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Are you comfortable asking for things? Things meaning: material stuff, favors, any kind of help...
Do you even believe you need anything from anyone?

This question came to mind today after feeling veeeeery exhausted with both sides of my family (the "other side" includes all of my in-laws). I know both sides of my family appreciate me, which I have to keep in mind in order to keep my patience, but I get irritated when every person tells me 10 times "If you need anything, call me". I always reply "Oh thank you so much, but I don't need anything". Then they say it again 15 minutes later "But if you need anything, call me, you never call me, and I'm here", and again I reply "Thank you so much, but I honestly don't need anything". On any given day I find 5 missed calls from my ISFJ mother-in-law, 2-3 missed calls from my ENFJ brother-in-law, and like 10 missed calls from my parents (my father is a very needy ISFJ, drives me crazy). Seeing all of this, and having to call everyone back out of politeness, and yet again having pointless conversations about nothing, and again the "Please call me if you need anything, I'm right here" and again me with me "Thank you, but I don't need anything". And then my mother-in-law poor thing calls my husband and their conversations end with "If entheos needs anything, tell her to call me or your dad, we'll be there" and my husband again "Okay, thank you, she says she doesn't need anything, plus I'm right here mom, she'd call me, not you". Exactly, when I need anything I call my husband, not his entourage or my family :/

The only things I feel comfortable asking for are advice and/or opinions, and information. Information in the sense of... if I have something burocratic coming up (paperwork I've never done before, or strange bills I've never dealt with before) or if I must go somewhere and I don't know where it is, I'll ask for directions.
As for advice and opinions, it is very rare that I ask with the intention of following the advice. Usually I don't. I'm just interested in human minds in general, so I just enjoy getting to know people a bit deeper by asking their opinion on things.

Is this an INFP thing? :p or is it my upbringing. I could go into my unbringing and how I was raised to be 100% independent, and every time you asked for something there were ugly consequences. But that's just a story. Maybe there's certain personalities more inclined to be independent, to their own detriment sometimes...? Honestly I even feel guilty if anybody wants to help me with anything. My ENFJ brother-in-law who is an accountant wanted to do my taxes earlier this year and I felt so so so guilty I couldn't let him, and I realized how insane I was because I'm 100% terrible at taxes, but I had this battle inside me that it would be a chore for him, when in fact he's the one who called me to do them for me. Sometimes I need a car ride somewhere and my mom will offer, and I feel sooooo bad I tell her no, and I take public transport. The few times when I do accept help against my wishes, I feel terrible inside.
And the thing is, for some reason, 99.9% of the time I truly am convinced that I don't need anything from anyone.

How about you INFPs?
 

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Just about never.

Not only do I prefer to figure out things on my own, but, I research my own answers on Google.

My history includes the following: the one time I asked for help from someone, or asked a question -- the answer back from them, was so PISS POOR, I actually became bitter about it.

Hmm, I do ask husband for help with stuff quite often. This might seem weird but he seems to like it, being of service or helpful. He tests as an ISFJ. Maybe I adjust to meet his needs.

But for the most part, I would rather not ask others for anything.

Not only do I hate asking other people questions, but I usually hate when they ask ME questions or ask for help. I made this thread on it:

 

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Are you comfortable asking for things? Things meaning: material stuff, favors, any kind of help...
Do you even believe you need anything from anyone?

This question came to mind today after feeling veeeeery exhausted with both sides of my family (the "other side" includes all of my in-laws). I know both sides of my family appreciate me, which I have to keep in mind in order to keep my patience, but I get irritated when every person tells me 10 times "If you need anything, call me". I always reply "Oh thank you so much, but I don't need anything". Then they say it again 15 minutes later "But if you need anything, call me, you never call me, and I'm here", and again I reply "Thank you so much, but I honestly don't need anything". On any given day I find 5 missed calls from my ISFJ mother-in-law, 2-3 missed calls from my ENFJ brother-in-law, and like 10 missed calls from my parents (my father is a very needy ISFJ, drives me crazy). Seeing all of this, and having to call everyone back out of politeness, and yet again having pointless conversations about nothing, and again the "Please call me if you need anything, I'm right here" and again me with me "Thank you, but I don't need anything". And then my mother-in-law poor thing calls my husband and their conversations end with "If entheos needs anything, tell her to call me or your dad, we'll be there" and my husband again "Okay, thank you, she says she doesn't need anything, plus I'm right here mom, she'd call me, not you". Exactly, when I need anything I call my husband, not his entourage or my family :/

The only things I feel comfortable asking for are advice and/or opinions, and information. Information in the sense of... if I have something burocratic coming up (paperwork I've never done before, or strange bills I've never dealt with before) or if I must go somewhere and I don't know where it is, I'll ask for directions.
As for advice and opinions, it is very rare that I ask with the intention of following the advice. Usually I don't. I'm just interested in human minds in general, so I just enjoy getting to know people a bit deeper by asking their opinion on things.

Is this an INFP thing? :p or is it my upbringing. I could go into my unbringing and how I was raised to be 100% independent, and every time you asked for something there were ugly consequences. But that's just a story. Maybe there's certain personalities more inclined to be independent, to their own detriment sometimes...? Honestly I even feel guilty if anybody wants to help me with anything. My ENFJ brother-in-law who is an accountant wanted to do my taxes earlier this year and I felt so so so guilty I couldn't let him, and I realized how insane I was because I'm 100% terrible at taxes, but I had this battle inside me that it would be a chore for him, when in fact he's the one who called me to do them for me. Sometimes I need a car ride somewhere and my mom will offer, and I feel sooooo bad I tell her no, and I take public transport. The few times when I do accept help against my wishes, I feel terrible inside.
And the thing is, for some reason, 99.9% of the time I truly am convinced that I don't need anything from anyone.

How about you INFPs?
I don't tend to call people or I should say I haven't been one to call people just to keep in touch.

The people you describe sound to me like they would just appreciate you doing that.

Now, more recently, I have been confined to my house both because of covid but mainly because I have issues with my legs where I have been using a wheelchair at home to get around. A couple of closer friends (as it turns out) have shown concern and made it a point to call me once in awhile to see how I'm doing and also to pick up my spirits.

The thing I've learned is that checking in has the effect of making life more worth living. I went from being depressed to being more confident in talking to others on the phone. Also, my INFP mind gets to replay the conversations and reconsider things I've talked about with others ( and you know how easily we do that kind of ruminating).

I've learned that people need to hear from each other and to develop close trusting communication with someone to maintain a better mental health.

I'm recommending that you follow up on developing more relationships over the phone. It's actually more comfortable than in person because there is no down time to cover. If the conversation seems to be slowing down just rap it up with some reassuring words like "Great to talk to you" and so forth.
 

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Yeah i do, or i have done, though its not someting i make a habit ov or do often.
Usaully it consists ov blagging a lift somewhere off a friend as i dont drive myself.

I did ask a strange favour a short while ago, off a complete stranger to which they gracefully helped, but i cant go into that lol.

Cant say its something i have a problem with. If im in a pickle, or need help with something, more often than not i will ask for a hand, and i like to think id do the same... though is that the same as asking for a favour ? Hmm
 

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Congratulations on your wedding (I don't know when you got married, but I remember you posting here years ago before then, how exciting!)

But I tend to feel very uncomfortable asking for things, sometimes it is unhealthy. What you describe sounds healthier to me though--like you just don't need anything and perhaps the in-laws are trying to find ways to socially engage with you and you're an introvert.

But I try to be independent, and I find I often don't ask for things even when I need help--which I don't really think is that great or healthy, and it can actually sabotage my independence. I find it easier to ask for things when I feel it will make the other person happy, like they will feel useful or like they gave something. Because I sometimes like to feel useful.

For me it probably is related to upbringing.

And for myself, it is healthier to allow people to help me and to even ask for help sometimes.

I just thought of this song, which I think is really beautiful, but also very foreign to how I was raised. I think it's a great message though, because everyone is really interdependent and asking for help (or accepting it) can sometimes make you stronger, as can helping others and offering help (can make communities, people etc. stronger)

 

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I often feel like I would be inconveniencing or troubling others, so a lot of times I don't go to them for anything. Unless I was really clueless, upset, or in need of something, then I might just ask.
 

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I'm bad at asking for help...

The first battle is figuring out what I even need. I don't like to need things. The second battle is choosing the right person. I don't trust just anyone. If I get let down in my request, I have to clean it up myself. But if I make my request in a way that outlines the precise specifications, I'm being a control freak. Or the person won't understand, and I'll basically have to do it myself because I'll be helping them. I'm getting better with collaborating at work, but not in my personal life.
 

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Interesting. My mom is like you, but I have no trouble asking for things. However if people were offering help that persistently I think I'd feel like they were trying to hint to me that I look rundown or that have some problem that they don't think I'm handling and I'd become tempted to snippishly reply 'Okay what do you think I need help with so badly?' Sometimes offering help is a polite nudge for you to do something, not everyone does this but I've noticed the tactic in some people.

Now as for me not minding asking for help, I guess I was brought up with people willing to help and willing to ask. I guess it just seems natural, like what you do, what everyone is here for - to help each other. I don't generally feel upset by someone asking me for something so why would I assume they would feel bothered by it? I don't feel guilty asking for help or letting people know I want things because sometimes I've been the person wanting to do something for someone, wanting to show I care and then being turned down and not given the chance to do something nice. It can feel frustrating and disappointing and like the other person doesn't want to further our relationship. So giving someone the chance to do a good deed is kind of like a gift in itself, at least it can feel like it when you're the one who desperately wants to show you care. Sometimes asking for help even when you Could do something by yourself creates a chance to connect with someone, to talk while you're working together or just to give them a glimpse of your life - what you're up to, how you feel etc. Of course like you say, it makes sense to go to your spouse first.

I'm definitely used to needing help anyways and I don't usually feel terrible for it unless I need it because I was not doing what I should have been and I'm feeling bad about my procratination or whatever caused the problem, OR when I find myself having to ask someone who I know is already stressed or sick or tired or busy and I don't want to overwhelm them - but I don't assume my asking is overwhelming most of the time. I guess it makes sense to me if you don't like helping others then you wouldn't want to make them feel that way, but if you generally like to help then why wouldn't others also not mind it when asked?

Of course I'll consider how close I am with the person and how much of a bother I think the request is, or whether it will be easy or hard for that person specifically. I don't think twice about asking someone who's going into the kitchen to turn on my tea kettle while they're in there instead of walking over and doing it myself, but if I was asking them to take time away from what they need to do or asking for something difficult I might feel a little worried about being a nuisance.
 
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