be 1. How you would fit into her life and vision of what she wants for her futrure and 2. Would your presence in her life cause more stress despite her love for you, meaning this would detract from her putting her attention and resources on her child (she won’t allow that to happen, likely, as you likely know) or would your presence and your resources lighten the load and bring more to her child.

Now if the answer is the 2nd one, then you’ve already got game. If not, and if you want to be able to help her in building her life to have less stress and more time and resources for her child, then work on this practical stuff in your life now so that you can help her in her vision for her future and her child.

You’ll have questions for me, I know. She is going to need distance in order to be smart about this for the sake of her child. She is very emotionally intelligent and a devoted mother to her child. I really feel for her and for you.
Hehe, you must have replied while I was typing this.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 · (Edited)
Thank you so much, Llyralen and NIHM! That helped tremendously!
I feel so anxious, that I even mistook your first reply, Llyralen, as meaning that even being married to an INFP-man yourself you would run from my degree of neediness and desperation.. (and maybe you would, but I hope those things didn't shine through that much to my beloved)

And same with her! Right now the wounded inner child inside me feels almost certain that I have lost her, though I do not have any proof, which keeps a rational ray of hope alive. Your points of view from her perspective make so much sense, and I feel a fool for not trusting her words. Of course her child is the most important thing in the world for her, and with her already struggling she cannot bear me bringing even more stress and complexity to the rare free time she has. Not if she is honest and caring for herself, which she is.
I think you are right that I should concern myself with not adding extra stress to her life. Part of the reason we didn't meet in January might be, that she intended to visit me on the weekend of my 30th birthday (which was the first weekend of January). She couldn't keep her intention and then promised to make good for it on a following weekend, which did not come so far. But before February I did never offer to visit her instead, or that she could bring her child if it would make things easier.
Part of the reason for this is, that being an INFP (or just being me) I have an inclination to be really selfless and supportive, without asserting my own wants and needs. I want to break that pattern, but it's kind of hard in this situation.
I also struggle with honesty and authenticity, both high values of mine. But in this situation if I was purely honest and authentic, I would probably be sure to drive her away with all my sadness and longing.

No, you are right! As hard as it feels, the only sensible thing I can do is leave her all the space she needs and focus on myself, and hopefully be of better spirit come March.
Your answer, NIHM, helped me as well in empathizing why she might not flirt with me anymore, which could have the wildest of reasons (from her not being in the mood to some strange thing I unknowingly might have done or said). Better I do not make too much of it, since like in your case, this can change. And yes, like you felt caged in your creativity, she might already feel caged by me in her freedom to care for herself and her child. Better I really (!) leave her all the space she needs.
And I'd be fine with it! My only fear in this is her not feeling desired, loved or even worse her seeing me as weak for being so selfless and passive. But that might be for other types, when freedom is so important to ENFPs.

I just wish I could fall a little bit out of love to make things lighter and easier and more even..

If it's fine, I'd keep you posted in this thread, since the story (hopefully) is far from over :) ! Your words and perspective definitely helped and I already feel better and more hopeful.

Edit: And it‘s encouraging to know that ENFPs need time for bonding, probaby even more when being responsible single moms.
 

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I told her not to worry about me, and that there's no reason for bad conscience or any rush. I'm fine and busy and will leave her the space she needs. And that's the impression I try to keep.
Though in reality, my heart feels tremendously anxious and close to desperation, whilst my mind tells me that I do not know what she really is feeling and why, and that only time will tell. Also, she's a single mother .. of course I need to be patient and that's what she would expect from me if I was any serious. But still..
I think this is the perfect approach. Because ENFPs are so intuitive and empathic, it can be difficult and draining to always feel others' needs, wants, expectations. So, your sense of giving space and letting her call the shots is important and perfect because it sounds like she is maxed out. Unfortunately, as you have picked up, it is likely that expressing that your feelings are hurt or that you are feeling insecure in the relationship would be a huge turn-off right now.

The question will be at what point you decide to move on... It is commendable to be as generous as you are right now. At some point, it would need to go both ways. I think us NFs are particularly willing to make concessions and forget our own needs when we really care about someone.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Thank you, Codas!
I see what you're saying and I'm glad you too think I'm doing the right thing, currently.

Regarding the question at what point to move on: You see, us not seeing each other for some time is not what is bothering me so much. I have so many projects and things I want to do (though currently feeling forced), and value alone-time so much, that I'd be totally fine with having much time to myself. It is the insecurity involved in her being undecided about the relationship after such a passionate beginning, that I can't help but be very much bewildered by. From what I've read ENFPs generally like to keep all options open and are very slow to bond and commit (?). From her initial behavior I got a different message, or deluded myself into seeing one.

Now, I hope with her being a devoted single mother it is not about her keeping me warm whilst looking for a better suitor, but more about seeing whether a relationship with me would be more stress or benefit to her and her child, like Llyralen said. But who knows..

I think you're right in that with some self respect, there must come the point for me to move on.. . And I'm afraid whatever she's feeling, as an ENFP with other priorities in her life, she is going to take a long time to commit, if ever ... and I'd so much like to just accept and love her like that (since when is love ever "secure" anyway..), and grow into it, but I don't know what to do if I keep suffering about it ...
Time will tell..
 

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Thank you, Codas!
I see what you're saying and I'm glad you too think I'm doing the right thing, currently.

Regarding the question at what point to move on: You see, us not seeing each other for some time is not what is bothering me so much. I have so many projects and things I want to do (though currently feeling forced), and value alone-time so much, that I'd be totally fine with having much time to myself. It is the insecurity involved in her being undecided about the relationship after such a passionate beginning, that I can't help but be very much bewildered by. From what I've read ENFPs generally like to keep all options open and are very slow to bond and commit (?). From her initial behavior I got a different message, or deluded myself into seeing one.

Now, I hope with her being a devoted single mother it is not about her keeping me warm whilst looking for a better suitor, but more about seeing whether a relationship with me would be more stress or benefit to her and her child, like Llyralen said. But who knows..

I think you're right in that with some self respect, there must come the point for me to move on.. . And I'm afraid whatever she's feeling, as an ENFP with other priorities in her life, she is going to take a long time to commit, if ever ... and I'd so much like to just accept and love her like that (since when is love ever "secure" anyway..), and grow into it, but I don't know what to do if I keep suffering about it ...
Time will tell..
I wrote a really long message to you the other day that I erased. I think I'll have to pm. you with my thoughts, though, because they are bugging me.
 
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She feels overwhelmed. The newness of the relationship has gone. Almost nothing to be curious about as you are an open book for her, hence why she wouldn't even bother wonder what's going on in your life.


I think it's just the INFP way of being.


I'm XNTJ in a relationship with an amazing ENFP woman. She did most of the chase in impossible circumstances, even though I was genuinely unconcerned no matter how uncanny the chemistry we have. She also knows that life will go on whether she's on board or not since I always pursue my ambitions before any relationship.

Stop the horrendous idyllic painting of the relationship in your head, and don't bother asking her why she lost the spark for you. Focus on yourself for now, not for her, but for you, and she will seek you if she's still interested. If she doesn't, it's not the goddamn end of the world. People will seek the people they want out of their own will.


Good luck.
 

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She feels overwhelmed. The newness of the relationship has gone. Almost nothing to be curious about as you are an open book for her, hence why she wouldn't even bother wonder what's going on in your life.


I think it's just the INFP way of being.


I'm XNTJ in a relationship with an amazing ENFP woman. She did most of the chase in impossible circumstances, even though I was genuinely unconcerned no matter how uncanny the chemistry we have. She also knows that life will go on whether she's on board or not since I always pursue my ambitions before any relationship.

Stop the horrendous idyllic painting of the relationship in your head, and don't bother asking her why she lost the spark for you. Focus on yourself for now, not for her, but for you, and she will seek you if she's still interested. If she doesn't, it's not the goddamn end of the world. People will seek the people they want out of their own will.


Good luck.
I personally find this "take" on this relationship highly unlikely. I believe the OPs ENFP takes this relationship very seriously. ENFPs do NOT cast people aside who they have been intimately close with without good reasons and personal turmoil about the emotions that they upset in the other person. There is no way I'd be writing someone daily that just didn't interest me anymore or tell them specifically when we would reconnect. No no… this was a deep relationship. Even with the INFPs I just went on 1-2 months of dates with I would never not take their emotions very much to heart. There's also no way I'd keep those relationships going if I find that I couldn't commit 100%-- -I would have guillotined the relationship with an explanation and proper break-up so that the INFP could move on properly. Ask your ENFP, if she has connected and talked about her most intimate feelings with someone and been truly close to someone there is no way she would toss someone away without reason without a great deal of emotional turbulence.... unless she isn't an ENFP.

No. ENFPs do not let someone into their inner circle without caring very deeply and if there was no "event" that made her feel betrayed then there is something else going on and I am talking to the OP about those things. ENFPs are not callus people to people we know have deep feelings... we do not make decisions without thinking about people's emotions and our own.
 
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Discussion Starter · #14 · (Edited)
Thank you Sacrophagus. So are you suggesting to hold back more, and be more mysterous? Or what exactly did I do wrong from your understanding? Being too secure, too "easy"?
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 · (Edited)
Llyralen, thank you very, very much for your thoughts and the time you took to write them to me!!
I have to answer your private message in here, since unfortunately I do not have the necessary post count to reply to your private message, yet. I'm sorry!

1. Yes, I think I have a good job, and it would be possible for me to move to her location. Not exactly with the job I'm currently in, but I'm quite sure I would find something new in her area.

2. I think you are right in this one.

Now, overly romantic as I was, I mused about moving in with her very early on, and openly fantasized about what kind of house we would live in, some day, etc. This she did not reciprocate! She told me she wants to take the relationship slowly, since in the one before she rushed things (moving in with her partner and becoming pregnant within the first 3 months of the relationship) and things didn't go well ... From what I hear, independence and not depending on a partner are very important to her, since in that relationship she somewhat relied on her partner and lived in his house, that she and her son then had to leave.. (she broke up)

Now, as I am writing this, I realize that moving in with her and moving to her vicinity are not the same thing. So she might be a lot more open for me moving to her area instead of moving in with her.

But then again, I do not know. What you describe about your personal experience, sounds and feels really agonizing and hard. But her, besides not having time for friends and relationship, she seems to do just fine. She really enjoys it all, her job, her son, her family, her home. Her income plus alimony payments from her sons father seem good enough to cover all her costs of living (in a big, cozy appartment) plus saving money for a future house.
And she's always around her son (except sunday afternoon when he's at his fathers).
Looking back I rue not paying for (all) dates we were on and for the groceries we bought (since I already payed for my train tickets to and back from hers).. this I would change when we meet again.

Nethertheless, she never raised the issue of me moving to her vicinity. She only said it would be easier to see each other, if we lived closer, since then we could also meet on weekday evenings, and it would be easier for her to spontaneously visit or cancel visits.

Now, much as I feel for her, I wonder if it would be wise to move to her area, now. In the end, we only met like 8 times (Friday evenings to Sunday evenings), so far.. and now things being so uncertain right now, I am afraid of doing that step on chance alone. I've got it really well with my apartment and job in my city, and with her being so undecided, romantic as I am, it doesn't appear smart to throw it all away and storm to her rescue. Or does it?

Our attitudes and visions of how we want to live are highly compatible. But those are far off! How much she thinks of me as a role model for her son, I do not know, unfortunately. Neither do I know what she could wish for me to change, besides not being as demanding or needy as I might have come across before. Perhaps it's like Sacrophagus is saying back in the thread, that she might have lost interest because of me being so open and obviously into her? I mean, open affection and authenticity are kind of typical for INFPs, aren't they? But perhaps she wants me to be more "mysterious" and less secure? I don't know..

Thanks again for your thoughts! If you've got any more, I'd love to hear about them, if you like.

PS: Also, thank you very much for your take on Sacrophagus thoughts. I, too, think she takes our relationship seriously, though obviously being insecure about it. I hope you are right, and that you meant "there is something else going on" instead of "there is someone else going on".
 

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Our attitudes and visions of how we want to live are highly compatible. But those are far off! How much she thinks of me as a role model for her son, I do not know, unfortunately. Neither do I know what she could wish for me to change, besides not being as demanding or needy as I might have come across before. Perhaps it's like Sacrophagus is saying back in the thread, that she might have lost interest because of me being so open and obviously into her? I mean, open affection and authenticity are kind of typical for INFPs, aren't they? But perhaps she wants me to be more "mysterious" and less secure? I don't know..

Thanks again for your thoughts! If you've got any more, I'd love to hear about them, if you like.

PS: Also, thank you very much for your take on Sacrophagus thoughts. I, too, think she takes our relationship seriously, though obviously being insecure about it. I hope you are right, and that you meant "there is something else going on" instead of "there is someone else going on".
Well, I am thinking she is an so/sx ENFP. I'm not sure if you're familiar with those terms, but she did introduce you to her people, specifically her son. She is not going to want to make the same mistakes as she did with the last guy, so I totally bet that she is nervous and slowing herself down very much on purpose, but there is something else that is making her slow down or else she would have before, and I don't know what it is but she plans to talk to you about all of it in March.

Those day to day interactions will be important. If you guys are already on a very deep level of communication (I bet you are. My husband proposed to me the 1st month) then I'd just keep building it like it's a friendship. If you believe that practically and physically you can be a good part of her life then she is likely in danger of her emotions getting the better of her with you and she knows it and needs space to think clearly... unless something happened? Anyway, you just don't have enough info. That's the main problem, but you do have a life-line. The fact that she keeps writing you daily gives you a way to still build your relationship. Build it like as if you had been writing to her always. Like I might start writing longer texts to her where you talk about all sorts of things, carrying forward the kind of talks that you used to have with her only sans the romance... but the thing is.... mind stimulation for an ENFP is a turn-on for us. So.. .you've definitely got a life-line. What things did you guys love talking about? I'd build on those. Because she kept things open, and because she has been doing some of the initiating in texts this is how I know things aren't closed with her.

ENFPs have various levels of feelings about neediness and I think this has to do with our variants. For me, my husband cannot get close enough. Like I hate space between us. I want intensity between us all the time, but there are ENFPs who do get feeling smothered.... however, I've never heard of us saying we get smothered by INFPs. INFPs and ENFPs are too good at truly understanding each other (except like I said when it comes to Te/Si differences--practical stuff and stress stuff and goal stuff) to really smother each other. You guys just do know what is going on with our emotions, so I would trust yourself. And this is why you are likely freaking out. If you don't get that constant inflow of information about her emotions then you're not going to know what to do. And you didn't feel like there was an event where all of a sudden there was a chill after something you said? My husband is basically psychic about me... he knows if I'm feeling upset in his sleep and I'm saying that literally. He will wake up, roll over and ask me what is going on. "The air crackles when you're upset." I can see him being just frantic if he couldn't understand what was wrong. I'm SO sorry.

As far as I can tell she didn't really break up with you? Instead decided to take things slower? What are her words? Trust her words. Was there an event? A conversation where her speech changed? Maybe she just realized things were going too fast? That her own life was getting out of control when she put you first? Or was there a talk that made her wonder if you weren't the right one to fit her vision of her future?

Also... I love my jobs always but that doesn't mean juggling job and children is easy emotionally for me. I have also a co-worker with a small baby and she is excellent at what she does and of course loves this job as being a good fit with her personality BUT it is devastating to be away from your small child. Of course I always do love my job and talk like I do...so does my friend... but there may be more to understanding what is going on there with her. There's also more to understand with her family and her child. Does she live with her parents? She wants to be independent from them as well for certain reasons. Who takes care of her child or is she with her son in her job? There is a lot to explore with this. There is also a lot to explore with her on her ex.. .because she might get spooked if there's a whiff of anything that would be the same as that last guy, she'd want to make sure she doesn't make the same mistakes.

I would definitely not move to her city until you are certain she wants to keep dating and she agrees that would be a good idea. You need to hold on to everything that was good about your life before she came into it.

Anyway, what is the communication like when you guys text? What kind of things does she text you?

P.S. Funny about the typing mistake! You took my meaning correctly.
 
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Anyway, what is the communication like when you guys text? What kind of things does she text you?
She mostly talks about her day, her life, her son, her problems, hopes, feelings, happy times. Very personal stuff without holding back, I think. I‘m often amazed about how much she tells me. But then again, that does mean she trusts me, but not necessarily her wanting a relationship with me, I guess.

While I pick up on almost everything she says, she is more selective about what she picks up on in my messages, mostly things she can relate to and that interest her. Like you say, she is often very curious and interested when I talk about philosophy or psychology and the likes. She definitely likes to be stimulated, intellectually. I wonder if I should tell her about her MBTI and Enneagram types? I know that would interest her tremendously as she is already deep into her zodiac sign and astrology in general, but unaware of MBTI and the Enneagram.... on the other hand I am a little reluctant, to not appear too obsessive about her or pigeonholing her personality, or give away that little advantage of mine (she fits the ENFP type perfectly, I think).
Sometimes she asks me about how my day was, how I am feeling, or what I am working on, offering advice when I mention any difficulties.

Well, I am thinking she is an so/sx ENFP.
Unfortunately I‘m not familiar with what so/sx means.

I'm not sure if you're familiar with those terms, but she did introduce you to her people, specifically her son. She is not going to want to make the same mistakes as she did with the last guy, so I totally bet that she is nervous and slowing herself down very much on purpose, but there is something else that is making her slow down or else she would have before, and I don't know what it is but she plans to talk to you about all of it in March.
I think I first felt that the passion cooled down after I told her about a very special insecurity I had. We talked about past relationships and lovers, and she told me one detail that I couldn‘t help but feel really upset about. Naively, wanting to be totally honest with her, I told her about it, and what exactly was going on inside me. That certainly wasn‘t my best moment, and she might have felt judged. Afterwards she appeared much colder and we didn‘t meet for three weekends (which she put on pre-christmas stress). But she did still writes very romantic stuff occasionally, and her introducing me to her parents was after that.
Then we agreed upon her visiting me on the weekend of my 30th birthday. She didn‘t feel like it, and canceled the day before, very politely, promising to make up for it on an upcoming weekend. I expressed disappointment, but also understanding and that I was looking forward to this upcoming weekend. But we didn‘t see each other since then. Perhaps she realized how taxing a long distance relationship really is, or she felt bad for not being able or wanting to keep her promise (which would mean giving her son away to visit me), or she was angry with me for indirectly asking that of her. But even before all of this, she wrote me she just could be happy with me, but that her life is so full of joys that she feels overwhelmed and unsure if she even has time for a relationship. I assured her that I’ve got a busy life as well and we could take things slowly.

Those day to day interactions will be important. If you guys are already on a very deep level of communication (I bet you are. My husband proposed to me the 1st month) then I'd just keep building it like it's a friendship. If you believe that practically and physically you can be a good part of her life then she is likely in danger of her emotions getting the better of her with you and she knows it and needs space to think clearly...
Might be, though she really does not show any signs of being in danger of losing herself in emotions about me..

unless something happened?
I don‘t know, unfortunately.

Anyway, you just don't have enough info. That's the main problem, but you do have a life-line. The fact that she keeps writing you daily gives you a way to still build your relationship. Build it like as if you had been writing to her always. Like I might start writing longer texts to her where you talk about all sorts of things, carrying forward the kind of talks that you used to have with her only sans the romance... but the thing is.... mind stimulation for an ENFP is a turn-on for us. So.. .you've definitely got a life-line. What things did you guys love talking about? I'd build on those. Because she kept things open, and because she has been doing some of the initiating in texts this is how I know things aren't closed with her.
Thank you for you advice, I will try my best :) . Even if that means digging up new possible topics of interest?

ENFPs have various levels of feelings about neediness and I think this has to do with our variants. For me, my husband cannot get close enough. Like I hate space between us.
That reminds me of her wanting to be really physically close go me. She really pressed herself so close to me as if she wanted to merge with me.. especially in bed. That was in the beginning.. perhaps she became afraid, like you suggested. The type of neediness I talked about was me emotionally needing her, being full of longing, which I thought was a universally unattractive trait when not equally reciprocated?

And this is why you are likely freaking out. If you don't get that constant inflow of information about her emotions then you're not going to know what to do.
True! I know very well how she‘s feeling towards almost everything, just not towards me.

And you didn't feel like there was an event where all of a sudden there was a chill after something you said?
Not that I am conscious of. I‘ll have a look in our chat history if I find anything. Unfortunately I do not have the psychic skills of your husband, yet.

As far as I can tell she didn't really break up with you? Instead decided to take things slower? What are her words? Trust her words. Was there an event? A conversation where her speech changed? Maybe she just realized things were going too fast? That her own life was getting out of control when she put you first? Or was there a talk that made her wonder if you weren't the right one to fit her vision of her future?
She did not break up with me, though she never really said that we officially are in a relationship, either. She did say I have her exclusively, and in at least one instance she talked about herself as my girlfriend, but besides that it‘s always me talking about our „relationship“. For exact words I will have to look back into out chat history. I think I was being very, very romantic (too much) about moving in together and other future fantasies, when she proclaimed wanting to take things slowly. I think she said it first when I showed interest in meeting her parents. But I need to look up any exact words .. which I will do tomorrow.

Does she live with her parents? She wants to be independent from them as well for certain reasons. Who takes care of her child or is she with her son in her job? There is a lot to explore with this.
She does not live with her parents, but a 20-minute ride away from them and often spends the night at her parents. Her son is being taken care of in the same kindergarten she is working at, but not by her (different group of kids).

There is also a lot to explore with her on her ex.. .because she might get spooked if there's a whiff of anything that would be the same as that last guy, she'd want to make sure she doesn't make the same mistakes. said?
There is one thing, unfortunately. This is related to my one fit of jealousy mentioned earlier. Her last guy repeatedly and exclusively demanded a certain sexual practice from her that she was not very fond of. Being honest, I showed interest in the same thing, too, which she didn‘t seem to have a problem with, but who knows. Last time we met, she even offered doing it with me, which I messed up because of overthinking.. Might be she sees an uncanny resemblence to her ex guy in this. Though otherwise she praised our sex in the highest words, and I made clear to just be curious about this thing, without any pressure.

I would definitely not move to her city until you are certain she wants to keep dating and she agrees that would be a good idea. You need to hold on to everything that was good about your life before she came into it.
Good to know, thank you.

Edit: I just scanned through our messages and it seems to me the passion and romanticism faded gradually from her messages. In the first weeks of January it still was very much there, but faded off more and more ... the messages became shorter, the smileys fewer, the hearts and terms of endearment vanished. I guess it might be a combination of her being stressed and having a bad conscience about not being able to or wanting to see me, whilst I asked like for every weekend if we‘re gonna see each other. It might well be her then having realized how difficult it actually is to balance her taxing life with a long distance relationship, especially as I still was used to us seeing each other almost every weekend. She even said she feels naive about how she could have thought to have so much energy for job, kid, pets, household and a relationship on top, realizing she just does not have that much energy. At the very end of January I unfortunately asked her (as you know) if she‘s got the will and desire to take our relationship slowly but with long-term intentions, which she evaded in kind words, and I then backed off from two days later saying it was the wrong time to decide on that matter. I then offered to visit her again, even if it was just one sunday afternoon, which she declined (too much effort for me). As she got important events on every February weekend, she then suggested us meeting again in March. Whether she wants to come to a decision until then, or just meet again, I do not know.
 

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She mostly talks about her day, her life, her son, her problems, hopes, feelings, happy times. Very personal stuff without holding back, I think. I‘m often amazed about how much she tells me. But then again, that does mean she trusts me, but not necessarily her wanting a relationship with me, I guess.
.

ENFPs will not talk about our day to day stuff with people who are not our good friends. I personally almost can't. She wants and needs you at least as a friend.... the other we aren't sure of at this point... but she could have just slowed down. Also if she talks about negative stuff and continues to then talk about both positive and negative stuff then that means you are part of the 1-3 people that she will do this with. For me, usually it is only my SO I talk about my negative stuff to, although in my past I have had 1-2 close friends who I did talk to about negative stuff. I also might foray into this with someone wondering if I can make them one of my close friends and then pulling back when it doesn't feel right. Otherwise, we just circle around, basically, sharing what we think will help other people, sometimes negative stuff in our past that we have over-come that we realize might help someone but.... no, you know what kind of talk I'm talking about. INFPs are more prone to talk about their current negative stuff to a few more people, but ENFPs very few and we feel we never want to do without those few.

I wonder if I should tell her about her MBTI and Enneagram types? I know that would interest her tremendously as she is already deep into her zodiac sign and astrology in general, but unaware of MBTI and the Enneagram.... on the other hand I am a little reluctant, to not appear too obsessive about her or pigeonholing her personality, or give away that little advantage of mine.
I think you're right. Teaching someone something kind of breaks off a good reciprocal back and forth in sharing. I'd wait. But I wouldn't be too afraid to bring up new stuff. Whatever you think is interesting she probably would too. Trust your gut on some of this stuff because it does depend on her interests. But, for instance, I had a good friend for 1-2 years before she realized I was interested in literature, and this is a mega-interest of mine that I adore getting to talk about when I can. And many ENFPs have a ton of interests, so there might be multiple to tap into. Follow and trust your instincts here because you know her and you know how interested or uninterested in things she seems.

Sometimes she asks me about how my day was, how I am feeling, or what I am working on, offering advice when I mention any difficulties.
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Sounds good to me... definitely she cares about you. She would not do this if she thought she was going to break up with you. If I break up with someone it's usually quite final for the good of all, but I haven't explored what other ENFPs do on that.

Unfortunately I‘m not familiar with what so/sx means.
. Part of Enneagram. Social/Sexual variant. Basic drives. I'm sx/so meaning intimacy (not just sex, but emotional/intellectual too) then the good of the society and my place in it second. A third drive is self-preservation which is about personal stability. My husband is a INFP Enneagram 9 sp/sx. (sometimes I wonder if sp/so).

I think I first felt that the passion cooled down after I told her about a very special insecurity I had. We talked about past relationships and lovers, and she told me one detail that I couldn‘t help but feel really upset about. Naively, wanting to be totally honest with her, I told her about it, and what exactly was going on inside me. That certainly wasn‘t my best moment, and she might have felt judged. Afterwards she appeared much colder and we didn‘t meet for three weekends (which she put on pre-christmas stress). But she did still writes very romantic stuff occasionally, and her introducing me to her parents was after that.
Then we agreed upon her visiting me on the weekend of my 30th birthday. She didn‘t feel like it, and canceled the day before, very politely, promising to make up for it on an upcoming weekend. I expressed disappointment, but also understanding and that I was looking forward to this upcoming weekend. But we didn‘t see each other since then. Perhaps she realized how taxing a long distance relationship really is, or she felt bad for not being able or wanting to keep her promise (which would mean giving her son away to visit me), or she was angry with me for indirectly asking that of her. But even before all of this, she wrote me she just could be happy with me, but that her life is so full of joys that she feels overwhelmed and unsure if she even has time for a relationship. I assured her that I’ve got a busy life as well and we could take things slowly.
This might be an event that made her double-think and realize she needed to slow down. There might have been more here for her than she talked about.

That reminds me of her wanting to be really physically close go me. She really pressed herself so close to me as if she wanted to merge with me.. especially in bed. That was in the beginning.. perhaps she became afraid, like you suggested. The type of neediness I talked about was me emotionally needing her, being full of longing, which I thought was a universally unattractive trait when not equally reciprocated?
True, I believe. If reciprocated it feels amazing, though.

She did not break up with me, though she never really said that we officially are in a relationship, either. She did say I have her exclusively, and in at least one instance she talked about herself as my girlfriend, but besides that it‘s always me talking about our „relationship“. For exact words I will have to look back into out chat history. I think I was being very, very romantic (too much) about moving in together and other future fantasies, when she proclaimed wanting to take things slowly. I think she said it first when I showed interest in meeting her parents. But I need to look up any exact words .. which I will do tomorrow.
The moving in would also be kind of soon to talk about for me... I'd want several months of dating. Closer to a year would be better. Like I said, my husband proposed after dating 1 month and what I failed to mention was that this scared me to pieces. It should take longer to trust someone enough to move in or marry them and to make sure. Several times I was so spooked that I really was begging him to slow down and at the same time I didn't want to lose him and was worried he would take so much offense that I would lose him, but his timing was rushed, imo. I wish he had slowed down and made all of it so romantic for longer. Plus I want those memories, the dating memories. But also just...you know you can trust but you're not sure how everything matches up. It takes more time. Living together is something that should take a bit more time. But especially with her background with her ex... she needs to take it slower. You can do this with the type of messages you two are writing, I feel. She will want to talk to you about what problems she is seeing when she sees you. I know if she were I and I were her then it is my ideal to be married to my best friend, so it would tell me a LOT if some guy cooled off on the friendship part of things just because we weren't having sex. I'd think to myself "Wow, all I was was sex to him, I guess. That's not the relationship for me." So her texts, right? Her way of setting it up is that you two talk and bond through texts and maybe you could call her? Ask her if she'd like that. Ask if you can continue your friendship on the phone some. Has she set up boundaries for that? If she has, then you honor the boundaries.

She does not live with her parents, but a 20-minute ride away from them and often spends the night at her parents. Her son is being taken care of in the same kindergarten she is working at, but not by her (different group of kids).
. Okay, good info. She feels semi-close to them, still wants them in her life on her own terms.

There is one thing, unfortunately. This is related to my one fit of jealousy mentioned earlier. Her last guy repeatedly and exclusively demanded a certain sexual practice from her that she was not very fond of. Being honest, I showed interest in the same thing, too, which she didn‘t seem to have a problem with, but who knows. Last time we met, she even offered doing it with me, which I messed up because of overthinking.. Might be she sees an uncanny resemblence to her ex guy in this. Though otherwise she praised our sex in the highest words, and I made clear to just be curious about this one thing, without any pressure.
.
Hmm... she might have been telling you about something that was kind of awful for her? Not really a good time to say "Can we do that too?" She might have felt like you didn't care about her at that moment. I'm not sure about how she would have felt about the jealousy. We've talked about jealousy as ENFPs and those who have dealt with truly jealous guys cannot stand even a little bit of jealousy. I have not had any negative experiences with men (thank god, but I do think I'm somewhat of the minority) and my husband is very kind and open so I actually want just a bit of jealousy pangs in him if someone seems interested in me. He has none, though. lol. Too darn secure, that one, imo. Anyway, back to you. She might have been testing you later or trying to be self-sacrificing and either one doesn't bode well to me. She was sharing something that she thought safe expressing to you... I don't know if this influenced her to the point of wondering if she was getting into the same old thing. It might have made her question herself big time and slow things down. Or she might have decided emotionally she wants you in her life, but maybe not as a lover. Or this might actually not be such a big deal in her mind... yet somehow this is also when she decided to not come for your 30th birthday. That's kind of a big deal and it kind of says a lot. So yeah...she could be feeling like she doesn't want to just get into a sexual relationship where things are expected of her and where she thinks she should be focusing on her child. This has got to sting for her a bit. Even while I'm writing it my throat is closing up... so yeah, she got hurt by the sex stuff and felt like her feelings were not put first. I would bet. But do look over your conversations. See if there were any other times she went cold in her speech or that she withdrew.

Edit: I just scanned through our messages and it seems to me the passion and romanticism faded gradually from her messages. In the first weeks of January it still was very much there, but faded off more and more ... the messages became shorter, the smileys fewer, the hearts and terms of endearment vanished. I guess it might be a combination of her being stressed and having a bad conscience about not being able to or wanting to see me, whilst I asked like for every weekend if we‘re gonna see each other. It might well be her then having realized how difficult it actually is to balance her taxing life with a long distance relationship, especially as I still was used to us seeing each other almost every weekend. She even said she feels naive about how she could have thought to have so much energy for job, kid, pets, household and a relationship on top, realizing she just does not have that much energy. At the very end of January I unfortunately asked her (as you know) if she‘s got the will and desire to take our relationship slowly but with long-term intentions, which she evaded in kind words, and I then backed off from two days later saying it was the wrong time to decide on that matter. I then offered to visit her again, even if it was just one sunday afternoon, which she declined (too much effort for me). As she got important events on every February weekend, she then suggested us meeting again in March. Whether she wants to come to a decision until then, or just meet again, I do not know.
Oh, I just saw your edit here. I now think this is a combo. She needs to know she is important as a person to you even without sex, so keep on that. She wants that, she's said so. She wants you as an emotionally close friend. If you can prove that you are a good friend to her then maybe it can work out. But... I don't know if you want that or can tolerate that. I think, even, that you could ask her about this even before March. You'll want to think about this so that you get the wording right and I'd definitely put more into those texts. If she can't do without you emotionally, then it's not a far step to romance, but she would need to choose that. I don't know. It's kind of a lot to ask, but that's exactly it. If she's worth while as a friend then you'll communicate anyway. I'd be heartbroken to think that all I am to a guy is sex. I basically demand this tight of caring and friendship of anyone who would be my SO-- our friendship should be solid even without sex. For me once it's proven that I truly am that important and cared about then everything else would change. I couldn't do without him at that point. This is maybe why I haven't had bad relationships with men.. but then again, there are many innocent women who have been traumatized.

If it's hurting you too much after you give close friendship a go, then you let her know. Let her make a decision at that point. I think she's got things she wants to talk to you about in March, but you could try getting some of this figured out before if you lead with friendship in your communications with her as she is and play it out. Sleep on this. You know her better than I do, of course. I hope I'm not leading you wrong in any way just bringing up points to think over. You'll be thinking of your emotions and hers and I think you'll figure this all out.
 
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ENFPs will not talk about our day to day stuff with people who are not our good friends. I personally almost can't. She wants and needs you at least as a friend.... the other we aren't sure of at this point... but she could have just slowed down. Also if she talks about negative stuff and continues to then talk about both positive and negative stuff then that means you are part of the 1-3 people that she will do this with. For me, usually it is only my SO I talk about my negative stuff to, although in my past I have had 1-2 close friends who I did talk to about negative stuff. I also might foray into this with someone wondering if I can make them one of my close friends and then pulling back when it doesn't feel right. Otherwise, we just circle around, basically, sharing what we think will help other people, sometimes negative stuff in our past that we have over-come that we realize might help someone but.... no, you know what kind of talk I'm talking about. INFPs are more prone to talk about their current negative stuff to a few more people, but ENFPs very few and we feel we never want to do without those few.
That's interesting! I know she's got a lot of friends, so I didn't think I might be that special to her in that regard. But perhaps I am! Would be good, I think..

I think you're right. Teaching someone something kind of breaks off a good reciprocal back and forth in sharing. I'd wait. But I wouldn't be too afraid to bring up new stuff. Whatever you think is interesting she probably would too. Trust your gut on some of this stuff because it does depend on her interests. But, for instance, I had a good friend for 1-2 years before she realized I was interested in literature, and this is a mega-interest of mine that I adore getting to talk about when I can. And many ENFPs have a ton of interests, so there might be multiple to tap into. Follow and trust your instincts here because you know her and you know how interested or uninterested in things she seems.
Thanks! I already try to, though I kind of feel pressured to come up with and learn about new things. We already talked about so much that it's hard to deliberately come up with new stuff!

Part of Enneagram. Social/Sexual variant. Basic drives. I'm sx/so meaning intimacy (not just sex, but emotional/intellectual too) then the good of the society and my place in it second. A third drive is self-preservation which is about personal stability. My husband is a INFP Enneagram 9 sp/sx. (sometimes I wonder if sp/so).
I see! Social/Sexual sounds about right, since she is both of it, a lot. (Scorpio zodiac sign, as well)

This might be an event that made her double-think and realize she needed to slow down. There might have been more here for her than she talked about.
I think you are right! I rue it so much! In that moment, seeing us deeply in love, I naively suspected it was best to openly share everything, even the dark stuff..

True, I believe. If reciprocated it feels amazing, though.
That's true, and this is what I fell for in her, emotionally.


The moving in would also be kind of soon to talk about for me... I'd want several months of dating. Closer to a year would be better. Like I said, my husband proposed after dating 1 month and what I failed to mention was that this scared me to pieces. It should take longer to trust someone enough to move in or marry them and to make sure. Several times I was so spooked that I really was begging him to slow down and at the same time I didn't want to lose him and was worried he would take so much offense that I would lose him, but his timing was rushed, imo. I wish he had slowed down and made all of it so romantic for longer. Plus I want those memories, the dating memories. But also just...you know you can trust but you're not sure how everything matches up. It takes more time. Living together is something that should take a bit more time. But especially with her background with her ex... she needs to take it slower. You can do this with the type of messages you two are writing, I feel. She will want to talk to you about what problems she is seeing when she sees you. I know if she were I and I were her then it is my ideal to be married to my best friend, so it would tell me a LOT if some guy cooled off on the friendship part of things just because we weren't having sex. I'd think to myself "Wow, all I was was sex to him, I guess. That's not the relationship for me." So her texts, right? Her way of setting it up is that you two talk and bond through texts and maybe you could call her? Ask her if she'd like that. Ask if you can continue your friendship on the phone some. Has she set up boundaries for that? If she has, then you honor the boundaries.
I see! Yes, you might be right in her testing me about the friendship part, and about loyalty and patience, as well. Especially as a single mother she needs to act responsibly and perhaps wants to assure herself and test me if I'm serious about her.

Regarding the phone: She did not explicitly set boundaries on it, but she told me she hates phoning, due to the inflexibility of it (her needing to be spontaneous and having very limited time). She rarely ever does it, only with family for no longer than 10 minutes. I happily emphasized, since as an INFP I hate being on the phone. Though I would do it, if it helped us becoming more close.
But most messages we exchange are voice messages anyways.
Still, I assume connecting and bonding would work better on the phone?

Okay, good info. She feels semi-close to them, still wants them in her life on her own terms.
Exactly, though at her age, maybe it's just natural, even if she feels very close to her family, which I think she does. Her mother is like her best friend. In one instance when she was sad she even said to feel longing for her mother, even with me being around.

Hmm... she might have been telling you about something that was kind of awful for her? Not really a good time to say "Can we do that too?" She might have felt like you didn't care about her at that moment. I'm not sure about how she would have felt about the jealousy. We've talked about jealousy as ENFPs and those who have dealt with truly jealous guys cannot stand even a little bit of jealousy. I have not had any negative experiences with men (thank god, but I do think I'm somewhat of the minority) and my husband is very kind and open so I actually want just a bit of jealousy pangs in him if someone seems interested in me. He has none, though. lol. Too darn secure, that one, imo. Anyway, back to you. She might have been testing you later or trying to be self-sacrificing and either one doesn't bode well to me. She was sharing something that she thought safe expressing to you... I don't know if this influenced her to the point of wondering if she was getting into the same old thing. It might have made her question herself big time and slow things down. Or she might have decided emotionally she wants you in her life, but maybe not as a lover. Or this might actually not be such a big deal in her mind... yet somehow this is also when she decided to not come for your 30th birthday. That's kind of a big deal and it kind of says a lot. So yeah...she could be feeling like she doesn't want to just get into a sexual relationship where things are expected of her and where she thinks she should be focusing on her child. This has got to sting for her a bit. Even while I'm writing it my throat is closing up... so yeah, she got hurt by the sex stuff and felt like her feelings were not put first. I would bet. But do look over your conversations. See if there were any other times she went cold in her speech or that she withdrew.
Oh no, I feel you might be onto something :( ! This definitely wasn't my smartest move! Though she told me this thing was not too bad for her, and that she only does/did it if she likes to (and claimed to then have felt like it). Perhaps she really was testing as she then stopped it a little later. Also, that was when she learned that I read an entire book about it, and also brought all the tools and requisites with me, already. Might have come across kind of freakish and obsessed! Though she played it cool and then had a long talk with me about in which way she likes it, and generally reassured me about things. Though, the next day when I asked if she'd like to have sex, she politely declined saying to not be in the mood for it (but refering to some other life event that was on her mind at the time).
But, back then her messages still continued to be romantic, and on my birthday she explicitly wrote about looking forward to our next sex (though as part of a lengthy, lovely birthday message).
I wish I acted differently.. but at the time I admittedly was kind of obsessed about it. Still am, but wouldn't show it anymore until things become more stable (if they do).

Regarding the jealousy: She hates it! It was the single biggest issue that brought both her previous relationships to an end. Both partners were very much jealous and trying to cage her. In that regard my fit of retroactive jealousy definitely was not something to be proud of. But beside that one occurance, I never showed any signs of jealousy. She meets both her ex partners frequently (one as the father of her child, the other as a close friend), and I have no problem with it at all, even showed interest in meeting them.


Oh, I just saw your edit here. I now think this is a combo. She needs to know she is important as a person to you even without sex, so keep on that. She wants that, she's said so. She wants you as an emotionally close friend. If you can prove that you are a good friend to her then maybe it can work out. But... I don't know if you want that or can tolerate that. I think, even, that you could ask her about this even before March. You'll want to think about this so that you get the wording right and I'd definitely put more into those texts. If she can't do without you emotionally, then it's not a far step to romance, but she would need to choose that. I don't know. It's kind of a lot to ask, but that's exactly it. If she's worth while as a friend then you'll communicate anyway. I'd be heartbroken to think that all I am to a guy is sex. I basically demand this tight of caring and friendship of anyone who would be my SO-- our friendship should be solid even without sex. For me once it's proven that I truly am that important and cared about then everything else would change. I couldn't do without him at that point. This is maybe why I haven't had bad relationships with men.. but then again, there are many innocent women who have been traumatized.

If it's hurting you too much after you give close friendship a go, then you let her know. Let her make a decision at that point. I think she's got things she wants to talk to you about in March, but you could try getting some of this figured out before if you lead with friendship in your communications with her as she is and play it out. Sleep on this. You know her better than I do, of course. I hope I'm not leading you wrong in any way just bringing up points to think over. You'll be thinking of your emotions and hers and I think you'll figure this all out.
If you are right, then I think I might be already doing good, since I continue and value the friendship stuff, even still being romantic about it every so often, not going cold on her even when she does on me. It needn't be personally, but sometimes I tell her at length about a lot of personal things or ask her questions, and she ignores most of them and picks up on only a few select points, or talks about something completely different. Though I'm not sure if that's a sign of declining respect and interest, or just her being honest and picky about what she wants to talk about with the limited time she has.

Regarding the friendship thing, I'd be okay with it for some time as long as we do not become "friends only". I think that would hurt a lot! But I'll learn about it in March, and I'd rather not confront her before. I'd be too afraid of forcing her to an untimely decision.

I hope you are right in her testing me if I was all about sex, of if I was serious and resilient. Though I don't really think she's believing I was only with her because of the sex. I mean if that was the case, I'd be making myself a lot of effort for very infrequent sex. But still..

There was one more thing when we last met. At one point we wanted to go on a trip and her son threw a tantrum not wanting to come along but also not wanting to stay. She became really sad at this point, even crying, feeling overwhelmed, and ashamed and not like a good mother who she claimed would be able to lovingly handle her kid. I reassured her and took some initiative in trying to motivate her son, and somewhat succeeded. That day I took some more initiative in that regard, and perhaps I went to far. She didn't say something like it, but she very well might have prefered me not to.

One more thing regarding March: As you know, her job is a big stressor in her life. From March on, she plans to reduce her hours, so she can take Fridays off! I do not know if this is going to happen, as I think she mentioned experiencing some problems with it (staff shortage at her kindergarten). But she might see it as a means to slow down her life and also create room for the relationship.
 

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@SolarSoul I wish you the best of luck! I think you've got the best info from me that I've got and I think the things you are wondering about are all on-point. Good Luck and take care of yourself as well, okay?!
 
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