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What an asshole!

Okay... on to the main post. This is such a complicated situation.... I can hardly even begin to pretend I can put myself in either of your shoes fully.

As for the INFJ... She probably felt guilty about what happened, but was hiding it because she felt like what she did wasn't necessarily wrong... (You know, she probably rationalized it while it was happening)

It's a strange duality... to feel guilty, but then to hide it because of the belief that that guilt is unfounded.

When things progressed.... she probably felt as if she'd wronged you and wanted to make up for it in some way... but at the same time couldn't bring herself to apologize.

I think she wants to apologize with her actions. Because talking to you... especially considering she hasn't apologized or opened up at all... can't feel too good. It's probably some form of pennance. That's just some guesswork on my part.

I hope you find the answers you're looking for.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
What an asshole!

Okay... on to the main post. This is such a complicated situation.... I can hardly even begin to pretend I can put myself in either of your shoes fully.

As for the INFJ... She probably felt guilty about what happened, but was hiding it because she felt like what she did wasn't necessarily wrong... (You know, she probably rationalized it while it was happening)

It's a strange duality... to feel guilty, but then to hide it because of the belief that that guilt is unfounded.

When things progressed.... she probably felt as if she'd wronged you and wanted to make up for it in some way... but at the same time couldn't bring herself to apologize.

I think she wants to apologize with her actions. Because talking to you... especially considering she hasn't apologized or opened up at all... can't feel too good. It's probably some form of pennance. That's just some guesswork on my part.

I hope you find the answers you're looking for.
Thank you for your thoughts. I honestly never considered that she could actually feel guilty. I assumed she justified her actions and refused to believe that she was wrong (at least that's how I interpreted her silence). Its sort of comforting to think that she actually felt bad.
 

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I don't see a INFJ doing this unless she really loved him..

She probably if so, still wants him. INFJ's don't like to show weakness at all mainly because we are the most empathetic and its not something we want to be shown.
 

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ok, I'll take a stab at interpreting it

...She was aware that I was with him, pregnant and he even confessed in front of us both that he was in love with me and not her. She even confirmed it by telling me so. (long story). Why she continued to sleep with him, I do not know.
Sounds like she is masochistic. This woman was trying to destroy her own ego by being with a guy who was with somebody else and who was consistently telling her that he does not love her. It humiliated her. It sounds like she has very low self-esteem and self-destructive impulses. She was basically inflicting pain on herself with this relationship and punishing herself for not living up to some perfect ideal that was in her mind. This can occur in very introspective INFJs.

I was hoping to connect with her, to talk about our painful experience, admit our hurts and wrongdoings, find peace and closure in that and put it behind us, but it just didn't happen. She was very closed and guarded. She rarely, if ever, expressed how she felt and I never got a reason for why she continued to sleep with my boyfriend knowing that I was pregnant and that he was "in love" with me.
She will not be able to find peace with you or anyone until she finds peace with herself. That was she is seeking in reality.

I got the sense she admired me, probably because the ex would go on and on about what a "wonderful personality" I had to her, which I think made her jealous/envious.
Unlikely, I think she was envious of you because you gave off air of being well-grounded and happier with yourself, something she struggled to attain.

A month later I received a birthday card from her in the mail. She said kind words and asked me to keep in touch, but because I had promised my husband that I would never talk to her again, I did not respond. I wanted to, but honoring my promise to my husband is more important to me.

I wonder now, if she ever thinks about what happened and if she still thinks about me and my son. I wonder if she's angry that I never spoke to her again. Is she over everything or could it possibly still hurt? How resilient are INFJs?
Possibly having a child is giving her better grounding. Have you explained to her that the reason you are not talking to her is because your husband does not want you to talk to her and you would like to honor his wishes? In this case she will not feel rejected by you. If you have not, you have chance to do it now and ask her to stop communication as well, but ask your husband beforehand so it will not be like you are breaking your promise. Just cutting communication and going underwater without any explanation would not be cool with any MBTI type. Telling truth is best.
 

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I don't think she will easily get over you never talking to her again. that doesn't mean she is angry about it or that she holds a grudge, but it's difficult for us to let go of people that we've had some sort of emotional attachment to, even when we know that we have to.
 

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Hmm, I agree with vel. I feel that it's difficult for me to comment on this situation as a whole (since i cant even begin to put myself in either of your shoes), but in regards to the communication, I think you should at least let her know that it was per your husband's request (after touching base with your husband about communicating with her one last time).

I think it's kind of you to end your communication with those warm words towards her and I commend your attempts to bond as women going through a similar hurt. However, since you did initiate the correspondence with her, it would be responsible to follow up and explain your reasons for ending what started. I'd suggest keeping it focused on your husband/family/you, and avoiding statements such as "you never opened up," etc. HTH, sorry if it wasn't more specific or detailed.
 

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Discussion Starter #10 (Edited)
Have you explained to her that the reason you are not talking to her is because your husband does not want you to talk to her and you would like to honor his wishes? In this case she will not feel rejected by you. If you have not, you have chance to do it now and ask her to stop communication as well, but ask your husband beforehand so it will not be like you are breaking your promise.
Unfortunately she doesn't know the reason why I cut off communication.
 

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Unfortunately she doesn't know the reason why I cut off communication. :sad: That's why I sometimes wonder how she feels....if she's angry or even cares. My last email was four years ago in late December. My birthday is in early February and that's when I received her card. See I couldn't write back because at the time I felt like I couldn't say "I owe it to my husband and family to get emotionally healthy." See INFPs have a hard time letting people know just how badly it hurts. I would have let her know, would have bared my soul....but she never met me half way. If I don't feel like the person is willing to meet me half way, I can't just bare my soul and leave myself feeling completely vulnerable.

I've tried talking to my husband recently about talking to her again, but he told me that our family has been at peace and we should leave it alone (my past was the source of many arguments between my husband and I during our first year of marriage). I honor and respect my husband so I left it alone. I've thought about maybe writing an explanation and sending it to her last known address and not putting a return address on the envelope (she doesn't know where I live), but decided against it since after four years now, doing that would probably make me look like a weirdo. I also think that, technically, its like breaking my promise to my husband.:unsure: Pesky INFP values. *rolls eyes* I just can't go against my word.
Have someone else send the message for you. :wink:
 
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