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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
well...I don't know if this goes for all yall, but...it seems that whenever I'm dating I always get the feeling that something is missing or that it doesn't "feel right". Are my expectations just too high?? Maybe I'm expecting too much =/

For example...dating someone right now...I know I like him, but I can't figure out if it's right. hmmm
 

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I am normally like that but when I fall, I fall hard like a ton of bricks and then I'm just retarded after that. Your standards are not unfounded, just make sure that the person you do fall for actually loves you back.
 
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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Maybe because it's the begging of the relationship....we dated right after meeting! I don't think I was given enough time to really fall for him...so now it feels kinda unnatural =/ I'm thinking even though it feels sort of weird now...if I give it some time maybe I'll feel differently. How did you guys feel at the begginig stages of your relationship?? Did everything just flow natural and you felt this instant connection? Did you wanna be with them all the time??? Or did you feel......what am I doing????

He is enfj by the way....although I find it difficult to talk about feelings and such with him =\
 

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When I'm in a relationship I tend to analyze the person like a lab rat. They are finely sifted through my values and ideals. Sometimes interrogated. And if that's not enough, I extend every detail about the person into the future--meaning I often ask myself "Am I willing to spend the rest of my life with a person who _____"

Needless to say not very many survive the process.

Needless to say I'm alone.
 

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On the one hand, couples that last a long time (assuming that's what you want) don't necessarily have a lot in common with each other, and their relationship survives because of the effort they both put into it.

On the other hand, if you have serious differences that are just nonnegotiable, the above does not apply.

I tend to feel like something is "missing" in my relationships as well, but the way I personally think about it is that as long as there are not severe issues, if I can find that something elsewhere, there's no reason to cut off the relationship. I'm not talking about cheating or anything like that... nothing that would compromise the relationship... But I mean, if my boyfriend doesn't share my interest in something, I can just fill that gap with a friend. I think that our modern take on relationships is that our partners should be our everything, but that's pretty hard to find in reality. Could just be me being cynical, though. It's possible to find a person you think is totally perfect and completes you and all that, just... really difficult.

-Shrug- I'm just a settler, I guess.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
On the one hand, couples that last a long time (assuming that's what you want) don't necessarily have a lot in common with each other, and their relationship survives because of the effort they both put into it.

On the other hand, if you have serious differences that are just nonnegotiable, the above does not apply.

I tend to feel like something is "missing" in my relationships as well, but the way I personally think about it is that as long as there are not severe issues, if I can find that something elsewhere, there's no reason to cut off the relationship. I'm not talking about cheating or anything like that... nothing that would compromise the relationship... But I mean, if my boyfriend doesn't share my interest in something, I can just fill that gap with a friend. I think that our modern take on relationships is that our partners should be our everything, but that's pretty hard to find in reality. Could just be me being cynical, though. It's possible to find a person you think is totally perfect and completes you and all that, just... really difficult.

-Shrug- I'm just a settler, I guess.
that actually makes a lot of sense...maybe it has something to do with how media and society imposes this perfect relationship image into our brains haha.... people are too complicated and intricate to fit that ideal relationship I guess...
but this made me think of my married best friends enfp+intj...they have a lot of differences, and they tell me how they can't talk or relate on certain things....but there is such a loyalty and trust between them, and they both accept and love each.
 

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All relationships have a Price of Admission

 
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I don't think you should settle just for the sake of being in a relationship. I would never want to be with someone who liked me but felt that it wasn't right. It's a waste of his time, and yours. Maybe I have unrealistic expectations, maybe I do idealize, but it feels wonderful when you finally meet that person and you don't question it, because it just.. fits.

I'm not saying the person should be PERFECT and flawless, because no one is - but at least in terms of emotional compatibility, in terms of connection and chemistry, in how you feel about that person, it shouldn't be questionable. Personally, I can't go for someone unless I feel it's right, we're right, we fit, even though he and I both have flaws, and that's fine, because I find flaws extremely interesting. They add to the person's character and depth, they add substance.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, it's not about a list of characteristics that person has or doesn't have (aka blue vs brown eyes) but that connection you share that has to be ideal, or else you're not gonna be satisfied.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
I don't think you should settle just for the sake of being in a relationship. I would never want to be with someone who liked me but felt that it wasn't right. It's a waste of his time, and yours. Maybe I have unrealistic expectations, maybe I do idealize, but it feels wonderful when you finally meet that person and you don't question it, because it just.. fits.

I'm not saying the person should be PERFECT and flawless, because no one is - but at least in terms of emotional compatibility, in terms of connection and chemistry, in how you feel about that person, it shouldn't be questionable. Personally, I can't go for someone unless I feel it's right, we're right, we fit, even though he and I both have flaws, and that's fine, because I find flaws extremely interesting. They add to the person's character and depth, they add substance.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, it's not about a list of characteristics that person has or doesn't have (aka blue vs brown eyes) but that connection you share that has to be ideal, or else you're not gonna be satisfied.
have you ever had this feeling with someone?
 

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I don't think you should settle just for the sake of being in a relationship. I would never want to be with someone who liked me but felt that it wasn't right. It's a waste of his time, and yours. Maybe I have unrealistic expectations, maybe I do idealize, but it feels wonderful when you finally meet that person and you don't question it, because it just.. fits.

I'm not saying the person should be PERFECT and flawless, because no one is - but at least in terms of emotional compatibility, in terms of connection and chemistry, in how you feel about that person, it shouldn't be questionable. Personally, I can't go for someone unless I feel it's right, we're right, we fit, even though he and I both have flaws, and that's fine, because I find flaws extremely interesting. They add to the person's character and depth, they add substance.
Applies as long as you're healthy. With an unhealthy mind you could easily fall into an abusive relationship, so even though you feel connected to the person, it could be wrong.

I'm only saying that because I'm not sure I'm entirely healthy myself in that respect, and my friends always used to joke I'd get into an abusive relationship. I did end up dating a guy I felt very connected to, but he put me down a lot and wouldn't tell anybody he knew that we were dating. (It was long distance, though, so that was probably part of it. We met online and were friends for a year and a half before dating, and had met in person prior to starting a relationship.) My friends pointed out a lot of problems they saw with what was going on, but I disregarded them or made excuses because of the connection I had with him.

Basically, it depends on who you are, but if you're like me and tend to be too trusting and forgiving with the wrong person, I think it's acceptable to settle for less of a connection as long as everything else is okay.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
I find myself being the same way.... Or finding excuses to be with someone...like I have so much hope for something everyone else sees as hopeless. haha....In high school I used to be head over heals for this guy in my band....who I think now was a legit psycopath haha. unsympathetic, manipulative, abusive...

but ANYWAY....infps....do we ever feel that something is totally right from the beginning? I know we have a tendency to idealize and expect perfection.....

One part of me thinks something really beautiful could come out of this relationship....but because it feels uncomfortable weird, and wrong right now...i should get out before it becomes to hard.

MAYBE I'M THINKING TO MUCH hahaa

I really want to hear from other infps about their own relationships, and how the felt at the begining of these.....especially the infp+enfj
 

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I find myself being the same way.... Or finding excuses to be with someone...like I have so much hope for something everyone else sees as hopeless. haha....In high school I used to be head over heals for this guy in my band....who I think now was a legit psycopath haha. unsympathetic, manipulative, abusive...

but ANYWAY....infps....do we ever feel that something is totally right from the beginning? I know we have a tendency to idealize and expect perfection.....

One part of me thinks something really beautiful could come out of this relationship....but because it feels uncomfortable weird, and wrong right now...i should get out before it becomes to hard.

MAYBE I'M THINKING TO MUCH hahaa

I really want to hear from other infps about their own relationships, and how the felt at the begining of these.....especially the infp+enfj
I'm sorry I can't shed much light on the infp+enfj pairing... I've never dated an ENFJ! I mistyped an ex in the first month of our relationship as being an ENFJ, but I think he ended up being an ESFP. It's easy to mistype in the beginning because everyone puts their best foot forward!

As to your wondering if INFPs every feel that something is completely right from the beginning: I can tell you that I have never felt that way. I am always tentative in the beginning, and it takes a LOT of encouragement to get me on board with the idea of a relationship. That either takes time or some very convincing conviction from the guy. Once I am in the relationship, I begin questioning each little thing to determine if this is someone I could love, marry, and live with for the rest of my life. I've never been a casual dater. Even after I'm pretty sure it's right, and in one case was engaged, I still keep my eyes wide open and sometimes feel as though it could be wrong, that maybe I read things wrong or made a mistake.

The closest I have ever come to feeling it was right in the very beginning was with my current boyfriend (INTJ). It took several years of friendship to get there though... even then when he first asked me, I couldn't get past my view of him as my friend and "brother" for another year and the aforementioned engagement to another man. When he finally announced with serious conviction his absolute love for me and desire to marry me someday, it felt right... mostly. I can tell you, it was a bit of a battle to see him as more than just my friend, and I'm still working through that.

The point is, he communicates with me. He puts in the effort that is 100% necessary for an open, honest, committed, adult relationship that is focusing on blending two lives and loving someone flaws and all. He is not superficial, he shows me he wants this, he tell me he wants it, he doesn't play games with my heart, and he NEVER EVER tries to hurt me on purpose. We have several of the same interests, but MANY different ones as well. He takes his perfectionism to extremes and I'm much more of a free spirit. He knows I like to be spontaneous, so he plans things weeks ahead and doesn't ask me to do them until a week or few days before haha :) We're not the same. We are incredibly opposite in some regards... but we're in this. That's what counts. Don't ditch someone for stupid reasons, but do look for someone who is going to treat you right. It may not be a "perfect" relationship, but that's because those don't exist. I don't think you should try to find someone that completes you, because no one can and no one should have to carry that responsibility. I just think you should find someone that you want to put in the effort for, and who you see putting in the effort for you.
 

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I didn't fall in love until I was about 26-27 years old, which seems old for some people, but normal to others (depending on how easily they connect to others). For a long time I thought something was wrong with me, that I had an inability to connect with people, that maybe my standards were too high, etc. However, I just did not want to be in a relationship just to have a relationship. I thought for a long time that I would live my life out alone.

But the cliches were true - those people just weren't right for me & that's why I had doubt, and when it happened, I just knew.

Unfortunately, it didn't work out, but I have some comfort in knowing that it can happen for me, that I am capable of such a feeling & a connection, and that the person does not have to be impossibly perfect to inspire such a feeling. And no, I didn't feel a strong connection immediately, but I had an inkling, and over time, that deepened into a genuine feeling of love. You will see "potential" in someone, and that will be stronger than any doubt, strong enough to allow real feelings to grow as you explore the potential.

So just be patient, and wait, and someday it will probably happen.
 

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have you ever had this feeling with someone?
Yes ma'am :)

@fretterfet, I see your point and it is very valid in terms of protecting yourself. I suppose if you knew the relationship was abusive for example but you had a great connection, you wouldn't go for it. I wouldn't either, and if I was in it I'd leave. But can you really know from the beginning how it's going to be? No, you're going to only feel that insane draw towards the person, and trust me when I say it's going to overcome anything you feel towards the other, safer person. Just in terms of attraction, that connection I'm talking about could be unsafe in its nature, because it's outside your realm of control, and it's overpowering, sometimes downright scary - to me, it is.

What I mean by this, is that a way to settle this is to follow that connection and manage to keep your feet on the ground. I know it's hard to do because we're INFP's mainly, and personally I tend to get carried away, but with time and after getting hurt, I realize I have to if I don't want to get my heart stomped over. I'm very past oriented, so I somehow keep reminding myself of what happened before.

In terms of being too forgiving, that is a trait I also possess and it can be very detrimental to you when you're in a bad relationship, but with time, I learned to express whatever it was that bothered me and not hold it in, or sometimes actually do something about it. I guess I'm healthy according to your definition, but only by learning from my past unhealthiness.
 

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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
The point is, he communicates with me. He puts in the effort that is 100% necessary for an open, honest, committed, adult relationship that is focusing on blending two lives and loving someone flaws and all. He is not superficial, he shows me he wants this, he tell me he wants it, he doesn't play games with my heart, and he NEVER EVER tries to hurt me on purpose. We have several of the same interests, but MANY different ones as well. He takes his perfectionism to extremes and I'm much more of a free spirit. He knows I like to be spontaneous, so he plans things weeks ahead and doesn't ask me to do them until a week or few days before haha :) We're not the same. We are incredibly opposite in some regards... but we're in this. That's what counts. Don't ditch someone for stupid reasons, but do look for someone who is going to treat you right. It may not be a "perfect" relationship, but that's because those don't exist. I don't think you should try to find someone that completes you, because no one can and no one should have to carry that responsibility. I just think you should find someone that you want to put in the effort for, and who you see putting in the effort for you.
wow this really spoke to me....it's funny because usually I cut it off or run away when things don't feel right (which is always) but for some reason.....I really want to work on this =/
 
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