Ok here is the story bear with me and the details, I am an ISTJ in a relationship with an INTJ. We have been together for the past 8 months, the first couple of months were hell as I was getting my bearing and generally scared shitless of being with anyone. We were friends for three years before and we always had a connection.
We got over that period and things were great, full of bumps but there was nothing we couldnt talk about. Anything that crossed our minds we talked about and as far as I know communication between any couple couldnt be better. His ability to imagine and my ability to make it reality, what we dreamed came true. We were equal with every challenge I realized that we were more alike than I thought possible, with our drive to work exceptionally high and actually matching sex drives with an ability to sit down and simply watch grass grow. Even with my ability to see the worse of everything I had to admit I was running out of reasons. I live in the present, the future too unknown for my taste, He loved living in what could be. Things were rock solid even with turbulence. To my ISTJ head I felt fantastic having such solid ground to stand on.
Then something happened. Something which I thought make things for the better. He started talking about a future. Scared out of my mind cause a) I wanted it as well. and b)that may be he is just high on emotions, I didnt react much, letting him rant then agreeing. After sometime I let my own imagination go and before I knew what I was doing I was considering how nice it would be to make him coffee every morning. I panicked but he encouraged me on, and with his vivid imagination I felt like he was already designing the future inside his head. He looked settled and serene like he knew exactly what he wanted and what will he do it about it.
Hell broke lose. First week he became insecure and just vulnerable, thinking he just needs affirmation I did my best as my reserved nature will let me. Even told him things so revealing but I thought it would make him feel secure. It passed, things were ok then because the heavens love me, his grandmother died, and then hell really broke lose. He was confused and stressed, I had many things going on so I couldnt see him for two days, during which I stayed on the phone with him most of the time making sure he is ok, eating, sleeping, rested and even amused. I know the reputation of INTJs are heartless but I also know that u guys feel so I did my best. He seemed to be falling in love with me all over again, looking at me not just as a GF but a partner and even sometimes I saw it his eyes as something else all together.
A week passed between him getting irrational fears that I helped him through with no complaints. He always looked and felt great when would go out, as if my kiss erased all the bad feelings. Then he would go home and all of a sudden at night when we say goodnight things would shift his head goes to dark places and he just loses all his sense. A week later I was talking to him and he asked me to analyze what was wrong with him (a game we play as he things I am great with psychology) carefully I did just that, he took it greatly and admitted he was a commitment phobe. I felt a bit hurt by that but we talked about it and I eventually told him that I accept anything but I dont want to doubt if he wants to be with me or not, he denied it heavily but I kept getting the feeling.
The week passed horribly everyday we would talk about sth useless and it ends up with him saying sorry I didnt mean that and me hurt by something he said that just had no basis. Today I told him what I really thought was happening, I think he is self sabotaging, he saw potential and ever since then he has been unconsciously trying to hurt me with no grounds. I spoke my mind, being extra mean cause I wanted him to know he needs to fix things and he claimed he wanted to hear what I thought so I went all the way. without screaming but rationally we always talked that way even when things were hectic. I didnt lose my temper and I told him to introvert and think then to come back to me. I am scared he would come back and be fine just like before and then lose it again. It happened quite alot lately and I just cant handle more slashing really I cant.
Please any help would be appreciated just let me know is this normal among INTJs when feeling things are getting serious? I didnt push for anything serious by all means he did it all on his own and I just followed. I am sorry for the long post but I am really losing my mind. its been three weeks of arguing! :frustrating:
We got over that period and things were great, full of bumps but there was nothing we couldnt talk about. Anything that crossed our minds we talked about and as far as I know communication between any couple couldnt be better. His ability to imagine and my ability to make it reality, what we dreamed came true. We were equal with every challenge I realized that we were more alike than I thought possible, with our drive to work exceptionally high and actually matching sex drives with an ability to sit down and simply watch grass grow. Even with my ability to see the worse of everything I had to admit I was running out of reasons. I live in the present, the future too unknown for my taste, He loved living in what could be. Things were rock solid even with turbulence. To my ISTJ head I felt fantastic having such solid ground to stand on.
Then something happened. Something which I thought make things for the better. He started talking about a future. Scared out of my mind cause a) I wanted it as well. and b)that may be he is just high on emotions, I didnt react much, letting him rant then agreeing. After sometime I let my own imagination go and before I knew what I was doing I was considering how nice it would be to make him coffee every morning. I panicked but he encouraged me on, and with his vivid imagination I felt like he was already designing the future inside his head. He looked settled and serene like he knew exactly what he wanted and what will he do it about it.
Hell broke lose. First week he became insecure and just vulnerable, thinking he just needs affirmation I did my best as my reserved nature will let me. Even told him things so revealing but I thought it would make him feel secure. It passed, things were ok then because the heavens love me, his grandmother died, and then hell really broke lose. He was confused and stressed, I had many things going on so I couldnt see him for two days, during which I stayed on the phone with him most of the time making sure he is ok, eating, sleeping, rested and even amused. I know the reputation of INTJs are heartless but I also know that u guys feel so I did my best. He seemed to be falling in love with me all over again, looking at me not just as a GF but a partner and even sometimes I saw it his eyes as something else all together.
A week passed between him getting irrational fears that I helped him through with no complaints. He always looked and felt great when would go out, as if my kiss erased all the bad feelings. Then he would go home and all of a sudden at night when we say goodnight things would shift his head goes to dark places and he just loses all his sense. A week later I was talking to him and he asked me to analyze what was wrong with him (a game we play as he things I am great with psychology) carefully I did just that, he took it greatly and admitted he was a commitment phobe. I felt a bit hurt by that but we talked about it and I eventually told him that I accept anything but I dont want to doubt if he wants to be with me or not, he denied it heavily but I kept getting the feeling.
The week passed horribly everyday we would talk about sth useless and it ends up with him saying sorry I didnt mean that and me hurt by something he said that just had no basis. Today I told him what I really thought was happening, I think he is self sabotaging, he saw potential and ever since then he has been unconsciously trying to hurt me with no grounds. I spoke my mind, being extra mean cause I wanted him to know he needs to fix things and he claimed he wanted to hear what I thought so I went all the way. without screaming but rationally we always talked that way even when things were hectic. I didnt lose my temper and I told him to introvert and think then to come back to me. I am scared he would come back and be fine just like before and then lose it again. It happened quite alot lately and I just cant handle more slashing really I cant.
Please any help would be appreciated just let me know is this normal among INTJs when feeling things are getting serious? I didnt push for anything serious by all means he did it all on his own and I just followed. I am sorry for the long post but I am really losing my mind. its been three weeks of arguing! :frustrating: