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Discussion Starter #1
I'd love to have some advice about my INTJ friend. This is a little longer than I anticipated.

This friend is in high school, and had an encounter with a girl that was rather attractive. She is likely an ESFP, and is highly attracted to my friend. She's also not very shy, so she comes off rather too "friendly", and forward, and sexy.

My INTJ friend was caught off guard, and a somewhat sexual encounter occurred, that didn't go "too" far, but far enough.

He kind of wishes he didn't get caught up "in the moment", but - he knows he can't take that back. This girl simply isn't his type. She's since become VERY friendly with multiple partners.

The activity came to a stop with this girl, before she began heading down this path with him, and he put a stop to it. But, something interesting has come up, and now he's *really* torn as to what to do.

He met a girl, that turns out to be the "half-sister". He really likes her, and really respects her. She's not like her sister, and wants (out of a relationship) the same thing my friend wants: friendship, companionship, too many interests line up, so...with the hopes of it blossoming into a real relationship.

They get along so very well, but she's informed my friend, that anytime she thinks about getting closer to him...her sister's face pops into her head. She doesn't think she can see him anymore, other than just being a friend.

I know this is a rather common dilemma, but insight into how he can truly convey to her that he sees here differently, that she's someone that he would likely go the extra mile for...and the ONE relationship he's EVER had (with the sister), was something that simply wasn't in his personality, something that...again, caught him off-guard.

Wisdom. Insight - this is what he seeks. What would one do, if they wish to pursue this relationship...and convince her that she's simply very special, in his eyes.
 

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Right off the bat, this'd be difficult; it requires the sort of trust and self-realisation that an adult relationship would require, from both partners, as well as placing a huge emotional burden on the girl; I'm skeptical as to whether it'd be possible to expect from high schoolers, for the following reasons:

1. The boy needs to be wise enough to explain why her sister shouldn't matter, and knowledgeable of his own emotions to create an impactful message to the girl.
2. The girl to be in control of her emotions enough to be able to move past the matter, and philosophical enough to take on the view in the first place.
3. They'd need to get past the social aspect that would hang over them in school, and would follow the girl back to her house -- so it'd really place a burden on her, as she'd be nearly unable to escape potentially being made fun of.


All in all I'd say he screwed the pooch.


Any INTJs who had positive experiences with high school "romances," feel free to disagree, if you exist.
 

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What the fuck kind of useless soap-tv worthy story is that... Nobody cares, this is the INTJ forum.
 

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Sorry, but this kind of thing is tough no matter what, and an INTJ has enough trouble with relationships from the get-go. I can't really give advice, having never had a single relationship with any girl in highschool or college. I wish this friend the best and hope it works out. @BrokenGenius don't be a jerk, they honestly want help with a problem dealing with an INTJ. this forum exists to help everyone when they need to deal with an INTJ.
 

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Discussion Starter #5
@MissJordan

Thanks for your input. Your reply helped solidify what I was thinking. I think there needs to be some time that goes by for this to work, and being there as a friend would probably be best. A level of trust and genuine relationship interest needs to be achieved, for a possible future relationship.

@BrokenGenius

:) Exactly why I posted it here. You guys are good at leaving the emotional aspect out of it...although, you seem a little upset about the posting. :/
 

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@BrokenGenius

:) Exactly why I posted it here. You guys are good at leaving the emotional aspect out of it...although, you seem a little upset about the posting. :/
Who said he has to settle only for one or that the other needs to know about it? This seems like the best of two worlds combined :kitteh:
 

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All in all I'd say he screwed the pooch.
Agreed.

Somewhat related, I dated a guy younger than me in high school. While at first this didn't appear to be an issue for me (nor did I logically see why there should be an issue and I still don't, darn fuzzy emotions), it did turn into a weird mental thing that bothered me progressively more. Because unfortunately for the guy, I've a brother the same age and though it didn't start of that way, my mind linked the two together. Same age, same class, same school...ugh.

So while I logically knew he was not my brother, it created a mental barrier leading to negative feelings that I could not work myself out of. And this is coming from someone who can usually do the mind over matter thing.

If your friend has the patience and commitment, he could remain friends/acquaintances with her and check in some time later. Perhaps she will have grown and moved past that barrier herself.
 

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Agreed.

Somewhat related, I dated a guy younger than me in high school. While at first this didn't appear to be an issue for me (nor did I logically see why there should be an issue and I still don't, darn fuzzy emotions), it did turn into a weird mental thing that bothered me progressively more. Because unfortunately for the guy, I've a brother the same age and though it didn't start of that way, my mind linked the two together. Same age, same class, same school...ugh.

So while I logically knew he was not my brother, it created a mental barrier leading to negative feelings that I could not work myself out of. And this is coming from someone who can usually do the mind over matter thing.

If your friend has the patience and commitment, he could remain friends/acquaintances with her and check in some time later. Perhaps she will have grown and moved past that barrier herself.

I didnt really get the problem and I am too tired now to re-read the story, but if a hot, forward ESFP girl is hitting on your INTJ friend, I think he should date her! ESFPs are hot, wtf is his problem
 

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I didnt really get the problem and I am too tired now to re-read the story, but if a hot, forward ESFP girl is hitting on your INTJ friend, I think he should date her! ESFPs are hot, wtf is his problem
Dating someone just because they're attractive is a bad idea.
 
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He should cut them out of his life until he has moved on. The problem lies in the second girl's inability to forget about her sister, an issue that he has no control over and is unlikely to go away.
 

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I didnt really get the problem and I am too tired now to re-read the story, but if a hot, forward ESFP girl is hitting on your INTJ friend, I think he should date her! ESFPs are hot, wtf is his problem
His INTJ friend likes the half-sister on all fronts, including the physical vs the ESFP which was only physical. He knows who he wants. It's not the ESFP.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
@Meliora


Well, it's been interesting to see how things have been turning out. First...he is NOT very patient, but he's doing the best he can. He's appearing more patient, than he actually is.


Second, the girl is contacting him and communicating with him more than she was before. Which is a good sign. She confides in him more, and I told him this is a good sign. For a good healthy relationship, becoming friends...*really* good friends, is a great base for a relationship.


But, he does push the envelop a little bit, and causes her to pull back. So, yes - I agree with you. Patience is the key.


And you're again, so right. He wants to like a girl (and have a relationship with a girl), aligned with his own moral system. The ESFP girl is attractive - but he wants more out of a relationship.

@meltedbutter


...and there lies the problem. Even though her "sister" said, "go ahead! I'm happy for you two!", the "blessing" of her sister matters little. She has to be able to have the ability to put things in a workable context for herself, and be 'ok' with the situation.

Thanks for all the great input.
 

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The sister gave the go ahead? That's great. Solves a lot of the knock-on problems right away.

I think your buddy should just take it slow. As they spend more time together, they'll create their own "context"--and she may find, in a bit, that compared to a half-cocked (the puns. I kill myself.) one night stand, what they've got is much more real.
 
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