Personality Cafe banner

1 - 8 of 8 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
327 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
I'm the only NF in my immediate family. Both my mother and sister are esfjs, and my father is an isfj.

I find this combination to be somewhat problematic and annoying for me, first of all, all my sister does is whine about stuff, everything I say or do that deviates from what's 'normal' she snaps at me for, this ranges from political views to taste in music, she'll widen her eyes, drop her mouth and say 'Beeeeeeeeeeenn!' like a punched an old lady in the face. I can never seem to talk about these problems with her, because she is extremely defensive, she'll just play the victim and say I'm being rude. My mother is better, but she doesn't always approve of my views on subjects, she seems to really value me being normal, for example she's extremely opposed to the idea of me dying my hair a different colour. She said that it 'reflects baldy on her' if my hair is dyed black.

My father annoys me the most. I feel like he's constantly trying to get me to behave more like him, like he sees me as a new version of himself, and that any differences between myself and him are temporary and will change later in life. He's always talking about what he did at my age, as if I aspire to be exactly like him. He's also always trying to make me ass-kissy to authority figures, he equates blind obedience with maturity, if I ever have any problems with authority figures at school he'll always take their side and say 'you're acting like a 2 year old'. I HATE when he says that, he doesn't even care to know my side of the story, it seems like he just wants me to grow up to be a normal, obedient, 'mature' adult, regardless of my feelings about being that way.

I'm not trying to insult any sfj's who might be reading this, I don't think that I'd have these same problems with all sfjs. But I was thinking that maybe that an infp being surrounded by sfjs isn't a very good combination. Is it known to be a negative experience for infps? Did anyone else grow up around SJ types?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
373 Posts
I think it always depends on the -SFJ.

However, generalizing all -SFJs and INFPs, I thought of the following. If an -SFJ was a rose, I think the INFP's angle on them would be looking up from below the stem: we'd see thorns first, flower second. Because we're (generally speaking) weird. Weirdness gets an ESFJ's thorny side first. Yet, ESFJs are supposed to be kind, warm, well-mannered, and two things that rarely comes to an INFP naturally: socially savvy, one, and, responsible, two. xDDDDDD Hopefully, being surrounded by -SFJs would help make you more like them in the positive ways, but since you're an INFP, I doubt they can drill much negativity, or anything else, into you without your consent. (Which must drive the poor dears crazy.)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
327 Posts
Discussion Starter #3
I think it always depends on the -SFJ.

However, generalizing all -SFJs and INFPs, I thought of the following. If an -SFJ was a rose, I think the INFP's angle on them would be looking up from below the stem: we'd see thorns first, flower second. Because we're (generally speaking) weird. Weirdness gets an ESFJ's thorny side first. Yet, ESFJs are supposed to be kind, warm, well-mannered, and two things that rarely comes to an INFP naturally: socially savvy, one, and, responsible, two. xDDDDDD Hopefully, being surrounded by -SFJs would help make you more like them in the positive ways, but since you're an INFP, I doubt they can drill much negativity, or anything else, into you without your consent. (Which must drive the poor dears crazy.)
Omg, you just wrote a perfect description for my relationship with the rest of my family.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,721 Posts
My father annoys me the most. I feel like he's constantly trying to get me to behave more like him, like he sees me as a new version of himself, and that any differences between myself and him are temporary and will change later in life. He's always talking about what he did at my age, as if I aspire to be exactly like him. He's also always trying to make me ass-kissy to authority figures, he equates blind obedience with maturity, if I ever have any problems with authority figures at school he'll always take their side and say 'you're acting like a 2 year old'. I HATE when he says that, he doesn't even care to know my side of the story, it seems like he just wants me to grow up to be a normal, obedient, 'mature' adult, regardless of my feelings about being that way.

I'm not trying to insult any sfj's who might be reading this, I don't think that I'd have these same problems with all sfjs. But I was thinking that maybe that an infp being surrounded by sfjs isn't a very good combination. Is it known to be a negative experience for infps? Did anyone else grow up around SJ types?

First off, let me say that these kinds of things happen between most teenagers/young adults and their parents. It's not all just because of type. I do think in your case, as in many cases, type accentuates the problem. However, I think this is just a part of life...it's a tough time in a person's life when they transition from being a child to an adult. They go through all kinds of changes, and it's hard on parents to know what to do about this. It's hard for a parent to go from being completely responsible for someone to having that person become independent...especially since most people are still somewhat dependent upon their parents into their 20s, and emotionally many people are dependent upon their parents until their parents die.


Secondly, this is a very common occurrence on PerC among other types with SJ parents. It's probably strongest with NPs, but NTs, SPs and NFs all seem to have a lot of frustrations with SJ parents. If you do a number of searches on PerC, you'll definitely see that you're not alone.


Now in regards of your ISFJ dad...

One problem that ISJs face is that it can be very difficult for us to understand how other people are different than we are. Our dominant function is Si, and this means that we base all of our knowledge on our past experiences. Because we have inferior Ne, it's hard for us to use our imaginations to understand how something can be true if we don't have concrete evidence of it. Because of that, we have a hard time discerning what is commonly true in all people, and what varies from person to person.

In your case, this is probably very confusing for your dad, since we're talking about your future and what you'll become. His inferior Ne has trouble picturing that, so he has to fall back on his own experience. This is why he thinks you'll end up being like him, even if he can't see those parts in you right now.

ISFJs are also the type most likely to trust in authority. Because this is where we get our most peace and comfort (with the rules and structures set in place by authority), we usually are at our best when there is a set authority in place and we can trust in it. It's very stressful and disruptive for us to not have that authority in place, so we tend to value it the most.

(I'm not arguing that authority is always right, and I disagree with your dad's actions/words if you're depicting in a completely accurate way. I'm just describing the natural comfort zone of a typical ISFJ).


So the thing is...without something like the MBTI to give him an idea, your dad is likely to think that you're going to end up being very similar to him, and that the differences he sees in you is a "teenage phase". Unfortunately, being an older person, he's probably not very likely to take something like the MBTI seriously, especially if it's coming from you.


I think this is why ISFJs have a hard time being in authority...it's one reason why I don't know if I would ever want to have kids. ISFJs can be afraid of admitting that they're wrong because they're afraid they won't be respected anymore. Your dad's inferior Ne may be telling him that if he admits you're right and he's wrong about something, that you'll extend this to all facets of his life, and that you wont' listen when he's right and you're wrong.


Basically, your dad is probably worried that if you don't follow a similar path that he did, you won't end up in place in life that you're happy. Unfortunately, it sounds like he's trusting his own personal experience more than your personal input, since he probably believes you'll end up changing your mind when you get older.



The fact of the matter is that there are probably some things that he'll end up being right about and some things you'll end up being right about. There are probably some things that when you get older, you'll change your mind about to agree with your dad. Younger people never want to hear this, but it's usually the way it goes for just about everyone. However, there are also probably some things that will be true for you that are not true for your dad. He'll probably learn one day that you are not the same as he is in every way, and that he was wrong about some things right now. Parents never want to hear this, but it's also usually the way it goes.


It's impossible to say how it will turn out exactly, but most likely one day there will be some kind of mix of these two things. It happens with most people like that as they turn into adults.



For now, I think the best way to look at it is that even if your dad is wrong about the way he's going about things, it sounds like he really does care about you and is just worried about your future. I know it's not the most logical way of looking at it, and he may not be as sympathetic as he should be. But it sounds to me like this is a sign that he cares about you, not a sign that he doesn't....even if he's not showing it in the best way.


I think it's probably best to find a balance with everything. The more you fight your dad on this, the more he's probably going to fight back. He's probably not going to know what to do to help you the most if you're fighting him.

I think if you can find the things you do agree with your dad on, and focus on the places where he has been right, he'll be more likely to be more willing to listen to you. ISFJs really value feeling appreciated, and if he knows that you value and appreciate his advice, he'll be more likely to relax. This will hopefully make him more likely to listen to you, and you'll hopefully be able to give more input. It also helps if you emphasize to him that just because you disagree with him doesn't mean that you don't value his input or that you disrespect him.




This is all just my opinion based on what I know about ISFJs and myself. I really can't speak for your dad, I'm just giving my best guess. I kind of acted like I could read his mind in this post, but I could certainly be wrong about some of this.
 

·
MOTM Dec 2011
Joined
·
8,651 Posts
My immediate family is all SFs. A lot of the stories INFPs with xSTJ heavy immediate families recount sound far, far worse than my experience. I certainly felt something of an alien as a kid, but I might've felt that anyway, just due to my nature. I do have some NFs & Ns in my extended family, and it never fails that my personality gets compared to theirs :p.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,010 Posts
From what I can recognize, my Mom and Grandma are ESFJs and Dad is an ISTJ. I can relate a lot to your experience, especially this:

One problem that ISJs face is that it can be very difficult for us to understand how other people are different than we are. Our dominant function is Si, and this means that we base all of our knowledge on our past experiences. Because we have inferior Ne, it's hard for us to use our imaginations to understand how something can be true if we don't have concrete evidence of it. Because of that, we have a hard time discerning what is commonly true in all people, and what varies from person to person.

I think this is why ISFJs have a hard time being in authority...it's one reason why I don't know if I would ever want to have kids. ISFJs can be afraid of admitting that they're wrong because they're afraid they won't be respected anymore. Your dad's inferior Ne may be telling him that if he admits you're right and he's wrong about something, that you'll extend this to all facets of his life, and that you wont' listen when he's right and you're wrong.

Basically, your dad is probably worried that if you don't follow a similar path that he did, you won't end up in place in life that you're happy. Unfortunately, it sounds like he's trusting his own personal experience more than your personal input, since he probably believes you'll end up changing your mind when you get older.
Thanks a lot for this post, @teddy564339. It really helped take things into perspective. =)
 
  • Like
Reactions: teddy564339

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,721 Posts
From what I can recognize, my Mom and Grandma are ESFJs and Dad is an ISTJ. I can relate a lot to your experience, especially this:



Thanks a lot for this post, @teddy564339. It really helped take things into perspective. =)
Yeah, a lot of what I said is true for ISTJs as well, since they also have that dominant Si/Inferior Ne combo. But they're usually not as hung up on the need to be appreciated as ISFJs are. In that regard, I don't know really know what helps in dealing with an ISTJ, since you have to appeal to their Te logic. This means you have to logically convince them that their past experience doesn't dictate what's true for other people, and to me this is much more difficult than working with someone based on their emotions. Then again, as an F using Fe, this would be naturally easier for me.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Vin The Dreamer
1 - 8 of 8 Posts
Top