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INTJ friend being evasive

2698 Views 10 Replies 5 Participants Last post by  ariana20
On second thought - I edited this post to make it a lot shorter; My INTJ friend has been evasive. We have a road-trip planned to the Grand Canyon that has been on for the past 3 months, but all of a sudden, she's being very, very evasive, despite her initiating this trip. I'm giving her the space for now, because I feel everyone needs some space when they are acting like this, but overall, I am very confused at her behavior. She hasn't been returning calls, emails, texts or voicemail. I usually try calling/texting once, and wait a few days before trying to email or leave her a voicemail. It's been frustrating for me, because we have less then a week to the trip but we haven't even talked about when we're going, or what we might want to do there, or frankly, if she still even wants to go.

I guess it's always been tough with her, because I always feel like I am running into a wall when I talk with her. The most recent email from her threw off the plans completely - she said she still had to decide whether she was driving or flying there (even though the original plans that she told us was a roadtrip; we weren't even aware that this decision still had to be made, because she had been insisting she wanted to drive us). I am really not sure what is going on with her at all, but she is always really bad about communicating when we make plans. She keeps telling me she really wants to go, but she's always pushing me off, telling me she'll talk or email me back "later" (which she never does) or that she needs to ask for her parents permission (which I think is an excuse).

I guess I'll leave this post open-ended; any feedback, advice or insight would be appreciated.
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Sounds like she just doesn't want to go with you. Press the issue and find out (but make it seem like you aren't pressing the issue).
That's what baffles me. She's the one that initiated and brought up how much we should go this summer.
Sounds like she just doesn't want to go with you. Press the issue and find out (but make it seem like you aren't pressing the issue).
Pressing an INTJ indirectly? Ooooh....NO. She will see that you are pressing her and be irritated that you haven't just asked up front.

I sounds as if you have irritated her. It is that one letter difference in type which means a whole world of difference.

Simply ask point blank and state that you need to know as you need to make arrangements for yourself and whether they match up in any way. NEVER try to make her feel guilty for her decisions as it will drive a wedge even further....unless of course you want to end the friendship entirely. INTJs are all about directness and non-emotional exchange. INTJs like no fuss and efficiency. Not a long drawn out affair which leaves one drained.

I hope that made sense:mellow:
Sounds like she just doesn't want to go with you. Press the issue and find out (but make it seem like you aren't pressing the issue).
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^Thanks. Will do so. Also, I think her family might be going through some stuff right now... should I just pretend not to notice anything or ask if everything's okay?
If she makes allusions to the family situation then ask her directly about what she THINKS may be going on (not how she feels):crazy:

Other than that maybe show support in a non-intrusive casual way. INTJs are very loyal, they value loyalty shown by others too. We may seem like we are non-feeling types but we aren't we are very deep....and we take time trying to understand feelings. Give space where she is avoiding and back her up if others are intruding...she will appreciate it.

again...I hope that made sense:tongue:
^Thanks. Will do so. Also, I think her family might be going through some stuff right now... should I just pretend not to notice anything or ask if everything's okay?
I've always found INFJs to be illusive. :p

Anyway, she might be really busy with something... or you're just irritating her.
INTJs do no back out though... especially if it's their own idea... unless someone hijacks that idea... then we're the first ones out.
Space is good. Beth's approach is right on the money.
Thanks Beth. :) Yes, it makes sense. I totally understand the "non-intrusive" thing, which is why I've been trying to give her space.

I just feel things have been strained for a bit, and it's hard for me to do anything over phone/email, because I can't see her facial expressions. Do you have any suggestions as to how I can "unstrain" things?

It'd be nice if we can meet up sometime, hang out for coffee or something, but it seems that something's going on at home or IDK, something's not right. This summer, she has been planning things for us to hang out, but never follows through on them (i.e. calling me back, emailing me back) so I don't know if it's because of home-stuff or because of me?

I don't see how I could've irritated her though. We've barely spent time together because we've both been busy, and when we do plan things, I do my best to follow through on my end, give her the space she needs, and don't press for decisions.

I have a nudging feeling that something else is going one. Maybe stress is causing her ESFP shadow to come out? Because she is acting quite irrational, in my opinion...
Problem solved. Got a call back from my friend, and the trip is still a go.

Turns out my INTJ friend thought I was being elusive (loooong story). She didn't exactly say it but I think we both started "backing away" when we thought the other was uninterested. For example, we kept deferring to each other's opinion. In trying to give each other space, we both gave off the impression of being elusive.

Still haven't figured out the driving/flying business though... :mellow:
I think it may be time to break out the stash of INRITH.:laughing:
What INTJ could resist some of the pics there and an INFJ from thinking about it too much.

Send her some demotivationals? Or some pics form awkward family photos? They have everything!

im not right in the's Photos - NOT RIGHT NEWS | Facebook

Great for ESFP shadows too.

It will break up the tension for both of you :happy:
this brings to mind an occasion where my friend and i were approaching our birthdays which are only a week apart, so we often celebrate them together on a single night out. i got it in my head several months in advance, that it would be good to have a party with an alice in wonderland theme, dressing up, themed food and decorations the works, i did lots of planning and researching and was very enthusiastic, it would be great the point drew ever closer when i actually had to commit to this, i got cold feet....i realised the actuality of it all was just too scary and i couldnt go through with it
did i call my friend and tell her of my decision you are probably asking yourself....*hangs head in shame* no i did not...why? i have no clue??? i just couldnt deal with it at all...the hugeness and pressure of all the people and decisions just overwhelmed me....i didnt text email or call her....i hid
its well over a year later but i feel so bad about this... my friend, who doesnt have massive amounts of spare cash went and spent a teeny fortune on a sexy queen of hearts costume and didnt have a birthday party, all my fault...would i act the same way given another opportunity....probably, what can i say....its such a shame, it would have been great.....
i wonder though, had she taken control, rather than waiting for me to make the decisions, created a fait accompli, so all i had to do was turn up .....i think that would have been fine so perhaps with your friend you could just tell her instead of asking her, perhaps she is just evading the decision making or a bit freaked by being with a bunch of people for however many days it will be? so much easier to hide under the duvet and pretend its all not happening at all.....
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