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Hi, I'm new here, and unfortunately can't decode an INFJ. Help, please?
I'm not really sure what details are and aren't relevant, so I'm just going to dump them all here and it will probably be way too long of a read, sorry! Backstory time:

We're both in our early 20's (20 & 22) and attend the same college. We met because we had a theology class together a year and a half ago. He would often say "hi" to me in passing, but we didn't actually start having legitimate conversations until about 6 months ago. At that time, I began to work at the front desk of his dorm, so we began to see each other often. Conversation started out pretty slow, which was completely my fault because I don't pay attention to people until they've proven themselves interesting. Eventually he did, and we began to have more in-depth conversations about theology because he knows I'm a theology major. He came to talk to me at work every time he saw me, generally for an hour or so. Eventually he asked me for my phone number so that we could have more theological conversations, but he never called or texted.

It never seemed like anything would come of this relationship since we only ever talked at work, but things started to change one night. A friend of mine was having their recital on campus, and INFJ(music major) was required to attend. Once he realized I was going, he offered to go with me, and so we went together. Nothing special, but he seemed to beginning talking to me more after that. Flash forward to two weeks ago, he stopped by to talk to me at work. We had a very deep conversation where I betrayed my nature and opened up to him about my life. He stayed my entire work shift(4 hours) and when I got off, he asked me if I wanted to get dinner with him. So we got dinner together and it was great. He didn't pay for it, so I'm assuming it wasn't a date. Also as we were walking home, he told me that he would walk me home, but I seem like the independent type who wouldn't like that very much. I laughed at this and instead proceeded to walk him home. The next day he stopped by at work again and we hangout for a couple hours after work. He opened up to me about his life( I guess he was reciprocating for me opening up the day before?) and shared some really personal stories about himself that he said he doesn't tell a lot of people. Once we were going home, he was adamant about walking me home this time, which I accepted.

We've hangout about 10 times since then. I initiated some of it, he initiated others. We mostly just hangout on campus, so its not like date type stuff. But we did go to a musical together(requirement for his class, but he did invite me), went to a coffee shop, went to a tea shop, and he asked me to go to church with him as well (he also made sure we wore matching outfits lol). While we were at church, he introduced me to his worship team, and one of them asked me in private if we were dating. Later I mentioned this to him and he laughed saying, "that's awkward." Then when I played it off like I was offended by his comment he just said, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it badly. I just thought it was funny that they think we're dating." (Clearly friend zoned right?). But we went to lunch together after that and he payed for my meal. He also gave me a private concert where he sang and played piano for me (which he told me he doesn't do for a lot of people because he's shy). We hung out the entire weekend together for about 6-7 hours at a time. So I guess he enjoys being around me, but I can't tell if it's just as a friend or as more. I've had about 10 people(some my friends, some mutual friends, some his friends) ask me if we're dating, so I guess people see chemistry there? But I'm kind of oblivious to this type of thing. He doesn't touch me often (I guess because he's shy) but he will hug me goodbye, and he doesn't shy away from me touching him.

I recently asked him if he wanted to come over this weekend to hang out with me, but he said that he's really busy and can't promise that he'll be able to make it, and asked if he could get back to me about it since he's "not very good at planning ahead". Me being the over-analyzing paranoid person that I am took this as a rejection(over reaction... I know) and told him that I was busy too and to forget it. He then texted back, "We need to get together this week though" and I told him, "that's be nice, but I'm really busy this week. Text me when you're free. We'll figure something out." Then he responded, "Same. We'll work something out." I know I'm probably just overanalyzing thing and being paranoid, but we hung out so much over the weekend that now I'm worried he's tired of me and blowing me off.

So I guess my question is, from the information I've provided here, does it seem as though he is into me? And I'm just being overly paranoid, right? I mean, logically he wouldn't say he wants to hangout with me if he were blowing me off. But his lack of making definitive plans drives me insane. Sorry, I know I'm being ridiculous about this, but some how or another, he has activated the feels for me, and I can't get him out of my head and I hate it. But we've only been hanging out for two weeks, so I'm sure I'm just getting ahead of myself. I just want to know if I'm friend zoned or not. So yeah... Thoughts?
 

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I don't recall whether it was on this forum or some other website, but I once read and participated in a thread about "love styles" and INFJs. The vast majority of us scored highest in "Storge," the name for a love style based in friendship. That makes perfect sense to me, as we put lots of weight in potentiality and are unlikely to involve ourselves in a relationship that seemingly has no potential; the best way to gauge this is often forming a friendship before delving into romance.

I wouldn't necessarily consider you "friend-zoned." He might find you attractive but want to feel you out and determine whether or not he'd be interested in something long-term with you before taking the next step. (Another possibility is that he's uninterested in a relationship right now, in which case I suppose you would be friend-zoned, but through no fault of your own.)

As far as wanting to keep to himself for now goes, I do believe it holds true that INFJs need specific "recharge" periods. I wouldn't consider it a meaningful separation in the context of your friendship, just his personal thought-collection time. :)
 

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I didn't read the whole post but found title alarming and funny. Well, it is understandable that we are talking about INTJs but love and feelings cannot be analyzed.
-Ob.
 

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I don't know whether the things i am gonna write are typical of all infjs or not. Anyway, unless i have a great and increbdible passions or interest in common (never happened so far) i don't become friends with girls. That can seem cruel but is the truth: i don't make friends with ugly girls. That said, infjs are very reserved but they don't hide completely their interest for someone they like, in particular they avoid body contact if they dislike that person. If i had to give u a piece of advice, i'd say be "defiant" and start making some provocative allusions and see his reaction.
 

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If i had to give u a piece of advice, i'd say be "defiant" and start making some provocative allusions and see his reaction.
That's very risky. Show an INFJ that you don't care, challenge his values or be defiant and you may push the red button. You can try, but you risk shooting yourself in the foot, and then you'd be left thinking what the hell happened.
 

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Based on the assumption that everything in your post is indeed how everything has progressed, and the fact that he's directly pointed out to you on numerous occasion he doesn't let people know/get that close to him; my money says he is definitely interested in you.

Most likely, he is also aware of the game the two of you are playing and does not want to tip his hand in the same way that you do not want to tip yours. However, he could just be some 20 something year old individual dating around and playing the field...
 

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Which begs the question, why not send him a text saying it the way it is, instead of wondering?
 

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I didn't read the whole post but found title alarming and funny. Well, it is understandable that we are talking about INTJs but love and feelings cannot be analyzed.
-Ob.
@_Observer_ I disagree. You can analyze what kind of love you're talking about, why do you love, what are your motivations to love, what do you feel, what makes you feel these emotions, why do you feel them. The answer may not perhaps be directly logical, but if you view feelings as a part of a larger logical whole, then yes; you can make sense out of feelings (but it can be very hard in the moment).

@ThatEmoKid I think he probably sees you as a potential, keep in mind though that INFJs can take a very long time getting to know you and deciding if you are perfect enough (you almost have to decide for them). I don't know if this is true in your case, but in my experience they can sometimes be unsure of whether you really are dating, is dating even necessary, perhaps he's not used to these kind of things. He obviously takes it seriously enough to make some efforts and even says he opens up to you in ways he doesn't with other people. INFJs will take their time to find depth and aren't so easy to talk into something that they don't want. It could be that he's just lonely and needed a friend, or it could be that he's just taking his sweet time to evaluate you and deciding if you're worthy.

In either case I believe in making your intentions clear. If you don't want to be just friends and really like this guy, then tell him how you feel. Either he reciprocates, or he doesn't (and if this is the case it probably wasn't going to happen anyway). Take it slow and see where it goes, I think it's common for NFJs in general to want to become great friends before initiating anything more.
 

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@_Observer_ I disagree. You can analyze what kind of love you're talking about, why do you love, what are your motivations to love, what do you feel, what makes you feel these emotions, why do you feel them. The answer may not perhaps be directly logical, but if you view feelings as a part of a larger logical whole, then yes; you can make sense out of feelings (but it can be very hard in the moment).

@ThatEmoKid I think he probably sees you as a potential, keep in mind though that INFJs can take a very long time getting to know you and deciding if you are perfect enough (you almost have to decide for them). I don't know if this is true in your case, but in my experience they can sometimes be unsure of whether you really are dating, is dating even necessary, perhaps he's not used to these kind of things. He obviously takes it seriously enough to make some efforts and even says he opens up to you in ways he doesn't with other people. INFJs will take their time to find depth and aren't so easy to talk into something that they don't want. It could be that he's just lonely and needed a friend, or it could be that he's just taking his sweet time to evaluate you and deciding if you're worthy.

In either case I believe in making your intentions clear. If you don't want to be just friends and really like this guy, then tell him how you feel. Either he reciprocates, or he doesn't (and if this is the case it probably wasn't going to happen anyway). Take it slow and see where it goes, I think it's common for NFJs in general to want to become great friends before initiating anything more.
You don't get my point and the reason you won't get it because you are not a feeler. Love, feelings they are not rational for most part , thus, trying to apply logic won't work. You can use it for work and problem solving but these things are not that. That's why i personally wouldn't get involved with INTJs for anything romantic. Divide is too great. Feeling vs logic.
-Ob.
 

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You don't get my point and the reason you won't get it because you are not a feeler. Love, feelings they are not rational for most part , thus, trying to apply logic won't work. You can use it for work and problem solving but these things are not that. That's why i personally wouldn't get involved with INTJs for anything romantic. Divide is too great. Feeling vs logic.
-Ob.
I do get your point, and I'm not emotionless myself. Everything has an explanation, even feelings. People are puzzles that can be solved, it's just a matter of mutual understanding and openness.

 

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I do get your point, and I'm not emotionless myself. Everything has an explanation, even feelings. People are puzzles that can be solved, it's just a matter of mutual understanding and openness.

Mate. I have been in relationship with INTJ i know what i am talking about. I know you are not robots but as i said, you won't ever get what i feel as a feeler.
-Ob.
 

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Mate. I have been in relationship with INTJ i know what i am talking about. I know you are not robots but as i said, you won't ever get what i feel as a feeler.
-Ob.
The rift between people isn't as big as you seem to think, the only thing stopping people from understanding eachother is their attitude. Your experience with one of them doesn't speak for all.
 

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The rift between people isn't as big as you seem to think, the only thing stopping people from understanding eachother is their attitude. Your experience with one of them doesn't speak for all.
Nope. I have met many INTJs in real life. Understanding can be of a different kind but the difference is obvious when it comes to feeling VS thinking. Personally, i would get tired of explaining someone why i feel the way i do. When i am with a feeler we just feel. There is no logic to it and no need to explain anything . What a bliss!
-Ob.
 

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Risk should only be calculated. :p
 

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Sorry, I know I'm being ridiculous about this, but some how or another, he has activated the feels for me, and I can't get him out of my head and I hate it. But we've only been hanging out for two weeks, so I'm sure I'm just getting ahead of myself. I just want to know if I'm friend zoned or not. So yeah... Thoughts?
Hi, TEK! Welcome to the forum.

There are worse things than being friend zoned by an INFJ, like being 'acquaintance zoned'. As a friend you're inside.

Suggest you turn up the heat a bit. Ask the guy: "Hey, do you ever ask a girl out on a date?"
 

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@ThatEmoKid

I don't think you've been anything-zoned.

I also don't agree it's fair to either of you to be passive aggressive in order to test him. That's not a good foundation for relationships, especially with an INFJ.

You're also using inductive reasoning to create absolute facts, which isn't helping anyone. He said he can't see you, but said he wants to see you soon. There are infinite conclusions that can be drawn from this information, and none of them do you any good because until you go to the source, it's just speculation. You could be right, and you could be wrong. Maybe he needs a little space to think about all that has happened in such a short amount of time. Maybe he is actually just busy and was being honest. Maybe he's feeling overwhelmed in general and needs to feel like he has a clear schedule. And it could go on.

He seems content to continue at a leisurely pace, not using labels, schedules, or commitments, flowing and transitioning naturally with no clear seams between stages. Are you okay with this? If not, why? If it's because you don't want to be just friends, or aren't okay with the idea that it could end in only friendship, then stop being friends with him. You can stop being friends with him in two ways:
1) Tell him you want to be more than friends, or some variation of a "I have feelings for you" conversation. This will snap him out of his indecision. If he's not interested, he can do the respectful thing and tell you directly, or he can be a wimp and slowly drift away from you. If he likes you back, then you just bagged a boyfriend. Or
2) Cut him out of your life without telling him what you feel, finding out what he feels, or risking rejection.

Alternatively, If you are okay to continue as friends at a leisurely pace, then use your inductive reasoning to assume only positive conclusions. Give him the benefit of the doubt, and enjoy the friendship for what it is. Let it ebb and flow, give space, then closeness, then space as the situation calls for. And out of respect for yourself, create a timeline for how long you're willing to wait for him to initiate. If he doesn't initiate by then, talk to him or cut him loose.

Look, you're worth being with a guy who wants to be with you. If he's gonna be a pansy about it, that's his problem. Don't make it yours.

Credentials: I was that guy in college.
 

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@ThatEmoKid
Sounds like your heart is in the process of being entangled.

Instead of using your Ni-Te to split hair, why not spend some time alone using your Ni-Fi to examine your "feeling"?

If the outcome is a definite "yes I like him", why not make a move?

You are young and young ppl should take chances. There's no embarrassment or losing face. It's not like buying a house and be saddled with a mortgage loan for the next 30 years. It's not a single mother begging baby daddy for milk money. It's not asking your landlord to give your one more week to come up with rent money. There's no danger, risk, or dire consequences. Your ego may get dinged a bit if he's not on the same page but so what? You are not gonna die, losing the roof over your head, broke, or losing your job.

Live
Don't wait until your are 35, 45, or 55 to regret the could haves, would haves, and should haves.
 

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I have no idea, but I'm a bit relieved there's someone out there who overthinks these things the way I do. :p

If I had to provide some sort of solution here I might entertain the possibility that he's overthinking things the same way too. Perhaps leading him on a bit more, but somehow naturally rather than abruptly. Hollywood destroys the way things actually are lol. I would recommend SiFan's advice about turning up the head a notch or two. Not 5 or 6. :p

I do know where you're coming from, and it can be tantalizing... Thinking something is right in your grasp but it just quite isn't.

:crazy:

Good luck!
 

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@ThatEmoKid

I don't think you've been anything-zoned.

Alternatively, If you are okay to continue as friends at a leisurely pace, then use your inductive reasoning to assume only positive conclusions. Give him the benefit of the doubt, and enjoy the friendship for what it is. Let it ebb and flow, give space, then closeness, then space as the situation calls for. And out of respect for yourself, create a timeline for how long you're willing to wait for him to initiate. If he doesn't initiate by then, talk to him or cut him loose.

Look, you're worth being with a guy who wants to be with you. If he's gonna be a pansy about it, that's his problem. Don't make it yours.

Credentials: I was that guy in college.
@InTheRockies Thank you,

This is precisely the conclusion I've reached, but hearing it from someone else is so relieving and reassuring in a way.

Starting to figure out his time flows at its own rate, and is very different from mine. Several years ago, I wouldn't have had the capacity to understand that.

Thank you, sincerely, for this post! Really appreciate it.
 
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