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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
Well hello world!

As part of my self-care vacation, I am starting a lovely journal project that is completely open to comments and feedback. Here's a smidge...

Myself in bullet-list form:
  • Slightly quirky 33 year old female INTJ
  • Master's Degree in Communications, Minor in Japanese
  • Not married
  • No kids, just pets
  • Dream job in the death industry
Everything about my life should be a walk in the park. No major bills, no huge responsibilities. I invest in my 401k and keep the lawn at a perfect 2.5 inches. I invest in obscure hobbies and expand my mind with various challenges (the most recent being artisan cheese making, knife throwing, skeletal articulation, and becoming more proficient in playing the mandolin). My employer values my diligence in the workplace. My boss puts my work on a pedestal (as do I). My internship is nearly over and I am only a few months shy of obtaining my Funeral Director license. And I'm absolutely in love with my career, despite it being something that most people view as morbid and sad. For someone with depression and anxiety (not to mention a whole slew of other PTSD/trauma-related stuff), being around high emotions, sadness, death, and the constant reminder of our own mortality is quite good for me. My problems melt into the background and my focus shifts onto something very serious. I am a completely different person - giving those around me my most respectful and poised front-stage self (for all you Goffman fans).

Everything looks perfect on the outside...

Sometimes I think, though, that my "mask of sanity is about to slip"...

And maybe it's because I hate talking about my feelings with others. Hell, I can barely verbalize them to myself. Even on this forum, as I carefully go back and edit each sentence, I cannot put into words the "shtuff" that weighs so heavily on me.

For starters, I am extremely critical of myself and others. The fact that I even have crippling anxiety/depression makes me more depressed. It's a sick loop. And it's frustrating. I hate feeling weak. Especially in the workplace. I expect myself to "be best". The impressive and intimidating iron-fisted maiden of strength and beauty that lurks behind the scenes making everything go smoothly.

The unreasonable expectations I set for myself have always been the bane of my existence, but what is even worse is my harsh judgement of others.

I am very quick to notice when someone isn't doing something correctly. And no, I dont pull a Karen "Well, actually..."

At least I try not to. But what really makes my anxiety skyrocket is seeing people who are flat out slacking off, being lazy, being careless, not thinking or using common sense, etc. That is what makes my blood boil. I get physical symptoms, similar to a panic attack.

In most situations, I just run away as fast as I can. Woohoo, problem solved! An instant sigh of relief.

A job? I quit! Get a new one.
A relationship? It's over! Find another.
No regrets, easy peasy - a grand escape from the nightmare I was in... never looking back. Blocked. Deleted. Done.

Hence the reason I've had so many different jobs and so very many "serial monogomy-esque" relationships. I simply get fed up and ghost the entire situation, sometimes without explanation. And always without warning. Because up until that point, I had been consciously avoiding it; putting my feelings on the back burner, not because I'm afraid to voice myself (I am definitely not), but because I hate having to explain it to someone. I hate the drama and I absolutely despise drawing attention to myself. (Luckily, I can hide behind the illusion of anonymity here)

So here is the current predicament:
  • I love my role at work and want to keep this job forever.
  • I finally have a romantic partner that I am very fond of.
Hence the reason I'm depressed! I finally have what I want and I want to stick with both for the long haul. And in doing so, I'm no longer able to "peace the f*** out" whenever I feel like it. For my INTJ brain, this such a deadly trap to be in. And unfortunately I'm having to process things I normally wouldn't have in the past.

So with my wonderful blossoming career, I'm having to work side-by-side in close quarters with a couple of lazy imbeciles and underneath an unprofessional boss who treats everyone she meets with the "OMG-hashtag-Besties4Eva" attitude. They sit and laugh and giggle over things unrelated to work. I sit back in silence, trying to focus in on my task at hand. But my blood starts to boil. My throat tightens. My mind swims with everything I want to say to them, how I want to formulate my letter of resignation, etc. Then I remember how much I love my career. I instantly become overwhelmed because the situation around me (the stupidity circus of teammates) is dimming my spirit and killing the creative passion. I'm caught in a trap. I loose focus. My crippling depression returns to the forefront of my mind...

I'm now, for the first time ever, navigating how to handle myself when something about my partner irks me. At seven months of dating I'm starting to notice patterns of behavior I absolutely cannot stand. I'm again caught in a trap.

I'm trying to not let it get to me. But it is. It really really is. This is the second time in my life I've been in this deep of a depression. I feel ready to blow. I've even googled "how to care less about your job" in hopes it would help me ease up. I've purchased a ton of buddhist books on Amazon on mindfulness, compassion, etc. Nothing is helping. My psychiatrist recently increased my dose of antidepressants/antianxiety meds. My therapist has all but given up on me.

And I'm wondering... is the act of fulfilling my dreams actually tearing me down in a way?

If I stick with it, there will be frustration, disgust, anguish - the sick depressed feeling of being stuck and not being able to control/manipulate my environment. And hopefully this path would help me meet my end goal which is to have a happy relationship so I don't walk through life alone AND an amazing career that challenges me and lights me up from the inside. And of course, if I pull the plug on either, I have to start all over from scratch.

My big question to the universe:
Is this just who I am? Am I destined to feel sick over these "sticky feelings"?
Will I ever find reprieve from my partially self-induced mental anguish, or it is engrained in me?

Am I doing this to my self?

Or is my "self" doing this to me?
 

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God, you sound like me about six years ago...
I left the relationship and stayed at the job.
That field you're in is small and everyone knows everyone, hopefully your reputation has preceded you and if you leave with the title you've worked hard on, they'll come hunting for you.

How bad are the habits? Are they simply annoying or are they absolute deal breakers? Finish the Internship and immediately find another job in a different place is my only solution because that kind of an environment comes from the very top and unless you can wait for a competent boss which could be years assuming they can find a better boss that fits your needs then you simply don't have a choice. You need that internship to get the title unless your internship is willing to speak up for you now and allow you to leave with your title.

Sent from my IN2017 using Tapatalk
 

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No major bills, no huge responsibilities. I invest in my 401k and keep the lawn at a perfect 2.5 inches. I invest in obscure hobbies and expand my mind with various challenges... My employer values my diligence in the workplace... And I'm absolutely in love with my career...
Fabulous. Kudos. I like your hobbies and your unusual profession.

...I hate talking about my feelings with others... The unreasonable expectations I set for myself have always been the bane of my existence, but what is even worse is my harsh judgement of others.
Nothing wrong with being a perfectionist introvert. Your boss needs to step up and give you autonomy at work. Your co-workers are dunderheads. Separate their work from yours to the greatest extent possible. Specify on your job description. Your boss likes you. Cut a deal with her. Use institutional authority to get it done.

A job? I quit! Get a new one.
A relationship? It's over! Find another.
No regrets, easy peasy - a grand escape from the nightmare I was in... never looking back. Blocked. Deleted. Done.
Make sure you're not doing this out of anger. That would be Fe, and that would make it the INFJ door slam. If you leave, it has to be a cool-headed, rational decision. If you're angry, you still care. Go back and use that anger to try and change the situation to benefit yourself.

My big question to the universe:
...Am I doing this to my self?
Or is my "self" doing this to me?
Your question to the Universe? Nah. You're part of it.
I. Self. Universe. No distinction. All happening now.
IMO depression/anxiety is made worse by indecision and inaction. Radical acceptance is only useful after you try everything else.

Make an effort to convince your boss. Division of duties. Efficiency. Show her a plan. Use facts about time and money. Don't get mad if she refuses. Look for a different employer while you have a good reference. You might do well to own your own business, eventually.
 

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Are you there? Do you want to solve this? Or did you just want to complain?
All this advice-giving is bringing out my Te and making me into a bossy ENTJ. I have to quit.
 

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Discussion Starter #5 (Edited)
I do apologize for my rather late response time. And to answer your question, yes, I do want to solve my problem. I have no interest in simply complaining, and if that was the case, my original post would have been a long pointless rant.
I want you to know that this was a slow-growth opportunity for me; I barely ever verbalize my feelings, and doing so in an atmosphere of anonymity has been helpful. Even if I had gotten no responses, it would have been helpful. I do appreciate your feedback.
 

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Thank you for responding, so I know I'm not just shouting into the void. You don't have to keep us updated, but I do wish you the best possible outcome.

You appear to have your life together, regardless of how it seems to you. Everyone gets stuck in destructive patterns from time to time. As long as you stay MINDFUL of when you fall into them, you can rise above them.

People are shits sometimes. They always will be. You take care of yourself, and the others will sort themselves out.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
And just to give an update,
I suppose things have evolved a bit.

In terms of work, I'm considering some alternatives. As an INTJ with depression and an anxiety disorder, I have been getting physically ill thinking about continuing my internship/learning under my boss, who is completely incompetent. I have just flat out lost respect for her and her methods. Beyond the cute playful BFF attitude she has with everyone, she is a gossip with my coworkers and myself. There isn't anyone in the whole company that she hasn't talked smack about, and many times it is during our morning team meeting. Whoever isn't present will be a topic of discussion. Last time we talked I told her, "I'm only telling you these things because you keep conversations confidential and I like that about you"... blank stare 😶

I don't think she knew what I was really saying. She just giggled and agreed.

Beyond the personality differences, she spends ridiculous amounts of money on decor, ring cameras, and other crap she hasn't used at all. And even worse, she has created an atmosphere where half of the staff are now her daily after-hour drinking buddies. She even went so far as to buy alcohol on the company card at 1o'clock in the afternoon. 😐

It's so very hard to take her seriously. And I've been trying to play optimistic and look beyond it or focus on the learning aspect. It's almost pointless when I'm forced to endure her loud shrill laughter in my ear and sputtering giggling jowls hovering over my shoulder as she teaches me something. Ugh. It's painful.

I've been researching ways to influence (manipulate?) the situation in my favor, as well as verifying that this isn't just a case of workplace burnout. In terms of changing things, I doubt there is much I can do. And although it's a relatively large city that I live in, the funeral industry is very very small. Especially with so many discount cremation storefronts in the area now.

I just don't have the patience to continue on with this person as my superior. Sadly I cannot change the fact that we are attached at the hip (only because my intern license with the state is directly tied to her dual funeral director/embalming licenses). I'm either going to have to tough it out and hope that she eventually gets fired on her own or I need to find something else. I'm thinking I might choose the latter because I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to stomach her company.

On a better note, the relationship has gotten stronger and I have been doing a better job communicating my thoughts with a quicker response time (instead of spending minutes, hours, or a day identifying how I feel, then mentally listing all the various ways that the situation could be approached and going through all the potential conversations it could yield, and yes, considering all possible outcomes). So that's a plus.

My main concern right now is that I am currently on a two week vacation from work (staycation, rather) to take a mental break and figure out what I want to do, but it's nearing the end of that two weeks and my stomach is in knots. I don't want to think about it but my mind won't stop running through the lists of potential solutions, outcomes, etc. I'm still not sure what to do. I was hoping my break would give me a chance to breathe and go back strong but I think it actually had the adverse effect since it allowed me too much time to stew. Knowing me, this situation is only going to continue to aggravate me into a frenzy. If only I hated the position itself, things would be so easy.

I have 3 more days to let it marinade.
 
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