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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
So my ex-boyfriend is an INTJ, we broke up a year or so ago because he was too shy and reserved and I just wasn't able to bring him out of his shell, also my family was having problems and I've found that I've a pattern, when my family is getting tough I cut off my other relationships for some reasons (maybe a bit of discussion on that too, do any other ENFPs find this or something similar to this?)

So we broke up and he got defensive which put me on the offence which in turn put him on the offence and shall we say there was bad blood. However, now we've both forgiven each other and become close friends however lately he's become very detached, just as I've began to get very attached and it just feels like whenever we try we're just not compatible, according to your experience will and male INTJ/female ENFP relationship work? What are your experiences?
 

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You can make an omelet out of an egg, but you can never make an egg out of an omelet.

Once a relationship bridge has been crossed, there are some things that just are never the same. You can be friends, but it has to be a different kind of friendship that acknowledges a deeper intimacy once existed and has boundaries in place that didn't exist before.

His withdrawing may be his way of putting down that boundary if he senses your growing attachment. You've been down that road before, he knows as well as you how that turned out, and he probably doesn't want to repeat the journey.

Compatibility has very little to do with type and everything to do with the individuals. It's just not right with you two for whatever reasons. Those could be something that just was and there's nothing that could be done about it. Or it could have been fixable with time, experience, maturity, etc...but you both made the choice to not continue with the relationship.

It will only drive you crazy to analyze the what ifs and maybes. I realize and understand completely that the middle ground of friendship is a strange place to be when you've been romantic - we're great at all or nothing, not so good at processing anything in between. That said, it's time to change perspective and reframe your role back to that of a friend and not a lost opportunity or something to be repaired.

If you need to have a talk with him about what the boundaries are/should be so you're both on the same page, do so. It may reduce some of his tension to know you're not thinking about the quickest way to get back together and he won't have to be so protective of hurting your feelings when he does see that it might be time to withdraw.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I just wish I could understand his motives, normally I get people and I can just get along with them but with him it's difficult and that confuses me, I also have very conflicted feelings towards him I know that we don't get along and don't make each other happy but I also know that when I'm not with him I'm not happy either.

I've been trying to give him some space, maybe that will help, I've also tried to assert the fact that we're friends and friends only and our relationship need not go further than that
 

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I have the habit of withdrawing from everyone, it could easily be that he is getting invested and is trying to sever the tie. This is a weird in the middle area.

I can only maintain 1-2 friendships. INTJs are very choosy with friends as friends consume our energy, we can't have the limitless friends that the ENFP can sustain.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
How can I help stopping him from withdrawing? He's also doing exams right now so I feel bad taking up his time and he just seems to irritated at me all the time all of a sudden, a week ago we could be always talking and having fun and this week talking to him has been like drawing blood from a very irritable stone..
 

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Why don't you just let him go, i have met enfp-s before that want to assert you , you are in friendzone and always will be there, but at the same time want you to treat them as your girlfriend. Im sorry if that hurts you, but make up your mind or let him go. Me as an intj hate the middle ground, i cut one enfp out of my life because she wanted special treatment but is not willing to give it . INTJ-s have rather low social energy, so when you cant decide what you want, you will be terminated (erased from mind).
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Maybe you're right, however he is the one who initiated the friendship? We hadn't talked for months and then he started trying to talk to me, I would have been happy to never think about him again, and I tried to stay distant as we became friend because I knew we had hurt each other before so why would he start a friendship just to abandon it? However both of us are unhappy maybe the right thing to do would be to stop being friends, but it's easier said than done, logic tells me to stop being his friend but I'm just not able I end up just spur of the moment talking to him because I'm particularly happy or down about something
 

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You do not try to stay distant when you become friends with someone. :laughing: This shows you its very wrong from the start.
I know its hard but think about the future, this on off game will be going on untill you guys make up you mind, either pair up or go on with lives, i promise you middle road is fuked up shit.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
It was only recently he became distant :unsure: I don't know..
 

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His motives are his own. You might get suggestions and opinions, but ultimately only he knows his own mind.
 

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My thought: If you're wondering what's going on with him, just ask. If you don't like his answer, then cut off the friendship. IME, INTJs do well with directness and cutting to the chase. Actually...most people do.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
update: went to tell him that I couldnt be stuck in the middle ground because I was unsure of my feelings but before I could say anything he was really nice and happy again, and I just couldn't bring myself to say it.
 
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