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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I sense that this is something common within us, that is if we develop strong feelings for anyone at all.

I've been interested in this guy who I'm guessing is an ENFP as he is friendly and pretty touchy-feely with girl friends. He seems to flirt with us a lot. Anyway, even if the feelings were returned I'd still feel uncomfortable with starting and maintaining a relationship with this guy. Relationships are too much work and I don't need one extra thing to worry about while I'm serious about school and battling depression and anxiety.
 

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There's the friends with benefits option f you want to reduce the level of obligation, but be wary of attachment. It sounds as if you view romantic relationships as a burden rather than a give and take situation. What about the idea of it causes you to expect the benefits wouldn't outweigh the effort involved? Is it trepidation due to a lack of experience? Maybe you don't think you're ready? Though, i'm not sure i've ever felt ready for anything, you learn by jumping in even so. Endless thoughts without actions circle around, a dead end. You're not even sure he's interested yet. Are your reasons only and justifiably what you profess, or rationalized excuses?
 

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Back away from the ENFP now, quietly leave the room and evade all further contact. Otherwise you will find yourself with an unintended boyfriend. :laughing: The key here is to force separation before he smells INTJness on you and latches on.
 

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Back away from the ENFP now, quietly leave the room and evade all further contact. Otherwise you will find yourself with an unintended boyfriend. :laughing: The key here is to force separation before he smells INTJness on you and latches on.
Kind, INTJ- respectfully I disagree with your advice... it's the detachment that ENFP's sense. At least, for me-- it's the first signal (sensing desire with sudden aloofness) that something is there worth exploring, or chasing. Is he a chaser? I like ENFPs- but I don't feel sexual attraction to them because it feels like leading them on. Whereas the detachment... oh, a challenge!

My advice, if you don't want to date, but like him as a friend- is to act like a friend. And allow yourself to do off-putting things so that the ENFP feels you have the familarity and fraternity of buddies. Formality is so refreshing and allows so much imagination- *that's* the catnip.

If he's really ENFP, he won't make a *serious* first move, but he'll wriggle and display and moreso until *you* make the first move. Then it's all over but the snogging.

ADDITIONALLY: We smell INTJ before you even entered the room. Just because we're silly, and skip words, and our logic makes no sense to *you* doesn't mean we can't peg you instantaneously--- if we're worth our salt. If he hasn't matured yet, or hasn't become self-actualized yet- you stand a better chance.

(Going on the experience of seven years of friendship, finding his fetish, discovering I liked it, and spammed it til he couldn't resist his sex urges anymore. So you know where I'm coming from, from my perspective. We're great FWBs- spending time together *maybe* twice or three times a year, and keeping in contact mainly through email. LDR helps here.)
 

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I tend to detach from that sort of situation, knowing I'd only be interested in a serious relationship if I were interested at all, but it's actually really rare for me to be romantically interested in someone without the expectation of a relationship. I find myself attracted to people who are as committed as I am.
 

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I sense that this is something common within us, that is if we develop strong feelings for anyone at all.

I've been interested in this guy who I'm guessing is an ENFP as he is friendly and pretty touchy-feely with girl friends. He seems to flirt with us a lot. Anyway, even if the feelings were returned I'd still feel uncomfortable with starting and maintaining a relationship with this guy. Relationships are too much work and I don't need one extra thing to worry about while I'm serious about school and battling depression and anxiety.

Hmm. Usually I opt with the "I won't develop feelings of attachment for another human being unless I want to deal with the fall-out of that attachment" route, but I feel like if I'm interested in someone romantically but I'm not interested in a relationship, it's because I fear the ambiguity of being in a relationship - when you bring in a variable into your predictable equation, it kind of just messes shit up. I think we as INTJs have a fear of losing control over our actions and having to cater even just a bit, to the other person in the relationship. At least that's what I think, and could see and have seen myself doing, before I stumbled into my current relationship.

Somehow I ended up with a guy who respects me for my intelligence and my intuition, and doesn't feel like his masculinity is threatened when I beat him in friendly debates ad have the last word. :p On the plus side, he also is okay with me being a vacant, emotionless robot sometimes. I remember on our first dates when I told him "Be careful, I know that sometimes I can be abrasive and distant, and I usually make people hate me at first impression regardless of what I do, and I'm emotionally aloof, but don't say I didn't warn you." He said "oh, okay, cool" and told me after a year to date that "You don't seem aloof, and you haven't pissed me off once." So, idk. I think I lucked out, but going back to your topic I can remember when I was younger that I at once wanted to be romantically involved with someone, but didn't want to risk a relationship for a fear of shit I couldn't control happening. :p
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
There's the friends with benefits option f you want to reduce the level of obligation, but be wary of attachment. It sounds as if you view romantic relationships as a burden rather than a give and take situation. What about the idea of it causes you to expect the benefits wouldn't outweigh the effort involved? Is it trepidation due to a lack of experience? Maybe you don't think you're ready? Though, i'm not sure i've ever felt ready for anything, you learn by jumping in even so. Endless thoughts without actions circle around, a dead end. You're not even sure he's interested yet. Are your reasons only and justifiably what you profess, or rationalized excuses?
I have no relationship experience whatsoever and maybe being a late bloomer has me terrified of starting now because I feel behind in the dating game. I never was concerned with dating in high school, but I admit that I have developed this strange curiosity over it now that I'm in my 20's. As a result, my crushes have become more intense and I've noticed myself trying to cover and deny my feelings. Perhaps I'm still not used to overwhelming emotions like this, and a lot of times I'm not sure if I enjoy having crushes.
 

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I sense that this is something common within us, that is if we develop strong feelings for anyone at all.

I've been interested in this guy who I'm guessing is an ENFP as he is friendly and pretty touchy-feely with girl friends. He seems to flirt with us a lot. Anyway, even if the feelings were returned I'd still feel uncomfortable with starting and maintaining a relationship with this guy. Relationships are too much work and I don't need one extra thing to worry about while I'm serious about school and battling depression and anxiety.
Relationships don't have to be tons of work, and actually the right ones aren't and they can enhance your life. That being said I personally wouldn't start a relationship with someone that I couldn't see a long term future with, too much heartache and headache in store down the line in my opinion, not to mention what happens if there's a kid or STD's (and no birth control or protection is not 100%, actually far from it over time - see article about birth control effectiveness over time here: http://www.nytimes.com/interactive/2014/09/14/sunday-review/unplanned-pregnancies.html?_r=0 ).

It's hard to be with someone for very long without getting pretty attached, so if you know it isn't going to work out up front I don't see why you would even start. Now if you think there is a possibility of a long term connection then I'd say go for it, life is short and there will always be something to keep you busy so that isn't really an excuse unless you plan on living your life alone.
 

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I have no relationship experience whatsoever and maybe being a late bloomer has me terrified of starting now because I feel behind in the dating game. I never was concerned with dating in high school, but I admit that I have developed this strange curiosity over it now that I'm in my 20's. As a result, my crushes have become more intense and I've noticed myself trying to cover and deny my feelings. Perhaps I'm still not used to overwhelming emotions like this, and a lot of times I'm not sure if I enjoy having crushes.
So you don't want a relationship but maybe you do? Is that what this thread is about? If you think it's too much for you, I suggest you hold off. If you are just scared because you are inexperienced, maybe give it a try. It's not like you have to jump into bed with the guy or vow lifelong devotion. You could just go for a walk with him, and see how it feels.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
I have no relationship experience whatsoever and maybe being a late bloomer has me terrified of starting now because I feel behind in the dating game. I never was concerned with dating in high school, but I admit that I have developed this strange curiosity over it now that I'm in my 20's. As a result, my crushes have become more intense and I've noticed myself trying to cover and deny my feelings. Perhaps I'm still not used to overwhelming emotions like this, and a lot of times I'm not sure if I enjoy having crushes.
So you don't want a relationship but maybe you do? Is that what this thread is about? If you think it's too much for you, I suggest you hold off. If you are just scared because you are inexperienced, maybe give it a try. It's not like you have to jump into bed with the guy or vow lifelong devotion. You could just go for a walk with him, and see how it feels.
I'm torn between actual fear and placing a higher priority on school and work. Due to my busy schedule, I feel that there would be periods where my SO would feel neglected. I do need longer periods to recharge, sometimes cutting off contact with people for as long as a couple of weeks. I'm terrified he'd leave me because of this. But again, I cannot predict the future no matter how hard I plan for everything in advance. I will give it a shot if he gives me a chance though.
 

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I am currently dating an ENFP, please don't worry about them feeling neglected. They, or least the one I have, are very understanding and considerate. I only have to tell him: hey I'm having an exam and I am really nervous. or like:I am really busy these days etc, talk about my needs nicely, and he understands and gives me some time to recharge. It is not hard to maintain the relationship neither, I just make sure to talk to him at least once a day, then he is satisfied.

Overall: A+ :tongue:
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I am currently dating an ENFP, please don't worry about them feeling neglected. They, or least the one I have, are very understanding and considerate. I only have to tell him: hey I'm having an exam and I am really nervous. or like:I am really busy these days etc, talk about my needs nicely, and he understands and gives me some time to recharge. It is not hard to maintain the relationship neither, I just make sure to talk to him at least once a day, then he is satisfied.

Overall: A+
Thank you for your input. That must be very relieving.
 

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I'm torn between actual fear and placing a higher priority on school and work. Due to my busy schedule, I feel that there would be periods where my SO would feel neglected. I do need longer periods to recharge, sometimes cutting off contact with people for as long as a couple of weeks. I'm terrified he'd leave me because of this. But again, I cannot predict the future no matter how hard I plan for everything in advance. I will give it a shot if he gives me a chance though.
Believe it or not there are actually people out there that understand this. You won’t know if he is one until you find out.
 

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I'm torn between actual fear and placing a higher priority on school and work. Due to my busy schedule, I feel that there would be periods where my SO would feel neglected. I do need longer periods to recharge, sometimes cutting off contact with people for as long as a couple of weeks. I'm terrified he'd leave me because of this. But again, I cannot predict the future no matter how hard I plan for everything in advance. I will give it a shot if he gives me a chance though.
If that's all it is then I'd just be up front with him with exactly what you said here. He can decide from there whether or not he's ok with that, if he's not then you are no worse off than you are today, if he is then you've got someone to be with in the little spare time you have. A lot of guys will understand, everyone goes through busy times in their lives.
 

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I have a similar problem with committing to relationships, when I become overwhelmed and stressed I can cut myself off and not think/care how this effects the other person, plus I'm paranoid as hell but that's another story. I think you should apply different rules to relationships than you do other areas of your life if you can, it's not about having long term plans and goals but a more fluid one day at a time experience, try and see it more of an escapism from your work and illnesses, instead of another thing in your life that causes you stress and limitation it could be something that gives relief, support and ultimately love.
 

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All the time. Sometimes I feel a bit lonely or think it'd be nice to have some one close, but when I think about everything else that comes with a relationship I know I'd be very unhappy in one.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
All the time. Sometimes I feel a bit lonely or think it'd be nice to have some one close, but when I think about everything else that comes with a relationship I know I'd be very unhappy in one.
I view marriage in the same light. I'd feel restricted even if my spouse was the least controlling person in the world. I could see myself living and being committed with a partner and having kids, but getting a marriage license is the farthest thing from my mind.
 

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Physical attraction usually comes last for me. I mean, I can find someone attractive but I'm not really physically interested unless theres like... feels :unsure:

If I was in that situation where I found myself physically attracted to someone but not interested in a relationship I would think I needed to sit down and evaluate myself to find out what went wrong. Commitment to a long term relationship is the purpose of relationships, imo, so I don't see any friends with benefits things as options. That just sounds like it would complicate things.
 
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