[Fantasize]

I am not too sure if he is an ESFJ due to limited interactions and biased views towards him, but I would say I am about 60% certain. I'm not too sure how to start on describing our relationship so I'll just express my experiences with him when we met until now.

I will be splitting this long post to two parts. (Summaries included below for all those who dislike reading.)

1: Backstory (including how I hurt him)
TL;DR (Summary): He had unrequited love towards me. He helped me a lot and I felt like I was being looked down on but also like I was being put in a pedestal, so I rejected him harshly and insulted him a few times afterwards, regretting it later in time.

2: Our relationship now
TL;DR (Summary): It seems like he does not want to talk to me, but he does not give hateful treatment. I observed that he might still appreciate some parts of me.

Question: What can I do to remedy our relationship/ improve things for us?

Part 1: Backstory
When we first met, he came off as an inviting and nice person whom I appreciated and often helped me in situations where I seem to be stuck. I would return the kindness with reciprocal gestures and with time I guess he must have saw it as some sort of "special treatment" and was infatuated with me. This I quickly realized as he was clearly putting me on a pedestal but because he showed genuine concern and care towards me, I put it aside.

Somehow, he managed to make me feel like he was looking down on me at the same time, maybe this has to do with my independence, this was when he started tiring me out and crossing a few personal boundaries. A lot of his friends knew by some way or another that he was infatuated with me, and apparently he told quite a few people as well. We were pretty awkward from then on and after some time I rejected him rather harshly.

He started being quite bitter and I started feeling like a certain level of blame was being put on me, when rather he was messing with my independence. This made me ever so annoyed and even a bit insecure and I threw a few insults here and there to protect myself and also because I didn't recognize his high levels of sensitivity.

When I recovered enough to realize that doing that was absolutely stupid and inconsiderate of me and I should have just talked to him about things, our relationship was already ruined and part of me felt regretful and upset that I had hurt him, although at that time I still remembered how he made me feel. I thought about writing an apology a few times but I never knew where to start or how to express how I felt about him and plus I am extremely shy and never ever ever ever make the first move.

Part 2: Present Relationship
Quite a long time afterwards when I got over everything he seemed like he was still blaming me (I did sort of deserve it though haha) and I did try to remedy things slightly by approaching him more. Everytime when I approached him it seemed like he didn't really want to talk to me, and I often find me repeating myself because either he didn't hear or he didn't want to answer.

It is not a hateful treatment though, when with mutual friends we will laugh together and when we ever get to talk alone it seems like he is friendlier than when we are with others (which is most of the time). I have a feeling that he views me negatively as I love to dream and only take a small amount of things seriously, which is the opposite of him (at least from what I have seen).

Our relationship seems a lot more distant and it makes me annoyed when he does not acknowledge my attempts to remedy things. I have not interacted with him enough to give a detailed description of our relationship so feel free to ask specific questions about this!

So, what can I do to remedy our relationship/ improve things for us?

 

[JosephtheSinger]

1: Backstory (including how I hurt him)
TL;DR (Summary): He had unrequited love towards me. He helped me a lot and I felt like I was being looked down on but also like I was being put in a pedestal, so I rejected him harshly and insulted him a few times afterwards, regretting it later in time.

2: Our relationship now
TL;DR (Summary): It seems like he does not want to talk to me, but he does not give hateful treatment. I observed that he might still appreciate some parts of me.

Sounds like he is acting like the bigger person here. I'm sure you realize you screwed up and your behavior as described is never the right way to respond to unwanted affection b/c it shows lack of character.

So, what can I do to remedy our relationship/ improve things for us?

How about an apology?

 

[Jonn]

I'd go with josephthesinger, try apologizing.

I'm at the opposite side of your situation, a girl I'm the ESFJ guy loving a girl in my school, our situation turned sour a couple of months ago and now I'm "turning the cheek" so to say. It is our way to say "my hatred is growing fast, but I don't want you to touch it, because if we speak for real. I'll explode and probably leave you hurt".

Most people get confused by ESFJs and especially around this situation, shooting yourself in the foot and humping instead of confronting someone you're angry at... The reason is some of us ESFJs are afraid of our own anger... apologize to him and tell him it is alright to be angry, I know it is odd and you'll probably not understand why you are supposed to do it. But inside of him is an ocean of emotional intelligence and it will lock him down for an eternity, untill someone wakes him up.

 

[Fantasize]

I thought about apologizing a few times but I could never find where to start and I assume it would be awkward for both of us. And because I would be blushing and trying to escape long before I get to my point... (also I would like to add that it's been over 7 months since I rejected him and I'm not sure how I can discuss the topic now without him ignoring me)

Can any insight be given on why he's not willing to give a chance to the relationship again?
And is there a way that allows me to tell him my point of view without the awkwardness?

Thanks for the replies :happy:

 

[JosephtheSinger]

Can any insight be given on why he's not willing to give a chance to the relationship again?

Because he has self-respect.

From my perspective, why be friends with someone who has clearly demonstrated the ability to be insulting to me? Once is more than enough.

If you can't talk to him, I would slip him a note or something. It would be appreciated, I'm sure. If you aren't able to make an apology in any way, the only choice is to respect his desire not to be close to you and stop trying to make up for what you did.

The damage has been done and an apology is probably the only thing that will work.

 

[JosephtheSinger]

I thought about apologizing a few times but I could never find where to start and I assume it would be awkward for both of us. And because I would be blushing and trying to escape long before I get to my point...

Then I would rehearse. Here's what I would like to hear, as an ESFJ. This is what would work for me:

Fantasize walks up to ESFJ.
Fantasize: I'm sorry.
Fantasize starts to walk away.
ESFJ: For what?
Fantasize: For insulting you and being mean to you 7 months ago. It was wrong and I've always felt bad about it, so I wanted to tell you I'm sorry.
ESFJ says lots of very nice things and you are friends again.


Wouldn't you like it to happen that way, rather than trying to get him to like you again without addressing this big elephant in the room?

 

[JosephtheSinger]

I realize this is the "hard" way for you as an INFP, and maybe not what you wanted to hear. But once it's done I guarantee you your relationship with this fellow will be right.

Until it's addressed, I doubt it ever will be.

 

[Fantasize]

Because he has self-respect.

From my perspective, why be friends with someone who has clearly demonstrated the ability to be insulting to me? Once is more than enough.

If you can't talk to him, I would slip him a note or something. It would be appreciated, I'm sure. If you aren't able to make an apology in any way, the only choice is to respect his desire not to be close to you and stop trying to make up for what you did.

The damage has been done and an apology is probably the only thing that will work.

I see what you mean, thanks. Do you think an email will work?

 

[JosephtheSinger]

I see what you mean, thanks. Do you think an email will work?

Definitely. And it may be less awkward for both of you.

 

[lenabelle]

I see what you mean, thanks. Do you think an email will work?

I know I would appreciate an apology in person. If you don't think you can articulate it clearly, try writing it down in a letter and reading it to him in person. The next best thing would be chatting with him online, and then finally an email. I just feel like emails are so impersonal, and it's so easy for things to be misconstrued in emails since he can't hear your tone. If you do it in person, he can also have the chance to ask you questions if he's still confused, and I think it shows that you really value his friendship. That's just my 2 cents though.

 

[JosephtheSinger]

In-person would be much better; however, I would accept an apology email.