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Hey all,
I've been hovering around these forums for a while and honestly, reading comments from people who so are similar to me is blessing, it truly warms my heart and brings me comfort, as an INFP in the real world. Even just discovering my type has been a blessing, I no longer feel like such an alien or so isolated, I can accept that it's just who I am and I love being me.

I'm a very closeted individual so this is all very new to me, but honestly I really need to get it off my chest and maybe get a response rather than mulling over things on my own.

Let me tell you a little about myself to put things into context. I'm a university student, I study a demanding degree and have high aspirations for myself. I've always been a high flyer as a kid and as the eldest child, always the responsible one with certain expectations held against me.

My peers see me as someone who has it all together, I do my own thing so they see me as self-confident, I enjoy dressing well and playing with makeup whatever time of day, I tend to have good relationships with people and those who only know of me seem to put me on a pedestal. I'm generally calm and a somewhat upright.

But the truth is I don't have it all together and I always feel like I'm grasping at straws. Just walking into a room of people I know causes anxiety, I am aware of every single step I take, I'm holding my breath, my mind is buzzing or numb as I walk up and smile and struggle to hold my composure. I chat away nonsensically but really I want to make for the exit, run home and hide under the covers trying to calm myself down.

Then there are those tasks. I like being involved, being useful, doing things, having a purpose but sometimes this invisible force grips me and I can't, I want to avoid everything, carry on and completely push out of my mind. I put things off and off, go AWOL for a while, avoid messages and calls, until there's a mountain in front of me demanding attention. Then I spend days, weeks mentally preparing myself to tackle it all. I sit down with my heart racing, do all the correspondences etc as fast as I can and eventually shove it away feeling shaky and emotionally drained and then I have to go and give myself some TLC to recover from it.

I tend to get away with this behaviour, manage to do it just in time, make some excuses. But in the end there's always that same panicked feeling that makes me almost nauseous and there fear of what damage I may have caused and what I may have to deal with later.

Then it's gone and I'm a normal functioning adult.

As you can imagine, it is beyond frustrating for me, I don't know how to deal with it, it's scary, upsetting and lonely. I don't really feel able to talk anyone around me about it. It makes me laugh inside to think about telling someone. And I suppose there is also the fear that everything I've built all these years will come crashing down, that image, that confidence I can enjoy in-between, the confidence others have in me, sometimes I feel that the only reason I can rise up and do things is because of the pressure that has always existed for me to do so and I don't want to lose that. I don't want to be weak or pathetic or useless.

I've removed myself from all my friends and peers this year for a breather. I've moved to a different part of the country and have decided to spend a year doing something else. Everything has been fairly calm so far, I like being in a new place, seeing and discovering new things and I like being anonymous. Little things have rocked my boat here and there but nothing major. And then some of those things came tapping me on the back from last year because I hadn't quite managed to wrap it all up properly and suddenly that feeling overcomes me again. :frustrating:

I don't know what I want from this post, I really needed to say all this somewhere, to someone. Maybe there are other people out there who can relate to me and understand, maybe you know how to deal with it effectively, maybe you can get rid of it altogether.

Apologies for the length of this post and if you've made it this far, thank you for spending the time to read this.
 

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I can relate. I get these feelings all the time. There are other people who feel just like you. I feel like the feeling is just getting more and more each day. I try to be positive and then it gets crashed down. For you, I would just stay strong. Atleast your moving around and trying to get some things done. Maybe try some deep breathing, positive thinking, journaling and some meditation. Get out these emotions somehow whether writing them or when the chance is possible try to make a friend, they might understand more than you think, just from a different perspective. They could even help show you a different perspective. I'm sorry if I'm not much help I'm going through same feelings and it's hard to get past it some days.
 
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