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I'm not proud to admit being the way I am. I do hurt myself, always have since I can remember really. As a supposed INFP, I am totally aware how normal this would seem for my type. INFP's are always stereotyped as the emo ones. I'm not certain why that is, I don't have an issue with it though, because the generalization leads me to believe this is my type. Though I don't call myself that by any stretch, yes I'm angsty, I have either horribly terrible clinical depression, or something else of that caliber.

I cut myself because I hate myself. I hate myself because I am not as good as I wish to be. No matter how hard I try to be perfect I'm not. I try to get A's, I get C's or F's. I try to be pretty, I'm ugly in a mirror. I try to be liked, I'm not. I essentially self harm because it helps me deal with shame, pain, and stress. I guess it's a way I punish myself if I don't get something done efficiently, and the way I want things to go never pans out.
well, we live in a world in which there is an idea of "perfect" that has been pushed by people who need that to be our objective: why do you think we need efficiency and high grades? Just so society can get little robots that work like machines. Trust me if you are not like that there is nothing bad with that. You are probably perfect according to other standards :). And I think you are pretty young, cause you talk about grades so you probably go to school... when you are older you will NOT want to be like everyone else. You will find your personal ideal of perfection the only beautiful ideal. Search for what you love and you will learn to love yourself
 

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I haven't cut since february. COVID-19 outbreak caused me to stop, at least temporarily. That being said, i still feel the urge to do it. I just can't cut now, because when I cut, i cut too deep, and hospitals are too overstressed by COVID-19 measures. It is a very selfish thing to do, but even thinking about it or romanticizing helps me dealing with it. I'm afraid of cutting actually, which is weird. I just can't see sharp tools or i turn my head away. But what I do love about cutting is the blood that drops on the ground, or in case you do it worse, the blood streaming out of your body. It gives a soothing feeling ironically. It's like a spiritual experience. The rush you feel is insane, and is stronger than taking xtc. If i feel super depressive or bored, i tend to think about it, grab it and cut. First very slowly and not deep, but than gradually deeper and deeper. So deep that in most cases i need to go to hospital for stitches. It's like if it's not deep enough, i don't feel the rush. It's truly an addiction. A way for endorphins and adrenaline to release rapidly, and your mind is not busy with your depressive thoughts. I feel amazing than. I feel no pain. I feel relief. I feel super happy. Even writing about it, makes me feel happy. Thinking about it, makes me happy. That's why I romanticize it so much. Self-harm has become part of me, and it's slowly consuming me. It's risky. I could lose my life with it, but honestly i don't care that much about my life. I just like the act of doing it, and i like aesthetically blood coming out of your body. It even smells amazing.

But it's scary. I have hit arteries three times now, those were the most insane rushes or trances i've ever felt in my life. That's when i realize that dying is actually not painful, but pleasurable, because one time i came very close to dying because of self-harm. I did lost so much blood that I passed away and was unconscious for hours (5 hours). The scars are clearly visible. I mostly hide them, but sometimes forget too. I don't think i care that much. I haven't regret it so far. Like i said, it's part of me, and life is relative. It makes me feel alive and kicking. It gives me energy. It creates a rush / trance where you're able to do so much things at once. Your heart rate goes up. It's crazy. I miss it so much. I miss it so fucking much.

I've never thought in my life, i would self-harm. The idea of it sounds crazy, and now I sound like a professional. It's finally something i'm good at. I thought I was a coward. Not being able to inflict pain on myself, but guess you never know how far you can go. Even when it's very deep however, it still doesn't feel satisfying enough. It's like it needs to go deeper and more severe. But I don't want to hit nerves or so. Sometimes i deliberately cut close to arteries, because that's when the real trance starts. Music and alcohol enchances my experience. I have so many SH songs. Songs that i can't listen anymore because they remind me of my self-harm experiences.

Why do I cut? Because i hate myself. Because i hate that i'm male. Because i feel inadequate and a constant need to excel in everything, to be the best in everything and i can't meet expectations. Because i'm bored and depressive (feelings go often together). Because i feel the need for a endorphin rush, and it's the quickest way to release them. It's so damn powerful. I don't know what my brains create, but it's crazy. It's painful when you cut, but when you already have cut, it doesn't hurt, no matter how deep it is. My parents say that i have a very high pain threshold and that's true, because they had to stitch a open bleeding wound that kept bleeding, and they couldn't stun it, so without anaesthastation they stitched something (and had to use scary tools bah). That was when i severed an arterie that wouldn't stop bleeding. I've also had an appendicitis, and i just had a little bit of pain. I had a pneunomia once, and never felt something from it, thinking i was faking pneunomia lol... or that the doctors were wrong. I've never ever felt pain in my life, probably because of a severe car accident when i was 1.5 years old, which probably did something to my pain threshold.

Who does know it? My parents and my family. I told my parents, and my family knows because my Dad just doesn't hide it anymore that I cut myself. My friends don't know however. But my Dad's family knows. I just don't care at all. They've never cared about me once. They might think i'm the weirdo or the crazy one, but they have issues on their own.
 

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I'm also under observation of a psychiatrist. I'm actually technically collocated, although i haven't seen my doctor since february because of COVID-19. I normally have to visit my psychiatrist every week, and he has to evaluate if i'm healthy enough or not, and when i'm not, i'm taken back into hospital by force. I got collocated because of "lifethreatening self-harm", and because i was a danger to myself and I couldn't guarantee my own safety. That's how they described it.

I will visit a psychologist next week... i wanted one four months ago, but she had no time and than COVID-19 delayed everything which made everything insanely hard for me. I'm just not doing well.

I started self harming pretty late in my life, but it was a ticking time bomb waiting to explode. I should've never tried it. I tried it because i was encouraged to do so by a girl who SH'd as well. She said SH caused relief and stun your bad emotions, and she was right. But when it did escalate, she urged me to stop, because i went too far.

All considered, i think SH is part of me, and just gives meaning to my life where I otherwise find trouble to find a reason to exist. I suffer from existential depression: why am i here? What should I do here? Why am i so unimportant? And more... it's like i fail to give a meaning to my life. I'm basically waiting to die... the sooner, the better. But I don't see myself as capable to kill myself, although I thought I was never able to cut myself as well... and almost caused my own death by it.

It's hard & tough stuff to read, but I needed to vent... And venting reliëfs my depression as well. I just need it.
 

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ISFP, I'll post because I score high on intuition. I struggled with self-harm when I had psychosis. Mainly burns with lighters, it was experimental, then the voices told me I had to. They pushed me further and further, they were punishing me.

I went too far, thankfully I have a phobia against it now, but I have some ugly scars. I wouldn't advise it because, at least for me, it was very, very hard to stop.
 
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