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Discussion Starter #1
Hello INFPs,

I’m new here and it would be amazing if you could help me out with your insight.

Apologies for the long rant ahead but without context it would be difficult for me to explain my feelings properly.

I’m an INFJ woman who really likes an INFP guy. We met as friends first but quickly realised that there was an obvious spark. When we got to know each other more he was really attentive, charming and funny. We met a lot and communicated through calls and texts on top of that. He made it very clear that he was into me.
Then suddenly it all came to a halt from his side. He changed jobs, said it was very stressful and that it took all his energy. I was very understanding about it, even though quickly I was the only one reaching out. His responses got further and further apart. By now, several weeks go by without contact and if I don’t reach out first, there is no reaction from him at all.

When he replies, he always says that he is happy to hear from me, that he is sorry for not being in touch and also for taking so long to respond. Then he goes on to list all the things he spent his time on instead, which seems to be hanging out with his friends and all other people in his life because he doesn’t want them to feel like he doesn’t care about them.
(While it seems like he doesn’t care about me at all???)

We live in different cities and don’t see each other now - not only because of the current situation but because of him not making any effort for months now...

I have read a lot about INFPs, especially here on this forum, and know from being with him as well that he needs a lot of time to process his thoughts and moves slowly. But I’m growing increasingly frustrated and upset about the situation.

Last time it has been more than a month without a sign of life from him. I reached out because, of course, he wouldn’t. When he finally replied, he again told me how sorry he was, that his job is getting the better of him and how happy it made him that I contacted him.
He never asks me anything about my life anymore. Apologising and telling me what he’s been up to is literally all his messages are. Although every once in a while he writes that he misses me.

I feel very upset about him making it obvious that he doesn’t feel like putting energy into staying in contact with me. I also think it’s incredibly disrespectful and I feel foolish about still having feelings for a guy who treats me like I’m not worth it.

I seems like a catch-22. If I tell him how this situation makes me feel, I’m sure I’ll hurt his feelings and he would see it as confrontational. But if I don’t let him know, I’ll continue feeling like garbage that he tossed away.
I also feel silly for sounding selfish about wanting him to pay attention to me. I’m very independent. But he is in his new job for more than 6 months now and apparently has plenty of time for everyone else in his life.
I don’t even know if his behaviour is supposed to be the silent treatment and if I hurt his feelings at some point, but none of my messages were critical or negative. So I suppose that he is just stringing me along.

He won’t even talk on the phone, on skype or anything like that. It’s been text messages only since he knew he would change jobs... He once said that he wanted to talk to me again and asked when I would be available. That was several months ago and nothing ever came of it.

I would really appreciate an INFP point of view on this situation.
Do you think I should approach the subject with him at all or just let things fizzle out naturally as it seems to be progressing now anyway?
Is that what happens when you guys feel stressed and I’m reading too much into it?
Is he testing me or do you think he’s moved on to another relationship but doesn’t know how to tell me?

I just can’t make sense of any of it anymore. With every other guy, by now I would have stopped all contact but since he is an INFP and our connection was amazing I’m not sure what to do...

Also, if you have a different view on the situation, I would really like to hear it.
 

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Obviously, it's difficult to say what goes through this guys mind. He might be stressed, as he says. There has definitely been times where I've avoided contact with friends just because of stress or being tired from having too many people around me. It seems weird that he won't talk to you, though. He might not be into you as much as he was and is afraid of hurting your feelings... who knows.

Have you met in person?

I don't know. Just ask him? Maybe send him a link to this post? :D
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Hey Wedge,

Thanks for your reply.

Yes, we spent time together, several days a week for about 3 months before his change in behaviour. He told me over and over how much he enjoyed being with me.

That’s how I’m reading it too, him just not being into me anymore.
I don’t get why he would express that in this way though. He was always about open-mindedness, honesty and being authentic.

What would you think if the person you’ve been seeing for a few months approached you about feeling hurt because you don’t reach out anymore?
I’m pretty sure he would get offended. And considering he won’t even talk on the phone with me, this would be a very awkward text message.. I’m also very conflicted about ending up hurting his feelings even though he is hurting mine.

Oh yeah, which guy wouldn’t enjoy reading about the woman’s perspective on his behaviour in this way. :confused: (Sarcasm off, although your suggestion made me chuckle)

What would you do if someone treated you like that and you were in my situation?
 

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Hello INFPs,
I’m new here and it would be amazing if you could help me out with your insight.
[...snipped]
Considering how long your INFP has been acting this way, I would guess that he's trying to close down the relationship without a scene. He has put up just about every barrier that he can, sent you broad hints that he just doesn't have time for you, and is basically just waiting for you to get the hint and quit contacting him.

Sounds like he doesn't want a scene or to have to explain his behavior. And he doesn't have the guts to ghost you outright either. So he behaves politely when you get in touch but otherwise doesn't give you any encouragement and waits for you to get tired of the chilly reception and leave him alone.

I would just take the hint and walk away. Even if you confront him, he probably won't tell you the real reason he's bailing on you. He doesn't want that scene; he doesn't want to have to argue with you as to why he has lost interest in you. Sounds like he just wants it over.

It's passive-aggressive behavior. But INFPs can be passive-aggressive at times.

Sorry for the gloomy prognosis, but that's what I'm reading. As the old saying goes, "He's just not that into you." And he's waiting for you to figure it out.
 

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This doesn't have much to do with type.

That guy is not as interested into you as you are into him. He has time to hang out with friends and what not, it's not like he is super busy 24/7. It sounds like an excuse to me. Even if I'm stressed, even if life sucks, if I'm romantically interested into someone or starting to be I will make sure to get in contact.

He is holding you warm like food on a buffet. It's common practice to do that. It's usually not even with bad intentions. But learn to notice that. Starting to fall in love or at least being very interested into someone is something you will notice. You won't question that.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Considering how long your INFP has been acting this way, I would guess that he's trying to close down the relationship without a scene.
[...snipped]

Thank you for your straight forward response. I appreciate the no bullshit approach.

That’s not how I would have handled the situation if I were him, but everyone is different I guess.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
This doesn't have much to do with type.
[...snipped]
Sounds like another plausible explanation. Although I would disagree on the bad intentions part..
Same result as with JimT’s response in the end.

Thanks for taking the time to comment.
You helped me out a lot.
 

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Sounds like another plausible explanation. Although I would disagree on the bad intentions part..
Same result as with JimT’s response in the end.

Thanks for taking the time to comment.
You helped me out a lot.
You are welcome! And yea, sure, it can be seen as a bad intention. I have to honestly admit that I also kept people waiting and warm with little responses every now and then, apologies, swearing I will better myself... so I can very much relate to that guy. It's mean, yes. It was mainly about avoiding conflict and making a scene, trying to keep the peace with a hint of hope that somehow my feelings will or could suddenly change or something. And then, when I met my current boyfriend, I was head over heels and wanted to text and meet non stop.

But I also got punshed back in the face! Before my current boyfriend, I met someone I was all curshing on and he played that game with me. So I know both sides.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
You are welcome! And yea, sure, it can be seen as a bad intention.
[...snipped]
I’m sure it doesn’t seem hurtful to yourself when you do it to others, but being on the receiving end of it is not a pleasant experience. What shocks me is that somebody I trusted treated me that way. I feel stupid for letting my guard down and think I should have known better from the beginning.

On the other hand, I don't think there's a point in dwelling on things. Now that I got an explanation for his behaviour from you guys, I’ll move on. I have lots going on in my life and see it as a learning experience.

I’m happy for you that you got with your boyfriend and that you both are on the same page about each other there.
 

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I’m sure it doesn’t seem hurtful to yourself when you do it to others, but being on the receiving end of it is not a pleasant experience. What shocks me is that somebody I trusted treated me that way. I feel stupid for letting my guard down and think I should have known better from the beginning.

On the other hand, I don't think there's a point in dwelling on things. Now that I got an explanation for his behaviour from you guys, I’ll move on. I have lots going on in my life and see it as a learning experience.

I’m happy for you that you got with your boyfriend and that you both are on the same page about each other there.
Sounds good!
 

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Your story sounds alot like one of mine, I'm an infp male and I did what your infp is doing. So I had a crash, lost my job and moved area. I decided in my infinite wisdoms that the girl I was seeing for 9months did not need to endure this pressure/pain. I ghosted her and didn't feel bad about it. I can't even remember if she contacted me I was so stressed and in "retreat mode" the difference is I wasn't going out to see my friends or messaging them, I was literally sitting at home isolating myself in depression for months after the event. Only 3 years later did I first feel like I hurt someone who loved me dearly and I cast her aside in such a horrible way. I wasn't thinking clearly then but that should not be an excuse for it! As an INFP male I do test my partners when dating by acting a little distance and see how they would react. Their reaction then tells alot about their motives towards me. If he was testing you based on what you said, you would have passed but he wasn't testing you. instead like what others are saying he's too shy to speak truths and instead allowing you to suffer emotionally and that's not on. Punishment is due, and as hard as it may be, his punishment is your silence. Once he feels your silence your energy levels will begin to return too along with happiness motivation and all sorts. He's draining you.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Your story sounds alot like one of mine, I'm an infp male and I did what your infp is doing.
[...snipped]
I appreciate that you took the time to comment and tell me about your perspective.
I’m sure he has his reasoning for why he acts that way and doesn’t see it as cruel. But at the same time, he wouldn’t like to be treated like that if it was the other way around.

I’ll just leave him be now.

Did you ever end up contacting the girl again you were seeing back then?
I’m sorry to hear that you had to deal with so much at once. That must have been overwhelming. Hope you are at a better place now!
 

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I agree with what has been said. As an INFP, when I really like someone I'm head over heels and can't stop messaging them. Even if I'm busy, you'll always be sure that I care about you by the way I respond. He probably lost interest in you but doesn't want to tell it and hopes you'll understand. Don't get obsessed, move on 'cause he has certainly moved on.
 

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I agree with what has been said. As an INFP, when I really like someone I'm head over heels and can't stop messaging them. Even if I'm busy, you'll always be sure that I care about you by the way I respond. He probably lost interest in you but doesn't want to tell it and hopes you'll understand. Don't get obsessed, move on 'cause he has certainly moved on.
Yeah, I’m focusing my energy on other things now.

He told me once how much he detests playing games and people who are not honest, authentic and upfront. So I understood it as he would tell me if his feelings change. Looking back, I can see how he meant he wants others to be upfront and honest with him but it’s not how he behaves himself.

Thanks skerr, I appreciate that you guys take the time to respond and help me out.
 

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Yeah, I’m focusing my energy on other things now.

He told me once how much he detests playing games and people who are not honest, authentic and upfront. So I understood it as he would tell me if his feelings change. Looking back, I can see how he meant he wants others to be upfront and honest with him but it’s not how he behaves himself.

Thanks skerr, I appreciate that you guys take the time to respond and help me out.
No problem! I get what he said, I feel the same. I value honesty and authenticity, don't like when other people play games and aren't upfront when something's wrong, but on the other hand I'm afraid of telling people the truth if it can hurt them. If I believe the person isn't a good person I can be extremely cold and hurt them without remorse, but if I believe it's a good person I'll try to avoid conflict and will make them understand instead.
 

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No problem! I get what he said, I feel the same. I value honesty and authenticity, don't like when other people play games and aren't upfront when something's wrong, but on the other hand I'm afraid of telling people the truth if it can hurt them. If I believe the person isn't a good person I can be extremely cold and hurt them without remorse, but if I believe it's a good person I'll try to avoid conflict and will make them understand instead.
I understand that. It just makes me sad that he didn’t trust me enough to be open and honest about it. I thought we had that.

We were friends beforehand and were able to talk about everything without judgement. So now I lost a really good friend because he didn’t feel like he could tell me without any negative feedback or hurt feelings.
Knowing that he doesn’t value me enough as a friend going forward and that I don’t get a say is tough and caught me off guard. I would have liked to preserve the friendship.

I’m sure he has his reasons and it might have been awkward for him to go back to friendship. It’s just a complete 180 to how he used to be.
 

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I understand that. It just makes me sad that he didn’t trust me enough to be open and honest about it. I thought we had that.

We were friends beforehand and were able to talk about everything without judgement. So now I lost a really good friend because he didn’t feel like he could tell me without any negative feedback or hurt feelings.
Knowing that he doesn’t value me enough as a friend going forward and that I don’t get a say is tough and caught me off guard. I would have liked to preserve the friendship.

I’m sure he has his reasons and it might have been awkward for him to go back to friendship. It’s just a complete 180 to how he used to be.
Yeah I can understand how you feel. Don't forget that it's just my opinion though, don't take it as a fact. It's the most probable thing, still I hope it'll get better between you two! Stay strong no matter how it turns out and focus on yourself from now on :)
 

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Yeah I can understand how you feel. Don't forget that it's just my opinion though, don't take it as a fact. It's the most probable thing, still I hope it'll get better between you two! Stay strong no matter how it turns out and focus on yourself from now on :)
Thanks skerr!:)
I’ll do that.
 

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Considering how long your INFP has been acting this way, I would guess that he's trying to close down the relationship without a scene. He has put up just about every barrier that he can, sent you broad hints that he just doesn't have time for you, and is basically just waiting for you to get the hint and quit contacting him.

Sounds like he doesn't want a scene or to have to explain his behavior. And he doesn't have the guts to ghost you outright either. So he behaves politely when you get in touch but otherwise doesn't give you any encouragement and waits for you to get tired of the chilly reception and leave him alone.

I would just take the hint and walk away. Even if you confront him, he probably won't tell you the real reason he's bailing on you. He doesn't want that scene; he doesn't want to have to argue with you as to why he has lost interest in you. Sounds like he just wants it over.

It's passive-aggressive behavior. But INFPs can be passive-aggressive at times.

Sorry for the gloomy prognosis, but that's what I'm reading. As the old saying goes, "He's just not that into you." And he's waiting for you to figure it out.
I think this is exactly what he is doing.

And I want to comment and say, this is not a good way to handle things. As someone who has also been on the receiving end, and is an upfront and honest INFP. If any of you do behave like this, I truly question why you do that. Do you not realise you cause more suffering than just saying straight exactly what you're feeling? You're allowed to not feel it anymore, you know.

I totally empathise with you @Coffeelover OP, it's frustrating when someone you connected so strongly with and so convincingly felt the exact same connection just goes all quiet and distant on you. It makes you question trusting your sense of 'connections' from thereon out. I hope you meet someone who treats you like a priority, and communicates maturely.
On the plus side, think of the bullet you dodged, not having to be with such a poor communicator. That would surely send your head spinning and add to a lot of insecurity.
 

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And "tossed me aside like a piece of garbage" - I am so sorry to hear that's how you feel. I have experienced that also. It's an awful feeling. I wonder if we should tell those people that's how they made us feel or just leave it.
I'm too nice when i liked someone. I instead apologised to him for things that weren't even terrible haha.
 
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