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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
ISFJ's, please give me some insight:
I'm an INFP. There are certain aspects of my ISFJ boyfriend's personality that I am having trouble dealing with an I really want this to last but looking into the future, I'm worried if these things can't be worked out (in other words if he doesnt change or we don't find a way to handle things better). Don't get me wrong, I am willing to wait it out and keep trying (I am committed to us), we are "in love" and profoundly attached to each other and he has got it pretty bad for me- he sees us together in the future long term, having a family and such, basically there is no question that I'm it for him. But some things really bother me and cause me to not enjoy the time we have together and this is unsettling to me. Help me undertand him and advise me how we can overcome these issues?
 

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I think I've talked about this kind of stuff a really long time ago, but I don't remember the threads or exactly what I've said. So I think it'll be easier for me to find some more recent threads where I've kind of talked about some of this, even if it's not direct.

http://personalitycafe.com/isfj-forum-nurturers/58026-isfj-woman-infp-man.html

In that thread, if you look at my post, I put in a part from an MBTI book talking about how INFPs and ISFJs can help each other in relationships.


This second one is something I've been working on recently. I think the link in there is very helpful for ISFJs, and some of the qualities you described are talked about in the link.

http://personalitycafe.com/isfj-forum-nurturers/57922-helpful-link-isfjs-least-i-think-so.html



Kind of like I talk about there, I think it sounds like he needs to develop his Fe more. It sounds like he's been overcome by his Si, and is only using his Fe in small ways that don't satisfy him or you.




It's hard for me to say a whole lot else because I don't know what's really going on in his head.



But I think a lot of this sounds like communication issues too. I think it would be helpful if you told him some of these things that you're describing here, but you have to be careful not to do it in a judgmental way. I've told people in the past that it's better if you keep the emphasis on you and how what he does makes you feel, instead of putting the focus on him and now you want him to change.

ISFJs have a hard time changing, especially if our Si is really strong. It sounds like he has enough Fe that he wants to make you happy, but it sounds like you don't feel like its genuine. If that's the case, it sounds like his Fe isn't strong enough to truly help people, just enough to keep the peace.


But if he really does care about you, if you tell him these things but put the focus on how it hurts you, he'll probably start thinking about what he can do to change things. It will probably be a very long process, though...he'll probably have to do a lot of thinking about it and it will probably take him a long time to change things. But if you put more emphasis on how it makes you feel instead of emphasizing how you need him to change, he'll be less likely to be self-conscious and defensive and he'll be more likely to put some thought into it.


But like I said, I think a lot of it is about communication. Both of you have to be willing to truly listen to each other and truly try to understand each other. When you tell them all of these things, you also have to listen to everything he says, and you have to really try to understand where he's coming from too. If he's not willing to tell you, he probably doesn't trust you enough, and that would have to be something the two of you would have to work on as well...building trust. If neither of you feel confident in telling each other your true feelings, you're probably not going to be able to get anywhere else.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Teddy, thank you for your thorough responses. I have read all of the links you provided me with in this post and others. You have really been very helpful to me. Thank you so much. I'm going to delete the contents of this post because I just came to a decision and I no longer want this up here (too personal), but thank you again for your insights, they have helped me to figure things out a bit.
 
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