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I'm not proud to admit being the way I am. I do hurt myself, always have since I can remember really. As a supposed INFP, I am totally aware how normal this would seem for my type. INFP's are always stereotyped as the emo ones. I'm not certain why that is, I don't have an issue with it though, because the generalization leads me to believe this is my type. Though I don't call myself that by any stretch, yes I'm angsty, I have either horribly terrible clinical depression, or something else of that caliber.

I cut myself because I hate myself. I hate myself because I am not as good as I wish to be. No matter how hard I try to be perfect I'm not. I try to get A's, I get C's or F's. I try to be pretty, I'm ugly in a mirror. I try to be liked, I'm not. I essentially self harm because it helps me deal with shame, pain, and stress. I guess it's a way I punish myself if I don't get something done efficiently, and the way I want things to go never pans out.
 

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@heartshapedbox
Hey there, care to imagine with me? What is your absolute most ideal self? (in a perfect world, rid of all shitty circumstances and a complete inability to be perfect, how do you envision yourself?)

I don't completely understand what you're going through because all of our struggles are unique..but I do get hurting yourself when you feel like you've failed. It's an endless loop of disappointment, which leads to harm, which leads to more disappointment, etc. In the end, I guess it comes down to a decision to stop the cycle. Actively fighting against the system. When you fall back, it's ok. You get up and keep fighting, and keep fighting..and keep fighting. You sound like you have this will. You "wish to be good", you "try hard to be perfect". That's what counts. You're already on the road to recovery, chin up.

It's true INFP's can be "stereotyped emo" but that doesn't make it true of you. You define you, not your "type". From what I see just in this post, you're incredibly strong and completely capable of being whole, beautiful, and confident.

EDIT: hmk. The fight towards being perfect sometimes makes it worse. But it does show strength. What's your motive behind trying to be perfect, exactly?

I cut for about 1.5 years pretty often (heh pretty much daily/every other day). Then decided to stop, which worked for about a month before I fell back. Eventually I worked up to not cut for about six months, then for about a year, then a whole year and a half..etc. It was a pretty legit addiction for me and I still think about doing it. (I haven't for a few months). It's sort of an urge, what worked best was distracting myself while the urge was there until I "forgot" about it. It also helped to tell a close friend *who is around in person* so they could keep me in check a bit.
 

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Plague Doctor
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I haven't ever had any problems with self harm but I do have MDD. It's managed with medication and therapy. I only see my therapist every so often now, though. Like maybe 4-8 times a year, if that. I haven't seen her in 2017.

edit to add: I also recommend seeing a professional. What you're describing sounds very serious.
 

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I never could bring myself to self harm, but I do have depression and have had suicidal ideations in the past. I'd recommend seeking help. If therapists aren't your thing, you can always read books. Medication is also an option, although not sure how you feel about that. If things get really bad, here's a hotline number you can call: 1-800-273-8255.


By the way, this isn't type related, and you probably should base your type off of this. There's also a lot of negative stereotypes of INFPs being like this that you should probably take with a grain of salt because there's also many happy and functional INFPs, even on this very forum.
 

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No need to be perfect. If everything were perfect it'd be all too easy, and life without a challenge would be depressing because then there'd be no room to grow. With people, the room to grow is infinite, regardless of genetics because there is no defined pinnacle of being.

You're living a unique experience, that only you can experience, same as all people. So you define what growth is for you. Beating yourself up too harshly is like when weight lifters exercise too hard; it ends up ironically reversing the progress they've made.

For you to aspire to such great heights speaks to your character, and it's good to be hard on yourself. But you must also respect yourself despite failure otherwise you'll end up in a chaotic loop of inadequacy and punishment that only leads you in circles.
 

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Ahh @heartshaped box, I understand the need for a physical manifestation of the agony of the soul. My heart aches for you.

I was raised in a very strict cult and had notions of "attainable earthly perfection" fed to me on a daily basis. I never measure up .. never have, never will. And, at times, it makes me feel sad to breaking point. I need some physical evidence of the pain I carry.

More than that, the physical pain reminds me that I am human, that I am inherently flawed and that it is how I overcome my flaws that makes me good enough.

There are some really good answers here already, but I am going to be controversial.

Disclaimer: I am not advocating this for everybody, I am sharing what works for me.

Life coaching and BDSM. That's it ... that's what works for me. My life coach gave me tools such as creative visualisation and emotional intelligence techniques which keep me mentally strong in stressful situations.

BDSM with my wonderful and loving partners over the years has given me an outlet for my pain. A reason to cry and release my agony. And a safe, controlled environment in which to do it. After a BDSM session I feel purged and strong enough to take on the next hurdle. My current partner (ENTJ) uses medical grade needles to scratch my flesh while he coaxes me to let go of my pain and praises my strength. He has never even come close to damaging me as much as I have damaged myself over the years with my self-harming behaviour.

Please note that I am not advocating someone going out and making themselves a whipping boy for ham fisted strangers. That is not safe or sane.

The fact is that I find pain cathartic. I always have. Cutting and other self-harming behaviour left me feeling good for a day or so and then it would wear off and I feel ten times worse. What I now realise is that I needed to find a safer way to give myself that kind of release.

I strongly urge anyone, who goes down this path, to do their research before hand. It is important to understand what healthy, safe, sane, consensual BDSM looks like. I learned the hard way because I didn't have access to the interwebs (#Sangoireisold) ... you don't have to make the same mistakes that I did.
 

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I'm not proud to admit being the way I am. I do hurt myself, always have since I can remember really. As a supposed INFP, I am totally aware how normal this would seem for my type. INFP's are always stereotyped as the emo ones. I'm not certain why that is, I don't have an issue with it though, because the generalization leads me to believe this is my type. Though I don't call myself that by any stretch, yes I'm angsty, I have either horribly terrible clinical depression, or something else of that caliber.

I cut myself because I hate myself. I hate myself because I am not as good as I wish to be. No matter how hard I try to be perfect I'm not. I try to get A's, I get C's or F's. I try to be pretty, I'm ugly in a mirror. I try to be liked, I'm not. I essentially self harm because it helps me deal with shame, pain, and stress. I guess it's a way I punish myself if I don't get something done efficiently, and the way I want things to go never pans out.
Look I have been through this. I have scars on my body from it - ones that have never healed even after all the years. Even now sometimes I just want to do it again but I have a support group now. My advice? Talk to your parents. Go see a therapist. It really does work. Not at first though. I had to go see a bunch of psychologists before I found someone I connected with. He referred me to a psychiatrist and I took pills that really helped me quit. But the desire to quit should come from within. You don't have to love yourself. You just have to want to love yourself.

But really you need help because I know how this goes. The cuts get deeper and deeper each time. I know this. Talk to someone please.
 

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i am harsh on my self too but i was never involved in self harm i always try to improve my self and i would like to share to you some stuff that i have learned in my 17 years life
how do people see you?
people may call you bad or emo but thats all in their head as they realy dont know you . there are tons of other things to worry about . no one has time to judge or be skeptical of a person they dont know. at the end of the day if you ask them how this person is he will say only goods he doesnt know you and its human nature to socialise those good things will be genralised and you can say those to any random guy/girl . This is usual case and happens un-intentionally because at the end of the day everyone wants to enter the vicious cycle of good thoughts no one wants to back bitch and enter the vitreous cycle if they even do so you should be happy as now people will surely look upon you and realize that you are not that way rather you are a good guy and the one who actualy starts the viterous cylcle it ends on him leaving him the victim . He will not be able to know what and how this happpned and the world will be against him .


why do i have so many problems?
nahhh you are not alone all people have these problems some are big and some small some trouble you more and some keep you distracted throughout the day . NO one cares about your problems until you care about theirs but in positive way. you need to open up and let loose that tension from both ends .

am i alone?
it depends on how often you be with your friends and if you have a partner . but if those life lines are closed you have your family. for your family you are a group of small people who is fighting the obstacles in life they may have friends but you are closest to them . you can share with them and spend time they will always understand you and even if you dont trust them . read the next line you WILL HAVE TO TRUST THEM. if they want to share your secrets with others who will they do it with how will they make u embarrassed? you are the ones closest to them and no one else people come and go but this relation remains forever.

let loose and enjoy the moment but keep your goals
you need to recogonise what you want out of your life now . make a list of things you can do in future to earn and survive the list should have all things that you can do and have options for . now strike the stuff you are not interested in . you will be left with different paths of life you can choose from this will give you some clarity and you will feel less self pity . but remember not to share your goals out side family . you should always be learning something new and mentain your hobeis and get good at them . i used to be kind of aloof no one knew me much i had some guyz who tried to bring me up but i was uncomfortable. then i developed a will to just follow my dreams and hobies now i have some friends and i have respect i turn faces when i enter class .i am still an introvert and like my own company sometimes . regarding studies i would sugest you that currently focus on 1-2 subjects work hard on them ... practice and effective study is key its a bit slow and tiring but soon it will become effortless you will be getting good scores have more self esteem and feel good and at top of the world .


Hope this helps you
 

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I cut myself because I hate myself. I hate myself because I am not as good as I wish to be. No matter how hard I try to be perfect I'm not. I try to get A's, I get C's or F's. I try to be pretty, I'm ugly in a mirror. I try to be liked, I'm not. I essentially self harm because it helps me deal with shame, pain, and stress. I guess it's a way I punish myself if I don't get something done efficiently, and the way I want things to go never pans out.
You need to undestand that suffering in silence isn't the answer to your problems. Dare to speak up and seek help. Two years from now you may find yourself in a better place, thankful for showing strenght when you were at your weakest. Humans are imperfect creations so don't strive for perfection in an imperfect world. Search for inner peace and comfort instead. I have been in a similar situation and I know that it is hard but you shouldn't lose hope... better days are ahead of you
 

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It's all about replacing desire with desire. You attempt to do this with grades, appearance, etc but get disappointed when you look in the mirror.

So I say change your goals. And don't make them unrealistic.. it takes time to grow.

Writing poetry, books, posts on forums, studying interesting things, listening to people I like, exercising in ways I enjoy, etc are some ways I choose to cope with my feelings. Everything is expression... you pick how you get to express yourself. And don't stop. :)
 

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Yes, must admit that during my 6 years of depression (that was a long time ago) I did self harm in a variety of ways.

OP, please know that there's help on youtube. I guess you're looking for relatedness and validation in this thread, rather than advice (since there's no Q in the post), and relatedness in itself is soothing (imo anyways). And you probly don't want to hear me say seek help, but I will say it. It's totally worth investing in yourself. I mention youtube because it's the easiest place to search for little topics you might want to research, like "heal perfectionism", and it's great that you can watch things that make you think in the comfort of your own solitude, without feeling like anybody is judging you.
 

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Discussion Starter #15
Why do you say therapy is a joke?
Because I've been through it multiple times, by force. It didn't help me whatsoever. I constantly feel judged and compared when I go in and talk to a person whose paid to listen to me complain for an hour. Talk about all my personal BS, in the hopes that a new perspective could somehow cure me. The whole concept of therapy seems more like a way for society to entirely shirk it's responsibility of someone's mental health by placing them in a small confined room with the one and only person who can deal with them through an exchange of money. It is simply a shame that I should be forced to do it as a result of other people leading me to this point.
 

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Discussion Starter #16
EDIT: hmk. The fight towards being perfect sometimes makes it worse. But it does show strength. What's your motive behind trying to be perfect, exactly?
I don't know, I mean I constantly compare myself to other people. The problem is, I don't want to be just good, I want to be the best. I can't stand even when I make small mistakes. I just wish that I was better in every possible sense of the word. I wish I was more intelligent, I wish I was more attractive, I wish I could be better in general. I am never happy with myself.
 

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Discussion Starter #17
By the way, this isn't type related, and you probably should base your type off of this. There's also a lot of negative stereotypes of INFPs being like this that you should probably take with a grain of salt because there's also many happy and functional INFPs, even on this very forum.
Just to be 100% clear, I meant no harm behind my insinuations of INFPs, I'm simply going off the general vibe other types on the forum seem to get from INFP's. I suppose I can't quite say I know for sure if I'm INFP, I just sorta thought I was because I feel relatively comfortable and at home with most of the INFP's here. I have used medication before, but it was at a time when my brain wasn't functioning well (13-14 years old) so I am thinking about trying it again, it's just a really daunting thing for me.
 

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I don't know, I mean I constantly compare myself to other people. The problem is, I don't want to be just good, I want to be the best. I can't stand even when I make small mistakes. I just wish that I was better in every possible sense of the word. I wish I was more intelligent, I wish I was more attractive, I wish I could be better in general. I am never happy with myself.
We wouldn't learn much from life if we didn't make mistakes, ey?
Why? Is this about being your best, about proving yourself (to someone else? to yourself?), or...something else? Just curious.
 

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You are perfect just the way you are






I wish someone told me that when I was younger. It was a hard lesson to figure out on my own
 
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