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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Hi....sad ISTP girl here....I'm just wondering if this has happened to anyone else, or if anyone else has done this. So, I dated an INTJ guy for a year, but he decided it would be best to break up, not that things were going too badly at all (there were some problems (especially when we were apart), a lot of it was me feeling insecure, and him feeling "cold" b/c it didn't feel as natural for him to show his affection for me like I did for him), but it's just he knew it wouldn't work out long-term and that it might eventually become unhealthy (I knew it too, but I didn't want to break up since my feelings for him overrode my logical side...). So, this break-up didn't happen because we grew apart or we couldn't stand each other anymore, it's just that since it wouldn't work long-term, it would be better to just break up now instead of having it hurt more in the future. The reasons it wouldn't work out being: he's asexual, I'm very physically affectionate and he's not, keeping up the relationship felt too stressful, and I was becoming too dependant on him for my own happiness...

So yeah...we both still love and care about each other a lot, but this situation is just hard for me to digest fully. I mean, he doesn't really think much has to change between us, we're still friends and we support each other and we still like hanging out, it's just for me, I'm gonna miss the physical part of it. Having someone to cuddle and hug and feel warm with....aghhh but that's where we fundamentally aren't compatible...I value physical affection a lot whereas he would just want to spend time with me, no matter what we do (obv I love spending time with him, but I'm happiest with cuddling in bed). I'm still not "over" him though, I still feel the same way about him as I did when we were together, that's why this break-up is so hard...he says those feelings don't have to go away though. Agh but this is so conflicting! What am I supposed to do with my feelings for someone when we both know it won't work out to be in a romantic relationship together?? (I've realized INTJs aren't the best with romance and stuff...but if anyone has any advice for this, I'd appreciate it).

So...yeah...point is, physically affectionate ISTP x asexual INTJ, seems to not work out long-term...but damn did I learn and grow SO MUCH with him, and I still am learning (I should probably return the books I borrowed from him...one day). But yeah, has anyone else experienced this? Where a relationship didn't really reach a breaking point, but since you knew it wouldn't work long-term, you broke up just to end it before it got worse? Where, you were able to put your feelings aside to make a decision that was better for the long-term?

Sorry if this was kinda everywhere...
 

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I think it a terrible idea to continue any kind of 'relationship' if you still have feelings and a desire for more than that which they are not able to give. You'll just slowly bleed out, opposed to getting it over with and starting anew.

Who knows though, some people will willingly head straight into a storm of shit just for the emotion and experience.

Not judging.

Am same. Insane.
 

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"I was becoming too dependant on him for my own happiness" sounds like hell on earth for an INTJ - your post was mostly about the future but that one sentence sounds like he was also unhappy in the present moment.

people need more than one source of emotional support. They need platonic friends and hobbies and they need to be comfortable spending time alone sometimes. If they don't have those things then a relationship with an INTJ would be extremely unpleasant for the INTJ.

I recently cut off a friend who was acting like I was his only source of emotional support. It was just too much.

now comes the part when you protest and say that you have all those things...hobbies and platonic friends and comfort being alone....just like my friend protested but his actions said otherwise. I don't need to hear the protesting again...once was enough. Interestingly, he was also an ISTP.
 

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Another way of looking at it is ..... Fe is very low in the ISTP function stack and emotional navigation is an extremely important task in life. That means naturally you are drawn to people who are more emotionally adept than you are. INTJs are only marginally more emotionally adept and only if they have a well-developed Fi, but Fi is a completely different language than Fe. it's definitely not our strongest talent AND it's a different emotional language.

When someone leans on me for their sole source of emotional support it feels like they're leaning on a worn-down fence that I can't find time to fix, because they keep putting all their weight on it - and that's even though my Fi is quite well developed.

The Fi/Fe clash is intense too. Fe users expect a lot more body language and facial expressions than I do naturally. The minute I get tired and stop smiling or sending emoticons, they completely flip out like the world is ending. They also don't believe me when I talk about how I feel because my words are intense but my body language isn't.

You might have been unconsciously asking someone who has a completely different emotional language than you, and is only marginally more adept with emotions but still pretty bad at it, to be your #1 emotional compass..... that's what happened with me and my ISTP friend anyway. It just wasn't working and it was exhausting. He constantly begged me for things I had no more energy left to give. I pictured him happy with an ENFJ or ESFJ...they both have Fe at the top of the stack so that's like a common language plus navigating the world of other people's emotions is something they are naturally good at. I'm really only good at navigating my own emotions not other people's; and not good at expressing my own emotions in a way that Fe users would understand.
 

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Well, whatever some people may say, physical closeness IS hella important for relationship. Not the most important and not only aspect, but it still is one thing that sets romantic relationship apart from other expressions of affection. I'm afraid it would be the best for you two to accept that you just have different needs. It's not something that can be just changed for the sake of someone. Forcing physical intimacy in someone unwilling to express it in the first place would only bring more awkwardness and, eventually, conflict.
I also agree that it's best to nip relationship in a bud when such issues emerge. Unexpressed affection will only aggravate you the longer it goes on, and will taint whatever beautiful feelings you had. It also appears that the INTJ you mentioned is quite firm about asexuality, so I wouldn't expect that to change anytime soon if ever.
I was in a similar situation with ISFP, except she wanted more emotional affection from me. Things just happened naturally - we grew apart and reunited, but now just as friends. Surprisingly, very little changed in our interactions - if anything, we are now more open and tolerant to each other's quirks. I'd say only time can be the judge now.
If you don't keep a diary, you might want one just for the sake of keeping a track of your thoughts and emotions. Over some time, however much it takes you, you'll accumulate enough information to observe the progression of your trail of thoughts and come to a better understanding of them.
 

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To me, knowing something won't work long-term is an immediate problem. I would have done the same as him.

For your own sake, I suggest not spending time with him for a while. Give yourself a chance to recover without him around. If that is logistically difficult, you might need to talk to him about it, and ask him to give you some space.
 

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Not an INTJ but I have been there and done that. We separated because we knew it would not work out and no matter how much we care for each other the relationship was becoming unhealthy. Almost 8 years later she is still one of my closest friends. I always loved her irrelevant of our relationship status so I had no issues handling my feelings. She went into a bit weird rebound relationship of sorts but she managed well at the end. Time, patience and no overreacting.
 

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Where a relationship didn't really reach a breaking point, but since you knew it wouldn't work long-term, you broke up just to end it before it got worse? Where, you were able to put your feelings aside to make a decision that was better for the long-term?
hasn't happened to me, and i can guess it would be hard if i was already in the thing. but from his pov, it doesnt' sound like he's taken much of a hit. he's still getting the factors of the relationship that mattered to him, and the only one that's dropped off (physical stuff) doesn't sound like it was a priority. you see it differently, so you're struggling more.

personally, in your shoes i think i'd start resenting just that. the fact that the just-friends was working just fine for him while leaving me with an ongoing emotional drain. but then again, i've always broken up with people in a far more final way than what you're reporting.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
Yeah...he said it's okay for me to come to him with any troubles I'm having, but it was stressing him out for me to rely on him to make myself happy, instead of relying on myself and trying to work on myself. Like, I wasn't trying to improve myself, I only kept going back to him with my insecurities and I wanted him to reassure me, and he saw that as unhealthy because I was too dependant on him for being happy with myself. So, I can see how that can get stressful over time. I just need to work on myself.
 

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Yeah...he said it's okay for me to come to him with any troubles I'm having, but it was stressing him out for me to rely on him to make myself happy, instead of relying on myself and trying to work on myself. Like, I wasn't trying to improve myself, I only kept going back to him with my insecurities and I wanted him to reassure me, and he saw that as unhealthy because I was too dependant on him for being happy with myself. So, I can see how that can get stressful over time. I just need to work on myself.
Yeah I think that sounds miserable for an INTJ. But an ENFJ or ESFJ would probably flourish in that kind of relationship. Just the other day I saw someone on the ESFJ or ENFJ forum (I forget which) lamenting "oh I really like this guy but he has no emotional trauma for me to help with?! I don't even know my purpose in the relationship without that?!" lol.

You might just be happier with an Fe user ...and one whose Fe is very high in the stack.
 

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This is a fun question for me because almost all of my ex boyfriends have been ISTPs. The dynamics I have found between myself and an ISTP tend to follow something like this: ISTP, used to being the most emotionally aloof person of all, finds a person (me, INTJ) who appears even more emotionally aloof than he is.

The relationship that is formed eventually escalates (as is usual with relationships). For me, escalating means wanting to spend more quality time together. For ISTPs, it tends to mean wanting to spend more time together. I become interested in setting down some roots, talking about the future, getting to know whether the ISTP has the same world views as me and etc... The ISTP just wants more ... of everything.

I end up feeling pressured into giving someone I care about more than what I could give comfortably. Once it becomes obvious that the relationship couldn't work, I withdraw from the relationship.

Essentially, the ISTP wants more, but I'm already giving it my all. When asked to give more than the most that I can give, I know I didn't have enough resources for that person OR that the person needed more out of a partner than I was capable of giving. I feel terribly incapable in these situations, but it also is a very easy decision to end a relationship in which my all isn't good enough. If a relationship doesn't have a future, there's no way I'll waste time in it.

Hopefully this helps.

- - - - - - - - - -

@cuddle bun

Oh I saw that too! It made me lol.
 
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