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Hi beautiful NFs,

So, long story short... my romantic life has been a roller-coaster. I parted with my ex a few months ago (I believed, and still believe to some degree that he's a soulmate... lots of unrequited love here) after being together for 2 years. It's left me struggling to believe that love exists out there for me. I know, it's petty and we all feel like that from time to time... but I've felt this deeply for my whole life, and every heartbreak has just put another nail in the coffin. I still want to believe that there is someone out there for me and that love does exist. But I'm really struggling to believe it.

I was wondering if any of you could recommend some great, genuine inspiration in the way of books, movies, articles or anecdotes to help me get through this. :)

Thanks guys! <3 <3
 
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I've been to all sorts of places, but keep coming back to Leonard. Nothing like an INFJ for an INFJ, eh?


The light came through the window
Straight from the sun above
And so inside my little room
There plunged the rays of love.

In streams of light I clearly saw
The dust you seldom see
Out of which the nameless makes
A name for one like me...

 



You can add up the parts
but you won't have the sum
You can strike up the march,
there is no drum
Every heart, every heart
to love will come
but like a refugee.


 



I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though it all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah.


 

 

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sorry/congratulations for the break up.

My post will be enough for you, I guess at least hypothetically.

The very fact you met your first Bf can give you enough hope to find someone(I mean you..you might've met him somewhere and initially as a friend and things started to go up from there and then ended up where you are now)..that might happen again and again as long as we try.

Sorry to disagree, but if I find my soulmate I won't ever leave her..2 years? duh!
 

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One of my favorite books is Persuasion (I don’t think I can get italics on my phone— sorry) by Jane Austen. The 1995 movie is excellent and the 2007 is nice too if you’d rather watch. It’s about finding love when all hope is lost. But I love the classics, so let us know what genres you like and we could probably recommend books and music more tailored to you.

Middlemarch is awesome if you ever felt trapped in something of your own making— but it’s— you know— you gotta like 1800s classics for that. Oh, Far From the Madding Crowd— the recent movie was wonderful too if you prefer movies.
Are you in the phase where sad things are comforting? Let us know.

It sounds like positive things are what you asked for. I wonder if your fellow INFJs (are you INFJ?) who are in committed relationships would mind telling you their love stories? I’ve heard some people’s stories on PerC before.

Something that was just so exquisitely wonderful to hear for me came from an older lady who had been married 50+ years or more. Why is this so rare to hear, I wonder? The people who have lived wonderful lives together and made it work for over 50 years? They should be studied. They should be able to hit us over the heads with what this experience feels like, IMO. I sat in rapture hearing her. In public, in a room full of women, she said, “My husband and I won’t be around much longer and you all know I’ve had such a wonderful life with my husband. We both realized that we have so few years to care for each other left and it makes everything I do for him so much richer. It was always a pleasure to serve him, but now just so much more so. I thank every day that I have to love him and he feels the same and it’s the most tender, rich feeling I’ve ever known.” I’m parphrasing, but very close to that. Since my love language isn’t service, I had to translate it to “time spent” to apply to me, but I thought it was amazing.

Anyway, hearing positive stories from other INFJs might help. You’d want to atart another thread, maybe.

I’ve been learning from enneagram lately. If one person is at a higher level of growth then the relationships desolve due to them not making sense anymore and there are conflicts to be worked through in every relationship (even good ones) so working at these head-on is important and working on yourself and your growth and to find other people who have worked on themselves is important. I know the above was not your question, but I always feel pretty much if there is a will there is a way and tools like this help me understand what went wrong and what to do to overcome problems next time.

On TED talks I think EVERY single person should see the “Mathematics of Love” all the way through. It’s very inspiring.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=yFVXsjVdvmY
 

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@llylaren

I might be deviating from the topic, but related to your comment(the video specifically). So , it was good imo not something to be highly recommended, especially since most of what is said is, impractical in real life. All I could take from that is" be yourself in front of everyone". Also, now a days the comment section is better than those videos themselves- one funny comment that stood out for me:
The REAL mathematics of love, be a man with enough money for it to matter to a female = love. :eek:h:

I know thats not the case, but ya know
 
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@Iamtheman25. That it what it boils down to, but I think it’s awesome to use math to show that. For an Ne the timing stuff was really helpful.

The girl’s counter to that: Win genetic lottery= love.
It’s not true, you know, really. We don’t leave the human species up to the 1% yet.
Anyway, that’s not what OP needs.

I had meant to put the enneagram type interaction site:
https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/the-enneagram-type-combinations/
 
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Discussion Starter #9
sorry/congratulations for the break up.

My post will be enough for you, I guess at least hypothetically.

The very fact you met your first Bf can give you enough hope to find someone(I mean you..you might've met him somewhere and initially as a friend and things started to go up from there and then ended up where you are now)..that might happen again and again as long as we try.

Sorry to disagree, but if I find my soulmate I won't ever leave her..2 years? duh!
TheMan - I read your post this morning and it actually made my day! Thank you for your honesty, it actually made me feel a lot better. :)
 

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Discussion Starter #10
One of my favorite books is Persuasion (I don’t think I can get italics on my phone— sorry) by Jane Austen. The 1995 movie is excellent and the 2007 is nice too if you’d rather watch. It’s about finding love when all hope is lost. But I love the classics, so let us know what genres you like and we could probably recommend books and music more tailored to you.

Middlemarch is awesome if you ever felt trapped in something of your own making— but it’s— you know— you gotta like 1800s classics for that. Oh, Far From the Madding Crowd— the recent movie was wonderful too if you prefer movies.
Are you in the phase where sad things are comforting? Let us know.

It sounds like positive things are what you asked for. I wonder if your fellow INFJs (are you INFJ?) who are in committed relationships would mind telling you their love stories? I’ve heard some people’s stories on PerC before.

Something that was just so exquisitely wonderful to hear for me came from an older lady who had been married 50+ years or more. Why is this so rare to hear, I wonder? The people who have lived wonderful lives together and made it work for over 50 years? They should be studied. They should be able to hit us over the heads with what this experience feels like, IMO. I sat in rapture hearing her. In public, in a room full of women, she said, “My husband and I won’t be around much longer and you all know I’ve had such a wonderful life with my husband. We both realized that we have so few years to care for each other left and it makes everything I do for him so much richer. It was always a pleasure to serve him, but now just so much more so. I thank every day that I have to love him and he feels the same and it’s the most tender, rich feeling I’ve ever known.” I’m parphrasing, but very close to that. Since my love language isn’t service, I had to translate it to “time spent” to apply to me, but I thought it was amazing.

Anyway, hearing positive stories from other INFJs might help. You’d want to atart another thread, maybe.

I’ve been learning from enneagram lately. If one person is at a higher level of growth then the relationships desolve due to them not making sense anymore and there are conflicts to be worked through in every relationship (even good ones) so working at these head-on is important and working on yourself and your growth and to find other people who have worked on themselves is important. I know the above was not your question, but I always feel pretty much if there is a will there is a way and tools like this help me understand what went wrong and what to do to overcome problems next time.

On TED talks I think EVERY single person should see the “Mathematics of Love” all the way through. It’s very inspiring.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=yFVXsjVdvmY
Thank you so much Llyralen! You've given me heaps to work with here, and I intend to look into each of your suggestions! :D <3 Also, couldn't agree more about learning from older women who have made their relationships work for decades! So much wisdom to learn from. :) :)
 

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My vehicle is INFP, 9w8. Vroom vroom!!
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I parted with my ex a few months ago (I believed, and still believe to some degree that he's a soulmate... lots of unrequited love here) after being together for 2 years. It's left me struggling to believe that love exists out there for me.
Hi!

It takes 2 to love. 100% and 100%. If you loved your ex, but your ex didn't love you, it wasn't a true loving relationship.

My INFJ boyfriend comes from a longterm relationship where he loved 100%, making full use of his mature, hopeful, selfless, and strong character. But she did not put in 100%, was unfaithful to him, and they were not able to continue the relationship. Similarly, I was in a relationship with someone, and I gave my 100% because I thought it was going to lead to marriage, and it was important for me to try my best to compromise and make things work. He wasn't working as hard as me, and I couldn't work hard enough, so I ended the relationship.

It's a shock to my boyfriend, now, how easy and natural it is to open up to me, and how comfortable it feels to be himself. It's a shock to me, now, how simple and natural it is to get along with somebody, and how I don't have to work to be loved, admired, and appreciated.

My inspirational thing to say is just take a load off! Don't try to force a relationship. It won't ever work—because if it does "work", someone will be hurting very badly. Don't work for someone to love you. If they love you, you won't have to impress them. It's the difference between life in angst and misery, and life where you can be supported in being a better you. Don't work for love, work because of it.

I've only known my guy for 4 weeks now—I speak from the infatuation/honeymoon stage. But if we part ways, what we had/have has changed my perspective on this whole "love" thing. I'll accept nothing less, and I can't imagine more. It's been fantastic, and I hope it continues to be.
 

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Hi beautiful NFs,

So, long story short... my romantic life has been a roller-coaster. I parted with my ex a few months ago (I believed, and still believe to some degree that he's a soulmate... lots of unrequited love here) after being together for 2 years. It's left me struggling to believe that love exists out there for me. I know, it's petty and we all feel like that from time to time... but I've felt this deeply for my whole life, and every heartbreak has just put another nail in the coffin. I still want to believe that there is someone out there for me and that love does exist. But I'm really struggling to believe it.

I was wondering if any of you could recommend some great, genuine inspiration in the way of books, movies, articles or anecdotes to help me get through this. :)

Thanks guys! <3 <3
The moment you let your ability to love be in the hand of a singular person, you've created a fragile way to live IMO. It took me a long time to realize is that love is more of a constant quality throughout (my) life that impacts all interactions with everyone. I call it being love.

What you experienced most likely was your bodies chemistry having gone out of balance in order to promote pair bonding. Whatever feelings you had where distorted most likely. I doubt you will find someone out there that can bring a lasting experience of love if you yourself are not creating that experience of love.

For example, If I ever were to meet you, why would I prefer your company if you don't have the ability to truly happy on your own? What is attractive about neediness? Relationships seem more of a complementary thing where two already enjoyable lives are brought together to benefit from the synergy it brings. The stereotypical thought of merging yin/yang-dominated styles in the external world is a very fragile and dependent situation.

I hope you find what you're looking for :heart:
 

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Elton John is a good place to start...


In all honesty, I find much inspiration in the music of Enya. Seriously. I had an awful day at work about a year ago, one of those Calgon days, and somehow I ended up on the couch mindlessly watching one of those YouTube videos of scenes from the British Isles set to Enya's greatest hits. I didn't even realize what was happening, but I was mesmerized by this thing and watched the entire hour-plus. By the end of it, I was almost buoyant again and shopping for flights to Dublin. It was amazingly powerful, especially for something that so many consider cliché.

The upshot is, find beauty when and where you can, even if it comes in a package lacking in the modishness given of epicurean approval. Pets help too.
 

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The moment you let your ability to love be in the hand of a singular person, you've created a fragile way to live IMO. It took me a long time to realize is that love is more of a constant quality throughout (my) life that impacts all interactions with everyone. I call it being love.

What you experienced most likely was your bodies chemistry having gone out of balance in order to promote pair bonding. Whatever feelings you had where distorted most likely. I doubt you will find someone out there that can bring a lasting experience of love if you yourself are not creating that experience of love.

For example, If I ever were to meet you, why would I prefer your company if you don't have the ability to truly happy on your own? What is attractive about neediness? Relationships seem more of a complementary thing where two already enjoyable lives are brought together to benefit from the synergy it brings. The stereotypical thought of merging yin/yang-dominated styles in the external world is a very fragile and dependent situation.

I hope you find what you're looking for
Omfg she didn’t say anything about her having a hard time loving another; her words read more like she’s concerned about the likelihood that she’ll find the “complementary thing where two already enjoyable lives are brought together to benefit from the synergy it brings”. Who said she’s putting her ability to love into the hands of one person or not creating that experience of love or that she’s being needy? Jesus, I’m so tired of people implying that someone is needy or thirsty when all they’re desiring is the natural, human experience of a healthy relationship where both parties meet at the table with mutual trust, care, love, and respect. What is it with people reacting to that like it’s some kind of weakness or character flaw?

She’s a few months out of a 2-year relationship that she was clearly invested in (and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that btw). She’s hurting. It’s more visceral and raw than the energy of her body being out of sync with his. That sounds so impersonal, like she should stand aside from it and cause it to mean nothing.

I’m sure you meant well, but your message came across sounding like the messy human experience of heartache and self-doubt is so beneath you. Try being a little more sensitive and respectful of the fact that she’s grieving a profound loss. Making her pain sound undignified is NOT helping.
 

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@soulareclipse

I was just sharing my own experiences and perspectives that I'm aware of, which are my way of making sense of the messy human experiences, which seems to be different from how you choose to experience it. I do agree I was being very direct in what I wrote, perhaps too much for a situation like this, I will try to be more sensitive in the future.
@chiptheghost

I really meant it when I said that I hope you find what you're looking for. Ultimately there are people out there, just have to find them, and in the mean time process your experiences, so that when the time is right you can have a new experience with that person.
 

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I believe someone I can love exists, but, it's probably less rare than someone who can love me and it's rarer than latter that we can love each other.

Thinking; there are millions of potential people I may encounter out there that I can establish mutual love helps a little.

I found love twice but it was one-sided. I never expected that I would encounter them. You never know. Love may be disguised as random people walking on the street, a person who lives in the same neighborhood, an employee you work in the same building, a person who lives where you may never be, etc. but somehow you may never encounter them or even if you encounter them, somehow the mutual connection may never establish. I don't know how many times I may missed the real love. Let's not dwell on it.

Yeah, it may sound silly but finding the real love is similar to finding a legendary pokemon (it's from a video game: Pokemon (especially the older ones)) IMO. You have to search every corner to learn where they live. After you find out where they live, you have to fight with another pokemons over and over again to encounter the legendary pokemon. You have to try hard to find the legend... *ahem* real love.
 

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Other Lives and Dimensions and Finally a Love Poem
by Bob Hicok

My left hand will live longer than my right. The rivers
of my palms tell me so.
Never argue with rivers. Never expect your lives to finish
at the same time. I think

praying, I think clapping is how hands mourn. I think
staying up and waiting
for paintings to sigh is science. In another dimension this
is exactly what's happening,

it's what they write grants about: the chromodynamics
of mournful Whistlers,
the audible sorrow and beta decay of "Old Battersea Bridge."
I like the idea of different

theres and elsewheres, an Idaho known for bluegrass,
a Bronx where people talk
like violets smell. Perhaps I am somewhere patient, somehow
kind, perhaps in the nook

of a cousin universe I've never defiled or betrayed
anyone. Here I have
two hands and they are vanishing, the hollow of your back
to rest my cheek against,

your voice and little else but my assiduous fear to cherish.
My hands are webbed
like the wind-torn work of a spider, like they squeezed
something in the womb

but couldn't hang on. One of those other worlds
or a life I felt
passing through mine, or the ocean inside my mother's belly
she had to scream out.

Here when I say "I never want to be without you,"
somewhere else I am saying
"I never want to be without you again." And when I touch you
in each of the places we meet

in all of the lives we are, it's with hands that are dying
and resurrected.
When I don't touch you it's a mistake in any life,
in each place and forever.

--

Check out poems by Pablo Neruda. Reading these things make me wonder just how much love one person can feel for another.
 
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