Personality Cafe banner

1 - 17 of 17 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
917 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
One of my close friends recently doorslammed me, effectively cutting me out of her life for good by severing all communication ties, and refusing to say why.

This would be somewhat okay if we weren't so close, and if I had some idea as to how I might of offended her, but I truly have no idea why she's done so, as all I've ever done is try to help her through life.
Not even her best friend can get her to give a reason as to why, she just doesn't even want to talk about me at all.

So, any ideas why?
 
  • Like
Reactions: Ayia

·
Registered
Joined
·
547 Posts
I door slammed my ENFJ best friend for a few months because I felt that no more could be gained from keeping that friendship. I don't do it on purpose, it just happened for a briefish period, because of the previously mentioned reason. (Uhhh but I took her back hehehe because I don't think ENFPs are very good at completely cutting people off. Also, regardless of MBTI type she is special to me cuz she's an old friend)

INTJs are private, and apparently they sort things out in their heads. So when they reach a decision they execute it and they can do so quite remorselessly, without feeling the need to tell anyone else, which is why she's not telling you why. Your friend might have decided nothing else could come out of your friendship like I did or perhaps she just wants to be alone.

Have you considered what you might have done to make her door slam you? Were you uber smothering?

Anyway, there are a billion reasons she could have done it! Perhaps you overlooked something?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
17 Posts
My ESFP friend recently went through this with her INTJ best friend. The ESFP never saw it coming and it hit her like a ton of bricks. The INTJ just completely cut her off very suddenly with no explanation at all after they had been very close for several years. I think the INTJ felt too emotionally drained by the ESFPs strong emotional needs and decided to cut the friendship off as an act of self-preservation. My ESFP friend was in a lot of emotional pain and turmoil for a couple of months after the friendship was broken off. She still doesn't have an explanation for why the INTJ reacted this way and I don't think she ever will know for sure.

While getting doorslamed is always painful I feel that it may be more so when it's an INTJ to do it. INTJs can make a logical deduction that a relationship is harmful or stagnant and cut it off very cleanly. When doing this, they often feel no remorse or regret and refuse to give any explanation why.

Once shut out, INTJs don't go back or feel guilt about it. They make up their minds and stick with it. This makes it easier for them to move on and shut out the relationship completely. It also makes it extremely difficult to regain a friendship with one once shut out.

The INTJ may have shut you out because they felt that they had nothing more to gain in the relationship or felt that they may get hurt from the relationship. If they felt that they may get hurt then they may have have cut you off to protect themselves and hide behind their virtually impenetrable walls. You may never know for sure, though.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,250 Posts
...all I've ever done is try to help her through life.
Red flag, red flag, danger danger Will Robinson. When you say "help her through life," were you simply being supportive in a more passive role, or did you actually have some sort of idealized vision of her in your head - a way that you felt she "ought" to be, or a direction she "ought" to go - that you were subtly manipulating her (maybe not intentionally) towards?

A more callous version of the same question: did you value her as a friend and as a person, as good company and someone you genuinely enjoyed having around; or did you see her as a "project?" Both of the above? Neither of the above?

The wording - trying to "help her through life" - makes you sound a bit controlling, which would definitely be a good enough reason for me to shut someone out.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
608 Posts
My guess is that you weren't paying attention. INTJs use the silent treatment a lot especially when they think the problem is obvious. Often the problem is obvious only to someone paying attention (which turns out to be a small portion of the population).
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
917 Posts
Discussion Starter #6
Red flag, red flag, danger danger Will Robinson. When you say "help her through life," were you simply being supportive in a more passive role, or did you actually have some sort of idealized vision of her in your head - a way that you felt she "ought" to be, or a direction she "ought" to go - that you were subtly manipulating her (maybe not intentionally) towards?

A more callous version of the same question: did you value her as a friend and as a person, as good company and someone you genuinely enjoyed having around; or did you see her as a "project?" Both of the above? Neither of the above?

The wording - trying to "help her through life" - makes you sound a bit controlling, which would definitely be a good enough reason for me to shut someone out.
Yes, she was both a project and a wonderful person, but the only way in which I helped was by removing every obstacle that she herself designated between herself and what she wanted to be/do.

I know she's a paranoid schizophrenic with split personalities, but her other personality is a friend, and I've never done anything to hurt either of them (other than scaring the other personality into being less aggressive, which I shortly afterwards made up to her), so I for one can't see the problem there.

Yes, she asked me one time to stop making her problems my own "because I might get hurt", but after an hour long talk, she accepted that letting me help was beneficial to us both. This was about 2 months ago.
Lately she's been cutting off a lot of her friends, to, again, stop herself from hurting them, but she told me "I couldn't hurt you even if I tried."
Not sure if that's her calling me stupid or a genuine compliment, but I'm assuming the latter.

Helping her kept me from stressing out in my day to day life, helping her cheered me up, and now I can't even do that much for her, and what makes it even worse is that she found the only way I can think of to actually cause me distress, which is to cut me off without giving me either a warning or a reason.

She was one of my emotional anchors, and she didn't even know it, as I was rarely emotional with her, always matter-of-fact, concise, the same as her in almost every logical and vocal manner.

PS: loving the Lost In Space reference.
 
  • Like
Reactions: geekofalltrades

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,250 Posts
Ah... she's mentally ill. That makes her behavior harder to explain. :tongue:

Yes, she asked me one time to stop making her problems my own "because I might get hurt", but after an hour long talk, she accepted that letting me help was beneficial to us both.
This is still a bit worrying to me personally, though. It sounds as though you sort of made it your duty to help her. (Please correct me if I'm wrong.) If you were friends first, and then she asked for or said she needed your support, that would be one thing. But appointing yourself her personal counselor... I, at least, would start to resent you for that, after a while.

...the only way in which I helped was by removing every obstacle that she herself designated between herself and what she wanted to be/do.
Not everyone necessarily likes having someone prancing along in front of them laying their jacket across every puddle. Especially if they're an INTJ. INTJs are stereotypically great at forming structured, long-term plans, and they like being in control. My dad is extremely INTJ, and I know him well enough to know that having someone coddle him like this would frustrate the crap out of him. It would make him feel impotent, and he would see you as condescending for assuming that he needed your help. (I would feel the same way.)
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,560 Posts
Not much to say, all of the proper things have been mentioned and thanked by me.

Carry on.
 
  • Like
Reactions: CptKickerCutleg

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,241 Posts
The doorslaming of my ENFP acquaintance is imminent. Her irrational and whining behavior has become even higher, and it's draining the crap out of my energies to keep up with this.

I could have done it when I perceived things would become this way, but I decided to get along and give her a chance. A little regret nonetheless...
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,990 Posts
One of my close friends recently doorslammed me, effectively cutting me out of her life for good by severing all communication ties, and refusing to say why.

This would be somewhat okay if we weren't so close, and if I had some idea as to how I might of offended her, but I truly have no idea why she's done so, as all I've ever done is try to help her through life.
Not even her best friend can get her to give a reason as to why, she just doesn't even want to talk about me at all.

So, any ideas why?
got no freakin clue, an INFJ I liked did the same thing to me, still don't know WTH happened

my purely theoretical explanation is these people are too sensitive, although it's hard not to judge them as being incredibly arrogant or stupid/crazy to dispose of people this way

even I don't do this
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,647 Posts
So far, I've been the recipient of a lot of INTJ love. The heavens help me if I screw up to the point an INTJ doorslams me (I love them too much!). In any case, the INTJs I know are very patient; I know firsthand from them that once a person is in their inner circle, the INTJs in my life will give the person benefit of doubt and cut him/her slack. But there's a point at which their threshold will no longer tolerate a person's antics. After a person crosses that invisible but very real line, that doorslam is executed and they will not look back or regret their decision one bit. I think the main thing is to respect them and be straight-forward with them. Also, any hint of manipulation or an inability to be self-reliant is a major turn-off for the INTJs I know...quite frankly, they're a major turn-off to me, too, and I'm a true-blue INFJ. I have to say though, having an INTJ's loyalty is like gold.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
131 Posts
could be dealing with some stress. I don't know about her, but when i'm dealing with it, i like to retire to the crevice undr my rock. It can last up to two weeks.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
627 Posts
it could be stress in her life, and she doesn't want to drain her friends with her problems. otherwise, when they see her, they may want to run in the opposite direction.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
174 Posts
I "doorslam" in that I stop communicating with friends and start to become more withdrawn. I usually do this to reorganize my thoughts or if I'm feeling unsatisfied. Unsatisfied such as knowledge wise.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
25 Posts
Some INTJs on another forum claimed that only after being doorslammed themselves they realized how immature and cruel that actually is and how they'd never do it again, at least not without an explanation to the person in question.

I think of it as the ultimate act of selfishness. "Who the fuck cares about all but my own well-being."
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
357 Posts
It maybe in the INTJ's normal mental physique to shut people out when they feel like they have nothing to gain, but that doesn't mean it's okay to do this. The way I see it, this is damaging for both the INTJ and the friend getting door slammed.
Now this is just from an INFJ perspective so correct me if I am wrong- but the INTJ may feel like they are doing the logical and most beneficial thing for themselves, but in the long run I think they are only damaging themselves. If they constantly cut people out Judy because the friendship isn't wowing them anymore they will have no one left, and then they will be miserable. Yes, I know INTJ relish their alone time, but no one wants to bear all their emotional pain alone.
Another thing to consider is the friend being door slammed. It's true that some people just don't fit together as friends, and if that happens then the best option would be to gently break that to the other person. Confrontation might not be what the INTJ WANs, but Ignoring them and putting them threw guessing games can be very confusing and hurtful for the other person.
 
1 - 17 of 17 Posts
Top