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Hey everyone,
I've been lurking this forum forever, but this is my first post as a registered member.
I'm an INFP who borders on ENFP at times, and I've recently been smitten by someone who I think is an INTJ.
My last relationship was with an INTJ, and although that ended horribly (we were both incredibly immature) what initially drew me to this new INTJ is the similarities to my ex. I know that's a bad basis for a relationship, but as we've gotten to know each other better, I've realized that we have much more in common than me and my ex ever had; it's almost like I've stumbled onto the holy grail of people.
Here's where my need for advice comes in.
We've only been on speaking terms for four weeks, but we've already opened up to each other completely. We spent the last three days hanging out with each other almost exclusively, without getting tired of each other or having lulls in interesting conversation (unless we were having comfortable silence). I'll just outline this chronologically, because I think that would make most sense.
We go to school together and live in the same dorm, and Thursday night we decided to camp out in the canyon in the middle of the school. One of our good friends came with, but fell asleep relatively early. We spent the entire night talking to each other, and I could tell that something was bothering the girl I'm interested in. I didn't pressure her to tell me anything, and she eventually opened up, and told me that she identifies as asexual (how typically INTJ!) but that that she wasn't aromantic. I didn't make a big deal out of it, and I could tell she felt reassured. Friday night we hung out and got drunk with a few friends, and I remember I ended up holding hands with her at one point. We ended up in her room to listen to music, so I laid on the floor out of respect; she then told me I could lay in the bed with her. I did, but didn't initiate any contact, again, out of respect. The next day, I woke up terribly hungover and we made breakfast together and spent the day together, studying and then hung we hung out on a roof in the rain for hours and we both had a great time. We spent the entirety of the next day together, and it was filled with furtive glances and extended hand contact whenever we passed a glass or anything like that. We built a rope ladder together (again, what an INTJ thing to do) and spent the day lounging and talking. We made dinner together, and again, there were more hand touches and we were both smiling the entire time. She said things to me like "I love how you love people", and I told her how much I enjoyed being around her, and I noticed that made her really happy. We said good night but kept running into each other, and many times earlier she had been on the brink of saying something before becoming quiet.
Eventually I figured it was as good a time as any to say something, so I did. This is how the conversation went.
Her -You look confused.
Me- I'm not, it's just that...
Her- Just what?
Me- I like you. I like you alot.
Her-...what?
Me- I like you alot. I'm going to awkwardly walk away now.
Her- Wait, I'm confused.
Me- I have a big fat crush on you.
Her- Well, you know I don't feel that way, right?
Me- (this is where my avoidance of conflict came out) Yea. I just wanted to have it out in the open, I guess.
Her- Ok.
Me- Sorry about awkwardness.
Her- It doesn't have to be awkward. Goodnight.

So yea. I've never had chemistry like this with anyone before and this INTJ let her shell down in a matter of weeks only to shoot me down like crazy. This is a fucking long post, but does anyone have any insight on what I should do? I'm playing it cool but I know I'm very close to being devastated on the inside.
 

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Hey everyone,
I've been lurking this forum forever, but this is my first post as a registered member.
I'm an INFP who borders on ENFP at times, and I've recently been smitten by someone who I think is an INTJ.
My last relationship was with an INTJ, and although that ended horribly (we were both incredibly immature) what initially drew me to this new INTJ is the similarities to my ex. I know that's a bad basis for a relationship, but as we've gotten to know each other better, I've realized that we have much more in common than me and my ex ever had; it's almost like I've stumbled onto the holy grail of people.
Here's where my need for advice comes in.
We've only been on speaking terms for four weeks, but we've already opened up to each other completely. We spent the last three days hanging out with each other almost exclusively, without getting tired of each other or having lulls in interesting conversation (unless we were having comfortable silence). I'll just outline this chronologically, because I think that would make most sense.
We go to school together and live in the same dorm, and Thursday night we decided to camp out in the canyon in the middle of the school. One of our good friends came with, but fell asleep relatively early. We spent the entire night talking to each other, and I could tell that something was bothering the girl I'm interested in. I didn't pressure her to tell me anything, and she eventually opened up, and told me that she identifies as asexual (how typically INTJ!) but that that she wasn't aromantic. I didn't make a big deal out of it, and I could tell she felt reassured. Friday night we hung out and got drunk with a few friends, and I remember I ended up holding hands with her at one point. We ended up in her room to listen to music, so I laid on the floor out of respect; she then told me I could lay in the bed with her. I did, but didn't initiate any contact, again, out of respect. The next day, I woke up terribly hungover and we made breakfast together and spent the day together, studying and then hung we hung out on a roof in the rain for hours and we both had a great time. We spent the entirety of the next day together, and it was filled with furtive glances and extended hand contact whenever we passed a glass or anything like that. We built a rope ladder together (again, what an INTJ thing to do) and spent the day lounging and talking. We made dinner together, and again, there were more hand touches and we were both smiling the entire time. She said things to me like "I love how you love people", and I told her how much I enjoyed being around her, and I noticed that made her really happy. We said good night but kept running into each other, and many times earlier she had been on the brink of saying something before becoming quiet.
Eventually I figured it was as good a time as any to say something, so I did. This is how the conversation went.
Her -You look confused.
Me- I'm not, it's just that...
Her- Just what?
Me- I like you. I like you alot.
Her-...what?
Me- I like you alot. I'm going to awkwardly walk away now.
Her- Wait, I'm confused.
Me- I have a big fat crush on you.
Her- Well, you know I don't feel that way, right?
Me- (this is where my avoidance of conflict came out) Yea. I just wanted to have it out in the open, I guess.
Her- Ok.
Me- Sorry about awkwardness.
Her- It doesn't have to be awkward. Goodnight.

So yea. I've never had chemistry like this with anyone before and this INTJ let her shell down in a matter of weeks only to shoot me down like crazy. This is a fucking long post, but does anyone have any insight on what I should do? I'm playing it cool but I know I'm very close to being devastated on the inside.
Lemme tell you what. I am in the same situation, but it's the opposite. I'm INTJ and..have a "big fat crush" on an INFP guy..and im hoping to let him know like really soon[ im thinking of scheduling tomorrow or friday].
I personally think she should've been more sensitive to your feelings.
She's probably just afraid of being emotionally vulnerable. I'd know, I tried to chase away my feelings for this guy for months. It is only NOW that im admitting it.
id say give her time and let her know that no matter what, you'll always be there for her. corny, but it actually works.
 
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It seems the INTJ likes you on a friendship level but not on the romantic level. That happens, you know. Types don't have too much to do with it.
 

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Lemme tell you what. I am in the same situation, but it's the opposite. I'm INTJ and..have a "big fat crush" on an INFP guy..and im hoping to let him know like really soon[ im thinking of scheduling tomorrow or friday].
I personally think she should've been more sensitive to your feelings.
She's probably just afraid of being emotionally vulnerable. I'd know, I tried to chase away my feelings for this guy for months. It is only NOW that im admitting it.
id say give her time and let her know that no matter what, you'll always be there for her. corny, but it actually works.
Actually, she sounds like a very typical INTJ - "We don't do feelings".
If I were to dump someone, I would do (and did) exactly the same as she did. You, as in INTJ should know that usually we don't go around doing footsies. We dump the bomb and that's it, doesn't matter who gets hurt.
Also, it doesn't mean she's afraid of anything. She simply may not like the guy past friendship, simple as that. Don't go giving him hopes that might get crushed all over again. That's even worse.

@OP

If you have been reading these forums, you should know that most INTJ's will tell you to the face and without so much as a blink, what they think about you. Also, we tend not to care about other people's feelings.
You told her your feelings and she told you that she doesn't like you beyond friendship right on your face, without drama (that IS typical to an INTJ).
Consider yourself lucky that she felt you were someone worthy for her to open up to and let you into her "world" and consider you a friend.
You may let her know that you like her and that you will be there for her, but don't get your hopes high.
I'm not going to paint it pretty and rose with hearts for you, I'm sorry. It's more than likely that she only sees a friend in you and that's it. INTJ's do not only open up to someone they like romantically.
 

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Actually, she sounds like a very typical INTJ - "We don't do feelings".
If I were to dump someone, I would do (and did) exactly the same as she did. You, as in INTJ should know that usually we don't go around doing footsies. We dump the bomb and that's it, doesn't matter who gets hurt.
Also, it doesn't mean she's afraid of anything. She simply may not like the guy past friendship, simple as that. Don't go giving him hopes that might get crushed all over again. That's even worse.

ok, im sorry, i was just trying to help.
i wasn't trying to give him false hopes, i just said that this is what i would do if i were in the situation, but i spose im not a 'typical' INTJ when it comes to that stuff. i do care about hurting people's feelings and will do my best to avoid it, but if it can't be done, then i won't bother.
if it was me id care about the person and wouldn't want to hurt their feelings. it's not something i enjoy.
i didn't mean to give anyone false hopes or anything. i just said what i think and i was speaking from my personal experience.
i wasn't trying to be mean or anything.
 

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ok, im sorry, i was just trying to help.
i wasn't trying to give him false hopes, i just said that this is what i would do if i were in the situation, but i spose im not a 'typical' INTJ when it comes to that stuff. i do care about hurting people's feelings and will do my best to avoid it, but if it can't be done, then i won't bother.
if it was me id care about the person and wouldn't want to hurt their feelings. it's not something i enjoy.
i didn't mean to give anyone false hopes or anything. i just said what i think and i was speaking from my personal experience.
i wasn't trying to be mean or anything.
Ok... I didn't say you were being mean or anything.
If you care about people's feelings, that is good. Means you got in touch with yourself a bit more and it's nice, honestly.However, I did stress the word "usually", meaning that there are exceptions.
You are a bit more sensitive and in touch with feelings and emotions which would make you act in a different way. Me for example, I'd just act in the same way the girl in the OP's post did.
I said not to give him false hopes because he seems to think that she opened up to him because she likes him romantically. Given her attitude, I wouldn't say she does. I would say that she likes him only as a friend and that is the reason why she's letting him into her "world".
He sounds as if she got his hopes high on purpose and then crushed him, which isn't true. As I see it, she merely doesn't like him romantically and it was him who got all the fantasies and hopes up in his head.
 

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Ok... I didn't say you were being mean or anything.
If you care about people's feelings, that is good. Means you got in touch with yourself a bit more and it's nice, honestly.However, I did stress the word "usually", meaning that there are exceptions.
You are a bit more sensitive and in touch with feelings and emotions which would make you act in a different way. Me for example, I'd just act in the same way the girl in the OP's post did.
I said not to give him false hopes because he seems to think that she opened up to him because she likes him romantically. Given her attitude, I wouldn't say she does. I would say that she likes him only as a friend and that is the reason why she's letting him into her "world".
He sounds as if she got his hopes high on purpose and then crushed him, which isn't true. As I see it, she merely doesn't like him romantically and it was him who got all the fantasies and hopes up in his head.
True, you didn't say that. I made the mistake of assuming it *doh*
I see. Well I guess the way she acted is how a "typical" INTJ would act, the way you put it. I'm not really a "typical" INTJ behaviour wise but cognitive functions says I am.
I see. It's definitely possible that she doesn't like him romantically and only saw a friendship.
We don't know for sure though. Whatever's meant to be will happen, but in my personal opinion, and since we are reading this from the perspective of the OP, the description may be totally different if SHE was the one writing this. That being said, he may be "reading" too much into her friendship for lack of a better word.
And you've definitely got good points..especially since he probably just hoped that she liked him. I know that usually when someone has a crush, they CAN make it seem like the other person likes them, which may be what the OP did.
 

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I must have missed something. The OP's gender is listed as female, so why all the "he" talk? Given that fact, this could be a simple matter of the INTJ friend that identifies as assexual being straight. Or at the very least, leaning that way. It certainly wouldn't be the first time a straight-leaning girl sent out confusing signals.

That's really not intended to be as terse as it may sound.
 

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It not a hopeless situation, a difficult one though. we do hide our emotions and such to protect our soft gooey insides. I know that I wouldnt do all that stuff with someone i wasnt attracted to, i might just be something you have to work at for a week or two. If nothing else, they wont feel bad about turning you down again, and youve made a friend out of someone that usually doesnt like anyone.
 

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I must have missed something. The OP's gender is listed as female, so why all the "he" talk?
Woops... my fail...

Given that fact, this could be a simple matter of the INTJ friend that identifies as assexual being straight. Or at the very least, leaning that way. It certainly wouldn't be the first time a straight-leaning girl sent out confusing signals.
And good point.
 

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It not a hopeless situation, a difficult one though. we do hide our emotions and such to protect our soft gooey insides. I know that I wouldnt do all that stuff with someone i wasnt attracted to, i might just be something you have to work at for a week or two. If nothing else, they wont feel bad about turning you down again, and youve made a friend out of someone that usually doesnt like anyone.
basically what he said. the best thing to do is give it time, and then if you guys both feel it, you'll know. BTW. apparently the best thing to do in relationships/attraction is to not think, just feel. Yeah, I know it sounds totally counterintuitive and shocking, but it's honestly the best thing to do[that's INFP advice BTW].
 

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I must have missed something. The OP's gender is listed as female, so why all the "he" talk?
I always check these things... why doesn't everyone... *rolls eyes*


To the O.P.

Enjoy your wonderful friendship with this person. Have fun. Create awesome memories. Laugh. Live. There is no need to pressure yourself nor this person to meet any kind of relationship definition. Love itself needn't meet parameters. Caring for someone out of love is a reward in and of itself. The fact that an INTJ wants to be with you to any degree at all, let alone talk with you, is very complimentary to your character.

Don't worry. Be happy.

Thank you for being up front and honest with the INTJ. Communication is truly your ally.
 
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