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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Exactly 3 weeks ago today what I thought was "the one" told me she's not ready for a relationship. It lasted only 4 months.
I am an INFP. We once discussed M-types and I think she said she was an ENTP, however when I research the types she also fits ENFP. Read further and maybe you can tell me...

When we met, we were both fresh out of relationships (5 months out) and both saying we wanted to wait a year before we moved on. She had been with her ex 3 years and engaged. I'd only been 7 months with mine but it went really sour. We were both healing. We wanted to keep things casual. She lived 3 hours away from me. But, we fell for each other anyway.
The thing is, like all INFP's I was still sulking and dwelling in my last failed relationship and had put up my barriers. But, like INFP I was longing to be in another relationship again. I tend to move from one relationship to another without much break in between, but I was struggling with trusting anyone new so I was really working hard to 'be single'.
But she insisted she was 'over' her ex and ready to move on, and listed all the things she wanted.

We clicked instantly. It seemed unreal how easily we got along right away. No awkwardness at all. Within a 3 weeks after we met she told me she could fall for me. She 'ended it' with the two other people she had been seeing casually, telling me that I was the one she wanted (and shared that they told her they loved her and wanted to be with her...)
She then said "I love you" first. She was talking about moving to my city. Talking about how she wanted to run away with me. She talked about the future. She joked "yep, I'm making future plans with you!" When things started to look like they could be getting serious I got scared. She challenged my barriers, and my need to stay safe. I realized I was stuck in my past, and made the choice to leap.
Once I let go, I fell HARD for her - she was a typical E-type, outgoing, chatty, friendly, risk taking, intelligent with 2 masters degrees, texting me every day all day, sending me notes, long skype chats every other day, always looking for an adventure for us, always talking about our future, always making plans, disorganized and messy but not sloppy, cared about her appearance and was ALWAYS complimenting mine, and I even got along with her amazing 8 year old daughter, to whom she was a very dedicated parent. I'd never seen a mom like that! We had a lot of fun and we communicated very well and shared a lot of the same values. She called us "perfect" and I started to believe it. But never did I let down my guard 100%, I couldn't, I'd gotten involved with fast-movers before and it ended badly. I saw these red flags but I chose to let them be or blamed them on my trust issues.

It was going great until I started picking up some signals. I checked in, and she admitted she was feeling scared. I challenged the time she told me she was totally over her ex and pushed me to work past my fears... and she admitted she *was* scared. Scared that the past would repeat itself and that I would "never be there". We talked it out, I assured her of my intentions, I spoke from my heart. It seemed to help.
But...
A couple weeks later she seemed distant, she would pull away one moment and come back the next, her excitement and future-talking quieted and she seemed distracted. I am an INFP and I pick up the smallest blips on my radar like sonic booms. I could see something was up. But when I asked she blamed it on stress.

Then a couple weeks later she ended it. She said her daughter was still missing her ex too much, and that she couldn't do this with me. She said when she commits it's permanent. I tried to tell her "people come and go..." and she said "NOT for us." She said she wasn't ready.
There was no arguing with her. Plus I refuse to beg or grovel. I also remembered her telling me how those casual people she'd split up with when she met me had told her they were in love with her, and I thought she was too accustomed to having people do that. I also saw it coming.
I was devastated and I fought to not let her see me cry. Yet she asked if that night we could still cuddle. I agreed but it was very painful and I didn't get much sleep. She snuggled in like it was just any other night.
The next day when she dropped me off for my ferry I kept my chin up, she told me "take care of yourself" and tried to give me a passionate kiss when she kissed me goodbye, but I held back and only pecked her lips. My walls were already stacking back up. And then that was it. No tears, nothing. And she got into her car and drove away.

So here I am 3 weeks later and I can't get her out of my mind. We have had VERY minimal contact since that day. In the couple days after she ended it she posted on facebook about how sad she was, and about having lied to herself and was trying to fill a void, and shared it was a year since her ex had proposed, and how she felt she needed to withdraw and to be gentle with her, and how she normally doesn't post her feelings but she felt she had to. But then a couple weeks later she was posting about how she was so grateful for the people who had been taking her out for adventures and out for coffee and talking to her about it, and how "the last two weeks" had been so hard. And a few days later she was posting photos of her new tattoo and talking about life as usual. (Since then I have un-followed her and made her an 'acquaintance')

I am trying to give her space. I keep checking my phone to see if she's texted me. I keep hoping she'll realize she's made a mistake, or realize she really is over her ex. Or at least admit she misses me. If she's an ENFP she may not be the type to expose her true feelings, so maybe she is missing me and can't tell me? Or if she's an ENTP she really has made up her mind and has moved on just like that. I wish I knew what to do. I won't lie, I want her back. And I will admit I am stupidly waiting for her, it was really good and if she really is just needing time to get over her ex then I am able to wait and see if we can make it work.
Every woman I look at I see her. I can't imagine myself with anyone else. I've actually never been this heartsick over someone. How do I get her back? Should I just tell her my feelings? If I don't what if it's too late?
I'm afraid to put myself out there and have her step on me. Typical INFP. Is there something I can do to help her? I seriously could marry this girl.
 

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I know my stance could be cruel and a bit harsh... I apologize if it's not what you want to hear; but... forget about her.

Based on what you describe; it seems like she's returned to "business as usual". It sounds to me like, althought it hurt her breaking up with you; she's over it. Sorry to say it; but, that's how it sounds. All I can tell you is, it hurts; but, it'll pass. It's part of life getting heartbroken. I know it sucks feeling the way you do; but, she's over you. The sooner you realize it and accept what's going on, the sooner you'll start the healing. Keep going with your life and be strong... If she realizes she's made a mistake, she'll come to you (then you can decide whether to give her another chance or tell her to hit the road); but, if you go out and tell her how you feel, one of two things can happen: 1) She tells you she loves you and decides to give it another chance or 2) She'll tell you she's not interested in anything with you. It's up to you to determine which scenario is the more likely.

I know it's hard to hear this; but, the sooner you start moving on an shaking up your sadness sensation; the better it'll be for you. If you stay like this and she has in deed moved on with her life; the feelings you have for her will turn from "love" to "hatred, anger, bitterness and resentment"; feelings that will permeate into future relationships, damaging your chances for future happiness with another person.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Sigh. Okay, I get what you guys are saying and I know you're probably right. But I need to at least understand what happened. Do you think she sounds like an ENTP or ENFP?
 

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Sigh. Okay, I get what you guys are saying and I know you're probably right. But I need to at least understand what happened. Do you think she sounds like an ENTP or ENFP?
She chickened out, sort of speak... She allowed her fears to take over her and doubt what she had with you. Also, I'd have to say the whole "daughter missing father" thing played a role also. Don't get me wrong; you must be a good, kind, wonderful person; but, a mother will always put her child first. Always. No exceptions. So, until she doesn't fully address what she's going through or takes a clear stance regarding you... it's rather pointless to push the situation.

And, in this type of cases... type doesn't play a role. MBTI types allow people to perceive the world in a particular way; but, it's life the one who forges who we are or how we act. In this type of cases, MBTI doesn't play a major role. It's just... perspective. Again... I know it's not the answer you want to hear; but, it's what I can tell you in my humble opinion. Hope it helps you in any possible way.
 

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You need to contact her, NOT wait for her to contact you. I know this sounds harsh, but you have to make things happen.

I recommend texting her and just...talking about it. What I'm getting from this is that she needs to have some sort of closure from her prior relationships. She probably just needs someone to talk to, and that gives you a foothold.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
You need to contact her, NOT wait for her to contact you. I know this sounds harsh, but you have to make things happen.

I recommend texting her and just...talking about it. What I'm getting from this is that she needs to have some sort of closure from her prior relationships. She probably just needs someone to talk to, and that gives you a foothold.
Thank you. I seem to be getting a lot of negative responses from people, it's nice to get some encouragement too. It's not as simple as just "get over it and move on" like they are saying.

I will contact her, and I'll get some closure one way or another. I was scared she'd say there was no chance for us. But like a friend told me tonight, I'm stuck in the 'what if' and that's not a good place for an INFP. We HATE confrontation, but I have to reach out and tell her what I feel, at least I know I tried. If it's a no, I can move on. If it's a maybe, I will move forward. If it's a yes, I will support her and continue to live my life. Either way, I will continue my life but I can stop laying awake at night wondering.

I'm going to tell her 'I plan on having an amazing life and I want you to share it with me.' It's the God's honest truth.

Think it'll work?
 

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There is actually a section for relationship advice, that you should consider next time. :)
 
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