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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
So I'm wondering if anyone else experiences this..

I spent a lot of my time alone behind the computer every day (working) and I barely see anyone except for family members and some friends every now and then. So the longer I spent alone, the less intense I seem to feel. I don’t know, it feels like feeling is slowly shifting to thinking. And I'm talking about every sort of feeling here: motivation, happiness, good music, sadness, interest, excitement, purpose, hope etc.

So recently I had a family reunion which was fun and all, jokes being made, laughing and having a good time. Day later I'm feeling stuff with a much higher intensity. Which is nice and all, I like feeling things. When I was 13 I once spent 1 entire day feeling pure love, and spent the next 5 years knowing what regret, sadness and depression felt like. But I loved every second of it. Over the years I developed some kind of nostalgia for it. When anything external is in the perfect condition it can trigger this melancholy feeling that feels so fucking good. I remember walking outside somewhere in autumn. It wasn't really cold, but the air had this winter sort of smell. This smell triggered something and suddenly I was sent to the past feeling with the same intensity I did back then. I just wanted to hold onto it, feel it with all my heart, knowing it doesn't last long. But as soon as I realized it, it disappeared.

It’s different you know. You can think back and feel the past through your thoughts (more like remembering your feelings and then trying to imitate them) or something external triggers you and you actually feel like you’re back in the past. Even if it’s just for a second. Songs used to be able to do this pretty well. But they lose power the more you listen to them.

I wish I could just feel new feelings. The present. Attach new music and imagery to new moments and together they can form new memories. In the deep space of my soul, the strong feelings I was once able to conjure, just drifted away. I don’t remember them very well anymore. The more time that passes, the further they go, the less detail I can recall. I can’t really feel sad about it neither because I’m forgetting what it was anyway. Just empty. Nothing. I’m guessing that’s where depression comes in.

Can anyone tell me how to just not give a shit and feel again like I did when I was a young? I want to fall in love again. I realized it’s pretty much the only thing I care about. I don’t know if it can be done twice, since there is only space for one. Maybe I became way too self-conscious to do it.

Screw it, I just want to live in some forest cabin spending my days making cool stuff like the Primitive Technology guy on YouTube does, eating healty food and getting connected with nature instead of living in a society I can’t feel more disconnected from.

But damn it I can’t do that neither, because happiness is only real when shared right?
 

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I figured out a few things on this topic a few days ago and the biggest take aways from it were:

To always remember what it means to be me, to express myself wholely and openly, in all my love, affection, care, kindness and appreciation I have for people— But also to seek it form others. These are my highest values in life and doing them and receiving them make me feel most alive which is why I have a few friends with which I can do this with in varying degrees and ways.

And that's not even the important part, the important part was to value yourself, if you can't say that you love and like yourself and 'feel' it there's something a bit... broken inside, you might have self-esteem in that you believe you are capable of things but your self-worth (which is often really low for a lot of infjs sadly) is either completely ambivalent or negatively valued.
I was fine with people expressing their love, joy and appreciation of my presence but I never really 'fully' accepted it either, it was would very rarely move me to tears and the basic reason behind that is because I didn't believe I did anything worthy of their feelings, I just didn't feel like I could 'have' love, affection and care from others (childhood stuff that happened from a really young age..).

In the last 3 days (and still) I've been screaming out loud at the top of my lungs a lot, crying, angry, furious (doing some boxing), going for walks for hours, happy, ecstatic, sad and hopeful.. which is something I never really thought I would be. All these emotions were faced inwards towards myself, because I believe if you 'feel' for yourself then you know you are worth something, that you want something from yourself.

So argue with yourself, grieve over yourself for what you've lost, for what you've given up in life. Get really pissed off over the things you decided not to allow yourself to have in life because it all goes to shit when you compromise on yourself.

Other tid bits that are also important that I figured out a few years ago: Don't hide your empathy or who you are, if you don't express yourself you'll never know how you truly feel about something and if you hide your empathy you're squashing down a very intrinsic part of you. Learn to live with them both, learn to accept that others have needs, emotions, wants and wishes that don't have to be your own, that you don't have to take on from others. But most of all, don't stop empathising because when you block out that part of you, you also block out your own feelings.

Eventually, you'll be able to feel so much just by playing with your imagination and allowing your mind to roam free, idealising, playing scenarios out and day dreaming.

I spent a few years deliberately not thinking or utilising my logic in any technical way, I used it to better understand my emotional world instead, and about a year ago now I realised that I don't 'day dream' or allow myself to 'play' in my head so I took a while to figure out why that was and it was because pragmatism is a large part of me. It just didn't allow me to 'let go'.

Most important though, is to never stop exploring what things mean to you, I remember when I was really young I would take ages to figure everything out because I wanted to know what everything meant or their 'whys'. Explore internally and externally, learn and grow into who you want to be; Look for it in others because with empathy, come's this amazing ability to emulate and absorb personality traits, you'll have so much to learn from others.
 
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