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INTJ 5w4 (Sp/Sx) 594
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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I know that one of the key behavioural traits for an INTJ is being percieved as "cold".
At first, I had difficulty recognizing that in myself.

For the most part, I don't tend to notice how aloof I can get, since I spend most of my time either alone in my own company, at work, or with family.
When I'm spending time by myself, I mostly just tend to think. So there isn't that much outside perspective there.
When I'm at work, I can hold a conversation and make customers feel really comfortable (at least enough to where they like to vent their personal problems to me). But that is mainly my customer service mask.
With family, I can be really warm and goofy sometimes. I often make time to invite my little sister over so we can have a walk in the park, and when I hang around my younger brother, we are always cracking jokes and laughing.

But after some reflection, I noticed that depending on the context and who I am with, I can get very quiet and unresponsive.
When I go to my college for example, I can go the whole day without speaking a single word to anyone.
I know some of my brother's friends noted that I looked really cold, and aloof. Whenever they would try to speak to me, I would usually just reply bluntly, and then try to end the conversation as quick as possible. I usually regret it slightly afterwards, but in the moment, I could care less what the other person wants to talk to me about.

Some professors even spoke to me outside of class and offered me references because of my work. Since my personal belief is that I want to succeed on my own merit (not on anybody elses references), I accepted their help, but then I ended up blowing it off.

But then, that aloofness would be contrasted with a really strong set of morals, even if it goes against rationale. This confused me even more.

Lots of people recommended I should apply for Metis Status, so I can get a hold of more scholarship opportunites that were not being used.
For the longest time I ignored them. I really want to be my future self through my own blood, sweat, and tears. I was born Metis, I didn't earn it.
Therefore, despite me being almost broke and my family wanting the best for me, I always refused their recommendations.

I also refuse to take student-loans, as I don't believe that it is my money to spend.

My parents also offered me to stay home with them while I completed my education, but I declined their offer and went out on my own anyway, even though it would have been more rational to swallow my pride and stay with them for a few more years,
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I then realized that tertiary Fi gives INTJs a more childlike view of morality (black and white thinking), so that explained it. But previously, INTJs being percieved as cold threw me off for a bit.

I guess I had difficulty recognizing myself as an INTJ because deep down, I have a really strong moral code, and I have strong personal feelings and motivations. They are not founded on ethics or principles, but an inner sense of morality based on experience.
But then I looked at my outside personality most of the time, and then I quickly understood the stereotype.

Did anyone else have difficulty accepting their type because of stereotypes based on external sterotypes?
 
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Admittedly I am not an INTJ so I have never delt with those stereotypes, but reading everything you said makes me see the type in a whole new way, just because when you read about the types and are trying to figure your own out there's a lot of misconceptions and stereotypes.
I have a hard time figuring out my type, like really hard. I have bounced around between almost every type there is and never really felt connected to it the way i wanted or the way I thought I'd be. After a long time I think I finally figured it out and that I'm an ENFP, however a lot of the stereotypes make my doubt it at times.
For example, enfps are know for being lovable, always happy, enthusiastic, air heads that can do little to sit down or sit still.
I understand these stereotypes are just that, but I kinda wonder just because my moods change so quickly. I understand that a little bit of a stupid reason, but a that's how a lot of people type ENFPS and I don't always come across that way. I'm not always the most approachable, or as least I don't think I am. My emotions influence me extremely deeply and when I'm in a bad mood I'm in a bad mood so I try not to say anything. But as quickly as I got there I can leave that abyss of depression. So I have no idea what's going on there hahaha
But there are also stereotypes I fall right into like they were a beautiful blanket burrito that was made just for me. For example, people say ENFPs can be very scatter brained, own interrupting there own sentences with new thoughts. I do this so often it has started to annoy myself. I'll have the perfect train of thought and another comes head on hahahaha. Even now writing this it's taking me a long time because I keep think about random stuff, like how watermelons no longer have big black seeds so like why are they always spiting black seeds out in movies? But that's beside the point. Also because they have high NE they love learning and coming up with new concepts. And I love doing this! My brother hates it because I will ask him random questions, like "what is your favorite nut," or "what if" followed my a crazy hypothetical. I not only do that but ever since I was a kid I would watch TV for example and pause it just to theorize something about it with whoevers watching it with me. Like the other day I paused Naruto flat in the middle of a battle to ask my friend what they would do in the fight. And then we brainstormed what we thought was best.
In the end of this I feel I really connect to my type. I was so focused on looking outside I just had to look inside. But who knows people will always have opinions of why I'm not an ENFP or something hahaha
 

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@ImpossibleHunt5
Not an INTJ, but you sound so much like me! All my life people have told me I was crazy or stupid if I didn't take advantage of some opportunity or free ride. The few times I listened to them, I regretted it. The thing they wanted me to do would turn out to be a disaster and cost me dearly.

I also have a similar social presence (sometimes non-presence). And I'm a black-and-white thinker as well.

I was first tested by a certified MBTI tester more than 20 years ago. I tested as INTP, although I was almost in the middle between P and J. However, as you know, type is much more complicated than doing a test that indicates T vs. F, etc. After all my research, I'm still pretty sure I'm INTP. I have become more responsible, etc., in my old age. But that's more of a survival thing; I can't afford to follow my whims and screw up like I used to....

@Posie_girl90 , you do sound quite a bit like my ENFP friend. I don't understand her feeliness sometimes, but she's also very intelligent.
 

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Did anyone else have difficulty accepting their type because of stereotypes based on external sterotypes?
nah, for me it was more like epiphany. maybe because the profile i was shown said 'most people don't understand this type and tend to avoid them.' i felt instantly understood :p

more seriously, i guess i didn't start out with the stereotypes, so there wasn't as much to dislike. plus, i grew up being a girl. there's probably no way even a 'stereotype' intj would be less 'me' than the kinds of things people were assuming/projecting onto me until then, based on gender and some superficial aspects of how i present. mbti was mostly win for me when i came across it.

people do say some damn stupid stuff about us, i admit.
 

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For me, I always had a strong sense of who I was. Typing as INTJ only made sense. Later on I have briefly explored the possibility of being other types out of curiosity, mainly INFJ and INTP, also ENTJ and ISTJ, but nah.

I think for most INTJs growing up we're always going to be different from most other people around us. Having trouble fitting in, as well as little need to try, it's only natural that we'd be comfortable alone. It's not that I didn't have friends around, but I purposefully kept few close ones and at times none at all. I remember a math teacher talking to me all worried for my development and if I had any friends, and yes I had some people that I liked. This didn't seem to satisfy him, he thought I should discuss math more with others. For the record, that class was full of baboons. I said "why? all the information I need to learn for the course is in the book". He didn't really have a good answer back, but persisted. I explained how I didn't feel lonely, that choosing to be alone is comfortable for me.

I can understand some of the criticisms or mentions of how we seem cold, and I can only agree that often we do. But it's not because we actually are cold, it's because we don't put much focus on making others comfortable in person through our facial expressions, small talk and such. It's just natural existence to me, I don't think about it.

So yeah, there is this pressure in society for us to conform to what's perceived as normal. I can't count how many times I've been told to take more space, as if that's a good thing to be strived for. What if I have no desire to? We INTJs are willing to go our own way, that's one of the coolest things about us.
 

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Did anyone else have difficulty accepting their type because of stereotypes based on external sterotypes?
I never did. A big part of what most people think of as "warmth" means sharing and/or reflecting other people's emotional states. We don't naturally do that, so we come off as cold.

I sometimes fake it, especially when making a new acquaintance. During the mandatory small talk I try to mirror the other person as much as I can, and reinforce what he/she is saying, etc.. If all goes well they put me in the "warm person" box where I belong. Because as you said, most of us are not really cold, we just come off that way. In a weird way I'm manipulating the other person into forming a more correct opinion of my true self.
 

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@ImpossibleHunt5.
Just a note to you on scholarships and such. Nobody “gets ahead” on their own. Why? Because in order to get ahead your talents have to be recognized by others. Even people who have their own business succeed because of the people who like their product or who value their services. If you applied for a scholarship and got it it would be because you 1. Worked hard and put the work in to get the scholarship. 2. Was awarded due to perceived merit, which requires the good grace of others. Man... I looked into all this a while back because for so long I thought I got ahead due to my hard work and was forced to realize with a change in jobs that it is always based on other people letting you get ahead.. am I comfortable with it? Not really. But that’s the way life is. The Vikings even had a world-view personality-type thing based on it.... but that is all a discussion for another time.

Okay so I do think IxxJs have a harder time typing themselves sometimes and even harder with ExxJs. The Ti or the Fi part of ourselves is what makes us more aware of our own thoughts or feelings and why we have those thoughts and feelings and in what circumstances you have those thoughts and feelings. Although there is always a balance, right? If too aware of our own and not aware enough of other people’s norms and perceptions there is also a danger of mis-type due to lack of comparison. Anyway, it’s not a bad way to go to think of how you’d be perceived by others, and I’m glad you figured it out.

The threads @ai.tran.75 made in 2018 called “how do you think?” In each forum have been one of the single biggest eye-openers to me on the differences on how each type think. And finding little gems like that Ni dom often don’t think in language— gold! Finding out that other types don’t have multiple thoughts at once (I didn’t know It was different). And spending a bit of time on each forum has been so interesting and expanding to me. However, you’ve got school to work on. Go get ‘em tiger!
 
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