[slownumbers]

I recently went through a breakup, and noticed that when breaking up with someone I usually feel a strong sense of guilt. I feel guilty for hurting the other person's feelings (although not directly, just a result of discontinuing the relationship). I feel guilty for not breaking up as best as I possibly could, etc.

I was wondering if this was a personality type thing or just a general breaking up thing?

 

[Teigue]

I too feel guilty when breaking up with other people, I think it is a natural emotion to be felt at such times.

 

[ptarmigan]

It is more merciful for both to break up with them than marry them and not love them. The only time I broke up with someone, I felt just that things were taking their right course. It is crushing to be broken up with, but I have been much stronger for it and sincerely believed she would be stronger for it too. Perhaps describing the situation in more detail would shine some light on it?

 

[Rusalka]

It is the logical thing to do, and yet, it hurts so much, because feelings are such intangible and ephemeral things. I hate to consciously make decisions based on feelings, because I find them unreliable, as I, being an INFP, can over-analyze everything I feel or think until it becomes a nonobjective piece of mush that is useless to me. They, again, are also so ephemeral and evanescent that it's really hard to catch and cage that essence and feel it consistently for a long time. When you make the final decision on whether to break up with that person or not, it may not be the right decision to make, because there are so many different shades of feeling, and feelings change over time.

The feeling of love to me is like water: you can't hold it in your hands, and the harder you try to keep that feeling, the faster it will silently slip through your fingers until you can't feel it anymore,

Sorry for that rant. Guilt is pretty normal to feel, too. I particularly felt nothing but guilt at my inability to return affection so easily and plentifully given to me, and infinite depression and sadness at how everything, even the purest of things, can come to an end and leave two people, once so happy, so incredibly bitter.

 

[Lad]

Eh, not really.

I usually think it over 2 weeks or so before I do it and make sure I'm not just being silly. By breakup time I can be gentle, but firm. I've noticed if you leave remnants for hope that you might be together in the future then you end up hurting them so much more.

Now if someone broke up with ME then I'd feel guilty as it means I didn't satisfy their needs. Fortunately, that hasn't happened yet.......... dun dun dun.

 

[crazypenguin26]

I don't know if it's a general breaking up thing or a personality thing, but the one time I broke up with someone I felt really guilty about it. I felt bad for hurting him. I tried to figure out the best way possible to do it, but I'm not sure if I did, though really there is no good way to break up with someone. but yeah, it sucked and I did feel guilty.

 

[Rogue Eagle]

please break up with me first.

 

[obz900]

I wouldn't know. I've only ever been broken up with. It's always me that ends up with the broken heart.

 

[Ectoplasm]

I break up with people before the relationship even begins or is even conceived of by the other person. In my heart I don't feel or haven't felt true love - the supposed ineffable and undoubtable feeling people have claimed to felt and know what is when it happens.
Part of me thinks of it as all a game, that I'm ultimately using this other person as nothing but practice for the supposed real on to begin. I can imagine them trying so hard to make it work yet I'm more interested in a solitary journey to a life of fulfilment and truth, an idea I'm not ready to give up and one which will involve me cutting myself loose. Maybe love is a novelty to me and I don't want to treat lovely and kind hearted people as novelties.

Not just that, but as my contemporaries age with me, the easy attraction of the teenage years fade. I become older and must spend expontentially more emotional energy so women will be attracted to me, all so I can feel better in the short term and often regret doing so in the long term.

So I would feel more guilty being in a relationship with someone who was more of a "what if" about whether it would work or not so I avoid it. I know its a self-defeating attitude because I take no chances here but I don't enjoy gambling freely with other people's happiness or peace of mind.

 

[Schnue]

I've never been in a relationship and I recently realised that I truly like being alone like this.

I have been on one date though. I called him a few hours afterwards and told him I wasn't comfortable with the situation (age difference)... and it did make me feel horrible and guilty. I passively turned down his advances afterwards and even apologised for acting like a dick by saying no, though logically I knew I had every right to say no. So in response to the question- yes.

 

[itrick]

As a type we naturally avoid conflict, because I think we don't like making others feel bad. Actually this may be short-term thinking, we're only dealing with the feelings of the present and not thinking of the feelings of the future. Interesting notion that.

Anyway in the long run, break-ups are usually for the best. If two people were meant to be together then they will be together, but trying to salvage a relationship that isn't supposed to happen is a recipe for miserable people.

Perhaps we INFP need to think of conflict in terms of short term versus long term sometimes.

 

[Rogue Eagle]

The last girl I broke up with I feel a bit guilty for. She did do a lot for me, and I saw that she was really trying to make it work.
But I just didn't have the energy for it at the time and didn't see a future in it.

 

[infpblog]

Back in my early 20's, I was just a terrible boyfriend. I was uncommunicative and very closed off. So I never broke up with anyone because eventually my girlfriends would break up with me. Looking back at it now, I realize that I was being passive aggressive. I wasn't mean or anything, but I was distant. I figured if they broke up with me, it would be easier for them because I was never very emotionally invested in my relationships back then.

I think the guilt comes from INFP empathy. It's not we feel guilty about ending bad relationships. We just don't like making other people feel bad.

 

[Scarlet Winter]

No, I haven't felt guilty because when I am in a relationship I give 110% (not my own thought, be told that by many observers). So when it's gotten to that point I've been run over so much that I think he's the Devil and he's got it coming. I've actually never been with a nice guy. Next time I'll be with a sweetheart and I really don't think I could walk away from a nice guy I commited to.

 

[Blackbird]

It is the logical thing to do, and yet, it hurts so much, because feelings are such intangible and ephemeral things. I hate to consciously make decisions based on feelings, because I find them unreliable, as I, being an INFP, can over-analyze everything I feel or think until it becomes a nonobjective piece of mush that is useless to me. They, again, are also so ephemeral and evanescent that it's really hard to catch and cage that essence and feel it consistently for a long time. When you make the final decision on whether to break up with that person or not, it may not be the right decision to make, because there are so many different shades of feeling, and feelings change over time.

The feeling of love to me is like water: you can't hold it in your hands, and the harder you try to keep that feeling, the faster it will silently slip through your fingers until you can't feel it anymore,

Sorry for that rant. Guilt is pretty normal to feel, too. I particularly felt nothing but guilt at my inability to return affection so easily and plentifully given to me, and infinite depression and sadness at how everything, even the purest of things, can come to an end and leave two people, once so happy, so incredibly bitter.

Just wanted to say that this is beautiful and I'm so glad I'm not alone.

 

[cappuccinocool]

Yes..its a tough pill to swallow for both parties.

 

[bluemaverick]

The one time I actually had to do it, I felt HORRIBLE. Months and months on end.
As someone who's been dumped most of the time, it sucked to do it.
Sometimes people don't work together and we have to accept it. Not accepting it leads to bad things.
Was it right? Yes.
Does it still hurt me inside now and again? Yes, but a little less each day.

 

[Rusalka]

Just wanted to say that this is beautiful and I'm so glad I'm not alone.

Glad to see I'm not alone in my thinking.

 

[Little Frog]

Yes.
But I also feel guilty for way less than that :S

 

[Stillwater]

I even feel terribly guilty for not being attracted to someone who has expressed interest and attraction to me, how crazy it that? haha