[Zeitgeist]

Hey ENFJs!

My best friend is an ENFJ and I love her dearly but sometimes I wish she came with an instruction manual so I know how to better deal with her and get her to jive with my energy levels better. Here's some things I've noticed about her.

• She always wants to talk to me, all the time. Her texts are like novellas and any time she has an emotion, she wants me to come over and listen to her talk about it for 5 hours. I am an introvert and I don't always have the energy to be there for her. If I don't answer her texts or go for very long without visiting her so she can "talk", she gets really upset with me! One time she gave me the silent treatment for about 2 weeks! Or if I see her next, she pouts and complains that I never call her or answer my phone, lol. How do I let her know she's still important even if I need my alone time?
• She falls in love too easily and pours her heart and soul into relationships prematurely. I worry about her getting hurt when I see warning flags about the guy that he may not be what she thinks he is. I just want her to be happy, how do I get her to see the signals clearly and take relationships more slowly and be a little more detached?
• She stresses way too much. She's always running around making plans for this and that or taking care of this and that. She freaks if plans fall through or details aren't handled perfectly. She means well by trying to make everything perfect and special but she often kills herself over it. She can even sometimes bit a tad controlling in that department which is why I won't ever be her roommate. How do I get her to relax more and let the chips fall where they may?

Any other advice would be great. I feel pretty protective over her and I just want her to chill a bit and emotionally guard herself just a little from emotional turmoil. It would be unfair to say that she is a "high maintenance" friend because I could just be short-sighted in that I rely heavily on my own thoughts and fantasies versus other people for comfort. But sometimes it does feel that way. She has a million other great qualities to make up for those things that I just wrote about but how do I help her achieve more balance in herself and more balance in our friendship?

 

[forestgirl]

lol, she sounds like an unhealthy ENFJ who hasnt taken control of her personality. I'd say probably explaining that your an introvert, that you care about her deeply but that you need some space. Put it tactfully. Try to tell her to calm down. What I do with an ENFJ person I know is I talk to him logically, but let him come to conclusions, like say- "Actually, if you get to worked up about something, you could burn out without the energy to finish," or "stressing over a failed something never fixes it. Just try again."
These usually work.Dont be too judgmental but tactfully give her advise so that it seems you are making observations rather than passing judgment

 

[Zeitgeist]

lol, she sounds like an unhealthy ENFJ who hasnt taken control of her personality. I'd say probably explaining that your an introvert, that you care about her deeply but that you need some space. Put it tactfully. Try to tell her to calm down. What I do with an ENFJ person I know is I talk to him logically, but let him come to conclusions, like say- "Actually, if you get to worked up about something, you could burn out without the energy to finish," or "stressing over a failed something never fixes it. Just try again."
These usually work.Dont be too judgmental but tactfully give her advise so that it seems you are making observations rather than passing judgment

Thanks, I think I'll actually take that advice. I'm also going to encourage her to memorize her cognitive functions and discover how and when she uses them in what order and combinations. She seems to be overtly controlled by Fe without a really strong Ni to support it, though I catch glimpses of strong Ni in her sometimes. But sometimes she'll regretfully use Ni to feed Fe delusions such as "I have a feeling that X is going to surprise me with a sudden visitation!" and I have to bring her back to reality. I see elements of myself in her, but from a Ne feeding into Fi perspective. I also totally get the whole "pouring your heart and soul" into things. I do the same thing! Except I do it quietly so that no one notices whereas she will announce from the rooftops that she loves someone!

So I want to focus on the more "controlling" aspect of her which creates conflict over really small things, like what I eat, how I cook something or handle a particular task. She wants to "take over" or give me instructions, rules, and a schedule for the order of things to be done. LOL. She doesn't "go with the flow" and I sometimes feel a tad suffocated by her. HELP! What do I do?

 

[forestgirl]

hmmm, thats a hard one- I have to deal with very controlling people and I can tend to be picky and controlling myself though I force myself to be more laid back about things. She has to face up to the fact shes controlling and deal with it herself- perhaps seeing herself in the same light that others see her in will help her change, although she will be hurt. But other than that, I dont know how to change a controlling person, their very stubborn and not liable to change (my own trait.) With me however, I look and watch and learn and learn from others mistakes- so I am aware of my own problems more. Thats why I think knowing your MBTI is good so that you are aware of your problems, to face and fix them. You cant change if your not aware there is a problem!

 

[Malachi]

Um I noticed I have many of those same traits...It's hard because I notice them but get so caught up in the moment I forget to try and not do it.

 

[Zeitgeist]

Um I noticed I have many of those same traits...It's hard because I notice them but get so caught up in the moment I forget to try and not do it.

I still love her and would do anything for her. She's a good person, she's got a big heart and I know she'd take a bullet for me so I'd never give her up. I just want to improve our relationship. I hope you didn't take that to mean that you're like, unloveable or something. :-( I would never suggest that.

 

[Malachi]

I still love her and would do anything for her. She's a good person, she's got a big heart and I know she'd take a bullet for me so I'd never give her up. I just want to improve our relationship. I hope you didn't take that to mean that you're like, unloveable or something. :-( I would never suggest that.

Nothing like that. I just notice how those are annoying traits and can be very off putting. I just want to be able to make my friends lives better not harder. So I have things I need to work is all. I wasn't offended at all by what you said. It's all good
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