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Discussion Starter #21
And "tossed me aside like a piece of garbage" - I am so sorry to hear that's how you feel. I have experienced that also. It's an awful feeling. I wonder if we should tell those people that's how they made us feel or just leave it.
I'm too nice when i liked someone. I instead apologised to him for things that weren't even terrible haha.
Thanks Cherry!

It definitely makes me question how well I can read people and whether I can trust others or not.
Now I wonder sometimes if the entire way we interacted with each other was always only a facade from his point of view, even when he was eager and initiated contact all the time himself. As I mentioned previously, we were friends before - or at least I thought we were. But in the end of the day, unless he approaches me to talk things out, I will never know. Nothing I can do about it.

I already feel that I am more cautious now around people.
But going forward, I don't want that to hold me back from what I stand for and what my own goals are in life.

I'm sorry you had to go through that as well. I think not wanting to hear anything negative or potentially having guilt projected onto them, is why people chose to handle situations that way and become silent. I doubt pointing it out is helpful as that seems to be the exact scenario they want to avoid.
Also, if someone can disappear from your life like that, I don't think your opinion matters much to that person anyway.
 

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I don't think it's good to call everything into question. People change you know, you've apparently been close for months, he messaged you first and seemed excited to talk to you so it's pretty sure he wasn't faking it. When someone doesn't want to hear from you they don't reach you first or put on a huge smile for months. The spark probably isn't there anymore, those things happen. Your situation happened to me several times and I felt so disappointed and saddened. As of today I still think of these people from time to time, but it's just part of life and we should learn to let go and get over it.
 

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Discussion Starter #23
I don't think it's good to call everything into question. People change you know, you've apparently been close for months, he messaged you first and seemed excited to talk to you so it's pretty sure he wasn't faking it. When someone doesn't want to hear from you they don't reach you first or put on a huge smile for months. The spark probably isn't there anymore, those things happen. Your situation happened to me several times and I felt so disappointed and saddened. As of today I still think of these people from time to time, but it's just part of life and we should learn to let go and get over it.
I agree, people change.

Still, I question people’s intentions and my ability to connect with others now. Will take a while before I get my groove back in that regard.

Thanks for sharing your experiences with me and for trying to cheer me up though.
 

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I appreciate that you took the time to comment and tell me about your perspective.
I’m sure he has his reasoning for why he acts that way and doesn’t see it as cruel. But at the same time, he wouldn’t like to be treated like that if it was the other way around.

I’ll just leave him be now.

Did you ever end up contacting the girl again you were seeing back then?
I’m sorry to hear that you had to deal with so much at once. That must have been overwhelming. Hope you are at a better place now!
i am in much better place now but still have some way to go, once i processed all the emotions (2 years) and figured out the consequences of my actions and the crash i come to realise that i just abandoned the woman that loved me dear, and even tho i loved her equally, i still left. after realising i caused her pain i then had to battle my own mind to tell/admit to myself i was wrong and it was my fault too. i messaged somewhere on the 3 year mark saying how sorry i am and how selfish i was to put you though that kind of pain. her reply was forgiving but also sad "dont worry, iknow you were in alot of pain, i am over it and its not the first time or the last time its happened." plus more.. we dont contact each other but i still think of how i hurt her, all the time. one day i plan to make it up to her, i have no idea how but we'll see. messaging her relieved alot of guilt and shame from me but im still very disappointed in myself i did it in the first place and i would forgive myself if i something like that again.

the pain of abandonment hurts tremendously.
 

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Discussion Starter #25
i am in much better place now but still have some way to go, once i processed all the emotions (2 years) and figured out the consequences of my actions and the crash i come to realise that i just abandoned the woman that loved me dear, and even tho i loved her equally, i still left. after realising i caused her pain i then had to battle my own mind to tell/admit to myself i was wrong and it was my fault too. i messaged somewhere on the 3 year mark saying how sorry i am and how selfish i was to put you though that kind of pain. her reply was forgiving but also sad "dont worry, iknow you were in alot of pain, i am over it and its not the first time or the last time its happened." plus more.. we dont contact each other but i still think of how i hurt her, all the time. one day i plan to make it up to her, i have no idea how but we'll see. messaging her relieved alot of guilt and shame from me but im still very disappointed in myself i did it in the first place and i would forgive myself if i something like that again.

the pain of abandonment hurts tremendously.
I’m glad that you are in a better place now.

It sounds like you needed time for yourself and she is not holding it against you. I’m sure she realised that everything that was going on in your life became too much and appreciates that you reached out, even after a long time.

You could contact her again and let her know that you’d like to stay in touch, if that is what you want.
Don’t try to make anything up to her out of guilt though. I don’t think that would be a healthy way to connect for either of you. If I were her, I wouldn’t want you to still beat yourself up over it.
 

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As in any relationship, I think transparency is the best policy here. There are many people in my life that I care deeply about who I contact only once a month or less because texting stresses me out/I’m really bad at replying to texts and then when I haven’t texted them for a while I feel extremely guilty, so I avoid contacting them even more even when I want to. The excessive apologizing + saying he misses you sounds like that to me. I don’t think he would say he missed you unprompted if he didn’t mean it.

In terms of him having time for other friends + activities, it’s not very mature or responsible I know, but I relate. It’s a lot easier for me to get pulled into plans others are making or regularly scheduled activities than it is for me to text somebody I love but contact infrequently, cause when I’m alone and would have the time I often get very absorbed in some task or idea. The solution I’ve found is to just give people my number and call them on the spot or have them call me without making a plan first. It forces me into action (either pick up the phone now or actively refuse the call) while texting lets me stay distracted + in my head.

Anyway, the point is just tell him how you feel. Not necessarily as an accusatory “you suck and have been stringing me along,” but as a “this is how your actions make me feel and i need to know what the situation is, and if you like me we need to figure out a different approach to staying in contact that works for both of us.” If he can’t handle that honest and direct conversation, there will be other relationship problems anyway.
 
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Discussion Starter #27
As in any relationship, I think transparency is the best policy here. There are many people in my life that I care deeply about who I contact only once a month or less because texting stresses me out/I’m really bad at replying to texts and then when I haven’t texted them for a while I feel extremely guilty, so I avoid contacting them even more even when I want to. The excessive apologizing + saying he misses you sounds like that to me. I don’t think he would say he missed you unprompted if he didn’t mean it.

In terms of him having time for other friends + activities, it’s not very mature or responsible I know, but I relate. It’s a lot easier for me to get pulled into plans others are making or regularly scheduled activities than it is for me to text somebody I love but contact infrequently, cause when I’m alone and would have the time I often get very absorbed in some task or idea. The solution I’ve found is to just give people my number and call them on the spot or have them call me without making a plan first. It forces me into action (either pick up the phone now or actively refuse the call) while texting lets me stay distracted + in my head.

Anyway, the point is just tell him how you feel. Not necessarily as an accusatory “you suck and have been stringing me along,” but as a “this is how your actions make me feel and i need to know what the situation is, and if you like me we need to figure out a different approach to staying in contact that works for both of us.” If he can’t handle that honest and direct conversation, there will be other relationship problems anyway.
I agree with you. It is important to be transparent with each other in a non-judgmental or accusatory way.

But would you change and want to find a compromise, if you are being told the other person feels hurt by the little contact you have with each other, and by being put on the back-burner every time? Because if texting stresses you out, wouldn’t asking for more contact cause you to feel guilty and not achieve anything but make you even less inclined to make time? Even when it is brought up very gently.
 

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I agree with you. It is important to be transparent with each other in a non-judgmental or accusatory way.

But would you change and want to find a compromise, if you are being told the other person feels hurt by the little contact you have with each other, and by being put on the back-burner every time? Because if texting stresses you out, wouldn’t asking for more contact cause you to feel guilty and not achieve anything but make you even less inclined to make time? Even when it is brought up very gently.
If the person is important to me and they told me my actions were hurting their feelings/negatively impacting a relationship I want to maintain, then yes I would far rather have that conversation than not know. With a lot of my friends, we have an understanding that we're both not great with texting and don't really mind each other responding slowly.

The guilt point is definitely a good one, as it's probably true that if someone told me that not messaging them made them feel bad, then I continued to not message them, I would feel guiltier than usual. I think it comes down to personal maturity whether the person chooses to sit in that guilt and continues to avoid confronting it versus facing it and making a plan to make sure it doesn't happen again. For example, when I've missed several attempts at calling a friend, I will literally schedule it in my calendar so I can't miss it, or I'll give them my number and ask them to call me if I don't call them first.

The other thing about that guilt is that I've learned that I often way overestimate how upset people will be with me about something. It's helpful for me to remember that even if I haven't initiated contact with someone in a while, in the vast majority of cases the person is just going to be happy when you finally decide to change the pattern, not resentful that you reminded them of your previous neglect. If he struggles with similar feelings it may be helpful to point this out.

Best of luck :) Personally I think the stereotypes of INFPs being ultra sensitive to hurt feelings are overinflated, or at least overgeneralized from challenging personal values to any kind of criticism at all. I love a good, honest conversation with constructive criticism, and if he does care about you, making you feel valued should matter far more than his feelings about his texting habits.
 
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