I open up when I get to know people, then when I'm comfy I become a talking machine probably too often.
Interviewing Introverts
So I've been looking for a roommate and there have been a few people coming over individually to inspect my apartment. I took the opportunity to get try to get to know the potential tenants to see if I'd be compatible living with them, but I've come across a problem I'm not sure how to deal with.
Doing my whole INTP mirroring thing in social situations, it's not hard for me to keep a conversation going as long as both sides are contributing. I had an extrovert come over yesterday and we hit it off quite well, and she chattered on and on about herself so I got to know quite a bit about who she was. I felt comfortable that I got to know this person and she seemed like an okay person to live with.
Today, I had another person come to inspect the apartment. Being an introvert, I had to force myself to come up with conversation topics and I tried to present opportunities for the other person to share information with me. I knew a little bit about her from the texts she sent me, and I tried to bring up her occupation, heritage, etc. to try to bring her out of her shell. She wasn't keen on talking to me much, and didn't have many personal questions directed at me either. I can respect people who like their privacy and I also understand that some people need time before they're comfortable talking about themselves, but in a situation where I'm trying to gauge if I'm compatible with someone, there simply isn't time for this, especially when I need someone to move in next week.
So how do I know if I'm turning down someone who might be compatible with me just because they haven't opened up? It's like speed dating with a strong and silent type; you can only get a vibe from someone, but that isn't really enough to base any logical conclusions off a person.
I consider myself an introvert, but I've developed my social skills to the extent where most people would point at me and say I'm an extrovert when they first meet me (in one-to-one situations). Even though I hate small talk, I still do it, and I do it well. Is that so rare, or am I actually extroverted instead? I consider myself an introvert that's not shy, and talks like an extrovert when the situation requires.
Doing my whole INTP mirroring thing in social situations, it's not hard for me to keep a conversation going as long as both sides are contributing. I had an extrovert come over yesterday and we hit it off quite well, and she chattered on and on about herself so I got to know quite a bit about who she was. I felt comfortable that I got to know this person and she seemed like an okay person to live with.
Today, I had another person come to inspect the apartment. Being an introvert, I had to force myself to come up with conversation topics and I tried to present opportunities for the other person to share information with me. I knew a little bit about her from the texts she sent me, and I tried to bring up her occupation, heritage, etc. to try to bring her out of her shell. She wasn't keen on talking to me much, and didn't have many personal questions directed at me either. I can respect people who like their privacy and I also understand that some people need time before they're comfortable talking about themselves, but in a situation where I'm trying to gauge if I'm compatible with someone, there simply isn't time for this, especially when I need someone to move in next week.
So how do I know if I'm turning down someone who might be compatible with me just because they haven't opened up? It's like speed dating with a strong and silent type; you can only get a vibe from someone, but that isn't really enough to base any logical conclusions off a person.
I consider myself an introvert, but I've developed my social skills to the extent where most people would point at me and say I'm an extrovert when they first meet me (in one-to-one situations). Even though I hate small talk, I still do it, and I do it well. Is that so rare, or am I actually extroverted instead? I consider myself an introvert that's not shy, and talks like an extrovert when the situation requires.
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What often helps me to talk is some objective stimulus! You may not be rolling in cash... but maybe take introvert roommate out on a date where the focus isn't on you two. It's horrible when the attention is all focused on the introvert's weakness. Take her to a museum or a movie or something like that. That way, you have something to talk about... and the heat of the spotlight isn't so intense.
Just trust your intuition! xD
You won't be an extravert just because you've learnt to do small talk!
You won't be an extravert just because you've learnt to do small talk!
If you figure this out, I'd like to know too!
I'd think being an introvert myself, I'd understand this better in others, but when I encounter the type of introvert who doesn't say much even after I throw out a couple of conversation topics, then I write them off really quickly. It just feels too awkward.
Not sure if there's anything you can do, it's a sign they aren't comfortable with you, and who knows if they ever will be, so why take the chance?
I'd think being an introvert myself, I'd understand this better in others, but when I encounter the type of introvert who doesn't say much even after I throw out a couple of conversation topics, then I write them off really quickly. It just feels too awkward.
Not sure if there's anything you can do, it's a sign they aren't comfortable with you, and who knows if they ever will be, so why take the chance?
She may be scared because of whether she'll get it or not.
This situation and after the decision are very different situations.
It's hard to say how and if she will change though.
This situation and after the decision are very different situations.
It's hard to say how and if she will change though.
I don't like the idea of writing people off before I get to know them properly, but the issue with interviewing strangers and judging them is that you haven't got the time to get to know reserved people. I know some quiet people are very interesting once they do open up, but I don't have the time or money to give this special treatment to everyone that I interview. I'm not asking this solely from an "I'm desperate looking for a flatmate" point of view, I'm asking it in a general way too. How do you know if you're letting wonderful people slip by because you're in a hurry? It would be so great if there was a magic looking glass that could see into the mind and soul of individuals (though it would be frightening too, and could reveal too much information sometimes).
As I consider myself an introvert, I don't like the idea of writing people off just because they're introverted (like me) or reserved. Maybe I just forced myself to get better social skills to deal with interview situations. But just because someone isn't wonderful at social skills that doesn't mean they don't make great friends and mind mates. I don't like the idea of gravitating towards choosing people I can open up easily because I'm probably missing out on a lot of great stuff in quieter people too. *sigh*
As I consider myself an introvert, I don't like the idea of writing people off just because they're introverted (like me) or reserved. Maybe I just forced myself to get better social skills to deal with interview situations. But just because someone isn't wonderful at social skills that doesn't mean they don't make great friends and mind mates. I don't like the idea of gravitating towards choosing people I can open up easily because I'm probably missing out on a lot of great stuff in quieter people too. *sigh*
you answered your own question. You don't have time. If they want to live there, it's really their responsibility to make an effort to make a good impression. If they are too scared to try, then it will probably take them a long time to open up, if they ever doI don't like the idea of writing people off before I get to know them properly, but the issue with interviewing strangers and judging them is that you haven't got the time to get to know reserved people. I know some quiet people are very interesting once they do open up, but I don't have the time or money to give this special treatment to everyone that I interview. I'm not asking this solely from an "I'm desperate looking for a flatmate" point of view, I'm asking it in a general way too. How do you know if you're letting wonderful people slip by because you're in a hurry? It would be so great if there was a magic looking glass that could see into the mind and soul of individuals (though it would be frightening too, and could reveal too much information sometimes).
As I consider myself an introvert, I don't like the idea of writing people off just because they're introverted (like me) or reserved. Maybe I just forced myself to get better social skills to deal with interview situations. But just because someone isn't wonderful at social skills that doesn't mean they don't make great friends and mind mates. I don't like the idea of gravitating towards choosing people I can open up easily because I'm probably missing out on a lot of great stuff in quieter people too. *sigh*
Maybe an extroverted roommate is more inclined to organize orgies, eating all your food, touching your things and trying to read your personal diary.
Like so many situations in life, you have to communicate. Express to the potential roommate that you really need them to open up and share so you can get a good gut feel on who they are and make a great guess as to your mutual compatibility.
Most introverts I know are going to be uncomfortable in that scenario anyway, but if you explain the reason you need to make them uncomfortable they are also used to dealing with their own reactions and controlling them when they have to. You should get better results than just glossing over it because you can't get them to respond.
Most introverts I know are going to be uncomfortable in that scenario anyway, but if you explain the reason you need to make them uncomfortable they are also used to dealing with their own reactions and controlling them when they have to. You should get better results than just glossing over it because you can't get them to respond.
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