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Discussion Starter #1
I've been dating an INTJ male for the past two months. I am an ENFP.
Things were going really well...in my opinion.
We were hanging out 2-4 times a week for the past two months.

I believe that there were very clear signs he liked me very much..including:
offering to help me around my new house
engaging in deep theoretical conversations with me often
asking my opinion on different issues
opening up and telling me about his personal life, emotions and issues
holding my hand in public
having sex with me
initiating hugs/cuddling
making time for me often


Anyway, over the last two weeks he has been somewhat different. IT may be important to note he is dealing with a lot of stress in his life due to a chronic illness flaring up, however, I don't know if that is a valid excuse for his behavior.

He has had to cancel plans twice in the past few weeks due to his illness.....

The last time he did it, he did not give me very much advance notice, and I was the one that had to reach out to him to confirm the plans in the first place. I was upset, and had reached out to find out if I needed to make other plans...once I found out it was because he wasn't feeling well I let him know it was totally fine if he needed to stay home and rest, but to please let me know what he truly wants/needs in the future as it would make our lives easier.

After that he apologized several times, and said in the future he would err on the side of caution rather than assume he was going to feel better by the evening.


I of course felt terrible, so later that evening I sent him a message online, that basically laid out the fact that I really like him, so I'm here for him if he needs someone to talk to...that he is welcome over to my house anytime, or that if he needs to stay home...that is also okay too..but mainly to please just communicate to me what he wants. I can't read his mind..and like I said ... I like him.. I signed off by basically telling him that I would be here until he tells me wha the wants or tells me to go away...

After that he texted me that he needed time and space to think, because he doesn't have a lot of energy right now.....

IT has now been six days with radio silence from him...I texted him yesterday morning just to say hi...how are things? and I got absolutely nothing. I'm worried he's pulling the disappearing act on me..but I can't be sure....I just want to talk to him to know what is going on...but I can't get any response...

What should I do?
 

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He is already gone, imo.

My two pennies is why bother with someone who has such a lack of regard for even giving you some very basic courtesy of closure.

Granted any type is capable of anything. But really are you sure he is even INTJ. The two INTJs I dated were fine communicating clearly and concisely. I.e. They were not flakey. None of the INTJs I have ever known strike me as the vague leaving someone confused type.

It's been 24 hours, please consider having the attitude more of not wanting to pursue him considering he totally fricken ghosted you, which is so fricken rude after sharing time with someone after two months. He sounds like a pussy.
 

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After that he texted me that he needed time and space to think, because he doesn't have a lot of energy right now.....

IT has now been six days with radio silence from him...I texted him yesterday morning just to say hi...how are things? and I got absolutely nothing. I'm worried he's pulling the disappearing act on me..but I can't be sure....I just want to talk to him to know what is going on...but I can't get any response...

What should I do?
Wait, and send him just ONE message saying you hope he gets better and things improve, just that, don't send several messages, perhaps yo can say you are available if he wants to talk or to take some time for a walk, distraction etc (avoid sex or any potential sexual situation), as I said give him time.

INTJS need alone time, if he is in a bad moment he might need a lot of it. IF he is not talking about the problem well perhaps he doesn't want to, still doesn't have the full plan in his mind to share, doesn't want to share it with you or just doesn't see the point of doing it with you (those are options), perhaps he even tried and things didn't go as he wanted to. And... sometimes intjs can be so... intjs, they can see there is no point on having a relationship and avoid it for their own good and yours (this mean intjs might want a thing with you but still avoid it).

Other than those intj "things", well it is difficult to tell, most times if an intj is gone... is gone for good. Other than that remember type doesn't mean heart or honesty, so in my case I wouldn't be too sure about everything, in general, cases where people have sex and vanish are not good. A lot of people can initiate contact, make up an excuse, illness and be gone.
 

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What should I do?
I don't know what you should do but I can verify what not to do...

- asking repeatedly why he isn't replying
- calling repeatedly
- getting upset about when or how he replies
- describing his behavior in detail and asking him what it means
- describing his behavior in detail and then getting upset about it

doing that stuff would probably cause him to need even more alone time than he would previously... I mean you might not be why he needed alone time in the first place but you might be why his alone time isn't done yet...

trying to recharge emotions while someone repeatedly scrutinizes us, is kind of like trying to recharge a phone while someone keeps pulling the plug out of the wall... except worse, because the scrutiny is like a negative effect on energy levels instead of just pausing the recharge...

being the target of analysis and scrutiny is stressful, especially for introverts who have Fi in their stack...alone time helps us from any type of stress but especially that
 

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How can he give you advanced notice on when he's going to be sick?

I can be flakey about doing things for people because I'm forgetful about stuff like that, but when it comes to whether I want to stay in a relationship or not, I'm very clear. And if there are doubts, I'll let you know about them and why in bullet point form, especially if you ask directly. Every INTJ is different, but the ones I've known and even the ones on this forum aren't wafflers. We're together or we're not or we're on a "break," so we're not.

So my general advice is to move on. Don't waste your time pestering him. He said he needs time and space to "think," so give it to him in spades.
 

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Discussion Starter #7
He ended up messaging me on the sixth day...and said 'are you free tomorrow' I of course said I was. he then proceeded to say we should 'meet up somewhere'...He suggested we go out for dinner...I agreed.

Day of it turned out to be raining and stormy, so he suggested we go to my place and order take out.
The entire time I was expecting him to bring up some sort of conversation in regards to what he was 'thinking' about the entire six days he was gone. He brought nothing up and in fact acted as if nothing was amiss.

I kept things light and did not bring up the situation. We ended up having a really lovely evening...where he built a fire in my fireplace, and we sat in front of it, ordered Chinese take out, and talked for hours about various intellectual theories and topics of interest...We got into some really deep stuff about his emotions regarding relationships in general...more than we ever have before. One topic we breached was the fact that he had ever only been on three 'first dates' and all of them turned into relationships mainly because he would never even pursue a date with someone he hadn't observed and categorized into 'worthiness' for long term in advance. He didn't specifically bring up anything about our 'relationship', but he did frequently use phrases like 'people like us' meaning he and I...in regards to our intelligence and the way he and I deal with things...which I took as a huge compliment that he would even speak of me being on the same level as him intelligence wise among other things.

He admitted to me that he has a really hard time trusting anyone, and honestly does not trust anyone in his life including his own family. We spoke of bonds, and love and trust..and whether he has ever been in love before. Since he has not found that trust in anyone up to this point he was unsure. We just connected on a really deep level..and although no sex was involved this particular time we met up, I felt like we had a different kind of intimate bond happening all the same. Mind sex or something like it...I did mention to him that I respect his need to have alone time to think, but that a text to let me know he is going to disappear and not to worry would ease my mind.

Anyway, we made plans to get together next weekend...meaning a week later...which I am fine to do as long as I feel that his interest in me is not waning...

I am curious from you other INTJs to know how often you would hang out with someone you are dating on a weekly basis and consider yourselves close..

Once, twice, three times a week? ever other week? Just want to know as a point of reference.

THanks!
 

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Oh god I came here to finally reply to this thread after so long because of those many negative posts and you have a very heartwarming update so that's great :kitteh: I just wanted to say to give him the time he needs and that in my experience INTJs don't just pull disappearing acts, but all is well :kitteh:
Also maybe his illness was giving him a very bad mood and he wanted isolation, that's what I initially thought.
 

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In my case if I decide to open up to someone, it is a big deal, so it means I value this person. It means also I may consider having a relationship with such a person, but it takes time to build trust. Imho I would not worry about the time your next date is scheduled, because he might be busy and rushing into things would make more damage than good. But of course remember also about your own needs. Best of luck
 

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Discussion Starter #10
@ENFPisces1289
Oh god I came here to finally reply to this thread after so long because of those many negative posts and you have a very heartwarming update so that's great :kitteh: I just wanted to say to give him the time he needs and that in my experience INTJs don't just pull disappearing acts, but all is well :kitteh:
Also maybe his illness was giving him a very bad mood and he wanted isolation, that's what I initially thought.
@Red Panda....
I was also very happy to have a positive update! Thank you so much for your advice....as a newly discovered ENFP, dating my first INTJ...it has been a roller coaster of unknowns! happy to have this database of straight shooters to get advice from.
 

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Once, twice, three times a week? ever other week? Just want to know as a point of reference.

THanks!
We're all different.

For me, it depends. If we're farther along in dating, I'll usually adjust to their preferences. More than twice a week is not happening, though unless we're married or if there's an event [like a movie festival or vacation] we planned together. And when I feel like someone is unreasonably demanding my time, I'll turn cold and maybe think about backing away.

Good that you got to see him again. Giving him space is good, but don't forget about your own needs.

eta: Oh, also him telling you about his trust issues is/was a way to open up talking about what he was thinking for a week. That's a great sign for your future together.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Things finally came to a head yesterday with my INTJ.

It had been about three weeks of distance....after two and a half months of seeing each other all the time, having the most passionate conversations and sex either of us has admittedly ever had...but we are deadlocked.

I finally confronted him about his distance..and his need for 'time and space' to think about our situation. We met up last night and talked for two hours.
It was so odd..because I was having terrible anxiety about the whole thing, but when it came time to lay it all out, I did so without reservation, and was able to almost* clearly articulate everything I wanted to say.

I have been so confused lately...I was not looking for a relationship at the time we began hanging out, and still even after everything that has transpired I don't fully understand what I want from the situation. It completely caught me off guard.

I felt an instant connection to him. I had no need to wear the social masks...keep up with pretenses or rules or pressure....I operated completely freely and without reservation with absolutely no filter. and I felt completely understood...and safe. I have been in several serious relationships one lasting almost 10 years..and I never felt as understood or as intellectually matched or as passionate as when I was with him. Passionate in everything..conversations, body language, confidence, and intimacy. We had the deepest conversations I've ever had with anyone...

And yet there is no logical explanation for why I feel the way I feel. I am drawn to him.....and I thought he was drawn to me..
We went on many dates, spent a lot of time together, and just completely connected. He kept showing up to spend time with me, talk to me and ask my opinions. We slept together on multiple occasions...and yet...he began to pull away.

I had to start writing down my thoughts, to be able to go back and analyze why I feel the way I do. Its hard to dissect...

Anyway, when we got together...we talked. He told me he has distanced himself to think about the situation.
He said that he has really taken a lot of time to come to a decision. he also said he completely takes emotion out of every decision he makes to not bias the outcome...

He says that he knew I was starting to get attached (something I didn't even realize at the time)....
That he is in a major phase of self improvement right now and when that happens he is entirely focused on his health, his job etc etc...
He says that life is a constant pursuit of knowledge and betterment, and basically that although it sounds arrogant he often feels 'above' most situations. Like..'what's the point' of getting involved when he has already pre determined a negative outcome. He says that with the constant pursuit of knowledge everything is a distraction. I understand his goals of making himself better...Everyone is on the same path ..everyone seeks the same validation and success in one way or another..but that doesn't he want to have fun? Doesn't he want to experience life? To me, knowledge comes from experience first and foremost...He needs to have life experiences to learn..but he keeps shutting down opportunities because he is afraid to feel emotions. He views emotions and emotional decisions as major weaknesses.
He told me that we think so alike, and understand each other so well, and have really deep meaningful conversations...and that he enjoys spending time with me...but that he is not in a place to be with me in that way.. He talked about this in a very particular way and phrased everything almost to not touch on what he was feeling but how it would be for me. I point blank finally asked him why he does this..and what does he FEEL. He says it is a self defense mechanism...he is like an 'abyss' everyone wants to stare into and try to figure out, but they won't ever be able to because he deflects. He also mentioned something about how we are like two black holes, creating an infinite loop where we would only pass information back and forth but never grow which is why he doesn't think things would work between us.

I had a really really difficult time understanding this. He tried to further explain by saying 'knowledge is matter, and matter gets sucked into a blackhole and basically destroyed, but that in an infinite loop the knowledge would be passed back and forth and shredded up and shared but never expanded upon. I did not understand how this applied to us...so any help here would be greatly appreciated.

I told him to me he is more like the night sky...mesmerizing and beautiful...but no one will ever be able to explore it all...as it is ever expanding. He loved this metaphor..and I tried to say that we are like two parts of the night sky that are layered to create a whole picture. We balance each other out rather than hold each other back.But he was stuck on the black hole metaphor I cant stop trying to figure him out..
I can't figure out how he knows me so well after such a short period of time.
I can't figure out why his repeated actions show he has interest in me, and he acted on it but has now stopped
I can't figure out why he won't tell me what he was feeling


I truly believe that he had such feelings about it that it was too difficult for him to process. He doesn't want to let people in. He has admitted to me that he has never fully trusted anyone, not even his own family..that he usually ends up moving on in situations because he does not care enough to keep things going with anyone (this is linked to his depression)...that he usually ends up disappearing ...that he distances and isolates himself to figure things out

Either way I know I am rambling but I'm sad.
I care about this person.

We both expressed that we care very much about the other and hope that they accomplish their goals.
We are still remaining friends...
He said that he would call me and talk to me at least once a week and will come over to see me

He also said he is not trying to date or sleep with other people...

So I am very confused by all of this.

I know that I am not ready for a serious relationship...
But I have never experienced these kinds of feelings and I am almost 29 years old.
I don't know what I want...right now am trying to take time to examine this and figure it out.

I do know that I want to know how he feels about me honestly..and I would like some clarification on the black hole metaphor if possible....

And I want to see how we are together in the next few weeks...

I hope that he can further explore his feelings, rather than shut them down as soon as any 'big emotion/feeling' comes along.

I felt passion, and chemistry, and deep connection. I can't believe that I would be able to feel those things at all if they weren't reciprocated.

The root of my feelings came from my ability to completely be myself around him. I had fluidity between feelings and actions. And this scared him. He said I began doing 'relationship things'...like kissing him goodbye when he left.

I told him these things came so naturally to me that I didn't question or overanalyze anything I did around him.
I told him at the end of this all that I am just happy that I know this kindof connection actually exists, I am only wondering if I will be unable to find it again.

I made an offhand comment about..oh when you meet another girl like me..and he stopped me right there and said ' I'll never ever meet someone quite like you.'. I said I don't know whether to take that as a compliment and he said...'It is definitely a compliment'.

and so here I am...in love with an INTJ who has either led me on, or who has shut down a beautiful opportunity because he doesn't understand his feelings...or is too afraid to feel them.

It hurts. A lot.
 

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Sorry to read this.
You have done all you could. If he can't handle big emotions or whatever, that's his issue. Unfortunately, it doesn't seem that your efforts can change his approach. You value these wonderful things in your relationship and he has to be able to appreciate them nearly as much as you do to further things in a satisfying way.
I don't know if it has been reciprocal, but, so long as he isn't willing to work on the issues and experience the intimacy caused by your passion and compatibility, it makes no difference.
IMO, don't pursue him anymore. If he turns down a wonderful opportunity for connection and love to go through his personal growth, let him be. Don't waste your time.
 
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