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I posted this in the love and relationship section first, but I guess this is more of an INFP specific question :)
So here it is:

This has been in my mind for a little while. I recently broke up with my boyfriend of two years, who I had a very deep meaningful relationship with. Since we broke up I've had a few casual relationships and have mixed feelings about them. They don't necessarily feel meaningless or make me feel cheap/worthless..I feel quite happy thinking about most of my experiences actually. Of course, they were nothing like being in a loving relationship and I feel very empty.

I've heard that most INFP's hate casual sex and get nothing from them, since we're all about intense, deep love. I definitely prefer to be in a meaningful relationship, but those kinds of people only come into your life every once in a while and being sexually active...you can't always wait around :p

Are there any other INFP's or people that know of INFP's with the same experience? It'd be appreciated to hear what anyone has to offer (thoughts, advice or just stories) and to know if there's any happily promiscuous INFP's out there or if we're just better off in relationships :)
 

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I don't hate it, and I don't judge others if that's their thing. I just know myself and know that if I were to have casual sex, it would be more than just casual for me. My feelings become involved. I don't think I'm incapable of it, just think it's unlikely. I've had a one night stand before, but it was with someone I knew a little bit, not a complete stranger, and I wanted to see if I could make it more than just sex (I had always had a crush, and then one drunken evening and a Radiohead concert made the sex magic happen... and she had just gotten out of a nasty marraige with a cheating husband and she wasn't that serious with her boyfriend at the time she was with me too, and just rebounding all over the place she was).

So basically, while I haven't been in a similar experience as you, I have been with a girl who was in a similar emotional state as you and there is nothing wrong with any of it. We all live and experience life at different times and, hey man, do what you do and grow wiser doing it. I do think it would be unhealthy to continue the lifestyle for a prolonged period of time, especially if you weren't upfront with the people you were with and started breaking hearts, and also especially if you started feeling empty and other negative emotions about it.
 

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Eight years ago I had a one night stand with this boy, and it was strange because I thought about my 8th grade literature teacher Mrs. Hopkins the entire time. He played pokemon and liked the Backstreet boys more than Nsync, so of course I thought he was cool. I felt really guilty about it afterwards. Upon reflection, I realized that I shouldn't sleep with people I don't love and understand. Thus began my quest for self enlightenment, and I haven't slept with myself since.
 

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Growing up with a single mother, I think I've been conditioned to feel guilty about wanting to pursue casual sex. I'd say that's changed for me only recently... say in the last 4 or so months. I think I got caught up being infatuated with a girl who was rather socially conservative for quite a long time (no sex til marriage) so I guess I'm pretty late to all of this because I let myself get caught up in that. I see myself as a very repressed socially liberal person in this respect. Having said that, truthfully I don't know how I'd feel about casual flings after a while. My feeling is that I'd start feeling very bad about all of it after a while, but I guess I lack the 'experience' to know for sure :blushed: haha

Putting aside how we may feel or may have been conditioned to feel about casual sex however, I don't think there is really anything wrong with it. It's just two people fulfilling their basic animal needs... it's perfectly human in spite of how some cultures may expect people to abstain, which I feel is asking us to be less-than-human and ashamed of our base-human needs.
 

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I've done it before with someone who I couldn't have a proper relationship with because of different reasons.

Despite what I said, I didn't see it as 'casual' in my mind and it hurt like any other break-up when it inevitably ended.
 

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Well, as a demisexual, my opinions on this probably don't reflect even a minority of other INFPs opinions, but I kind of don't care about sex that much. It doesn't matter when I am in a deep, loving relationship, and it matters even less when I am single. I have urges, yes, but I also have two hands that have been quite proficient in satisfying them... Although I don't know if some people have the urge to have sex with other people, rather than just have sexual release... I suppose many psychological factors are involved that maybe I just lack? idk... I had casual sex once and I wasn't disgusted, but I also didn't enjoy it. It was just bleh. I'd rather watch a movie.
 

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I'm not hot on casual sex; I prefer sex within the context of a more substantial long-term relationship. If I have sex too many times, IMO it would become as mundane as breathing. I don't really want to risk this; I want sex to be a special experience between myself and my girl, not just another one of many nights in the 'sack' where the only thing that matters is the girl's 'performance'.

If other people want to have casual sex, that's their choice - they will ultimately have to deal with the consequences, not me. However, that doesn't mean I have to agree with what they do.
 

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Hmm, I'm surprised that most of these answers only seem to address the physical act.

In a lot of cases you partner might even be a friend or ex, who you already have an emotional connection with. Keep in mind that these relationships could also be fulfilling an emotional need (albeit temporarily) .
 

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I had three sexual partners (including husband). My ISFJ husband had 25+ women he had sex with (we sat down and made a list).

Wow, I don't think I could ever discuss something like that with a girlfriend. I make it quite clear early in relationships that I don't want to talk about about my previous partners and I never want to hear about theirs (I get jealous easily).

That will probably change as I get older, I guess.
 

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I agree. That would make me angry lol but I guess everybody is different.

Wow, I don't think I could ever discuss something like that with a girlfriend. I make it quite clear early in relationships that I don't want to talk about about my previous partners and I never want to hear about theirs (I get jealous easily).

That will probably change as I get older, I guess.
 

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"I recently broke up with my boyfriend.. Since we broke up I've had a few casual relationships.. those kinds of people only come into your life every once in a while and being sexually active...you can't always wait around :p "

I think that some people like me, may be judgmental towards people who have casual sex, but mostly it's because we're jealous.. It has never been easy for me to find casual sex, with anyone...(I can think of two girls total in the last five years I might have been able sleep with) Not to mention with someone I am attracted to. I think for some guys, the chance to even kiss a girl comes once every blue moon, and this is with effort to put yourself out there, make yourself available, and be as attractive as you can. So the first thing that comes to my mind when I hear that someone has been able to have several casual encounters in a short time period is, "dammit I want to do that!"

Women who are good looking can easily get sex. A few of the girls I dated, after we had broken up, were inundated with men eager to get into their bedroom. One enjoyed telling me all about it, and how she was offended that many of my not so-close friends were hitting on her the same week that I left to study abroad. She even found it funny how several of these guys should have known they had little chance with her, yet they tried anyways. While I went single for most of the year and I was out there every weekend trying to meet people, she slept with a few guys she found attractive almost right away, who had pursued her. You've got to understand that for men sex is the end all be all, and even for INFP guys who resent that kind of superficial thinking, we still can't escape from the whole not having sex = you are unwanted equation, and feeling unwanted is a big part of our struggle. We see guys who we are just as good as, sleeping around because of superior social skills and popularity. We also see girls having options in the dating world, especially when it comes to sex, and we get jealous. For us, well, at least for me, sex isn't just an orgasm, it's what girls give men they like, so as you can see it becomes a very personal issue for me.

I know there's gonna be some girls offended, thinking I don't know what I'm talking about because they've had just as hard a time finding someone as I have. I'm not trying to say that girls have it easier finding a good relationship, I don't believe that, but there is no doubt that there is more sex available to the average girl than there is to the average guy. I would love to be able to sleep with girls I find attractive, but 96.73% of the time I can't. When I see people who can, I get jealous and think, "well casual sex is just a bad thing and I don't want it anyways", it helps ease the frustration.. If I could have several girls showing interest in me at the same time, then choose which one I want to take me out and later bring me home, even for just one night, I totally would, it would make me feel a million times more attractive. I might not want to make a habit out of it, but I doubt there's anyone who wouldn't enjoy being seduced after a long spell of loneliness.

It's like this. How many women has your boyfriend had a chance to be with since you broke up? Would he be jealous of your ability to get some lovin' (maybe he's just as attractive and wanted, totally possible, just showing why it might make some jealous and therefore judgmental.) I know a girl who recently got divorced, and slept around quite a bit afterwards because she was so hurt after having a serious relationship that went sour. I don't think her man could have done that even if he wanted to, not on the same scale, not as easily. She broke up with him and had all kinds of attention to fall back on, he didn't, that makes some guys a little resentful of women's power. I think a lot of people who look down on casual sex, hate it because they cannot get it. It's kind of like saying, "being rich is a bad thing and makes you unhappy, and rich people are inherently evil", because you know you will never have that kind of financial security and power to do what you want and you don't enjoy feeling envious. If you didn't care about money you wouldn't at all be offended that some people can throw it away without a worry. This is how I sometimes react to people who get casual sex. You have to experience wanting it for years.. YEARS! And not getting it, to understand why it causes such a reaction. It makes you feel almost inadequate, when someone else gets lucky or has someone to comfort them when they are single, lonely or even just horny, and you couldn't get any if your life depended on it.

WHEW!!!! Okay, done venting, but just trying to honestly tell you guys why some people look negatively at promiscuity, even if they aren't super religious, that they might think it is wrong simply because they haven't been able to or haven't allowed themselves to indulge their own urges and get a little false self-esteem and confidence from actually feeling wanted by the opposite sex. Now on to what my opinion really is, apart from all the resentment I harbor towards attractive women (and successful males). Brutal honesty, I love it #:-0

I don't think all casual sex is bad. While I do think that having sex is more intimate than saying I love you, I don't necessarily think it's wrong to be intimate with someone you're not going to stay intimate with, like bedding the hot foreign exchange student who you know will move away soon but with whom you still want to experience everything that you can. Also, I try not to think of right and wrong when it comes to this stuff, instead, I see it as healthy or as self-destructive. Most of what I am opposed to sexually is stuff that I see as self-destructive. For example, I wouldn't feel ashamed or sinful for doing a bunch of cocaine tonight and trashing a hotel room with a buddy who felt like wasting a bunch of money, but I certainly would worry about it being self-destructive. And even though it may be an innocent exploration one night, I know that it's exactly what leads to people doing it every night.

So when someone tells me how awesome it was going to a prostitute or joining in on group sex at a party, or even having hot, hot sex with someone they met just hours before, to me it sounds like someone doing a bunch of cocaine and then telling me what a great idea it was. It's dangerous, it's not something I would want someone I care about to do, it's not something I would do if I wanted to be healthy and happy. A big issue here is that I make a distinction between the things I want and the things I need, they are often diametrically opposed.. Once or twice letting yourself have fun doesn't seem that bad to me, but doing it on a regular and telling me that it's okay because it feels good and no one gets hurt, I just don't believe it. I know very few promiscuous people who haven't had serious consequences, emotional or otherwise, from sleeping with the wrong person.

And that's really what I'm getting at; sleeping with the right person without wanting a relationship, that's seems perfectly fine to me, sleeping with the wrong person while pretending it doesn't mean anything and can't do any harm.. I think that is destructive. And how can you know it's the right person? I am of the opinion that we are less in control of our emotions, impulses and visceral reactions when it comes to sex than we would like to think. How many examples can you think of where sex lead to people being severely unhappy and bitter, and it was only after it happened that they even realized it could be that bad..

For me, one of the biggest problems that people my age seem to have, is having unintended kids. It happens more often than it should, doesn't it? Even when you do things the 'right way', you are still running the risk of having a kid, and I think a healthy question to ask with any partner is, what is it gonna be like for the child if we end up having one together? That right there is enough for me to seriously limit who I get intimate with. More commonly, the issue that makes me have such strong opinions about it all, is the emotional aspect. Maybe others who are much more secure about themselves and less needy as far as outside approval don't react the same as I do, but sleeping with someone and then being betrayed or even seeing them with someone else when we have separated in the best way possible can be extremely painful for me.

When I attempted suicide, my ex-girlfriend was with someone she didn't seem to like very much. They kept breaking up then getting back together, getting into fights, and the only time they really spent together was in bed. Her friends kept coming to me telling me how unhappy she was, how they had just broken up and that I should get back together with her. I was very lonely at the time, and was still in love with her. When I realized how little she actually liked this guy, it made me feel sick to my stomach, like what we had together was cheapened, and that the girl I loved was being used by someone else. In the end it was my own problems that caused me so much pain, but I rarely get that close to someone, and when I do it can be a tremendous source of turmoil if it goes bad.

I feel like it's an almost untold aspect of sex. Everyone loves to talk about how great the act is, no one seems to advertise how horrible it can be when you become attached to the person you love in the most intimate way, and they do the same to someone else. I know way too many examples of people being absolutely miserable and doing the most destructive and unhealthy things over sex, and this is even when people had the best intentions in the beginning and it just didn't work out. I think sex is great, but only when it is with someone I can trust, I really like (I'm not going to hurt later on), and who wants the same thing as I do. When it is treated as something that isn't intimate, kind of like eating a really good piece of cake that's a little fattening but otherwise harmless, that's when I assume that it gets dangerous and can become a huge mistake.

Maybe other people just don't take relationships as seriously as I do. Maybe they don't feel the same connection and attachment I do when they sleep with someone. I think just the way I have sex is different from some people, anyone I am with definitely finds out just how much I care for them, it is not just a lustful exercise. I don't like the idea of 'fucking'. To me it seems a perversion of what sex is truly for. And believe me, there are people who run into problems when they settle down with one woman and try to continue having the same kinds of sex they had when they were just horny, it doesn't always fit nicely into a loving, respectful relationship. But hey, maybe I am just scared of the whole thing and find comfort in assuming that everyone who sleeps with whoever is hot is making a mistake. But I know that even if I did have the chance to sleep with whomever, whenever, for the most part, maybe I would prefer to save it only for women that I am in love with. I hope nuthin I've said is offensive, and that I don't come off as a judgmental jerk, if I do it is probably because I am, and I need to work on my own insecurities and prejudices. But for me, sex, even casual sex, it is a BIG f'ing deal, and has the potential to make me just as miserable and hurt as it does to bring me close to someone I love.
 

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I sound like an ass. I don't judge people who sleep around unless they are someone I want to date, then I'm just jealous they have more experience than I do and have explored it while I have not. But I didn't mean to say I think people who have casual sex are making a mistake. Also, sorry for taking over the thread I rant a lot...
 

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I didn't lose my virginity till I was 20... And I'm getting married to the only man I've ever slept with (I'm almost 24, omfggg). Not that I was like, saving myself for marriage or anything, obviously, but it's just something I don't take lightly. It's also not something I crave enough to seek from casual relationships. I mean, I don't want to risk being too TMI... But I can take care of myself.

I find much more pleasure in emotional, and intellectual relationships than anything based purely on sex. For me sex is also a risky business... What if I get pregnant? Do we have a mutual understanding of what happens then? What about STDs, etc., yeah. It's just not worth it to me in the long run to casually sleep with people.

Though, feeling empty after sex is not a good thing. It should fulfill you, not bring you down. :(
 

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Can INFPs have casual sex?

I don't think I really can... physically, yes, but not emotionally. I prefer to fulfill my own needs if there's no emotional connection, but when I'm in caught up in the moment... sometimes my senses take over my reasoning. I'll literally just say "fuck it" and convince myself that I can and follow my impulses. But the emotional aftermath really isn't worth it for me.

Last time I tried, I felt extremely empty/sad/sick afterwards, even though physically it was passionate and enjoyable and everything that it was supposed to be. I can get into the physical act just fine. I tend to lose myself in the moment and my brain turns off for a while. I really like the sex... but it's the reflecting and overanalyzing afterwards that makes me feel terrible.

I feel more this way about men than with women, because with women there's usually an emotional connection formed before intimacy ever occurs. I think I define my sexuality as pandemisexual.

When leaving someone's place I usually feel: 40% empty, 30% satisfied, 20% dirty, and 10% ready for bed.

And then I go home and I usually end up drinking alone heavily... to get rid of their taste, my thoughts, my emptiness... and I often end up crying and feeling hopeless about ever meeting someone that I can truly love. It's always emotionally destructive and it leaves me hyperaware of how empty I feel inside and how difficult it is for me to form intimate attachments with other people. Also, I can never stick around because I emotionally "freeze up" inside immediately afterwards. I shut down completely. And I suddenly need to run and hide and be all alone, as my thoughts/feelings begin to sink in about what I've done... I can never stay because it's like all of a sudden I become hyperaware of how out of place I feel in their presence. I turn cold and purposely sabatoge any chances of ever seeing them again and leave. It's like an automatic switch that I can't control, because it intuitively feels wrong to be there. And it's confusing and impossible to explain to other people, so why even bother? I just leave at this point.

So I try to avoid "casual sex". It's like fucking a void.
 

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@AllorNuthin, I mean no disrespect, but I feel you must learn to let go of that jealosy of yours. It won't do you any good in the long run.

-"Attractive" women don't have sex all the time just because they are "attractive." Ditto for the men. "Attractive" people are individuals just like you, and contrary to what some seem to belief, can be perfectly wonderful individuals (not that casual sex makes people less-than-wonderful people.)

-Some "pretty" people can be as lonely as the less "pretty" individuals. They don't have it as "easy" as you believe, and again, why must they seek casual sex just because they are "attractive"?

-Some supposedly "unattractive" people can be really crummy individuals with horrible character and personal values.

In short, there's a false dichotomy in your mind regarding "beautiful" individuals vs "ordinary" people. They are all one and the same_all different and allowed to be themselves. "Attractive" people are not more inclined to have lots of sex just because of their supposed "attractiveness", nor are "ordinary-looking" folks neccesarily "sexually deprived". "Pretty" vs "normal" is not fair, because whether it is because of jealosy or other reasons, you are unfairly putting certain people all in the same basket, not giving them a chance to know them FIRST as individuals, which is all they are.

I bear you no ill will, and I am sure you'll understand why I decided to reply to your post-take care.
 

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Well -- I know some 'hideous' (in every sense of the word) people who know how to get laid whenever and wherever they choose. Would I choose to sleep with them? Oh heck -- no! I'd rather jump off a cliff and/or castrate myself.

I'd rather not have casual sex, simply because I don't find it that interesting and I'm more interested in having a serious long-term relationship with a person.
 
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