Personality Cafe banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 49 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
15 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Hey All,

To the matter at hand. I am a typical INTJ but over the last 3 months this girl from university has slowly crept into my life. I am a emotional retard and am need of serious help. I have all these rules for dealing with women that have suddenly failed.

Story (chronological):
[3 months ago]
- we have one class in common and she sits right behind me. I think she is cute and start conversations, mainly me being a jerk and sharing my crazy ideas, stories and jokes.
- When not in class we exchange a few emails, very formal, typically about class notes and stuff. Sometimes she will throw in a minor bit about her personal life, eg, is she working on xxx on sat. I'd make a joke of it and she thinks its funny
- She adds me on MSN and we start having long conversation, i don't even remember half the content. Sometimes she'd say stuff like want to join me for a run, and I would say yeah, but she always appends to also invite our common friend (a girl) from class.
- She adds me to facebook (mind you my facebook is like 30 people, hers is like 250+)
- She adds me to linkedin
- she puts me in her fav5 only a month ago and we txt back and forth

[1 week ago]
- She asked me to go out to a ball, I agree, but she says to bring my friends as she will be brining hers. She hugs me for the first time when i see her in a dress. We have a good time, zero alone time, but i notice on of her male friends is also vying for attention. I seem to be winning. At the end of the time, when she is and her male friend of 5 years from HS walk me to my car, she looks at me with her big blue eyes and slowly/hesitantly tells me to txt so that she knows I made it home safe.

That was it. The final straw and all my emotions came flooding. I am not emotional, but I fell pretty hard for this girl.

I txt her at night after miserable day of my true feelings. I put myself out there and let her I know I really like her. She txt'd we should talk later.

A day later she MSN's me at 3am that she is flattered but she was in a relationship with a guy a year ago, for one year, a guy she was best friends with since grade 9. That she was already asked our but turned out her other friend as she could not ruin our their or our friendship. She said she is not ready to date. She gives me the choice of being her friend of not talking to her.

I send a raw, unedited email professing my undying love for her, my previous heart break at who was a friend (how stupid is that), I tell her I don't want to be friends. And we should be in this limbo.

We chat over MSN and she tells me more of her story and why she doesn't want to date. that she can't trust guys. I say I understand but I will not hide my feelings and I want her to trust me. She tells me the ball is in my court (i thought it was in hers)

yesterday, over msn, I backtrack and apologize for calling her just a girl, someone between no-one and friend. And that I would call her a friend until she is ready.

For about a week she has stop doing her usual things; I have to typically initiate txt/msn conversation. She does not post on my Facebook comments. Typically she responds with sarcastic, teasing comments, often threading to set me straight. She is on invisible on msn.

I have class with her tomorrow. I am completely confused. I have told this girl deep parts of my soul I have told no girl, but she says it takes time to know a guy. Jebus! How can I be the emotional nerve wreak in all this?

What should I do tomorrow? What should I talk about? Reiterate my feelings in person? Give her a meaningful gift? Give her space?

CONFUSED.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,174 Posts
Just do nothing. The last thing you want to be doing is becoming too pushy, even if there's a chance you'll be together. Her attraction (if it's there) will fade if you're too clingy. You are right though: the ball is in her court, not yours. All you can do is remind her that it's still there when the time is right. Whatever you do, don't let her control you emotionally and don't put her on a pedestal. If what she says is bullshit (like the ball being in your court, which just defies all logic) call her out on it. I've never heard of women who respect a guy they can control with bullshit arguments.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,245 Posts
...What should I do tomorrow? What should I talk about? Reiterate my feelings in person? Give her a meaningful gift? Give her space?

CONFUSED.

Hi alex knight

Tomorrow...play it cool, be chill, walk into class confident, and don't be an emotional mess :)
(show her what's she's missing, she may take another look if you pique her curiousity! tee hee)
but i wouldn't get your hopes up so soon, because she was clear about being friends.

wow you INTJs are quite emotional...emotional over text and/or email usually doesn't translate well, i wouldn't advise it. when sensitive emotions arise, usually by phone or person is nicer.

totally give her space; what she says she means, and she was clear when she said she isn't looking for a relationship.

you should consider chilling out, and decide whether or not you want to be her friend, and then commit to that. don't be clingy, that will definately not be attractive to her...

when trust is an issue (for a girl), she is not directing that comment to you, asking you to prove yourself at trustworthy, this is an issue a girl needs to figure out for herself, but sometimes we feel that way about guys in general (no trust)...nothing personal.

because she did make a clear statement to you, friends or no relationship, she is actively not going to continue deep soulful conversations with you by msn or text, because she kind of hinted that that she is not increasing her closeness to you at this time...so that is kind of logic.

keep positive, and find a girl that appreciates what you are about...maybe she will come around...

in the future, you could perhaps switch up your strategy a bit, that may peak her interest. less emotional, and more assertive may be good...but depends on the girl. there is a thread Top 5 INFJ female requirements in a partner, this may assist you also.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,201 Posts
If she's actually interested in you, she'll come to you as long as she thinks you're still interested. It may take time.

It's always a tough call to be friends with a girl you have feelings for or not, especially when she knows already.

If I were you, I'd try staying friends and proving loyalty through actions and not words. While us INFJ's tend to try and think the best of people - those of us who have been hurt are very skeptical until proven otherwise.

imo you should tell her you want to stay friends and prove that she can trust you.

I do kind of agree with INFJ girl it's not specifically directed at you, but if you prove you can be trusted it should help her out anyway.

Keep your distance but not so much she thinks you're not interested. I know I need a lot of attention from people I consider friends (well, not so much need but prefer)

Unfortunately no matter what you do, it's ultimately up to her. You told her your feelings. Either stay friends and hope she comes around or cut her loose if you can't handle it. It's not easy.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
15 Posts
Discussion Starter #7
Just do nothing. The last thing you want to be doing is becoming too pushy, even if there's a chance you'll be together.
Tomorrow...play it cool, be chill, walk into class confident, and don't be an emotional mess :)

Good advice. Thanks. That would be me but I am so perplexed why this girl is like my kryptonite and makes me loose my INTJ superpowers. She is the shy awkward one.


wow you INTJs are quite emotional...emotional over text and/or email usually doesn't translate well, i wouldn't advise it. when sensitive emotions arise, usually by phone or person is nicer.
I don't i have ever been called emotional :crazy: I don't get strong emotions which is why I am blind sided and unprepared to deal with them. I agree that the important things in life should be done face-to-face. We could talk on the phone, but this girl chooses to stay late at night on MSN with me.



Thank you for the advice thus far. If there are more insights i'd love to heard them. :happy:
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
15 Posts
Discussion Starter #8
Keep your distance but not so much she thinks you're not interested. I know I need a lot of attention from people I consider friends (well, not so much need but prefer)
Good advice. Thank you.

How would you categorize "keeping your distance but not too much." Do I use our typical pre-confession interactions as a guide, and keep it to the same level? Less interactions? Let her initiate the conversations?

I know it is different for everyone.

Typically it is hangout after class (once a week), sometimes take the subway together home. long msn conversations (3 hours) once a week, sometimes random texts a couple of times a week, sometime long drawn out text conversations when she is bored in class or is taking the bus alone at home. Not ways, but sometimes.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
140 Posts
I've never heard of women who respect a guy they can control with bullshit arguments.
Nay, a woman who tries to control a guy with bullshit arguments doesn't respect him regardless of whether it works.


To the OP,

Whatever you do, don't put your emotional life on hold for her. I can't say she'll come around or not with just your description of what's happened, but I can say that falling for someone who's ambivalent about you as a partner puts you in a good place to be torn to pieces. She may indeed just need time to get to know and trust you, but she could also be stringing you along because she doesn't want to hurt you by rejecting you outright. Worry less about wooing her and more about taking care of yourself. She will either come around or she won't, but she's more likely to warm up to someone who doesn't come off as needy than someone who's driven himself mad trying to understand her.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,201 Posts
Good advice. Thank you.

How would you categorize "keeping your distance but not too much." Do I use our typical pre-confession interactions as a guide, and keep it to the same level? Less interactions? Let her initiate the conversations?

I know it is different for everyone.

Typically it is hangout after class (once a week), sometimes take the subway together home. long msn conversations (3 hours) once a week, sometimes random texts a couple of times a week, sometime long drawn out text conversations when she is bored in class or is taking the bus alone at home. Not ways, but sometimes.
Just making effort to stay in touch on a regular basis is good. Certainly not every day, but probably at least once a week and maybe 2-3 times a week. I would probably tone it down because it seems like you had a lot of emotion invested in here.

For me it is tough. As an INFJ I tend to not initiate contact at all unless I really need to talk about something or I'm EXTREMELY bored. The only exception is if I care deeply about someone, and even then I try to let them do the initiating.

Basically what you need to do is show her you can be there for her without being there for her all the time. I don't mean if she needs something you say no just because you can, but she needs to know that you're not at her beckoned call when you're just her friend, you know? If you treat her like a princess as a friend, what reason does she have to make you her boyfriend?

You pretty much just need to find the balance of being a friend who cares for her. Certainly don't wait for her. Move on with your life. If she comes around, she comes around. If she doesn't - you've been busy doing things trying to make yourself happy.

It's a struggle for me as an INFJ to just you know, be friends. I always want to be perfect for the person I care about and I don't feel like I can do that as their #2, or what have you.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,245 Posts
Nay, a woman who tries to control a guy with bullshit arguments doesn't respect him regardless of whether it works.


To the OP,

Whatever you do, don't put your emotional life on hold for her. I can't say she'll come around or not with just your description of what's happened, but I can say that falling for someone who's ambivalent about you as a partner puts you in a good place to be torn to pieces. She may indeed just need time to get to know and trust you, but she could also be stringing you along because she doesn't want to hurt you by rejecting you outright. Worry less about wooing her and more about taking care of yourself. She will either come around or she won't, but she's more likely to warm up to someone who doesn't come off as needy than someone who's driven himself mad trying to understand her.
well said aela

i like men who i have a natural chemistry with...i can see through someone trying to act cool, but inside doing something else. people trying to understand me really doesn't work out too well. it is not that their abilities are not good, it is that i don't have myself on display.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,174 Posts
Nay, a woman who tries to control a guy with bullshit arguments doesn't respect him regardless of whether it works.
I don't know about that. I have a couple of female friends who like to "test" a guy to see if he has a spine. It's true they don't respect the guy at that point, but depending on his response they might.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,127 Posts
Alex, I can relate to your INFJ friend. Like her, I've been burnt before and I have trust issues. It doesn't mean I can't trust a man ever. Just that I need more time to get to know a person before I feel I can get trust him. People are always on their best behaviour when you first meet them. It's a human desire to be pleasant and liked by others. It is only over time consistent patterns of behaviour you observe that you get some inkling to how people are really like. It's not just about words but also actions, their attitude towards the world and how they treat others. Perhaps your friend think the same way as I do?

My advice is to play it cool and be yourself. INFJs are infamous for giving people the doorslam if you've crossed a line with them. You probably have a chance if she continues to talk to you. Nonetheless, do move on if nothing progresses after 6 months.

Hope this helps!
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
256 Posts
My advice is to play it cool and be yourself. INFJs are infamous for giving people the doorslam if you've crossed a line with them. You probably have a chance if she continues to talk to you. Nonetheless, do move on if nothing progresses after 6 months.

Hope this helps!
I second that wholeheartedly. Remember, as INFJs we draw lots of lines and have guidelines and rules planned out depending on situations. There is a point of no return, and if someone crossed a line with me, i will likely stop talking all together (cruel, but its how we work i guess..) the fact that shes talking to you is a good sign and likely a hint you really didn't cross that line. Rouge is dead on.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
140 Posts
I don't know about that. I have a couple of female friends who like to "test" a guy to see if he has a spine. It's true they don't respect the guy at that point, but depending on his response they might.
Well then they aren't trying to control him, they're trying to test him. Victory is mine! *scampers off*
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
97 Posts
I think the other responses are pretty right, but I wanted to add a couple things:

I would tell her, just once, that you stand by what you said to her before, but you will back off and just be a friend if she wants. Don't worry, she won't forget! But she might not believe what you said before. So if you can say to her face, that you meant it, she will start to believe it.

Also, prove that you are trustworthy, over time. Tell her you will do something, then do it. It doesn't have to involve her. It could be anything going on in your life. You can say, "I will do my paper on such-and-such." Then do it. Or, "I am going to this festival on Saturday." Then do it. You will prove yourself to be a person who means what he says, and she will get that. After that, it's waiting for her to fall for you....and that's out of everyone's control! So, yeah, after 6 months, give up.

Good luck.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
357 Posts
I would pursue other interests, OK maybe that's an ENFP thing. but really, from what I know about INFJs when they are interested, like, you know. I mean they are usually pretty good with it. I could do without the rampant insecurity but you take the good with the bad.

Anyway, I'd say just make yourself scarce for a while, maybe even a week. then send her a text saying something like "hey stranger" if she really is sorting out her feelings, that will be all it takes to get her to realize she missed you. But really, as a female and an INFJ, my hunch is, dude, she's just not that into you. Maybe she's trying to be, but the whole getting over a relationship thing seems like a cop-out. But yeah like I said, the forward approach doesnt seem to do it for her. Anyway, I really dont think INTJ and INFP are compatible. theres a bunch of others that tried, read their posts and see for yourself.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
15 Posts
Discussion Starter #19
Thank you everyone.

Emotions, strong emotions in particular, are foreign to me and pass violently through my system like a really spicy curry. That said, I am back to my confident, insensitive, jerk self.

I think someone on the forms said it well, people are not personality types. I am going to stop over analyzing, over thinking, over planning and just play this one form the gut. I'll be sure to have other things going on in my life as well.

Best Wishes,
Alex Knight
 
1 - 20 of 49 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top