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Hello INTJ's. INFP's are somewhat famous for their heartache over certain things, like rejection or love that is not returned, or longing. What is your experience of such things? How deeply do they cloud your mind when you are in the middle of it? Does despair ever gnaw and grip at you as it does for us? Many thanks for your answers.
 

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<<<<<<<<<<<--------------------------take it frum a koon!

You mean I get to go first! Oh I'm so excited!

Well, waaaayy back when I was young and still permeable to such dumass stuff. From what I remember its along the lines of stepping on a nail or smashing my finger with a hammer or maybe when I was really a kid climbing trees and fell out of the things on occasion, a couple different times and would land on my back and have the wind knockt out of me...........

It hurts for a lil bit as you're gasping for air but you shake it all off and get on with what ever it is one is doing; and after a bit as time goes on, the experience becomes quite laughingly humerous with even ones friends enjoying the joke of it all.
 

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Well, for me I guess it depends. I don't know really how to explain this effectively, but I'll do my best.
I'm not going to describe just heartache though, because it involves something more than that.

For me, it all depends on what is happening in my life. If I am moving towards something (no matter how small it is); I can often push my feelings to the side, and focus on something else.
Doesn't mean my feelings aren't there though. I sometimes lie down and think about what could have been, usually at random points of the day. But if I can concentrate on what is in front of me, I tend to deal with it with little to no issue.

However, if I am feeling particularly lost and I have no end goal in sight, those feelings start to intensify. If I can't concentrate on what I am going to do, the only thing I can focus on instead is what is behind me. That is not usually a good thing for me in my experience.

It doesn't only involve just heartache though. It can involve anger, hatred, depression, obsession; basically any negative emotion that a man can inhibit.
It starts to bottle up inside, and since I usually have no good way to express it, I usually keep it to myself.
While I am usually very good at keeping my feelings under control; during this period, I had a very hard time regulating it.

I recently got back on the right track though, so most of those feelings have either subsided, or I can just ignore them to focus on getting what I need done.

So, I don't think INTJs experience those emotions the same way INFPs do.
We tend to bottle it up or brush it off, and it usually works just fine.
It's just when we are caught in a slump, when those emotions can get out of control.
 
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For me personally, I don't find that I get too caught up in the emotions or end up wallowing for long. Once or twice a year I'll have a full on pity party day, let it all out, and be good to go. That said, as I've gotten older I've been more willing to recognize and accept my feelings even if I still can't understand them. They do have an impact, whether I like it or not, and I can see many of my life decisions being swayed by feelings I wasn't - well - feeling/recognizing/acknowledging.

After my last relationship I struggled for several weeks, sinking into our infamous Ni-Fi loop. Eventually worked through it, but was a bit of a hot mess during those weeks. Outside of that, I don't find I wallow much.

Currently dealing with a mental recovery after a year+ of crap at my job (gaslighting, bullying, etc) - it took me a little bit to recognize that was what was affecting me, but once I acknowledged that, it made it a lot easier to evaluate and then put a plan of action into place. I'm not happy that I need to take time to "recover" but that's the reality, and just accepting that and moving on has kept it from being a wallowing time.

Honestly not sure I could have/would have been able to recognize my present situation if it had happened, say, 10 or 15 years ago. Maturity and knowing myself better does help.
 

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I'm gonna be the big bad stereotype destroyer, and say it:

We can feel the same way as everyone else. I don't know why my fellow INTJ's think that acting emotionless is cool and mastermind like, probably, because mentally they are still 14. This is one of the dangers of being an N function dominant. "Being delusional without noticing it, like a child".

Now, to answer your question: We have a low F function, and it is introverted on the top of that. Meaning that our focus won't be on feelings naturally. But this is the point: Our FOCUS may not be on feelings, but we can feel them the same way. Learning how to notice it, maybe takes more time for us than for example an INFP. So in short: Just because someone does not notice something, this something is still there, in the same way. There are people who are not hygienic. Meaning that they don't FOCUS on their body too much, so they may not notice their bodily hygienic needs properly. Does this mean that they don't have a body with needs? No. So this is where the emotionless acting which are performed by most edgy NT's fail.

Since our natural focus is not on feelings, but on Abstractions and Rationalism, we tend to notice these things more actively. So, we will react emotionally, if one of these things go wrong, the same way INFP's react emotionally when emotion related things go wrong. You can see many INTJ's falling into loop or grip, because they can't live up to their ideal visions (N go wrong, so F trying to justify it), or can't progress (T go wrong, F and S trying to justify it) etc. And these feelings can overhelm us the same way. We are humans as well, with feelings and with the thing, people call heart. Like it or not, we will cry, we will be sad, we will be happy, we will laugh etc. Maybe because of other things than say, an NF, but it is still happening.

The problem is that many F people tend to overprioritize their feelings, and many T people tend to dismiss the idea that they are humans as well. It would be good, if these people would be able to find a balance. And then stereotypes would be washed the fuck away finally.
 

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When I can't fix something
No matter how hard I try
I get this feeling
Like something has shriveled up
And pulled away from my insides
So I do something
Anything
To distract myself
From this slippage
Out of gear
From neutral
Into despair
 

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Our FOCUS may not be on feelings, but we can feel them the same way. Learning how to notice it, maybe takes more time for us ...
I'd like to unpack that idea. Yes, I do experience feelings like other people. Since Fi is inner-directed, those feelings can be strong. No, I don't fail to notice them, I consciously choose not to focus on them because: 1. They interfere with clear thinking. 2. Neutral is a position of power from which I can adapt to changing situations. 3. I don't like losing control of my emotions.

I agree that the process "maybe takes more time for us." I need time to evaluate the logic behind my feelings, admit the truth (to myself), and decide what to reveal to other people based on risks and benefits.

Does that sound like an AI program? A bit, but that's how we roll.
 

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Those rare times in life I genuinely believed someone mattered, I cried.
 

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I do experience that a lot. There is someone I like recently and he was really cold to me so that hurt a lot. I have ptsd, so whenever remember bad memories I experience a wave of emotions, anger, sadness, despair, I would cry myself to sleep and it weights me down. But I am used to keeping what I feel to myself, I don't know how to express what I feel so I would rather say nothing and I don't want to burden others.

Other times I feel nothing, just emptiness. I have no control of my emotions but I don't think about it too much.
 

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Plague Doctor
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Does despair ever gnaw and grip at you as it does for us? Many thanks for your answers.
Yes. I was a complete mess when my Father died. I've also had a few major depressive episodes as well. It's excruciating. Once, earlier this year, I thought I had lost my best friend because I made a really big mistake and that was similar as well. It was very much like grief ... but somehow worse because I knew it was my fault.

In the end, we are all human and we all have the capacity for emotion or the absence of emotion to all sorts of circumstances. Regardless of type, this is a human experience that connects us all. Maybe INTJs are more private about it or maybe less likely to speak open about it with strangers or even with friends - I have issues speaking about any times I'm struggling with my friends - but yeah, anyone is capable of heartache and despair.

I hope this helps answer your question.
 
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