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Discussion Starter #1
my ENTP exboyfriend/first love recently contacted me after what feels like eons.

We were together officially for two years. He was attracted to me from the start and I saw him as a best friend who after a romantic courtship, became my first love. We had exceptional chemistry in every facet of the relationship - intellectual, emotional, physical. We spent every day at school and afternoon together and after saying goodbye, could not wait to reconvene in our conversations on the phone at night. Our dynamic was very fun, spontaneous, loving and we could talk for hours - whether about our dreams for the future - so full of potential - or simply playful verbal sparring about nothing in particular. We learned there was nothing like being in love with your best friend. He showered me with romantic gestures that can only be rivaled by great poets like Pablo Neruda. The honeymoon period soon ended when the tumultuous fights began. The demands of university set in and the stress of not being able to balance a healthy relationship with school resulted in a mutual breakup - although more his decision than mine. He told me the never ending fights were what ultimately broke his heart.

In the years immediately following the break up, our close friendship still resembled a romantic relationship. In fact, most people still considered us a couple, and from most angles, we still acted like we were together. I insisted that we not become friends with benefits, thus the intimacy we shared was more emotional than physical. We still celebrated major landmarks together and were each other's valentine's for many years. Neither of us entered serious relationships with other people, so I was naively content with this arrangement until I realized that I was cheating myself of true commitment and a future that I deserve. I spoke to him about possibly getting back together many times but he saw nothing wrong with the current situation and while neither negating the possibility of romance in the future, insisted that the present was not a good time to get back together. I waited patiently (read: fooled myself into waiting) for three years until I finally could not handle the emotional manipulation anymore. He wanted my company but could not give me the commitment I wanted. I felt repeatedly heartbroken and by this point my self esteem was reduced to nil. In one of the most heartbreaking and angry fights we'd ever had, I finally decided to pick up what was left of my integrity and told him I had had enough. He hoped we could be best friends in the future but I could make no such promises.

Since moving on, I have had 1 serious relationship. My ex and I had a two hour phone conversation after 8 months of no communication (2 months into my new relationship). I called him after finding out that for my birthday party, my ex had insisted on paying for bottle service for the entire group so I called him to thank him for his generosity. The tempo of the conversation flowed seamlessly, and the chemistry was palpable. He conveyed to me that the past 8 months had been extremely difficult, that he missed me, that he still has a special place for me in his heart, and he hopes I am happy. He also admitted to not being able to find another girl with whom he shared the same level of intensity and chemistry. I spoke very little about my new relationship, as I wanted to focus on preserving a positive remnant of our past (considering that we had ended previously on such horrid terms). We called this our inflection point - that perhaps we have finally learned how to be friends again - made promises to keep in touch, but communication remained sparse. He often contacted me to hang out with a bigger group but i often opted out bc I was in grad school and was a long drive away.

Another year goes by and we no longer communicate. At an annual camping trip with friends, he and I were both present and by this point, familiar strangers. Also, I had broken up with my third boyfriend and was newly single. The dynamic of my ex and I was the strangest thing I had ever experienced. I caught him staring at me often, yet there was a thick, almost hostile tension between us. The few times we spoke directly to one another, we were cordial with one another but conversation remained superficial. After he became really drunk, he told mutual friends that he wanted to spend more time with me and wanted to put his sleeping bag next to mine. I did not reciprocate in any flirtation because I felt too cautious to step into one of his manipulations.

I texted him happy new year to which he replied. A month later, he called me randomly to catch up. We spoke for about twenty minutes. the conversation was, again quite superficial. we were both nervous and a bit awkward.

one last bit worth noting is he hasn't been in a relationship since ours.

To all the ENTPs reading this, can you please clue me in to some insight on what is going on with my ENTP ex? what does it appear he wants? also aren't ENTPs known for keeping doors that have been previously shut, tightly sealed? are his actions motivated by a bruised ego? can I trust that anything is sincere or is this all a game or some sort of affirmation seeking behavior? I am asking because a part of me still has deep feelings for him and am nervous about opening myself up again to potentially get hurt once again. I am hopeful that ideally we can become close friends again. Thanks in advance for any and all input!
 

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It might just be me, but I can't see where any doors were shut.He may have called it off, but it doesn;t sound like he burned any bridges. Besides, two years of churning butter solo can give any man cravings.

It sounds like he wouldn't turn you down if you offered, but he's not making the first move; maybe trying to set you up to do it, but hard to say.

I'm guessing you guys started dating in your early twenties, and are both a little past 25. ENTPs do mature, and neither of you are exactly the same person, so he may not be the exact same guy you knew. Depends on whether you still respect each other, which seems to be the case (one of you'd be feeling some loathing, which doesn't seem to be happening.
 

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Well I can't speak for him ... I can only speak for me. I have NEVER rekindled a relationship. actually I'm really only friends with 1 or 2 of my ex's (who were the ones I most connected with). I have, however "hooked up" with a few ex's in the past. In retrospect I'd say it's mostly just to feel like we used to feel for a night ... or something like that. In the end I find that whatever problems we had before were, without a shadow of a doubt, going to resurface if we started things back up again.
 
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We ENTPs are often indecisive, especially early in life. He may have not wanted to deal with all the baggage that comes with a post-honeymoon relationship and yet still have genuine feelings for you. If he still keeps the door open it sounds like he has not lost interest on some level. If he is not bored of you, that says something! (then again, you are an INFP, so of course he is not bored of you)

Life and relationships can be complicated. Maybe you should talk to him about where he's at and what he wants. He might need some prodding to open up beyond the superficial, but I think you will be happy to have everything out in the open.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
wow- thank you all for the prompt input! I appreciate the non-sugar coated honesty, which is in fact what I need to hear. also as an aside, I can't help but notice the subtle charm and confidence that ENTPs exude; it's obvious I still have a soft spot for ya'll.

I agree with many of the above statements. we have undeniably changed from the two people in the relationship and while rekindling a romance seems unlikely right now, it's not inconceivable IMHO. Primarily, I am curious whether we are still compatible, as I believe the respect is still present. what is the best means to rekindle a friendship with an ENTP? and how would one prod beyond the superficial in our case? he is so awfully private by nature and rarely opens up about his personal life. once again, thanks for your two cents :)
 

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I'm going to bed now, but you'll get more cents from me tomo while I'm at work goofing off.
 
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wow- thank you all for the prompt input! I appreciate the non-sugar coated honesty, which is in fact what I need to hear. also as an aside, I can't help but notice the subtle charm and confidence that ENTPs exude; it's obvious I still have a soft spot for ya'll.

I agree with many of the above statements. we have undeniably changed from the two people in the relationship and while rekindling a romance seems unlikely right now, it's not inconceivable. Primarily, I am curious whether we are still compatible, as I believe the respect is still present. what is the best means to rekindle a friendship with an ENTP? and how would one prod beyond the superficial in our case? he is so awfully private by nature and rarely opens up about his personal life. once again, thanks for your two cents :)
You won't know about compatibility till you go out a few times, but it sounds like you're curious enough, and it's not like you're wrecking an existing relationship to see. In all honesty, if you offered sex right now, do you think he would turn you down? Of course not, I'm sure that's not what you're probably after, but I just wanted to remind you of how us men think, entp or not.

What you want to know is whether he wants a relationship, and whether it will work for you. The only way you get to find that out is to let it happen. I'd be a fan of trying to set him up to make the first move, but as you point out, there's a lot of baggage in the way of that as you guys are being formal. Maybe go out for some coffee in the afternoon under the pretense of catching up, let time go by, and end up getting some drinks. If there's chemistry, it should show up, and you can decided how you want it to proceed. If not, then as my two kid sisters say "whatevah". If there is, then it's your call. Worse case scenario, you repeatthe last time with enough wisdom to recognize it early.
 

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We really can’t read his mind.

At that age (18-25), I remember girls pursuing me very aggressively for relationship and marriage. I think girls mature sooner, so they were ready to start a family, but I was just a broke student and didn’t feel ready to settle down. So I either had to let them go, or they got tired of waiting for me. Maybe you got tried of waiting for him and the fights were just the result of your frustration?
 

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Okay, he sounds like an idiot. I'm pretty sure ENTPs are guilty of that often enough... The guy played you about and needs to eat some humble pie. You should arrange to talk to him properly, and talk things out. Find out what he actually does want. I know of a few couples that have broken up because they fought and basically broke eachothers' hearts. But a few years later have gotten back together because having gained a few years have come to realise just what it is that they want from life and relationships, and as a result are in much better relationships now than they were in back then. It is interesting that your ENTP guy hasn't had any serious relationships since you.

Personally, I am aware that I am a commitment-phobe, I broke up with a fellow not too long ago because he came on too strong and scared me, I like to think that if I had been a few years older that things would have worked out much better because we definitely got on well and enjoyed eachother's company. Right now though, I don't want tied down. I'd say that your ex had the same battles with himself when he was going out with you. I imagine he was too young and wanted to see more of the world rather than being tied down. I'm not old enough or experienced enough to say what is going through his head now, but me - being an ENTP would say - take the risk. But that's what we ENTPs do, is it not? You yourself probably have learnt a lot between then and now and will know what you want from a relationship. That's why I say you should discuss with him at length about where you two are in your lives, and don't let him away with anything. And don't kid yourself either.
 

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The part I don't understand is the "commitment" thing. What kind of "commitment" did/do you want? Some overt ritual of popular culture where he gets down on one knee?

I admit, I was pretty much the same before (although not as commitment-phobic). Don't box me in. If the love and dedication I'm showing now are signs of commitment, then don't force things upon me. If everything is rosy, what more do you want? So maybe it's not that he didn't want commitment -- he just didn't want to be boxed into what someone else says "commitment" is/was.

Now, if you guys still have the hots for each other, you might as well just start again. You never know what the future will hold (and never will if you don't try).

A word of advice: don't think that he can just read your mind. An ENTP absolutely does not want withdrawn pouting. Instead, engage him in conversation (or tell him that you do want to talk about whatever's bothering you, just not now). If you shut down and then expect him to think everything's hunky-dory, that's a big problem.

And as for commitment now, even though you guys are older, again, don't box him in. Let him dig his own commitment pit and let him jump in himself. If you push him, you're back at square one.
 

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Discussion Starter #13 (Edited)
I agree that we ought to have a conversation that lays everything out clearly. now if only I can get over my shyness and contact him first!

In the past, he's proven countless times that he wants what he can't have. but when I make myself vulnerable and show him I still care, his ego is sufficiently boosted and there's never mention of a possible relationship despite the flirting and gifts. I realize though that is indeed the past and he could have changed.

I heard through the grapevine that he's been rather lonely lately and overworked and I mistook his initiating contact as a form of interest.. [as for the possibility of a booty call, that isn't really a possibility since I live out of state where I am attending medical school]. I know it's difficult to make generalizations, but how often do ENTPs have epiphanies in realizing they want back romantically someone from their past? and if said epiphany were reached, how likely is one to actually pursue it?

If this does not work out (and trust me, I am not holding my breath) I know I really do deserve so much more than what he's offered in the past and I see that now with such clarity! if things don't change I am letting this go once and for all! some things are simply not meant to be. thanks everyone for letting me air out my thoughts :) much love.
 

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entps have nothing but epiphanies and changes of heart. We live in a world where, when a situation changes we usually do too. Take this as a positive or negative (We can do long term relations regardless of this, btw. The real question for us is 'how much relationship maintenance can we do?")

To illustrate my above point, I still have the occasional (intrusive) thought run through my head on previous romances and limerences 'What if I did this with X?" Would it have worked out better? This is especially bad because our furthest function is extraverted sensing (the so called demon function), so when those thoughts bust in, we get to experience them in full color 3-d. Unpleasant, and not useful.

That said, long distance relationships are hard, and you're young. I think the numbers speak for themselves.
 

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Well I can't speak for him ... I can only speak for me. I have NEVER rekindled a relationship. actually I'm really only friends with 1 or 2 of my ex's (who were the ones I most connected with). I have, however "hooked up" with a few ex's in the past. In retrospect I'd say it's mostly just to feel like we used to feel for a night ... or something like that. In the end I find that whatever problems we had before were, without a shadow of a doubt, going to resurface if we started things back up again.
That would cover me too. It's so easy to idealise what you had because it made you feel good at the time, but that doesn't mean I'd ever rekindle something that didn't work, instead I will miss them and remember them fondly. Ex-sex is great though, for a moment of orgasmic intimacy.
 

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That would cover me too. It's so easy to idealise what you had because it made you feel good at the time, but that doesn't mean I'd ever rekindle something that didn't work, instead I will miss them and remember them fondly. Ex-sex is great though, for a moment of orgasmic intimacy.
It is?!
...Ew.
 

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Well there's a reason he/she/it is your ex in the first place.
I've had relationships end for reasons other than not loving and caring for them anymore, circumstance just meant it couldn't work anymore, they're the easiest to end up in bed with, friends who love each other.

Or maybe I just suck at intimacy.
 

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I've had relationships end for reasons other than not loving and caring for them anymore, circumstance just meant it couldn't work anymore, they're the easiest to end up in bed with, friends who love each other.

Or maybe I just suck at intimacy.
Intihmancy? Some sorta..... statue?
 
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