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I have a friend who used to have deep, idea rich, one-to-one conversations with me.
The problem is, she tends to withdraw for no apparent reason, is very unpredictable, and often changes her attitude. I'm always trying to figure her out, but every time I do, I end up offending her, or getting into an argument.
Our friendship is nowhere near as strong as it used to be but it's rare for me to be so enthusiastic about a discussion, or empathetic about a person. I want to learn to deal with this "inconsistency", rather than give up. I think I've offended her in the past, but she always appears to have 'gotten over it'. How do you regain trust/forgiveness of an INFJ, so things aren't so sensitive? Talking about problems usually makes them worse; I've tried.

INFJs? INTJs? Experience? Advice?
 

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It may be that she was "forgiving" you for doing something wrong - instead of understanding that there was no act of wrongdoing per se, but just a clash of personalities, a bluntness of speech etc. with no intent of harm, no bad feeling, nothing behind it of cruelty. And that the misperceptions have built up over time to where she sees it as you constantly and deliberately hurting her since she sees you at fault in this - at fault and continuing? And she can only forgive so much if she sees it as deliberate cruelty, but hasn't, of course, given you the opportunity to explain that it isn't. And the arguments...they'll take those much more personally as a general rule, so that's not a help. It will seem like you're persistently "attacking" her perhaps.

Then again, addressing the root of the issue is hard as hell with this dynamic. I have never mastered it, what with their avoidance and the tendency to take the most inexplicable things as insults. Plus I've not yet learnt to read minds, which is apparently a requirement. I do not understand how. I can only wish you luck.
 
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I have an INTJ friend that I used to be a lot closer to then I am now, and it's because I withdrew.

Because I feel like he doesn't trust me, and it makes it hard to have deep meaningful conversations and share yourself with someone who seems like they do not trust me.

Or she could just be withdrawing just because, it may actually have absolutely nothing to do with you.

Sometimes I just withdraw from people just cause, don't really know why. Just live relationships with other people day by day, there's only a few people my admiration and love for are consistent. If this is the case, hang out with her more often, try to talk to her more often, make yourself apart of her life and she will be more consistent with you because she will be more familar with you.
 
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Takes time. Usually. Depends.

For me withdrawing is to reflect, and to sort out what information I gathered from situations or events. It is not a period of judgment upon anyone, it's more or less organizing the info that has been received to better understand it. Sometimes i pick up on subtle things, and with those small little things, it takes time to process what they mean. As i like to see situations from both sides of the fence,reflecting, thinking it through, and recreating the situation in my head in another point of view is best done when others aren't present. That may just be me though. >__<

But as a whole, sometimes withdrawing has nothing to do with other human beings. =D
 
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The story of my life. =) My INTJ friend and I are very close. Yes, there are certain moments of "withdrawal," but it is a very typical INFJ method for coping with stress. I wouldn't take this personally.

As for regaining trust/forgiveness, I don't think that's the issue -- but rather what might have hurt her in the first place. For my INTJ friend and I, I sometimes get hurt because I feel she always holds herself back from me for whatever reason. Like Tammy said above, it's difficult for INFJs to have a meaningful relationship with someone who they think doesn't trust them enough.

I'm not sure if you're like my INTJ friend, but she never likes to talk about herself. We have really intense conversations critiquing society, books, movies, etc, but I feel like we never "connect." It wasn't always like this, but the older I got, the more I felt this way. This was primarily because I would divulge information about my personal life to her, but she would respond with a "yeah." I would feel that she trusts me if she told me some stuff about her -- she is very secretive. I understand. I am quite a "private" person myself, but to those close to me, I reveal bits of my vulnerability.

Anyway, I'm sorry if that wasn't helpful, but if you can give me a specific situation or something specific, it would help me understand the dynamics of your interaction more and how you guys can reach a more consistent, mutually understanding friendship.
 

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And by the way, I think it's awesome that you value this friendship and are genuinely trying to understand your INFJ friend.

Also, to elaborate on what I wrote earlier... for us INFJs, we really want to be part of your lives. Sometimes when we feel or think (not saying it is) that our friends don't want us there/dont trust us enough, we tend to distance ourselves a little (defense mechanism).
 

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I have a friend who used to have deep, idea rich, one-to-one conversations with me.
The problem is, she tends to withdraw for no apparent reason, is very unpredictable, and often changes her attitude. I'm always trying to figure her out, but every time I do, I end up offending her, or getting into an argument.
Our friendship is nowhere near as strong as it used to be but it's rare for me to be so enthusiastic about a discussion, or empathetic about a person. I want to learn to deal with this "inconsistency", rather than give up. I think I've offended her in the past, but she always appears to have 'gotten over it'. How do you regain trust/forgiveness of an INFJ, so things aren't so sensitive? Talking about problems usually makes them worse; I've tried.

INFJs? INTJs? Experience? Advice?
I've had a friendship with my INTJ best friend sense we were kids. If you have any questions really I can help you.

I would have to say its a pretty unstable relationship but I love her. We try to work it out. We currently working on our situation. We learn to compromise - completely fairness with everything I found out works with us.
Talk to her about, just be straight about it be like "I need to talk you, I feel like we havent been talking like me us to? I want work this out blah blah blah"
Dont be afaird to be emontial about your true emontions beause a INFJ with dive right into that.
 

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Perhaps you should confront her. Be gentle, but honest. You could say something like, "I get the feeling I've offended you, but I'm not sure what I've done. If I have, please tell me so we can address the issue. Our friendship is important to me and I don't want to unintentionally hurt you."

Sometimes we INFJ's have a hard time expressing our needs. When something's gone awry, we don't want to be needy or make you feel bad by pointing out your mistake. And sometimes the injury is so obvious to us that we assume everyone can see it.

I hope this helps, and I hope things work out with your friend.
 

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I had an INTJ friend whom I eventually started to avoid. Two things were the reason for it. First one was that I felt he started playing some weird games with me. Either I have offended him somehow and he was executing some type of revenge, or he developed feelings for me but I was in a relationship. I did not stick around to find out. Second thing was that I felt that in debates it was too important for him to win over that at times he went overboard trying to undermine my arguments using some tactics that I sensed were either underhanded or illogical and which thus offended both my Fe and Ti. So while we had a good Ni-Ni connection going our Te-Fe and Ti-Fi just clashed too much, so eventually this frustration just made interaction not worth it and I pulled away from him.
 

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i've learned that if an INFJ wants space, give them space. they are probably stressed. my one thing i can add is that if you just move on and act like nothing went down, they usually will too and all will be spiffy again. everything else the above posters mentioned seems applicable, so i'll focus on my many experiences. though i don't think they will help your situation that much. oh well.

overall, the INFJ and i get along swell.

[PLEASE NOTE~ this is only my experience, okay. don't get offended.]
a few problems that arise + miscellaneous nonsense:

as others noted, us INTJs are not very "personal" and we'll let INFJs gab as much as they want until we finally have to do our automatic head nod. honestly, this is not to hurt an INFJs feelings, we are merely solution-finders, not.. pat on the back people. moving on!

INFJs generally hate criticism and critique. if you do it too much, they get sullen and hurt and bent out of shape. the INFJ i know has basically become immune to it (or hides it well), though.

when you offer a solution in which they either can't immediately do or see a way they could ever possibly do, they get frustrated and will possibly lash out at you. or when they're having a bad day or are overwhelmed and even if it has absolutely nothing to do with you (and even if it does), they will certainly take it out on you because their emotions are all out of whack. this is mostly annoying. they later apologize. they always seem to apologize - i never apologize.

they are TOO NICE. with everyone. even if they don't like that person, it is unlikely that person will ever know. i might end up knowing, but that person won't. it sometimes secretly grates on my nerves, sometimes entertains me.

in a way, it is fascinating to watch INFJs interact with others. mature INFJs have crazy, almost manipulative-but-don't-know-it people skills. they always know what to say. they are people first, while i am people second. they're also too accommodating. this can cause issues but the INFJ i know and i are able to see past it. the main thing i hate is because they can be so nice, people will occasionally take advantage of them.

they get stressed and never show it until it is all way, way too much on them and then they explode and all i can do is try and offer advice and solutions instead of being a shoulder to cry on. if they had come to me before the last minute, i'm sure i could have helped resolve some problems but they never do. they never want help until help can no longer successfully be given. maybe it's a pride thing. but they will always try to help you.. even if you do not want it. they'll also appear to take in any advice i give and yet never go through with it - or either it takes them a looong time. the only way i can get the INFJ i know to really do anything is to continually pester her about it.

one of the largest differences: INFJ are emotional.. i'm rational.

INFJs dislike conflict (passive-aggressive) but can be good at dealing with it. in my experience, they also plot a lot revenge plans they would (hopefully?!) never go through. this can be rather amusing.

they'll speak for you, the group, the stranger across the street - very annoying! yet sometimes useful.

when you'd rather not meet new people or get out or something to this extent, they will tell you how much you need to "go with the flow" when they can not even do it themselves. (it's weird - they are people oriented when need be but they aren't that big on socializing or trying to meet new people?) anyway, you then explain how you are capable of going with said flow and you just don't want to and they don't seem to grasp it. and that's the difference.

when you're always telling them what's what and they shriek, "how do you know you're right? you can't always be right!" only to realize you are, indeed, correct. again. then they resent you for it.

they ALWAYS relate everything back to them. no matter what. i've taken it as their method of compassion, like.. telling a story of theirs that relates is the way they show they care. many people may think they are self-absorbed by doing this, i've learned it's just how they work.

the INFJ i know and i can have a ton of deep conversations however it seems i'm the one doing most of the talking (strange, yeah) and it's almost as if she is way, way too easy to persuade these days. maybe my INFJ has given up on caring or is going along to get along. i'm not sure.

with all this, the INFJ i know is a great person. seriously. i like that we can always work things out or negotiate. she offers a different insight, we compliment each other and if anyone is ever on the opposing side, they get annihilated by our arguments since i'm logic and she's mighty moral bullshit (hahh). most of the time, we get along terrific. it can be very rewarding talking to her.
 

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INFJs generally hate criticism and critique. if you do it too much, they get sullen and hurt and bent out of shape. the INFJ i know has basically become immune to it (or hides it well), though.
INFJs very readily see flaws in other people, but that also includes ourselves. Thus we are very good at criticizing ourselves. My experience with INTJs is that a lot of their critical ability is likely to be turned to the outside and they are more likely to criticize people around them than blame themselves. So when INTJ and INFJ meet the INFJ may find INTJ laying on additional layer of criticism on her shoulders that is simply too much to bear. It is not that we are emotionally sensitive, but that we often harbor negative attitude towards our own persona. People who add to this attitude cause us more internal turmoil, more doubt in our own abilities, more paralysis in dealing with outside world. People who alleviate our internal perfectionism and teach us to be more forgiving and jovial and take life less seriously, as ENFPs and ENTPs do, make us happy and naturally draw us to themselves.

When I am in a confident and recharged state of mind there is little that can offend me. In contrast I have observed that it is the people with Fi that can become much more offended than me. For example, one time on accident I have greatly offended an INTJ friend of mine by questioning his decisions in a manner that appeared to be too critical for him. I examined what I said later and came to conclusion that I personally would not get offended by what I said, and that my INTJ friend reacted irrationally and too emotionally to my criticism. But if I look at myself back to the days when my self-confidence was lower I could definitely see where this hypersensitivity was coming from. So I tried to make it up to him later.

when you offer a solution in which they either can't immediately do or see a way they could ever possibly do, they get frustrated and will possibly lash out at you. or when they're having a bad day or are overwhelmed and even if it has absolutely nothing to do with you (and even if it does), they will certainly take it out on you because their emotions are all out of whack. this is mostly annoying. they later apologize. they always seem to apologize - i never apologize.
When somebody offers me a new option I have not considered before, it takes me time to contemplate on it so I will most likely go quiet or just offer some vanilla response as my mind gets busy calculating the validity of this option. I would not get frustrated unless the other person is pushing me into taking this option or solution, which sometimes can be the case with INTJs because just like us they have a sense that the solution they devised is the right one.

they are TOO NICE. with everyone. even if they don't like that person, it is unlikely that person will ever know. i might end up knowing, but that person won't. it sometimes secretly grates on my nerves, sometimes entertains me.
I love this quality about myself. People tell me that I am easy to get along with and that I am one of the least shallow and close-minded persons that they have ever met. Being altruistic and understanding pays back as it attracts a lot of people to me, such that if I want friends I have no problem finding them any place, any time. Of course there is always an issue filtering good friends from bad friends, but it is something I became better at after being burned a few times.

in a way, it is fascinating to watch INFJs interact with others. mature INFJs have crazy, almost manipulative-but-don't-know-it people skills. they always know what to say. they are people first, while i am people second. they're also too accommodating. this can cause issues but the INFJ i know and i are able to see past it. the main thing i hate is because they can be so nice, people will occasionally take advantage of them.
I have learned that sometimes people enjoy seeing a bit of spunk and competitiveness from me. Being a constantly accommodating people pleaser it just doesn't feel like I am being a full person, living out my life to its fullest. And spreading myself thin over other people certainly does nothing to get my own goals completed and turn my visions into reality.

they get stressed and never show it until it is all way, way too much on them and then they explode and all i can do is try and offer advice and solutions instead of being a shoulder to cry on. if they had come to me before the last minute, i'm sure i could have helped resolve some problems but they never do. they never want help until help can no longer successfully be given. maybe it's a pride thing.
It is not pride, it is that I genuinely often don't know how I feel and I believe it is same case for other INFJs. Introverted feeling, the cognitive function that allows you to feel for yourself, is INFJ's shadow function. We orient around the world using our extraverted feeling that reads emotions of other people. Thus I often find that my own feelings are greatly polluted by feelings, needs, and motivations of other people around me. It is only by retreating, evoking my personal visions and goals, and calibrating myself to them that I can establish how I feel again and what course of action I should take. Having sensor friends who truly care about me I find helps with this issue. One of my friends is ISFJ and she would often sense something is wrong with me and alert me to it way before I do.

but they will always try to help you.. even if you do not want it. they'll also appear to take in any advice i give and yet never go through with it - or either it takes them a looong time. the only way i can get the INFJ i know to really do anything is to continually pester her about it.
I have taken advice of other people and acted on it without thinking for myself much. Results have mostly been disastrous. In these kinds of situations I would blame myself to my foolishness, for not thinking things through for myself but letting other people mislead me. The negative backlash from being mislead greatly overrides the positive feelings that develop from receiving good advice, thus my natural preference it to put all advice into introspection first and act on it later. On the bright side this makes us INFJs be very individualistic, a quality many people respect about us.

INFJs dislike conflict (passive-aggressive) but can be good at dealing with it. in my experience, they also plot a lot revenge plans they would (hopefully?!) never go through. this can be rather amusing.
Yes my mind would sometimes resort to planning revenge, but almost always I have found that it is not worth it. Our prime motivation is to seek meaning in our lives. Revenge is meaningless, irrelevant, useless waste of time. There have been a couple of occasions that I have followed through with it because it simply was aligned to my vision, so not as meaningless.

they'll speak for you, the group, the stranger across the street - very annoying! yet sometimes useful.
We not only speak for you, the group, and the stranger across the street. We feel for you and the group and that random guy. Part of our life goes through other people. It is not possible for us to fully feel separate from others, hence the common use of "we" rather than "I" when interacting with others. Either way I find that people are not pleased. When I say "I" then I have been accused of being too self-centered and selfish. If I say "we" then I have been accused of assuming the right to speak for others. No way to please everyone, so I'll just stick to "we" as it feels more natural.

when you'd rather not meet new people or get out or something to this extent, they will tell you how much you need to "go with the flow" when they can not even do it themselves. (it's weird - they are people oriented when need be but they aren't that big on socializing or trying to meet new people?) anyway, you then explain how you are capable of going with said flow and you just don't want to and they don't seem to grasp it. and that's the difference.
INFJ will attempt to give counsel to a friend that she feels is in distress. INFJs get on with life by changing internal perspective on things, seeing situations and people from multiple different points of view. The outside world is perceived to be as an all engulfing ocean against which it is futile to fight. You can only hope that the currents will surely carry you somewhere and hopefully that somewhere will be a better time and place. Hence sometimes it is best to just go with the flow. As for socializing it is a neverending conflict in me that I want to socialize with others but at the same time to recover myself from their emotional baggage and seek out new visions and new meaning I need to retire to solitude.

when you're always telling them what's what and they shriek, "how do you know you're right? you can't always be right!" only to realize you are, indeed, correct. again. then they resent you for it.
I have never met a person who was always correct, again and again, so every opinion and option thrown at us is given doubt. Like I have said I have taken advice of other people before and instead of thinking carefully about it just started immediately rowing in that direction. The result was a complete waste of my time. The NT that gave me this advice just told me that I implemented his advice wrong. He never admitted to being wrong and giving me bad advice, as is common with more confident NTs to think that they are always right. When I did not take his advice I was blamed for not taking good advice. Sometimes you guys just put me into the "damned if you do and damned if you don't" situation: don't take your advice and I get blamed for being stubborn and irrational, take your advice and then risk doing something that doesn't fit me and then if I fail get blamed for it again for wrong implementation.

they ALWAYS relate everything back to them. no matter what. i've taken it as their method of compassion, like.. telling a story of theirs that relates is the way they show they care. many people may think they are self-absorbed by doing this, i've learned it's just how they work.
Very true, and to some people we can come off as selfish doing this. But we are just trying to provide advice using examples that we are best acquainted with: ourselves.

the INFJ i know and i can have a ton of deep conversations however it seems i'm the one doing most of the talking (strange, yeah) and it's almost as if she is way, way too easy to persuade these days. maybe my INFJ has given up on caring or is going along to get along. i'm not sure.
My INTJ friend does most of the talking also. Even though INTJs are called most introverted of all the intuitive introverts, sometimes I feel like INFJs are more introverted. We seek to reach out to people more than INTJs do but when it happens we just sit there and listen to them and so INTJs can come off as being more extraverted and gregarious than us.

with all this, the INFJ i know is a great person. seriously. i like that we can always work things out or negotiate. she offers a different insight, we compliment each other and if anyone is ever on the opposing side, they get annihilated by our arguments since i'm logic and she's mighty moral bullshit (hahh). most of the time, we get along terrific. it can be very rewarding talking to her.
I think mature, balanced INTJ and INFJ friendships and relationships can work out well. The INFJ needs to have good solid grounding in herself to not be as sensitive to criticisms and doubts of the INTJ. And INTJ needs to be more in touch with own emotions and emotions of other to not always be calculating relationships to his own benefit and inadvertently hurt other people as a result.
 

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I think mature, balanced INTJ and INFJ friendships and relationships can work out well. The INFJ needs to have good solid grounding in herself to not be as sensitive to criticisms and doubts of the INTJ. And INTJ needs to be more in touch with own emotions and emotions of other to not always be calculating relationships to his own benefit and inadvertently hurt other people as a result.
it's too bad your INTJ friend didn't work out. i find INFJs to be wise. at least, i think wise is a good word. i'm usually able to learn something from them. this INFJ's solid ground is (sadly?) also me.. which i'm aware of, so i try to lessen up on any confronting matters.

if i could thank this post a few more times, i would. it sounds exactly as it should~ the INFJ i know would affirm or conclude most of it herself, i am sure.

So when INTJ and INFJ meet the INFJ may find INTJ laying on additional layer of criticism on her shoulders that is simply too much to bear. It is not that we are emotionally sensitive, but that we often harbor negative attitude towards our own persona.
i've directly told her any criticism i give is not to be taken too personal, etc. and she handles it 10x better now. oh, and when she is confident, she definitely struts it around.

... No way to please everyone, so I'll just stick to "we" as it feels more natural.
... As for socializing it is a neverending conflict in me that I want to socialize with others but at the same time to recover myself from their emotional baggage and seek out new visions and new meaning I need to retire to solitude.
appreciate this - my understanding of the INFJ has been heightened. i can also now recall when she mentioned she wanted to connect with new people, but at the same time, she didn't want the annoyance of new concern. and then she stayed home and read a book.

apparently i sometimes forget to remember that the experiences with other people that may come into play when i'm suggesting something. oops!

one other thing i'd like to mention is that this particular INFJ always has the need to "explain herself".. due to how she used to get blamed or questioned for everything. abusive relationships are no fun.

normally, of course, i wouldn't care so much about walking on eggshells or caring for someone at all but this particular INFJ is someone i'm extremely close to. she's a very strong person and i have a soft spot for her. go, go, feelers of INTJ.

The NT that gave me this advice just told me that I implemented his advice wrong. He never admitted to being wrong and giving me bad advice, as is common with more confident NTs to think that they are always right. When I did not take his advice I was blamed for not taking good advice.
that sounds so expected it's almost comical.

thanks for the huge post of response. all has been registered.
 

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Keno -- I wrote a post relating this to my relationship with my dad, but it wouldn't post... ugh! internet sucks right now. and I'm off to dinner soon, so I'll just say this instead of trying to rewrite everything:

I think it's awesome that you know your INFJ friend well enough to know about all our little quirks and "illogical" sides. And it's even more awesome that you're not judgmental about it, but very understanding. Anyway, another thing I relate to is how the opposing side gets annihilated with our arguments. In high school, some of our friends made the mistake of engaging my INTJ friend and I on a debate, and oh man. it was EPIC. While my friend tended to be the voice of raizon, I brought in all the ethical and moral points that just solidified our argument. Really, no one could say much after we finished.

That said, your post will likely irk some INFJs. I think your post is a classical, unbridled INTJ post -- very "real," but also inadvertently hurtful because you dismiss everything we do as merely illogical (which makes us seem that you are not taking us seriously). I acknowledge the irrational actions of our behaviors (especially under stress!), which your observations really nail well, but for INFJs, there's a (not necessarily rational, but intuitive, inwardly emotional) reason for everything. Reason is not the final call for us, but what our "gut feeling" tells us. We're rarely spontaneous like the other feeling types, so when we act in some way, it would be hurt to have our actions dismissed as merely illogical or trivial. Anyway, we're not like ENFJs, so we won't lash out at you thinking this way, but we'll likely distance ourselves when we sense this.

Just my 2 cents
 

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... I think it's awesome that you know your INFJ friend well enough ... That said, your post will likely irk some INFJs ... Just my 2 cents
yeah, i put the "don't get offended" part to try and deter this. i mean, i could go on about all the help and great times my INFJ has been. it would more than likely have people start to question if i'm really an INTJ. i just figured with the OP's scenario, it might be more helpful focusing on any techniques i've noticed that an INFJ uses to deal with their issues rather than anything else.

i realize i come across in the "i'm logical, you're not" spectrum. i can see where someone would create distance from me if they believed i didn't think their matter was as grand as mine, too, but it's merely how i work - i'm not singling INFJs out. (yes, your actions may be trivial.. but so are the actions of everyone else! i'm probably not helping INFJs like me, hah.) hopefully INFJs can realize i'm not picking solely on them. if not, i've decided that i'm fine with the idea that people can either learn to tolerate how i am and go with it, or have nothing else to do with me.

i'm probably better at nailing the stress portion of an INFJ probably since.. the INFJ i know is always stressed. it is almost sad. i'm not even that stressed, as i can usually brush something off as if it's not a big deal. or i just don't care what others think, like an INFJ might.

the dual-combo of arguing is a huge bonus, i agree.
 

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No you're completely right, hope there wasn't any misunderstanding. :) I saw the "don't get offended" part, which was why I was able to read your post good-humoredly. I think your observations of the INFJ under stress are helpful both to the OP as well as other INFJs trying to understand themselves better (me included). And about the logical/illogical points I made, I've known INTJs long enough to know that that's how they function, just as I function off of my gut-feelings. In this specific sense, I'd say we're on slightly different wavelengths, to say the least. And the logical/illogical dismissal (etc) applies to most thinking types I know, but to be honest, I think that if mature individuals (regardless of type) come to a point where they can understand (but not necessarily agree) with where a person is coming from, all is well.
 

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I have a friend who used to have deep, idea rich, one-to-one conversations with me.
The problem is, she tends to withdraw for no apparent reason, is very unpredictable, and often changes her attitude. I'm always trying to figure her out, but every time I do, I end up offending her, or getting into an argument.
Our friendship is nowhere near as strong as it used to be but it's rare for me to be so enthusiastic about a discussion, or empathetic about a person. I want to learn to deal with this "inconsistency", rather than give up. I think I've offended her in the past, but she always appears to have 'gotten over it'. How do you regain trust/forgiveness of an INFJ, so things aren't so sensitive? Talking about problems usually makes them worse; I've tried.

INFJs? INTJs? Experience? Advice?
Just from the sounds of it, it seems to me like she could be interested in you. Has this been considered?

When women get all moody around me, act hurt by me even though I've done nothing noticeably wrong, and go off to deal with their feelings... after a number of positive, no-drama, and interesting interactions... that's usually a good indicator they're interested in me.

Just a thought.
 

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My best friend is an INTJ who I've known for about 10 or 11 years. The first 3-4 years of our friendship was rocky as heck. I mean, gosh I think there was 2 big instances where I stopped talking to him but during that entire first couple of years he had some issues of his own that he was dealing with that he never told me about until 2-3 years after the fact.

The thing is though, the turmoil within our friendship subsided as the years went by. He use to really grate me and I would be very blunt and show my dissatisfaction with his criticisms etc.. but we've spent so many years working around each others little things that I think our friendship is at a point where we know exactly how to be around each other pleasantly lol

It just takes some getting use to. Maybe she's going through something that she is unable to tell you about now. I still experience my INTJ friend at times withdrawing too, but I usually just chalk it up to "he's not ready to talk yet". We don't even live in the same state anymore. Once every 3 months or so we'll text each other and talk on the phone to catch up. There are times after he withdraws for a few months, and then I get a random text where he wants to tell me about what's going on in his life.

Not sure how long you've known your friend, but perhaps just giving it some time and constantly being there for them when they decide to return is the best. If you can show your trustworhtyness by giving them their space when they want it, and catching up or whatever when they're ready to talk, that's works wonders for me.

He's one of my closest friends and the friendship becomes stronger as time progresses. I don't think INTJs have a large circle of friends at all, so if you can demonstrate your reliability and stand the test of time.... it's one of those lifelong deals.
 

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An INTJ I know seems to have similar responses to your post... he keeps wondering why I keep withdrawing...

Sometimes I feel it's because of a clash of our auxilliary and/or tertiary functions... Functions don't always have everything to with it, but there are times when I remember he accuses me of being too subjective. It's a curious relationship. Sometimes he just argues with me when I clash with his personal set of principles. Arguments don't always happen, and when they do, they aren't always as heated, but when I do feel it's heated I withdraw quite quickly and I don't talk to him for weeks to months.

I think the best way to get along with him is when I discuss theories with him. I love discussing ideas and facts with him.
 

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My brother is supposedly an INTJ, we get along great.
The thing is, don't try figuring each other out. Just talk about things you both like.
Be friends. I mean, I observe people all the time, but I'm not trying to figure them out. That would be rude, I think. Instead of spending your leisure time chatting and having fun, you're trying to see what's inside their minds. You would seem less interested in hanging out but rather cracking their skull piece by piece. I would offended, that's for sure.

P.S. get further inside your friend's goodside quick. Once you're out, you could be out forever.
 
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