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Two days ago, I went to eat dim sum/yum cha with my family at a Chinese restaurant. We live in Asia (Singapore to be specific) so it's a lot more specialised to Chinese tradition than it probably would be in other countries like America. So I was very surprised to see a Eurasian waiter there.

I was charmed when he served us, poured tea for me, smiled at me. It was the whole pleasant surprise element that kept me thinking about him. I won't lie, I get infatuated very quickly and I make up a lot of dream scenarios in my head where the most perfect love story happens.

So today I decided that I was going to go back, on the guise of having lost my water bottle and asking if anyone at the restaurant found it there. (I really did lose my bottle, by the way. Quite upset about it too.) Kinda like a last-ditch effort to see him again, and to see if he wanted to see me again.

While walking to the restaurant, I was even talking to myself in my head - am I really going to do this? This is stupid, no I'm already here, I have nothing to lose, just going to take a chance bla bla bla - so it was very anti-climactic when I was answered by some other staff and I turned away quickly, probably out of nerves. I didn't even get to see him.

Right from the start, I'd already known that I wasn't expecting anything. Or at least I thought I knew so. That's why I was surprised by how down I was about it. I keep thinking about how it might just have turned out differently, and I could have seen him, if I'd just gone half an hour later, or an hour later, or simply just not have been a coward and directly asked for him. Eventually it progressed from being sad about probably not being able to see him again (unless he happens to be working there long-term) to me thinking about the death of my dreams.

I think a lot about my future perfect relationship, and even though 99% of me knows how stupid it is to do so, 1% of me (or more) still clings on to it.

It's been a long time since I've done something impulsive like this for a boy. My last relationship ended in November 2011, in which I bought a DSLR for my boyfriend. How very stupid, looking back on how terrible the relationship was. Because I'd made a personal and religious commitment to not date anymore until I turn 18 (which commences in December this year) I suppose I'd just forgotten how much I'd do for a boy in the rush of infatuation.

I say infatuation because I know it's not love.

It's been about an hour since I left the restaurant. I keep chastising myself, constantly repeating to myself what Miss Kenton, in The Remains of the Day by Kazuo Ishiguro, (my Literature text for 'A' levels) says:

"She's bound to be let down. So foolish."

I don't really know what I'm asking. But I suppose, you guys being intuitive and empathetic, would easily be able to respond according to what you want to say, even without a direct question.
 

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try not to be so hard on yourself, it only serves to hurt us further when we indulge in negative self-talk

i think sometimes its good to act on an impulse you have, if it is so strong that you feel you have to

the waiter might have been flattered and have been happy to go out for coffee with you, but unless you ask you will never know

theres a thing in the pick up community where if you make eye contact with someone you want to talk to, approach them within 3 seconds of eye contact, in order to not give yourself a chance to talk yourself out of it. and it makes it seem less creepy than waiting hours before talking to the person. also less time to idealise

ive done something similar to you kind of, i went to American apparel once and the girl that was behind the counter said "what you you doing tonight?" and retrospectively i see that as simply someone trying to be nice for their job. but when i left the store i kind of thought maybe she was interested in me or something, and i thought she was cute. so the next day i went to the store and she wasn't working, so i asked someone from the staff when she was working next (seems so creepy i know, but i think the ppl working there thought it was romantic), so i went the next day when she was working, and i talked to her and she said she was flattered and that she was impressed by how brave i was doing what i did, but that she's in a relationship, and i kind of think that if she wasn't, it seemed that she would have gone out for a date with me. it felt really awesome doing that, even if i kind of misread her niceness initially, it felt good to put myself out there, and she was really cool about it as well.
 

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Two days ago, I went to eat dim sum/yum cha with my family at a Chinese restaurant. We live in Asia (Singapore to be specific) so it's a lot more specialised to Chinese tradition than it probably would be in other countries like America. So I was very surprised to see a Eurasian waiter there.

I was charmed when he served us, poured tea for me, smiled at me. It was the whole pleasant surprise element that kept me thinking about him. I won't lie, I get infatuated very quickly and I make up a lot of dream scenarios in my head where the most perfect love story happens.

So today I decided that I was going to go back, on the guise of having lost my water bottle and asking if anyone at the restaurant found it there. (I really did lose my bottle, by the way. Quite upset about it too.) Kinda like a last-ditch effort to see him again, and to see if he wanted to see me again.

While walking to the restaurant, I was even talking to myself in my head - am I really going to do this? This is stupid, no I'm already here, I have nothing to lose, just going to take a chance bla bla bla - so it was very anti-climactic when I was answered by some other staff and I turned away quickly, probably out of nerves. I didn't even get to see him.

Right from the start, I'd already known that I wasn't expecting anything. Or at least I thought I knew so. That's why I was surprised by how down I was about it. I keep thinking about how it might just have turned out differently, and I could have seen him, if I'd just gone half an hour later, or an hour later, or simply just not have been a coward and directly asked for him. Eventually it progressed from being sad about probably not being able to see him again (unless he happens to be working there long-term) to me thinking about the death of my dreams.

I think a lot about my future perfect relationship, and even though 99% of me knows how stupid it is to do so, 1% of me (or more) still clings on to it.

It's been a long time since I've done something impulsive like this for a boy. My last relationship ended in November 2011, in which I bought a DSLR for my boyfriend. How very stupid, looking back on how terrible the relationship was. Because I'd made a personal and religious commitment to not date anymore until I turn 18 (which commences in December this year) I suppose I'd just forgotten how much I'd do for a boy in the rush of infatuation.

I say infatuation because I know it's not love.

It's been about an hour since I left the restaurant. I keep chastising myself, constantly repeating to myself what Miss Kenton, in The Remains of the Day by Kazuo Ishiguro, (my Literature text for 'A' levels) says:

"She's bound to be let down. So foolish."

I don't really know what I'm asking. But I suppose, you guys being intuitive and empathetic, would easily be able to respond according to what you want to say, even without a direct question.
If your birthday is in December are you Sagittarius?
I'm Sagittarius and I would have done something like this when I was young and very inexperienced at relationships.
It's one of those things you'll just always wonder why you did it and be relieved later in life to know you outgrew that kind of thing.
The true relationship starts out as friendship and gradually becomes more over time.

Instant infatuations like this never have any substance to them and aren't worth pursuing.

Water bottles, however, are a worthwhile investment and well worth pursuing.
 

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If your birthday is in December are you Sagittarius?
I'm Sagittarius and I would have done something like this when I was young and very inexperienced at relationships.
It's one of those things you'll just always wonder why you did it and be relieved later in life to know you outgrew that kind of thing.
The true relationship starts out as friendship and gradually becomes more over time.

Instant infatuations like this never have any substance to them and aren't worth pursuing.

Water bottles, however, are a worthwhile investment and well worth pursuing.
I'm a Sagittarian too, and yes, I'm totally agree with you.
 

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The problem is a lack of connection to reality. Ultimately everything between you and this waiter is in your head. You know this, obviously, because you're not stupid, but sometimes what you know and what you feel is different. A particular INFP problem is being disappointed and hurt when fantasies and ideals don't match up with reality. If you're anything like me, maybe before you went back to look for your water bottle, you imagined the conversation you'd have with him, and it was perfect. When it didn't happen, it was frustrating. You just have to remind yourself to be more realistic really, but also to not get frustrated with yourself when you're not. Being aware of your nature will help you be less trouble by it and will put you more in control.

If you want to pursue this and ask him for coffee, remember there's no reason for him to say yes. But there's also no reason for him to say no! Also he's a complete stranger so you really have nothing to lose. Taking action definitely will let you down sometimes, but it also can surprise you and lead to amazing things. If you don't take action, that can still disappoint you... but it won't ever lead to amazing things. Kind of like the quote "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take" :p It's basic sense, but sometimes you really have to remind yourself of these things.

In the meantime, I suggest you get out more and meet more people. It helps to protect against getting these spontaneous, irrational crushes and will link you more to reality when you form real connections.

(Unrelated, but you're very eloquent. I enjoyed reading your post.)
 

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Discussion Starter #6
@mysterie

try not to be so hard on yourself, it only serves to hurt us further when we indulge in negative self-talk

i think sometimes its good to act on an impulse you have, if it is so strong that you feel you have to

the waiter might have been flattered and have been happy to go out for coffee with you, but unless you ask you will never know

theres a thing in the pick up community where if you make eye contact with someone you want to talk to, approach them within 3 seconds of eye contact, in order to not give yourself a chance to talk yourself out of it. and it makes it seem less creepy than waiting hours before talking to the person. also less time to idealise

ive done something similar to you kind of, i went to American apparel once and the girl that was behind the counter said "what you you doing tonight?" and retrospectively i see that as simply someone trying to be nice for their job. but when i left the store i kind of thought maybe she was interested in me or something, and i thought she was cute. so the next day i went to the store and she wasn't working, so i asked someone from the staff when she was working next (seems so creepy i know, but i think the ppl working there thought it was romantic), so i went the next day when she was working, and i talked to her and she said she was flattered and that she was impressed by how brave i was doing what i did, but that she's in a relationship, and i kind of think that if she wasn't, it seemed that she would have gone out for a date with me. it felt really awesome doing that, even if i kind of misread her niceness initially, it felt good to put myself out there, and she was really cool about it as well.
Oh yes I've heard of that pick-up rule before. It makes a lot of sense but my shy nature decrees it difficult to follow in the moment. Also, I get occasional bursts of bravery and 'extroversion', if you know what I mean, but I think my idealising about it makes it a bit awkward, since I've worked out what I want to say and how the conversation should follow lol.

But your story about how you approached the salesgirl is so sweet, it made me happy :proud: and it's nice that you're not embittered by it either! I hope you find a lovely girl :tongue:
 

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Discussion Starter #7
@UpClosePersonal

If your birthday is in December are you Sagittarius?
I'm Sagittarius and I would have done something like this when I was young and very inexperienced at relationships.
It's one of those things you'll just always wonder why you did it and be relieved later in life to know you outgrew that kind of thing.
The true relationship starts out as friendship and gradually becomes more over time.

Instant infatuations like this never have any substance to them and aren't worth pursuing.

Water bottles, however, are a worthwhile investment and well worth pursuing.
I am indeed a Sagittarius! I never thought about astrology as some sort of influencing factor though :eek: in fact I didn't even know anyone here at PerC was interested in astrology! You are literally my first brush with it outside generic magazine horoscopes.

Also, your last line made me laugh.
 

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Discussion Starter #8
The problem is a lack of connection to reality. Ultimately everything between you and this waiter is in your head. You know this, obviously, because you're not stupid, but sometimes what you know and what you feel is different. A particular INFP problem is being disappointed and hurt when fantasies and ideals don't match up with reality. If you're anything like me, maybe before you went back to look for your water bottle, you imagined the conversation you'd have with him, and it was perfect. When it didn't happen, it was frustrating. You just have to remind yourself to be more realistic really, but also to not get frustrated with yourself when you're not. Being aware of your nature will help you be less trouble by it and will put you more in control.

If you want to pursue this and ask him for coffee, remember there's no reason for him to say yes. But there's also no reason for him to say no! Also he's a complete stranger so you really have nothing to lose. Taking action definitely will let you down sometimes, but it also can surprise you and lead to amazing things. If you don't take action, that can still disappoint you... but it won't ever lead to amazing things. Kind of like the quote "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take" :p It's basic sense, but sometimes you really have to remind yourself of these things.

In the meantime, I suggest you get out more and meet more people. It helps to protect against getting these spontaneous, irrational crushes and will link you more to reality when you form real connections.

(Unrelated, but you're very eloquent. I enjoyed reading your post.)
This. The entire first paragraph was so very true. Like you just got into my head. The wonder of having people on here who completely understand you still gets to me. -shudders in a nice sort of way-

Man, 'spontaneous, irrational crushes' is right and completely spot-on. I could not have worded it better. Combined with idealism, even worse. It's a pretty bad habit of mine. :frustrating:

And thank you for the compliment. :blushed: Your advice was also really well-written. A good balance between empathising and providing practical advice. Something I wish I could do better when talking to someone in person.
 

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I completely understand you, I honestly think you should go and talk to him again. You don't want to ask yourself a few years down the line what if ?

But in the same note try not to idealize the relationship so much, putting an individual on a pedestal just leads to the fall, I know its hard, trust me I have the same problem everyday.
 

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Been there, done that, bought the hat and the t-shirt! You are definitely not alone. I consistently do this. It really is a matter of trying to be more realistic, which can be very hard. While I don't have much advice for you since I myself so often romantically idealize people in my head, I'll just tell you that you aren't alone! *hugs* :)
 

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I don't understand why him being Eurasian is the pinnacle point of your infatuation... but, alright.. (Asians and their 'Eurasians'...).


I don't see the point in pursuing someone if/when you know nothing about them. And judging by your post, it seems you merely "like" the guy because of his appearance; nothing meaningful or hearty comes from something so shallow but, that's just me.

Anyhow, instead of obsessing over him, you should actually talk to him.

Dreaming up fantasies are just cells/receptors communicating... so stop that, and actually make it into a reality.
 
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