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Discussion Starter #1
So upon the crash and burn of my past few romantic escapades, I have started to realize the problem generally lies in that the guys I'm interested in turn out to be really huge douchebags. Not only that, but I sometimes actually realize they're huge douchebags, and yet I continue pursuing them, or put up with the less than desirable way they treat me. I can't decide if I just haven't been able to find a nice guy, or if I just look over them and decide to go for the more challenging jerk-offs.

The thing is, I don't even fully realize that the guys I'm interested in are that way until after things fizzle out. Then I look back on the situation and think, "hmm, I probably shouldn't have put up him acting that way..." But is it desperation, or something else? I was talking to my friend the other day and catching her up on my eventful summer, which involved a couple of different guys, and her response was "Wow... I didn't even know guys that horrible actually existed."

It's not even that I'm only attracted to NTs, who are the most stereotypically cold...though they do make up the majority of those who have broken my heart, I've also been screwed over by an ISTP and an ESFP. So it's not even a type thing. I just don't get why this is happening to me over and over again and why I have no power to change it.
 

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You need a hug :crying:
Well there's more like 3 types of guys I've seen in my life.

*The Douche bags - assholes that treat women like crap and use them just for there sexual purposes women are attracted to these types of guys because they seem so strong and attractive in some sort of way.
*The Indifferent- really don't care about relationship the will give it a try a try see if it works out then they will be a (Nice Guy) if they don't like it they will be a (dick)
* The nice guy who is very gentleman type caring loving and peaceful, understanding.

Notes
*Those are the three types I've seen .
* Sometimes douches can pretend to be a nice guy but soon find out later there complete dicks mainly STs and SJs (don't get me wrong but there are dick NFs NTs also).
* Indifferent guys are just plain and boring and don't give a shit I've seem to see these are NTs ( again other types can be this way too).
*The nice guy type usually NFs tend to be seen as push overs, weak and unwilling to stand up for themselves this is true sometimes but most of the time there are very strong outspoken and caring.

I'm more of a Nice Guy but I'm not weak, a push over or unprotective. As for the temperament types I've personally observed NF women go after NTs and NT men go after NF women. NF women to me seem to be the best type for me but dont get me wrong but other temperament types are just as awesome. Lately, I've been in crap relationships too and my hearts been broken too many times. Its more like a fractured bone with armored plating. So I kind of understand where your coming from.
You seem to be a very nice warm, friendly, funny person (from post observation). Sometimes the best people are treated the worst and the worst are treated the best.

P.S I'm still 17 but I know alot of stuff people same I'm very wise and intelligent for my age.
P.S.S I've been though 6 relationships in the last year and a half. None of them worked out. The only person I cared about broke my heart. My heart is like broken glass no matter how much I piece it back it will always be broken.
 
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Um... Don't take this the wrong way... but... It seems to me that it's a tendency of girls, in general, to pick out the "asshole" guys (At least, at our age, it is.). It's an observation that many guys like me have made over the years.

EDIT:

In your defense, however, the "asshole" types tend to be the ones that are more aggressive in getting the relationship in the first place. "Nice guys" (I like to include myself in this category... >_>) tend to just extend an alm in hopes of you returning it; most girls pick this up as a signal for friendship, and nothing more. From the limited pictures I've seen from your avatar, you look cute, which means that the "asshole" types would be more liable to try and hook up with you.
 

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^Agrees^ 10char
 

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Discussion Starter #5
Hardstyler, I actually found a lot of truth in your analysis. I think the type of guy I usually fall for is the aforementioned dick that pretends to be a nice guy, just long enough for me to get to know him, idealize him, and try to see the good in him after he starts to show his true colors.

I would much prefer the gentlemanly type, but as you mentioned, they aren't generally the chasers/pursuers, and I'm quite jaded in the sense that relationships I've initiated in the past have ultimately failed due to lack of mutual interest, making me far less likely to be the initiator at this point. I just don't have the confidence for it anymore. So there's the conundrum.

WMD, I agree with you, as well, as much as I'd like to deny being one of those stereotypical girls who enforces the "nice guys finish last" policy. I think it's possibly because, at 20, I'm still young enough to not be searching for my future husband just yet, so subconsciously I want to experiment and get to know, on a deeper level, the guys who would never be marriage material for me...? Who knows.

Also, you're both too kind.
 

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I think there is also a case for some girls going after the douche for the challenge and part of a larger project to change them - inevitably leading to disaster.
 
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*rolls eyes at typical "why do girls go after assholes" ponderment*

first of all, there's NO WAY the majority of girls go for dicks. it's maybe like a third will only go for them, a third will go for either and a third will go for nice guys. and no one will go for guys who are a pushover. in my experience i don't even want the girls who go for assholes- they can have them. but all women want excitement and unpredictability, and there are plenty of ways to provide that without being a douche.

i don't think it's something you should ponder about too much. thing is women work differently to men, in that certain behaviours "trigger" attraction in women more so than in men, and you can't help it. women don't "choose" guys consciously.. ever. they go by how they feel, and what you feel is beyond your reach to change. i wouldn't worry about it, sooner or later you'll realise subconsciously as well as consciously which guys are better for you. how many women like yourself end up with a douche in their 30s and 40s? i doubt many.

what i'm trying to say is that you can't just go "i'm going for the wrong guys, i'm going to change", it's something which happens with experience. but at the same time don't beat yourself up because of who you find attractive.
 

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*rolls eyes at typical "why do girls go after assholes" ponderment*

first of all, there's NO WAY the majority of girls go for dicks. it's maybe like a third will only go for them, a third will go for either and a third will go for nice guys. and no one will go for guys who are a pushover. in my experience i don't even want the girls who go for assholes- they can have them. but all women want excitement and unpredictability, and there are plenty of ways to provide that without being a douche.

i don't think it's something you should ponder about too much. thing is women work differently to men, in that certain behaviours "trigger" attraction in women more so than in men, and you can't help it. women don't "choose" guys consciously.. ever. they go by how they feel, and what you feel is beyond your reach to change. i wouldn't worry about it, sooner or later you'll realise subconsciously as well as consciously which guys are better for you. how many women like yourself end up with a douche in their 30s and 40s? i doubt many.

what i'm trying to say is that you can't just go "i'm going for the wrong guys, i'm going to change", it's something which happens with experience. but at the same time don't beat yourself up because of who you find attractive.
I agree with this, but I think you're forgetting your high school years. Luckily, I'm past those years, but there is credence to the idea that girls go for the "asshole" in a disproportionate amount (NOT a majority) of cases in high school and early college. In fact, I can think of two cases off the top of my head where the boyfriend ended up going to prison, but the girlfriends were just "madly in love" with these dicks. One ended up going back out with the guy, and he's completely a pushover.

Wait... I just thought of another one. She lives in Iowa now, thanks to him.

I think, in most cases, when a girl does go out with those "asshole" types, they eventually realize it and move on. It's definitely a learning experience. I've only had two girlfriends, but I'm slowly realizing how poorly they treated me in comparison to how I treated them. It happens on both sides, but guys tend to be a bit more blunt about their behavior overall, thus exemplifying the mistakes girls make in relationships. In reality, it's all the same: Nice guys get girls who treat them badly; nice girls get guys who treat them badly. We just tend to focus on the girls because it's easier. (I'm sorry that the girls tend to get the worse end of the stick in most cases. :sad:)
 

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a guy who went to prison AND is a pushover? wow.

i guess maybe i'm not qualified to comment on this. i've never found this to be a problem, and i've always gone for nice girls who like considerate guys. ok i'm not as overly "nice" as some guys who i notice post about this stuff on this very forum, but i'm definitely not in any way a jerk. ok i don't treat women like princesses all the time, but i am a gentleman when it counts. and i find girls who go for only badboys unnattractive.
so my only conclusion is that i'm some kind of exception to the rule and that maybe i simply don't understand the "predicament" of a lot of decent guys. so basically- i'm going to stop commenting on these types of issues.

1000th post!
it's an honour to join the 1000 club. i'd like to thank my family.. especially my mom for always believing in me.. and the server administrators without whom this wouldn't have been possible. when i was little i always dreamed of having 1000 posts on a personality typeology related theory forum and now it's come true. thhhhhhannnnnkkkkkkkk yooooooooooooooouuuu!!
 

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If 'asshole' is equated with confidence, macho, and 'I don't care' mystery, then, yes, a lot of girls go for that type of man or young man.

I think ENFPs are not necessarily more likely to pick 'assholes' but are more likely to accomodate others to make the relationship work, which can in essence, breed 'asshole' entitlement behavior and encourage less giving and emotional investment on the part of the person we accomodate. We ENFPs will try to make it work even when things are bad, especially if we're involved sexually.

And it's possible to pick guys who are distant or inaccessable in some way because on some level it might feel safer than whole-hearted love and vulnerability.

I would say, first, take your time getting sexually involved. Early sexual involvement often ends in feelings of entitlement, callousness and a breakup. Ask yourself if you are happy with this person. Is this how you want to be treated? Can you be happy with this much attention, love, talking, etc? Sometimes we're so busy making them happy, we leave ourselves out of the equation and we eventually resent that.
 

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I just don't get why this is happening to me over and over again and why I have no power to change it.
Don't say you have no power to change it! You are the only person who has the power to change it (and you do). I think it can be hard, because we NFP types can often find the best in someone in any circumstance (at least I find that to be true for me and other NFPs that I know), so it can be easy to over-look the red-flags or the ass-hole behaviour because you see the good stuff so well. It's not a bad characteristic, but for me, it's been a real learning process to be more discerning about the people who really are worth giving my time to. I'm still learning!

Also, I can get really attracted to challenge, so that can be a little bit of a trap in relationships, but I am becoming more aware of it.. My previous boyfriend was an ISTJ--basically my opposite in every way, except for the I part (I am a 50/50 split on the I and the E). At first, I loved the fact that we were so opposite--it was almost like an ultimate challenge to break through to him, and of course, I did not think that consciously, but in retrospect, I understand that that was a lot of the initial attraction for me. But after 2 years (don't they say that that is when the honeymoon/infatuation period has to end?), it wasn't so great anymore. I think we could have worked it out if we had both been more mature, but it really started to feel like a one way street for me (he may have felt the same thing). It's not to say that he was a bad person or a jerk or anything (ok, sometimes he really was a jerk to me, but I am sure he can find times to say the same about me, too....that's how the end of relationships can be), but I don't think we were able to understand each other really well....like we were speaking totally different languages in disagreements with the STJ/NFP dynamic....I started to feel like he didn't care about my emotions at all, even though I know he did, but we just experience and express and value our feelings differently, but I just couldn't FEEL warmth from him anymore....DEFINITELY not what I want in my next relationship, but I had to go through that experience to understand that, so I am grateful that I had that experience so I can learn.

And then the long-term relationship I had before that was an XNFP, like myself, and he just drove me crazy, in a bad way......too much like me? :) SO I don't know if it's all that much about type.

I would echo Tridentus and say don't worry about it. You seem young, from your avatar, and I imagine you have loads of time to find a good guy to have a long-term relationship with. I am in my late 20s and have had a handful of long-term relationships and a few rather short-term "flops," you could say. Some of the guys really did burn me or screw me over....but I know I wasn't perfect either, I am sure. It's just the nature of human relationships is that sometimes we hurt each others' feelings. I think especially when we are younger and figuring out what we want (and that period lasts longer with some people than it does for others....I don't think it necessarily has to do with type), we might not be totally clear about what we want ourselves, so it's hard to communicate that to others, and it seems like that is where people tend to get hurt the most--expectations and mis-communications about them.

But I honestly feel that each one of those dating experiences (with a "jerk" or otherwise) has helped me to understand more about myself and about what I want in a partner. And so have the times when I have been by myself, too. I would say don't worry about it, learn from it and you will find someone you are compatible with when the timing is right. At least that's how I hope it works, because that is what I am telling myself, too....:wink:
 

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I just don't get why this is happening to me over and over again and why I have no power to change it.
A agree with emu8: you have all the power to change this dynamic! The thing is, to try to be aware when you see a problem, that you are overlooking it, reframing or idealizing. Often, we're just attracted to mysteries, to people who excite us for whatever reason, maybe even the fact that they are cocky appeal to you.

A friend of mine always goes out with great looking guys, but then she feels super insecure and says, "He could have anybody." It's as if she goes into it thinking he will cheat eventually. The odds are, it's not going to work. I told her she could either pick a guy she doesn't think could "have anybody," or start working on getting over her insecurity. It comes from deep inside and changing it will not be easy. Each time a relationship fails, she uses it as confirmation that she picks bad ones, instead of learning along the way and maybe approaching it differently.

We all have to power to change; it just might take a little while.
 
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I don't know about falling for douchebags, but i LOVE it when people are mean to me. It's a challenge, and almost always in the end they start loving me :). So i really enjoy getting them to cross over to the dark side. This is part of the reason i'm so attracted to the INTJs that I meet. They're so terrible at first that it's hilarious... I love how they think they hate us until they find out who we are and then they LOVE us.

Some guy i met the other day sat next to me on the plane and said "hey loser". I thought it was the most awesome thing ever and we became friends by the end of the miserable 9 hour flight :p. That's why I like mean people. because I know that in the end, they will like me.

Now I sound like an egomaniac... but i guess it is what it is :tongue:
 

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I don't know about falling for douchebags, but i LOVE it when people are mean to me. It's a challenge, and almost always in the end they start loving me :). So i really enjoy getting them to cross over to the dark side. This is part of the reason i'm so attracted to the INTJs that I meet. They're so terrible at first that it's hilarious... I love how they think they hate us until they find out who we are and then they LOVE us.

Some guy i met the other day sat next to me on the plane and said "hey loser". I thought it was the most awesome thing ever and we became friends by the end of the miserable 9 hour flight :p. That's why I like mean people. because I know that in the end, they will like me.

Now I sound like an egomaniac... but i guess it is what it is :tongue:
I'm not attracted to rude people at all. Some people appear intimidating and that can be fun, however.

Were you two close in age to where he may have thought he was being casual or funny? As an ENFP you might have read his intent correctly and knew he didn't mean anything or just instantly reframed it as a challenge. We can have chemistry with opposites.

I am long over the need to be liked. I don't know if I ever consciously needed to liked, but now, when I'm not and I don't try to fix it, I feel empowered; I've grown up a lot.
 

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*rolls eyes at typical "why do girls go after assholes" ponderment*

first of all, there's NO WAY the majority of girls go for dicks.
Thank you a thousand thousand times! I never dated a single prick, at any age and tire of that generalization more than you could know.

I don't know what to say to the OP about making the same mistake, repeatedly. Honestly, I think I would take a break from dating and work on myself a bit. If they sense desperation, A-holes could be swooping in to take advantage.
 

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Oh god. why do my most embarrassing threads always get bumped?! this was approximately 14 months ago guys... and one month before I met my soulmate... I don't need love life advice anymore, thankfully!
It's ok. It's a great discussion; people will deal with this question at different times. Glad you met your soul mate!
 
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So upon the crash and burn of my past few romantic escapades, I have started to realize the problem generally lies in that the guys I'm interested in turn out to be really huge douchebags. Not only that, but I sometimes actually realize they're huge douchebags, and yet I continue pursuing them, or put up with the less than desirable way they treat me. I can't decide if I just haven't been able to find a nice guy, or if I just look over them and decide to go for the more challenging jerk-offs.

The thing is, I don't even fully realize that the guys I'm interested in are that way until after things fizzle out. Then I look back on the situation and think, "hmm, I probably shouldn't have put up him acting that way..." But is it desperation, or something else? I was talking to my friend the other day and catching her up on my eventful summer, which involved a couple of different guys, and her response was "Wow... I didn't even know guys that horrible actually existed."

It's not even that I'm only attracted to NTs, who are the most stereotypically cold...though they do make up the majority of those who have broken my heart, I've also been screwed over by an ISTP and an ESFP. So it's not even a type thing. I just don't get why this is happening to me over and over again and why I have no power to change it.
I think it might be more of a 4 thing. it sure as hell doesn't apply to me
 

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Perhaps an xNFP thing in general.
I suffer the same fate. Partially, because I'm a naive idiot. But that's beside the point.
I know what you're saying, some of these guys I know full well are assholes and I'm attracted to them anyway.
I like the funny, confident guys. Who tend to get a big ego when they realize how many girls go for funny, confident guys... sigh.
I think xNFP's have a tendency to bend for people, too. We like to please people. We try to fix things. So even if it isn't necessarily our fault, we assume the responsibility and try to fix the situation. We let them get away with it. People with personalities like that need someone that's more firm and resolute than an xNFP, someone who won't let them get away with shit. Unfortunately, those people aren't attracted to assholes. We are. ><
 

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A friend of mine was describing being in love with one of those as a gambling addiction. You hope each time to gain something, and you get just enough from them to keep trying, but in the end the house always wins.
 
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