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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)
Ok here is the story bear with me and the details, I am an ISTJ in a relationship with an INTJ. We have been together for the past 8 months, the first couple of months were hell as I was getting my bearing and generally scared shitless of being with anyone. We were friends for three years before and we always had a connection.

We got over that period and things were great, full of bumps but there was nothing we couldnt talk about. Anything that crossed our minds we talked about and as far as I know communication between any couple couldnt be better. His ability to imagine and my ability to make it reality, what we dreamed came true. We were equal with every challenge I realized that we were more alike than I thought possible, with our drive to work exceptionally high and actually matching sex drives with an ability to sit down and simply watch grass grow. Even with my ability to see the worse of everything I had to admit I was running out of reasons. I live in the present, the future too unknown for my taste, He loved living in what could be. Things were rock solid even with turbulence. To my ISTJ head I felt fantastic having such solid ground to stand on.

Then something happened. Something which I thought make things for the better. He started talking about a future. Scared out of my mind cause a) I wanted it as well. and b)that may be he is just high on emotions, I didnt react much, letting him rant then agreeing. After sometime I let my own imagination go and before I knew what I was doing I was considering how nice it would be to make him coffee every morning. I panicked but he encouraged me on, and with his vivid imagination I felt like he was already designing the future inside his head. He looked settled and serene like he knew exactly what he wanted and what will he do it about it.

Hell broke lose. First week he became insecure and just vulnerable, thinking he just needs affirmation I did my best as my reserved nature will let me. Even told him things so revealing but I thought it would make him feel secure. It passed, things were ok then because the heavens love me, his grandmother died, and then hell really broke lose. He was confused and stressed, I had many things going on so I couldnt see him for two days, during which I stayed on the phone with him most of the time making sure he is ok, eating, sleeping, rested and even amused. I know the reputation of INTJs are heartless but I also know that u guys feel so I did my best. He seemed to be falling in love with me all over again, looking at me not just as a GF but a partner and even sometimes I saw it his eyes as something else all together.

A week passed between him getting irrational fears that I helped him through with no complaints. He always looked and felt great when would go out, as if my kiss erased all the bad feelings. Then he would go home and all of a sudden at night when we say goodnight things would shift his head goes to dark places and he just loses all his sense. A week later I was talking to him and he asked me to analyze what was wrong with him (a game we play as he things I am great with psychology) carefully I did just that, he took it greatly and admitted he was a commitment phobe. I felt a bit hurt by that but we talked about it and I eventually told him that I accept anything but I dont want to doubt if he wants to be with me or not, he denied it heavily but I kept getting the feeling.

The week passed horribly everyday we would talk about sth useless and it ends up with him saying sorry I didnt mean that and me hurt by something he said that just had no basis. Today I told him what I really thought was happening, I think he is self sabotaging, he saw potential and ever since then he has been unconsciously trying to hurt me with no grounds. I spoke my mind, being extra mean cause I wanted him to know he needs to fix things and he claimed he wanted to hear what I thought so I went all the way. without screaming but rationally we always talked that way even when things were hectic. I didnt lose my temper and I told him to introvert and think then to come back to me. I am scared he would come back and be fine just like before and then lose it again. It happened quite alot lately and I just cant handle more slashing really I cant.

Please any help would be appreciated just let me know is this normal among INTJs when feeling things are getting serious? I didnt push for anything serious by all means he did it all on his own and I just followed. I am sorry for the long post but I am really losing my mind. its been three weeks of arguing! :frustrating:
 

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I myself have reacted in similar ways in my relationship, just not to such extremes. Like your beloved, my mind seems to rather enjoy exploring all manner of possibility- Even the darkest of possibilities.

As confident as the INTJ is in every other area, we tend to be the least confident when it comes to relationships due mostly to the fact we don't actively deal with such powerful emotions on any typical given day, nor do we aptly express them in ways other types can readily understand. Basically, it's foreign turf, so it's a veritable mine field for many of us.

In addition to this, we, as David Keirsey puts it, are almost hypersensitive to signals of rejection. So, if we pick up a bad vibe, we tend to run with it in our minds which may manifest itself in the form of insecurity (that is, IF we aren't already running for the proverbial hills in fear at this juncture).

Naturally, with all that having been said, I can't read his mind, so I may be incorrect on all accounts. I would advise consulting him on such matters to get the straight "scoop".

I do believe your handling of this situation is the best course of action. Your patience and willingness to give him the space he requires to process his strong, overwhelming emotions sounds to me to be the winning combo. Hopefully, the more he sees your commitment and resolve over time, the more he will relax and learn to enjoy the gem he's found in you :)
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Jomama thank u for the insight, I think u summed it up really well. I am hoping that by time he will get back on his feet just like u said. I just wanted to make sure that I wasn't messing up things on my end, I tend to blame myself quite alot and I just didn't want to burden the relationship with that sort of guilt atm. I have told him what I thought and I guess I will wait and see...
 

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Paragraphs, jesus christ.
Apology to the OP, but this made me snort my beer up my nose. Thanks..for that.

To the OP, I'd say it's fairly common for me to do this. When things are great, life is good and all that fluffy stuff, I'm damn near shooting a rainbow out of my ass I'm so in love. When any area of my life hits a rough patch, I retreat mentally and my mind goes full on nutjob if I'm in a relationship. From making up scenarios of breaking up to scenarios of a Hans Christian Andersen ending. It's messed up, I freely admit that much. But things chill out and get back to their fucked up normal and I get out of that circle of hell I put myself in.
 

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It's normal.

I was in a similar situation, from the other side of course. I had doubts about an LTR, but she made me feel so good (a rarity) that I kept her around. Her dropping hints at the future made things worse, though; it made me want to run the other way. So don't.

Stress probably played/is playing a huge factor in his odd behavior. Stress + commitmentphobia made me entirely unpalatable. For example, a few months back I had to study for the GRE, get started on a research project, host some friends coming in from overseas for a week (planning tours, booking local travel tickets), work a hectic schedule, etc, etc. It was in this window of time (I remember the exact moment) that our relationship soured. He likes you, so he's fighting like hell with his own commitment-demons. But he's stressed which lowers his willpower to fight his natural aversion to commitment. Don't stress/push him further ie: don't give him an additional excuse to stop fighting.

I can't speak for other INTJs but I typically don't end romantic relationships; the other person gets frustrated with my non-commital and seeks someone else. What I mean by this is that if you continue to make him feel comfortable, he probably won't get rid of you.


Final recommendation:
Keep treating him well, give him space if he needs it, and don't address long-term unless he does as well. Either tread carefully or be very, very patient... or both.

Or you could just get pregnant. That's how my cousin-in-law snagged my INTJ cousin. :crazy:
 

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Or you could just get pregnant. That's how my cousin-in-law snagged my INTJ cousin. :crazy:
Bahaha, i just love stories of shotgun weddings- especially more so when the couple in question are cousins..


Final recommendation:
Keep treating him well, give him space if he needs it, and don't address long-term unless he does as well. Either tread carefully or be very, very patient... or both.
Back on topic, ^^ this sounds like good advice, i know when I'm grappling with inner demons it helps when I have A LOT of time by my self to think about it all.
 

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Or you could just get pregnant. That's how my cousin-in-law snagged my INTJ cousin. :crazy:
This is cruel and unusual punishment. :crying:

OP, as difficult as that was to read, there isn't much else you can do. Just be up front that your intent is for the long haul. It's like fumbling around in the dark. You feel your way around for a while memorizing where things are and what they feel like but it still doesn't make sense. One day you'll find the switch and the entire room will be lit. You just have to ride it out until that switch goes off.

Also, I don't know why but well timed ambush sex seems to work on me for reassurance.
 

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Bahaha, i just love stories of shotgun weddings- especially more so when the couple in question are cousins..

FWIW they're not cousins to each other, haha :crazy: She became my cousin-in-law 2 months after she announced that she was 4 months preggers. :tongue:
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
Thanks alot for the advice guys it does help me understand but what I dont understand is if he went down the future road on his own and then got scared from it but again claims he is fine and is again talking about a future like nothing happened. This time I am not participating, I told him to make sure and sent him off to be alone but am still not buying it. Just to be clear, he first told me he was a commitment phobe but then after consideration decided he wasnt. I am still confused.

I am patient but I am really starting to lose it here, I am starting to wish he never talked about a future I prefer reserved and solid rather than ups and downs. Really second guessing isn't my thing, my mind was/is made up. I thought INTJs were the same in that department!

Pregnant to get married? people still fall for that?! I dont want to get married. I want the old him back, or a better one.
 

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I can't speak for other INTJs but I typically don't end romantic relationships; the other person gets frustrated with my non-commital and seeks someone else. What I mean by this is that if you continue to make him feel comfortable, he probably won't get rid of you.
All my breakups have been initiated by me. In all cases, the partner didn't really see it coming and got damaged.
 

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I agree with the others, this is not damaged behavior coming from an INTJ.

Emotion can lead us to take a leap that our rationality hasn't yet reconciled. It can take an INTJ some time to make sense of what's happened... but if sense can be made of it, sense will be made of it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
I agree with the others, this is not damaged behavior coming from an INTJ.

Emotion can lead us to take a leap that our rationality hasn't yet reconciled. It can take an INTJ some time to make sense of what's happened... but if sense can be made of it, sense will be made of it.
Well I like sense, I live off of it. I am taking comfort in what u said.
 

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I am quite grateful for the lough , that I received today seriously I was in need of that lough :happy:
 

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I don't know how old you are or where you're at in the rest of your life, but this relationship sounds exhausting... I'm a little tired just reading it (no apologies needed, it was my decision to do so), so it makes me think: What do you want?

If you think about the type of life and partner you want, is this type of insecurity going to cut it for you? Is it OK to have to feel so skeptical? Do you want to move smoothly along?

There are no right answers, of course, but you should give yourself permission to make good relationship decisions for yourself and to have what you want.
 

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FWIW they're not cousins to each other, haha :crazy: She became my cousin-in-law 2 months after she announced that she was 4 months preggers. :tongue:
Bahaha, oh god don't you just love shotgun weddings..:crazy:

I agree with Isis though, you have to do what is right for yourself first before any relationship can work.
 
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