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Discussion Starter #1
Made my best friend upset because of my insecurities.

This friend(ISFJ) and I (INFP male) are best friends. We’re honest with each other and we know a lot about each other.

She has told me about everything that has happened to her in her life. I know personal info about her that she doesn’t tell anyone else. We are insanely close.

However, due to some insecurities of me, as well as some past friends of hers I can get a little anxious/protective about who she is with. It’s an issue that I’ll discuss with my therapist in a couple of weeks (This was decided before this incident so it was proactive now).

Well last night, while drinking I admitted to not helping her out with something earlier this year partly because I looked up an address she had given me and discovered that one of her old bad news friends was associated with it. I meant to tell her this as admission of guilt to how I felt at the time, but it came out as more of an accusation. I wanted to get it off my chest because it’s best to be honest with friends. I know those feelings were irrational and were never meant to come from a bad place but I know I was in the wrong.

I immediately apologizing as soon as I said what I said because I knew it came out wrong.

She said she wasn’t mad. But she was visibly hurt. She told me that she would choose me over family and that after everything I’ve done for her she’ll never lie to me. I feel like sh*t. Shortly after we hugged and she left, but couldn’t hold it together long enough without me noticing her crying as she walked out.

I don’t know what to do. I’ll give her space because that’s how our friendship is. But I’m afraid I ruined something so good. My inability to think someone so special could treat me well got the best of me and I know I’m wrong for that.

However, we are told to be honest with loved ones and I figured it was good time to get out ahead of it. With the equity each of us have for each other I’m hoping for us to still be cool. But maybe not?

Was I in the wrong for telling her? I don’t think I am in terms of what I meant to do. But I feel like I am in terms of execution and setting of my admission. However, I do understand why she’s disappointed and sad about it. I told her her feelings are valid and if she do don’t want to deal with me anymore I would understand.
 

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You say you were in the wrong but i do not think you were, nor do i think you were wrong in the manner of admission given the circumstance. Clumsiness is a characteristic of alcohol and is very excusable by any reasonable person, let alone a friend. Unless they wish to use a feeble excuse such as this to terminate an already doomed relationship. Despite the lack of tact, the act of being honest and telling the truth is always right. Clearly it was right and necessary for you in that moment to express. Guilt is a deep sinking emotion which can inhibit ones own happiness if not addressed soon, or later can ressurect as low self esteem behaviours which introduce a whole world of wrong thinking about oneself. No one has ever longed for a friendship that isn't true so see this as a test of a true friendship. Is she now able to be here for you as you have been for her? I know you have, as love seeped through this screen as i read.

Sometimes its the force in which things are delivered that can have a short lasting sting. Sometimes even leaving a bruise which is not that much longer lasting than the sting. I feel she obtained a bruise.

Hugs
 

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Discussion Starter #3
You say you were in the wrong but i do not think you were, nor do i think you were wrong in the manner of admission given the circumstance. Clumsiness is a characteristic of alcohol and is very excusable by any reasonable person, let alone a friend. Unless they wish to use a feeble excuse such as this to terminate an already doomed relationship. Despite the lack of tact, the act of being honest and telling the truth is always right. Clearly it was right and necessary for you in that moment to express. Guilt is a deep sinking emotion which can inhibit ones own happiness if not addressed soon, or later can ressurect as low self esteem behaviours which introduce a whole world of wrong thinking about oneself. No one has ever longed for a friendship that isn't true so see this as a test of a true friendship. Is she now able to be here for you as you have been for her? I know you have, as love seeped through this screen as i read.

Sometimes its the force in which things are delivered that can have a short lasting sting. Sometimes even leaving a bruise which is not that much longer lasting than the sting. I feel she obtained a bruise.

Hugs
Well, thanks for the reply!

With that said, I do believe I was still in the wrong because I wasn't giving her the benefit of the doubt that she deserved and was selfishly looking out for myself by trying to control the situation in a way.

Also-one thing I didn't add-is that she had a really bad day up until that point and we were hanging out having a good time. I kinda just thought after something came up that I could smoothly transition to the admission and even be a bit tongue and cheek with it. I have been before with things I've asked her about that I thought were big issues and she didn't.
 

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Well, thanks for the reply!

With that said, I do believe I was still in the wrong because I wasn't giving her the benefit of the doubt that she deserved and was selfishly looking out for myself by trying to control the situation in a way.

Also-one thing I didn't add-is that she had a really bad day up until that point and we were hanging out having a good time. I kinda just thought after something came up that I could smoothly transition to the admission and even be a bit tongue and cheek with it. I have been before with things I've asked her about that I thought were big issues and she didn't.
Since in your view you are still in the wrong find the strength to forgive yourself and let it pass.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Since in your view you are still in the wrong find the strength to forgive yourself and let it pass.
I have.

Good news is that she sent me a couple of funny text yesterday. Today I asked if I could talk to her about what happened and she said I can call her tomorrow to discuss it. So I'm hoping everything works out. She's a real special person to me.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
I have.

Good news is that she sent me a couple of funny text yesterday. Today I asked if I could talk to her about what happened and she said I can call her tomorrow to discuss it. So I'm hoping everything works out. She's a real special person to me.
She hasn't answered my phone call or text asking if we can talk..
 

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Discussion Starter #8 (Edited)
Any luck today?
I haven't tried reaching her yet today.

I'm wondering if she just wants to forget it? Especially since she sent me those silly texts a couple of days ago. But I think it's important that I give her a sincere sober apology regardless. She deserves it. I hope she's not actually blaming herself. She might now believe that I don't see the best in her like a lot of other people in her life does. I want her to know that the moment of distrust is because of MY insecurities and has nothing to do with her as a person. And that the way I brought it up was wrong.

From her point of view I probably sounding condescending and confrontational, when I thought I was being sort of tongue and cheek. I also let her know of another time that I felt insecure about our friendship too, and I questioned her degree of friendship with me. My goal was to be honest, not confrontational 😭.

I don't know if I should sit on it and wait for her to text me? Or just text her my apology? Or text her telling her I understand if she does not want to talk about it?

I feel like the worst person ever right now and because of it I have zero confidence right now on how to proceed with this.
 

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INTJ 5w4 (Sp/Sx) 594
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I haven't tried reaching her yet today.

I'm wondering if she just wants to forget it? Especially since she sent me those silly texts a couple of days ago. But I think it's important that I give her a sincere sober apology regardless. She deserves it. I hope she's not actually blaming herself. She might now believe that I don't see the best in her like a lot of other people in her life does. I want her to know that the moment of distrust is because of MY insecurities and has nothing to do with her as a person. And that the way I brought it up was wrong.

From her point of view I probably sounding condescending and confrontational, when I thought I was being sort of tongue and cheek. I also let her know of another time that I felt insecure about our friendship too, and I questioned her degree of friendship with me. My goal was to be honest, not confrontational 😭.

I don't know if I should sit on it and wait for her to text me? Or just text her my apology? Or text her telling her I understand if she does not want to talk about it?

I feel like the worst person ever right now and because of it I have zero confidence right now on how to proceed with this.
Honestly man, if she doesn’t want to give the issue the time of day. Don’t force it.
It comes across (at least to me) as desperate. Just give her some space.

If it turns out to be an issue she is silently judging you for, it is on her to communicate with you.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Honestly man, if she doesn’t want to give the issue the time of day. Don’t force it.
It comes across (at least to me) as desperate. Just give her some space.

If it turns out to be an issue she is silently judging you for, it is on her to communicate with you.
Yeah, I'll probably just wait for her to contact me next. I usually do that in "normal" situations where I can tell she's withdrawing. I mean, there's been four-to-five separate occasions over the course of our friendship where we haven't contacted each other for weeks. Earlier this year we didn't speak for two months just cause.
 
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