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INTJ confusing an ENFP (go figure!!)

1316 Views 6 Replies 5 Participants Last post by  Thorgar
Hello everyone! So I have been fixated on personality type for the last few months, actually have taken several different tests over several years. So naturally when I started dating an INTJ, I looked up as much information as possible on the type. And yet I'm still confused!

If any INTJs could provide some insight, it would be greatly appreciated!

So I will try to keep this short...I've been seeing an INTJ male for about 8 months now. Things have been great on my end. We are extremely compatible in terms of interests, conversation, sense of humor (LOTS of banter. I love it!) And we balance each other very well. Things got pretty intense pretty quickly in terms of time spent together, it went from 7 hours plus on our first few dates to 5 nights a week, with texts, phone calls, and chatting online in between. He is very affectionate physically, holds my hand when we're out, etc. However, feelings weren't really talked about at all, not even by me until about a month or so ago. I actually made an effort to hold back in this situation because of being hurt in the past, and was very careful and tried to be rational about it. I did, however, develop strong feelings. I brought this up one night, really just wanting to know if we were at least on the same page about where things were going (becoming serious) and headed in the same direction. I knew he rationalizes emotions and may not feel as strongly at this point. He basically said he wasn't sure where he was and would have to think about it. Well we took about a week of space, didn't talk for a few days. Got together again a week later, and I could tell he was being finally I acknowledged it and said if he felt like things should end, then that's what he should do...the response I got was no, he didn't want things to end, things were fine, he enjoyed my company and nothing was wrong...but that almost 100% of the reason he was with me was rational...meaning he had no strong feelings for me at this point and couldn't promise it would or wouldn't happen at any point later. He has actually been going through a stressful time, switching jobs, so it probably wasn't the best time to start talking about all this. The problem is, do I take his words at face value or do I take into account his actions, which imply that he does have feelings, even if he doesn't realize it or acknowledge it at this point. Since then, things have been great again for the most part.. I decided it was best to drop it for now, seeing as he is dealing with a lot and no positive results can come from forcing him to figure out his feelings at this point. We had one mini issue one night where I ended up leaving at 2 am, but the very next day he apologized and said he didn't want pointless arguments and didn't want me leaving at 2am. Why fix it if there are no feelings ?? Also, why be affectionate with no feelings involved?

Sorry this has been so long..what I'm trying to figure out is should I stick around a bit longer, let things calm down and see what happens from there, or should I bail? this normal for INTJs? My instinct tells me yes..but he has been able to develop feelings for people more quickly in the past..but he was also a lot more reactionary and impulsive in his past as well.

Thanks for any who take the time to read this!
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can't you just be with a guy without artificializing everything? if you're enjoying his presence and he's fun to be with then just be with him

don't mess him up with this feelings stuff, this is how you ruin a perfectly good relationship, just let things flow naturally

this is a good example of people knowing what they want to do but they want some external confirmation, which they don't really need and it ends up ruining an otherwise natural relationship

if you like a guy why avoid spending time with him? it makes no sense
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Got together again a week later, and I could tell he was being finally I acknowledged it and said if he felt like things should end, then that's what he should do...the response I got was no, he didn't want things to end, things were fine, he enjoyed my company and nothing was wrong

I would react very favorably to this type of behavior as I value clarity in communication.

Being distant under duress is a coping mechanism. It's very easy to be offended by this behavior when nothing personal is meant by it. My suggestion is to be available but not overbearing. I've always been proud of my ability to stand on my own two feet, but there have been two times in my life I've when hit real rough patches and I deeply resented those who I thought had abandoned me or let me down in my time of need.

Always judge behavior.
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Warning: This is just one INTJ's possible interpretation of an answer for the questions asked. The opinions expressed are solely that of the poster and do not reflect the views of anyone else necessarily.

There could be an upside to having a relationship that isn't necessarily where one has feelings. Granted most people don't want to look at relationships in this light, but this could be how he sees it. There may be some relationship skills he is developing and that in being honest with you, you may have to be honest with him. Don't forget that the Fi of an INTJ may or may not be well defined since it isn't even in the top two functions usually used.

The affectionate part can simply be that he was raised where this is how a normal dating relationship is handled. In other words, there is an obligation to do all these things and the affection is from a sense of duty rather than personal choice.

Are you happy with this relationship? That really is the question because if this is bugging you so much, then perhaps this isn't the right relationship for you. Consider the pros and cons of each option and decide however you'd usually decide.

It may well be typical for an INTJ to behave like he does. However, so what? Not all INTJs will act the exact some way. There is some variety within this type as a parting thought.
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yeah that's another perspective, it's a valid one, it basically says "do you really want him to be emotional like you are?"

perhaps if he really tried to be more sensitive you wouldn't like him anymore

of course, I am very biased, because I made this mistake a long time ago, I've tried to be more emotional and it made a mess of things
Thanks for the quick replies!

All three of you make very valid points. I actually did try to take a more relaxed attitude when we first started seeing each other, not rushing into anything. It does get to a point where things need to progress or it seems like a waste of time to me. I am 27 and he is 32 and while I'm not at a point where I'm extremely worried about getting married and having kids, I know that I do want that eventually. I don't want to be " hanging out" with someone for the rest of my time here on earth, lol!

Anyway, at the other posts...I left a few points out to try and shorten my first post. I can give you a little more information now.

a. we did have a very short conversation about this same thing about a month and a half ago.. I said I was developing feelings and was getting nervous about it, and was just curious if we were headed in the same direction in regards to that time he answered yes. This adds to my confusion with his uncertainty a few weeks ago.

b. He doesn't really do anything out of "obligation", if something doesn't make sense to him he usually won't do it. This seems like a very INTJish trait from what I've read.

c. growing up his family was very isolated and from what he's told me there wasn't a ton of affection involved. I'm sure this has only intensified the already present INTJ traits that he has. He apparently has been working on overcoming the effects of his childhood experience for years.

I knew going into this that he wasn't going to be the most emotionally expressive person, and I'm ok with that in light of all the positives. What I do need, however, is to know that feelings are there, even if they aren't expressed all the time, verbally.

There is TONS of potential in this relationship, but I wouldn't be being true to myself if I continue on indefinitely with a (supposed) lack of any feelings towards me on his part. I think that is what frustrates me the most. I don't want to walk away from a good thing, but also don't want to be stuck in a static relationship.

I guess what I am trying to determine from posting this is if it's possible that he does have feelings for me, but he is so "frontal lobe" and closed off to them at the moment that he doesn't realize they exist, or possibly can't confront or deal with them at the moment, so he would rather play the "rational" card and risk losing the relationship, if that makes sense...

As you can probably tell, I am an analyzer by nature...always gets me into trouble! Sometimes I wonder if I teeter between ENFP and ENTP. I'm definitely more on the feeling side though!

Thanks again, and thanks for your continued input! (hopefully)
All the time, texts, and calls you share would be absolutely cloying to me if it wasn't with a person I was crazy about. I think you are going to have to go by his actions, not what he says about his feelings.

INTJ's are terrible relationship planners, but are fairly comfortable negotiating. It probably won't work unless you take the initiative to formalize the relationship. Quantifying feelings is way outside the competence zone. Talking concrete things like exclusivity, moving in, marriage, is scary but perfectly comprehensible. When you need the relationship to move forward, ask him if he will agree to take the next step. It kind of sucks you can't get a good read on the likely response in advance, but there's a good chance you'll be pleasantly surprised. INTJs don't form good relationships easily and won't throw one away without a lot of thought and a very good reason.
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