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Discussion Starter #1
Ok INFP friends, here goes my first thread:


I was wondering if any one else out there has "confession" syndrome, where you just HAVE to own up to that negative reaction, emotion, or be extra guilty for procrastinating, etc...

Because I do. I think it comes from a good place, in many ways. I want to give the other person the dignity of knowing what's happening with me and that I'm sorry for causing any pain. Conversely, I also think I do this to relieve feelings of guilt that I have (real or imagined) or to protect myself from rejection by the person I've offended. Wow! Complexities...

So, I've been finding recently that this tendency seems to do more harm than good. That my friends take my confessions to heart and begin to believe that I'm always being selfish, apathetic, etc. It's hard to counteract this because I find it very, very hard to make positive declarations of my care for others, because I have deep suspicions that I am a really cold-hearted person deep down and I'll end up hurting, or worse, betraying, my friends. (Maybe this is the thing beneath the thing that really needs discussing!!)

So my questions are as follows:

Do any of you do this?
If so, how do you manage the urge to spew "I'm sorry"s all over everyone?

..Maybe we can work on a solution together... : )
 

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It's hard to counteract this because I find it very, very hard to make positive declarations of my care for others, because I have deep suspicions that I am a really cold-hearted person deep down and I'll end up hurting, or worse, betraying, my friends.
I can relate to this. I have a lot of trouble telling people I care about them, so I mostly try to just say exactly what I feel (which I think might come out as a bit cold) or exaggerate/joke about it so they understand I really mean it while I still don't have to really show my feelings. Or something along those lines... :confused: It seems to have worked so far anyway.

About the rest of your problems... I'm pretty much the opposite. I almost never say I'm sorry since I can't get it to sound like I mean it (regardless of if I actually do or don't) so I mostly just look sorry and hope the other party get my meaning.
 

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I can relate to this. I have a lot of trouble telling people I care about them, so I mostly try to just say exactly what I feel (which I think might come out as a bit cold) or exaggerate/joke about it so they understand I really mean it while I still don't have to really show my feelings. Or something along those lines... :confused: It seems to have worked so far anyway.

About the rest of your problems... I'm pretty much the opposite. I almost never say I'm sorry since I can't get it to sound like I mean it (regardless of if I actually do or don't) so I mostly just look sorry and hope the other party get my meaning.

Haha, I can see the exaggeration/joking part working for me, but I'm not really sure why because it doesn't seem to get to the heart of it. Which I suppose is not wanting to lead people on? Weird...
Maybe all of these things are what happens when your ideals get skewed...

It's neat how I can still find some common ground with you: wanting to be genuine. Maybe INFPs want to be perfectly so, and then we start to doubt ourselves and just shut down. For others it seems to come so easy. I am thankful for those around me that just say what they think, feel, etc. And don't think about theoretical implications or impending doom like I do.

It has helped to see communicating love as a value (which it is). Then I feel more "obligated" to do it, which is actually a relief to me.
 

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I do it too. My mom has told me, multiple times, "Stop saying you're sorry so much. Especially for things you had nothing to do with."

... to which I respond,"I'm sorry," almost reflexively, without even thinking about the irony.

I also tend to confess a lot here, about all of my perversions, my hatred, my shame, everything, no matter how humiliating. I can think of a few different reasons I might do it.

1. I got used to having to apologize for everything in order to avoid trouble when I was in a bad relationship. Now it's just a habit.

2. There are many things about me that other people consider flaws, but which I do not. If I say I am sorry for everything else, including things others do not consider flaws, maybe they will understand that my inability to agree with them, and to hate certain things about me that they hate, is not a sign that I am an arrogant bitch, or that I think I can do no wrong. It doesn't come from feeling superior. It comes from being right, even when I acknowledge that I am often admittedly wrong for doing other things.

3 (related to 2). When I am stubbornly unapologetic for being passionate about my values, other people will contrast it with how humble and apologetic I usually am, and the things I am saying will mean more to them. They will know, by comparison with my normal meekness, how much I have to care about something before I get to the point where I am unwilling to back down.

4. I really am sorry about a lot of things, and I value openness. I wish other people would apologize more, too, and would confess their flaws just as readily, so everything would be out in the open and nobody would have to guess.

5. Sometimes when I say, "I'm sorry," it isn't as a way to say, "it was all my fault," but can also mean that I am displeased that something bad happened, or that someone was inconvenienced by something outside of my control. (This is what bugs my mom.)
 
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