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Discussion Starter #1
I read the INFP & sex thread and I guess the consensus is that INFPs are not the type to engage in casual sex.

Does this also mean that INFPs would most definitely, most probably not commit infidelity or be involved in an affair?

Have any of you been in an affair or know of an INFP who has?
 

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What I've read about INFPs and fidelity is that usually most stay committed to a relationship.

And the rare few that do it once learn VERY quickly not to do it again, but most of us know from the get-go that it's a bad idea.

Our empathy makes it excruciating to cheat, since we'll tear ourselves apart from the guilt. It's an excellent deterrent, and guarantees that most of us don't do it to begin with. It's why we're probably the most faithful of all partners -- we'll beat ourselves up over it, and we know it, so we don't do it to begin with.
 

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Sure we would

I'm more Fe minded than typical, so it adds to it. But you're right, not in sexual terms.*(i' supposing). However, when i used Fi- much more--it was less likely of a thought. I'm also liked by a lot of girls, not for who i am. THey have an idealized image of what i am, and i probably hold the other infp typical attractions. Either case---because i know their love is surface---i'd be willing to exploit it in my imagination. But a stud infp male, is also a loser in other areas, and quite lazy. Oh, not a real stud, i'm a tad chubby.:) and my language and world view comes off a tad NT'ish. I've heard this sort of turns off girls, which is good that I rarely talk.
 

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I could never cheat on a significant other, even if I wanted to. It would destroy me.

I had a girlfriend once who told me she has cheated on every boyfriend she had except for one. This drove me insane. I became so subconsciously worried that she would cheat on me at some point. I interpreted every little thing like a hint she was cheating...well a little bit of an exaggeration. But I was constantly worried about it.

However, in my little fantasy mind, "cheating" happened all the time....But in real life, I couldn't do it.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Thanks for the responses thus far. Like casual sex, there seems to be a strong consensus among INFPs about the impossibility of ever engaging in an extramarital affair or committing an act of infidelity. This is an honorable stance.

It is, as I had suspected, unrequited love for me. :sad:
 

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Honestly, I get so embedded in the relationship I'm in and focus so much energy on the person I'm with that cheating doesn't even cross my mind, even when things aren't going so well.
What Zygomorphic said rings true for me too though...I chose to end my first "real" relationship after two and a half years when I finally realized we had some major clash of ideals, and that something was just missing. It took another guy entering the picture for me to fully come to this realization. The new guy and I were purely friends until after I broke things off with my boyfriend, but I felt a little guilty about it for a long time afterward because it still sort of felt like cheating in retrospect. I don't know...I've grown a lot since that first relationship.
As long as I feel there's even a remote thread to hang onto, I'm fiercely loyal and committed.
 

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Yeah, I would definitely never cheat on someone or have an affair. I guess I just think the person I'm with deserves the respect to not be cheated on. I wouldn't have a problem with ending a relationship if I find there to be greener pastures elsewhere. It just seems very selfish to me for people to have affairs, I'd rather have someone dump me to be with someone else than cheat on me.
 

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I can relate to what most other INFPs have said. I would be completely incapable of cheating on someone. I would just feel terrible about it, and would not be able to live with myself. If for some reason it happened, I would tell my partner.

Besides, if I was in a relationship where I felt the need to cheat, I wouldn't be in such a relationship to begin with. I want too much out of a relationship to be with someone just for the sake of being in a relationship.
 

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Yea I personally would never cheat if I was in a serious relationship. Don't really know why. I can just tell I suppose that it would hurt both of us.
 

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When I was 16 I cheated on my boyfriend. Just a kiss with another guy but as soon as it happened I knew my relationship was over. If it wasn't I would never have kissed the other guy. I was on holiday at the time. As soon as I got back home I finished with my boyfriend. He had put me through so much emotional abuse (alcoholic) and I had stuck by him, and not judged him, but as soon as I had broken one of my rules, I had to finish things.

I would never do that again. The guilt was terrible. Even the thought of causing pain to my husband leaves me feeling mentally anguished, so why would I deliberately go out and do that to him, and myself? I don't understand why or how people cheat. If you are in a committed relationship, then you commit to one person. If you go out and sleep with someone else then you are breaking your commitment and your relationship is based on a lie.

I am well aware that for some people sex is sex and has nothing to do with love, but for me sex and love are inseparable. Daydreams and fantasies are acceptable, but as soon as the line is crossed in real life... in a world of greys this issue is so black and white to me - if you cheat, you tell your partner and you work out together whether or not you can move forward together. If you cheat you have given up your right to decide whether your main relationship continues.

So yes, OP, your love is probably doomed to unrequitedness, but if you make the object of your love aware that you are there and available should their current relationship end, then you stand a good chance of being the first person that they turn to IF that happens. Unless you are in a relationship yourself, of course, in which case they will probably leave well alone.
 

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I can't see myself cheating, because of my morals/values, my sense of loyalty and how I generally try and solve the root of problems, not run away from them.

INFPs are reported to be the most dissatisfied in marriage, likely because of our extremely high ideals and being hard to understand (and we yearn to be understood). However, we're also supposed to be very loyal, and to stick with a dying relationship to the end, also because of our ideals. I think an INFP who is extremely unhappy with their partner and found a way to justify cheating in their mind is definitely capable of an affair. I would be surprised to hear of an INFP who cheated just for sex (although I think that is rarely the case with anyone - there's usually some deeper issue). I can also see an INFP putting a romantic spin on "forbidden love" and indulging in that fantasy, but what it would take to act on it is another story.
 

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I used to think that I could never cheat. I have never cheated on a girlfriend, but I recently found myself flirting with a married woman; by flirting I mean talking to her way too much, and my body language and eye contact were too intimate. This is very disappointing to me because I viewed myself in a higher regard. I wasn't even "trying" to flirt with her, I was just having an interesting conversation, but when I analyze the situation, I realize that I was flirting with her and she was flirting with me. She mentioned several times that she is unhappily married and being with this guy is a mistake. Nonetheless, I don't want to get in between their relationship. If she doesn't want to be faithful to him then they should get divorced. She was drunk and seemed to be very susceptible to me. I was more intoxicated by her than the alcohol, but I didn't let myself get too carried away like I would have if she was single. Although I think if she had been more aggressive to compensate for my moral reservation then something may have transpired that night. She made subtle hints, but I didn't take it any further. Part of me regrets that and part of me doesn't.
 

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Yeah, this is a difficult question. I regretfully have cheated--I kissed someone while dating someone else. And what bothered me the most was that, though I felt guilty, I was not eaten away by guilt. I think what it was was that deep down I knew I had to end things with the person I was dating, but I was afraid to admit it to myself, or to go through with it. This person and I have broken up since then, but I don't think they ever knew.

To tell on myself even more, I had what they seem to be calling now an "emotional affair" with a married person I used to work with. Nothing ever happened, but we flirted a good bit, and after several months we began confiding quite heavily in each other. I was glad when I finally left that job, because it meant I could let my heart heal. I think they enjoyed knowing I had feelings for them, and didn't really have as serious of feelings for me. It was hard--but I can proudly say that nothing happened, in all the months we worked together.

But all of this makes me wonder--have I ever really been in love? Or if I have, has the other person loved me back? I honestly have to say I have my doubts. I think for the first time in my life I know what it means for me to love someone, and I think I know what it will feel like to be loved back. And in my heart, I know that once I find that I will never be able to break that bond by cheating. It really would break my heart to do it, and I never would want to/be able to. If someone did it to me, I don't know what I'd do.
 

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By infidelity, you could mean emotional, sexual or lots in between. Lately, I've come to the conclusion it's any betrayal where you thought you had a commitment from your partner, and they broke that bond in secret.

Unfortunately, I know too much about this subject (don't ask). What I've learned along the way is that every single human being on earth is hard-wired to have an affair or cheat. I know everyone says "I would never cheat" or "I think infidelity is wrong"....and they mean it at the time they say it.....but statistics say that over 70% of marriages are affected in some way by infidelity. And the bottom line is that most people betray their core values when they do it. That's what makes it especially sad...when a person betrays everyone close to them, and even themselves. INFP's do have a harder time betraying their core values, but they are also prone to be attracted to the idealistic version of a relationship.

Why do I think we are all hard wired for it? Because we are biological beings, centuries in the making. Our species has been perpetuated by the mating drive - and it isn't just about finding someone you like and hooking up. The mating drive is biochemically messing with people's brain. All kinds of drugs get infused in your system when you find someone you like and you spend too much time with them....dopamine, seratonin, etc. And for the first two or three years you become wildly infatuated with that person, and the chemicals even mess with you enough so that you don't see the faults in that the person, all you want is to be with that person, you rationalize all aspects of your life to stay...etc. Essentially, you're toast! :shocked: The most common feeling of romantic attachment is you think you've met your "soulmate". That's especially dangerous for INFPs.

Some folks are very successful in protecting their boundaries, never cheating and staying honorable. It isn't though, because they just couldn't. It's really because they are good at recognizing dangerous behavior and making a commitment to just not go there. But for the rest...well, it usually starts of innocent and then the drugs take over. Too much time, too much travel away from home, too much drinking, just too much....and then, mistakes are made.

Oh, and this:
It is, as I had suspected, unrequited love for me. :sad:
No. That isn't usually the case. Infidelity has little to do with the committed relationship (no matter what excuse the cheater is using to justify the behavior).

Remember that for 2-3 years romantic love attaches two people and they are ga-ga? After three years, when nature has brought a couple together and they have mated (and procreated Nature hopes), love turns into long term attachment. Long term attachment is a bond that feels different - it is that calm serenity we feel when we've been with someone awhile - the bonds go very deep. It lasts 20+ years if protected. Different drugs in the brain. Long term attachment stays, even if a romantic relationship start up with someone else. Cheaters usually don't want to dump their long term partner, they usually want both. I don't know if this is your situation, but...I'll mention this in case it rings for you.

If you're not married or haven't been together very long...cheaters do come in all shapes and sizes, and if you've found out early in your relationship that he is one, it's a gift to know it early. Some people chase skirts their whole life. This would be in the third category called "lust." Self-explanatory. It could be sexual addiction, or it could be just simply distraction because he doesn't feel very good about himself. Fooling around is like taking drugs.....that "high" can distract from deeper feelings of hurt, despair or pain. Philanderers are usually in this last category. Avoid them like the plague. They are difficult to fix and you deserve better I'm sure.

Hope you are ok, and I hope all this information isn't way off the mark on what you are asking about. Really, believe me when I say this, infidelity has nothing to do with you. It's all about him.
 

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One I was dating got drunk and kissed a guy and later i found out she was trying to get with one of my friends (same Party). Another one I found out was basically falling in love with a guy behind my back. She denied it but whatever. Long story short, they might feel bad due to Fi but they still do it.
 

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I've been cheated so I know how it's like. I don't know what's with some people, why they can't simply say *fuck off*. My ex said she didn't want to say she didn't like me anymore because she would "hurt my feelings". Somehow between "fuck off" and the fact that she was spotted at a party blowing two guys, i'd have preffered the "fuck off" without the juicy details. But yeah that's life so we go on. That's what you get for projecting your anima in the wrong places. I will never cheat ever...Why? Simple I expect to be treated the same so it's only fair I respect my own rule.
 
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