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I am INFJ, a typical mysterious, secretive, deep, artistic, christian type of a girl. I have recently fell for a guy 8 years younger than me. I'm 31 and he is 23. Being INTJ, he is super smart and studying theoretical physics at a prestigious university. It seems to me that he has never been in a relationship. He seemed aloof and cold when we first met in person but we kept in touch by e-mail and when he came to Japan for his research project, we spent the whole day together in one city and we got along really great. After that we met up in Europe (one of the Wester european countries - this is a place where we live, for him study an for me work) and again spent the whole day together going to the museum and concerts. We are both very intelligent, inquisitive, have thirst for knowledge, and love arts and we just seemed to click together. Silence is not a problem for us. After this 2nd meeting, I touched his arm lightly and kissed him good bye and his face just lit up like a sunflower. I had never seen such an innocent face of a 23 year old guy. However, after this 2nd meeting, he just disappeared with no e-mails for over 2 weeks. He told me that he will be busy with his physics projects so I am assuming that he is focused on this. I want to ask you all INTJ men what kind of expectations I should have. Perhaps he is thinking that I am too old, perhaps he got side tracked with physics which requires tremendous mental energy. I just question myself these questions endlessly. My plan for now is to just not expect anything intense at this moment and keep in touch with him as a friend (perhaps meeting up every once in a while with no pressure) and see what happens. For him, his physics career seems like his top priority at this moment and I understand this. Does this sound reasonable? His mind is quite special and precious, I want to understand him.
 

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A 23 year old introvert without a history of relationship? Probably is dying inside, hoping you want to have a relationship with him, but scared out of his mind. "If I ask her, she'll reject me and laugh at me!" Or... "if she says yes, how will I deal with it and my studies!? What will she expect of me?"

Email him, be somewhat direct and let him know you're interested. But let him know you don't have expectations that he needs to put you over his studies, and in fact make it clear to him (if you are comfortable with this) that you want him to put his school career first right now, but that you'd like to be a part of his life.

Whatever you do, don't think that he hasn't thought intently about you and doesn't have a very strong interest--he almost certainly does, but doesn't know how to initiate it or what to do with his own feelings.
 

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A 23 year old introvert without a history of relationship? Probably is dying inside, hoping you want to have a relationship with him, but scared out of his mind. "If I ask her, she'll reject me and laugh at me!" Or... "if she says yes, how will I deal with it and my studies!? What will she expect of me?"
Putting emphasis on this.

Again, just e-mail him.
 

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Thanks to both of you. I totally agree. He has no clue how to initiate a Relationship, or he does not know what a Relationship is. He has never been in one. I don't want to be so pushy so I will wait untill he e-mails me then I will talk about it next time I see him. Do you think the 8 year age gap isn't a concern for such a guy?
 

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Yes e-mail him.
Just continue as before and try to meet again.
He obviously likes you, but he is probably stuck.
It doesn't help that you spend all your time trying to mind read him from afar.
Two Se inferiors going at it... trying to Ni a relationship into existence.
Look be "reckless" life is too short, just continue touching him at every opportunity.
Soon you will be the only human-being that is real to him. ;)
 

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Thanks to both of you. I totally agree. He has no clue how to initiate a Relationship, or he does not know what a Relationship is. He has never been in one. I don't want to be so pushy so I will wait untill he e-mails me then I will talk about it next time I see him. Do you think the 8 year age gap isn't a concern for such a guy?
I don't think that's uncommon with INTJ people. Shit, I can't read these things myself. Never been in a relationship, probably never will, even if I've got the chance laid right out in front of me I wouldn't know it's there.

It's likely that he isn't sure about what he's doing and he's probably thinking the gesture you gave was just like, friendly, even though he's all stupidly fluffy inside about it and hopes for something extra.

And I can't speak for other INTJs but I personally don't care too much about age gaps when I'm the younger person. My better friends tend to be far older than I. Considering how your INTJ may be brooding over the subject, he probably doesn't mind either.

So... yeah. Just e-mail him. I don't think he'd mind being taken away from his interests for ten minutes, especially when you may happen to be one of them.
 

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Very doubtful age gap is an issue; age is a social issue 9/10 times, not a personal one. INTxs don't usually care about what society says. Just do it! And live life now, you won't regret it even if things don't work out!
 

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I am INFJ, a typical mysterious, secretive, deep, artistic, christian type of a girl. I have recently fell for a guy 8 years younger than me. I'm 31 and he is 23. Being INTJ, he is super smart and studying theoretical physics at a prestigious university. It seems to me that he has never been in a relationship. He seemed aloof and cold when we first met in person but we kept in touch by e-mail and when he came to Japan for his research project, we spent the whole day together in one city and we got along really great. After that we met up in Europe (one of the Wester european countries - this is a place where we live, for him study an for me work) and again spent the whole day together going to the museum and concerts. We are both very intelligent, inquisitive, have thirst for knowledge, and love arts and we just seemed to click together. Silence is not a problem for us. After this 2nd meeting, I touched his arm lightly and kissed him good bye and his face just lit up like a sunflower. I had never seen such an innocent face of a 23 year old guy. However, after this 2nd meeting, he just disappeared with no e-mails for over 2 weeks. He told me that he will be busy with his physics projects so I am assuming that he is focused on this. I want to ask you all INTJ men what kind of expectations I should have. Perhaps he is thinking that I am too old, perhaps he got side tracked with physics which requires tremendous mental energy. I just question myself these questions endlessly. My plan for now is to just not expect anything intense at this moment and keep in touch with him as a friend (perhaps meeting up every once in a while with no pressure) and see what happens. For him, his physics career seems like his top priority at this moment and I understand this. Does this sound reasonable? His mind is quite special and precious, I want to understand him.
You are a Christian? I am as well. I would advise you to follow your plan. It sounds reasonable and good. You understand the situation better than any of us can, so if you have a sense that your plan is the best one, it probably is.

You have some concerns about whether your age might be a concern for him. I can't know if this is the case, but if it is, then most likely he will let you alone. If it is not, then most likely he will want things to go forward, and he will do something to make this happen.

If someone really wants a relationship, no matter their personality, they will do what it takes to get it if the other person is not hostile and/or indifferent. You have been friendly; this should be enough to get him to proceed if he wants to. I hope this is helpful.
 

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I am INFJ, a typical mysterious, secretive, deep, artistic, christian type of a girl. I have recently fell for a guy 8 years younger than me. I'm 31 and he is 23. Being INTJ, he is super smart and studying theoretical physics at a prestigious university. It seems to me that he has never been in a relationship. He seemed aloof and cold when we first met in person but we kept in touch by e-mail and when he came to Japan for his research project, we spent the whole day together in one city and we got along really great. After that we met up in Europe (one of the Wester european countries - this is a place where we live, for him study an for me work) and again spent the whole day together going to the museum and concerts. We are both very intelligent, inquisitive, have thirst for knowledge, and love arts and we just seemed to click together. Silence is not a problem for us. After this 2nd meeting, I touched his arm lightly and kissed him good bye and his face just lit up like a sunflower. I had never seen such an innocent face of a 23 year old guy. However, after this 2nd meeting, he just disappeared with no e-mails for over 2 weeks. He told me that he will be busy with his physics projects so I am assuming that he is focused on this. I want to ask you all INTJ men what kind of expectations I should have. Perhaps he is thinking that I am too old, perhaps he got side tracked with physics which requires tremendous mental energy. I just question myself these questions endlessly. My plan for now is to just not expect anything intense at this moment and keep in touch with him as a friend (perhaps meeting up every once in a while with no pressure) and see what happens. For him, his physics career seems like his top priority at this moment and I understand this. Does this sound reasonable? His mind is quite special and precious, I want to understand him.
Email him.

Don't detract from his studies or passion.
 

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Yes e-mail him.
Just continue as before and try to meet again.
He obviously likes you, but he is probably stuck.
It doesn't help that you spend all your time trying to mind read him from afar.
Two Se inferiors going at it... trying to Ni a relationship into existence.
Look be "reckless" life is too short, just continue touching him at every opportunity.
Soon you will be the only human-being that is real to him. ;)
Ni'ing a relationship into existence is a valid method and should be valued as such
“Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”
― J.K Rowling
 

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Communicate what you want as most everyone else has said. He's probably confused & doesn't want to come off as needy or anything. If he lit up that's a good sign, now he's probably lost in the endless possibilities of what that means, if a long distance relationship can work, if you really meant anything by it or if it was just friendly, etc. Direct communication with an INTJ is usually best, we can be pretty thick headed especially when it comes to the opposite sex.
 

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I am INFJ, a typical mysterious, secretive, deep, artistic, christian type of a girl. I have recently fell for a guy 8 years younger than me. I'm 31 and he is 23. Being INTJ, he is super smart and studying theoretical physics at a prestigious university. It seems to me that he has never been in a relationship. He seemed aloof and cold when we first met in person but we kept in touch by e-mail and when he came to Japan for his research project, we spent the whole day together in one city and we got along really great. After that we met up in Europe (one of the Wester european countries - this is a place where we live, for him study an for me work) and again spent the whole day together going to the museum and concerts. We are both very intelligent, inquisitive, have thirst for knowledge, and love arts and we just seemed to click together. Silence is not a problem for us. After this 2nd meeting, I touched his arm lightly and kissed him good bye and his face just lit up like a sunflower. I had never seen such an innocent face of a 23 year old guy. However, after this 2nd meeting, he just disappeared with no e-mails for over 2 weeks. He told me that he will be busy with his physics projects so I am assuming that he is focused on this. I want to ask you all INTJ men what kind of expectations I should have. Perhaps he is thinking that I am too old, perhaps he got side tracked with physics which requires tremendous mental energy. I just question myself these questions endlessly. My plan for now is to just not expect anything intense at this moment and keep in touch with him as a friend (perhaps meeting up every once in a while with no pressure) and see what happens. For him, his physics career seems like his top priority at this moment and I understand this. Does this sound reasonable? His mind is quite special and precious, I want to understand him.
Let me chime in as an INTJ with a PhD in molecular physics...
1) If he is in theoretical physics and has never been in a relationship at age 23, he probably has *NO* clue how to handle
a) starting a relationship
b) how to act in a relationship
c) how to interpret how *you* are acting
...in other words, he has NO experience to compare against, no baseline.

2) As an INTJ, we know how to plan intellectually, but dealing with mushy things like emotions is difficult.
He therefore has all *KINDS* of feelings inside, but does not have enough "data" to make any definite plans.
He's thinking, most likely, everything from "She's PERFECT! We clicked on SO MANY THINGS!"
to
"OMG OMG she *KISSED* ME!" (oh sh*t *now* what do I do?)
to
"I hope she doesn't have another boyfriend!"
to
"She's TOO OLD FOR ME"
to
"I don't have TIME for a *SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP*...but I don't want to lose her!"

3) As an INTJ, he really will need all kinds of alone time to recharge, even in a relationship.
And his being in theoretical physics will be a GREAT drain on his time too.

You are coming across like a *keeper* by being aware of his career goals and time pressure; but if you treat him "as a friend"
(in order to lower the pressure), you may just frustrate or confuse him since you *already* kissed him.

I might recommend an email or letter -- a phone call might put him on the spot, and the conversation can spiral away from where you wanted it to go: but in written form you can say exactly what you want, without the subject being changed.

If you want a relationship (more than just friends), then in the email remind him how much fun you had and leave your contact information: if you *really* want to light a fire under him suggest some event you'd like (a play, an arts festival, a concert) and follow it up with the words, "Hint, hint." Even an INTJ scientist will have a hard time misunderstanding *that*: and the pressure is not as much as if you just showed up at his door, or if you asked *him*.

In any case, an email which reads somewhere in the main text "I miss you" or "I missed you" with a :sad: will be hard for him to rationalize away, while not putting too much pressure on him.

One other thing: if you *really* want to leave an unforgettable impression on him, either (and I'm not kidding, I've been married 27 years, so I have *some* experience...)
a) find out his favorite food and arrange to surprise him by cooking it and bringing it to him
b) after you've been out a few times, if it is going well, surprise him by a "laundry date" -- there's not much to do while waiting for the laundry to run except talk and flirt. As a bonus, show him how to fold clothes. It's "dual usage" -- a practical time-saving gift/favor, while raising the intriguing possibility that you are showing a domestic side.
 

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a) find out his favorite food and arrange to surprise him by cooking it and bringing it to him
I did that! I've brought him (my INTJ) dinner a couple of times when he has been so swamped with work (because I know he would simply forget to feed himself otherwise). He loved it and the second time he invited me to eat with him. It was brief but really nice. :kitteh:
 

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I did that! I've brought him (my INTJ) dinner a couple of times when he has been so swamped with work (because I know he would simply forget to feed himself otherwise). He loved it and the second time he invited me to eat with him. It was brief but really nice. :kitteh:
I'm gonna get myself in REAMS of trouble here, but...

nothing differentiates a woman from the girls, more than...feminine wiles.

Act *traditionally* even though it goes against *ALL* the modern rules, and he'll NEVER forget you.
You won't even have to sleep with him to get his attention. :wink:
 

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I'm gonna get myself in REAMS of trouble here, but...

nothing differentiates a woman from the girls, more than...feminine wiles.

Act *traditionally* even though it goes against *ALL* the modern rules, and he'll NEVER forget you.
You won't even have to sleep with him to get his attention. :wink:
Hahaha oh I know. :cool:
He's a good boy, when I have people over he'll come in and help out in the kitchen. Sometimes we get a little bit distracted...
 
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