Personality Cafe banner

1 - 4 of 4 Posts

60 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Phew. Okay. Here we go.

I had a friend. She is an INFP. She was my best friend. One day she told me she needed to talk to me. She said she thought she had feelings for me. I told her to please be open with me about it. She didn't mention anything after that, and I was concerned, so I asked her about it a couple days later. She told me yes, she had feelings for me.

I decided I had two options:

Cease communications. Trying to be her friend while knowing she had feelings for me would be selfish and it would hurt the both of us.

Date her. I didn't want to let her go.

I chose option two.

Please note: I never had feelings for her. This is where I begin to dig my hole.

I offered it up to her and after some convincing she decided to go for it.

And... well, I freaked out, for lack of better phrasing. I dumped her within an hour (I know; ouch!) and told her we shouldn't talk anymore.

This was all very sudden. It happened quite quickly. To this day, I believe I made the right choice, but for the wrong reasons—we did talk immediately after I told her that, but it was mostly frenetic begging on her part. I should've allowed it more time, truly.

Anyway, my friend and I weren't speaking. Well, I wasn't speaking to her—she was frantic, trying to talk to me constantly. I was an emotional and physical wreck; this was all new to me. I had a crying fit. I am an unflappable person; it was alien. I had trouble breathing and couldn't function normally. This was all because I was faced with the prospect of having to leave her forever.

Yes, we were quite close.

A couple days passed peppered with her trying to contact me.

(8:12 PM) Her: ok. and i apologize for getting other people involved in this- i didn't know to do at that time.
(8:12 PM) Her: i got irrationally insecure at the thought of losing you.
(8:15 PM) Her: do you want me to continue talk to you or not after this conversation?
(8:16 PM)
Me: i will not be receptive to casual conversation.
(8:16 PM) Her: i see
(8:18 PM) Her: there is nothing i can do to ensure that you comfortably talk to me, then?
(8:18 PM)
Me: no.
(8:18 PM) Her: ok.
(10:33 PM) Her: actually, there is one more i need to ask of you: am i too insecure for your taste?
(10:35 PM) Her: or am i too insecure in general?
I'm greeted with things like this often. She seemed to be trying to blame herself or look at what she had done incorrectly.

I ended up feeling guiltier. Then I become angry because I felt guilty. Then I was frustrated because almost all of our friends knew about this—through her—now and attempted to mediate the situation. I found it meddlesome. It built up.

Finally I give up—I write two pages about this girl, the good and the bad, and I think it through the whole night. The next day I ask her the last time if she would be my girlfriend. She says yes. This is what I wrote:

I am currently experiencing an unusual and intense depth of feeling for you, and it mostly involves wanting to kiss you more than once consecutively. I have come to accept that being apart from you is a harrowing gamut of emotion.
I am remorseful and feel, sincerely, the sorriest I have ever felt for hurting someone (because I did hurt you; shut up). I would like to apologize to you a million times over and then some. You are:
intrapersonal; supportive; safe; receptive; insightful; kind; compassionate; understanding; private; tactful; imaginative; abstract; creative; principled; merciful; soft; sympathetic; empathetic; diplomatic; perceptive; intelligent; complex; /lovable/; naive; insecure; nosy; presumptuous; meddlesome; manipulable; fantasy-prone.
And a whole host of other things, but I like you a lot for all of them.
I will understand if you reject me, because I am asking you if you would like to be my girlfriend.
I won't say I'll deserve whatever pain that rejection will bring me, however. I acted from a logical and rational standpoint—that's all I'll say...
but I am truly sorry for all of the pain and hurt I caused you.
You never deserved it—any of it, really.
I love you.
Yes, very sappy, I know.

The next couple weeks were honestly a whirlwind—I made it my mission to make her happy, to be close to her, all that good stuff. I asked her if I was doing anything wrong (because once again, the meddlesome friends came in). The oddest thing was that I was always expected by our friends to fix things. I was the dominant one in the relationship. She was quite understanding, though. It helped.

Unfortunately, it went downhill from there.

I never loved her or had feelings for her. The thing was, I didn't want to lose my best friend. She was so important to me that I was willing to convince myself that I did feel something special for her, and that wasn't the case. This is where the hole I'm digging gets even deeper. Eventually, I realize what's happening. I don't want to say "I love you" to her anymore because I feel as if I'm lying. I ignore her affections because they repulse me for the same reason. I feel crappy about myself, as if I used her.

She notices, though. She asks me why I'm being distant. I lie to her and say she's just being insecure (which wasn't too far off; she did seem to... idealize me, in a way), and not to worry. She buys it, but... well, I don't. Finally, I decide it can't continue.

*I changed her name to Sammy. PCH is me. Additionally, English isn't her first language, so if what she's saying seems a bit cobbled together, you know why.

(1:13 AM)
Me: are you there?
(1:13 AM) Her: yes
(1:13 AM)
Me: we need to talk
(1:13 AM) Her: yes?
(1:13 AM)
Me: this isn't working
(1:13 AM) Her: our relationship, you meant?
(1:13 AM)
Me: yes
(1:14 AM) Her: i see
(1:14 AM) Her: why do you think of that?
(1:14 AM)
Me: i'll get to that. i'm breaking up with you
(1:14 AM) Her: ah, ok.
could you at least explain to me the reason?
(1:29 AM)
Me: what should've happened... what should've happened is i should have toughed out those couple of days where i was having the dizzy spells. i shouldn't have rethought my decision -- i told you i'm getting there -- and told myself that it would work, because i was wrong.
i never wanted a relationship, but i convinced myself that i did.
i wanted my best friend back, not a girlfriend. that's all i wanted. i panicked because i knew -- i know -- that i cannot have my best friend back, so i turned to the only alternative.
we can't be just friends. it will never work. it would be selfish of me -- whether you can see that or not -- to break up with you and then try to go back to how it was before. it was selfish of me to try to be your girlfriend in the first place. i did the right thing then. i knew either way i'd hurt you -- i would hurt myself as well -- but i knew we both could move on if i left, because you never would.
the fact is that i am not in love with you. when i had said otherwise it would've been just the moment, nothing more and nothing less than that.
(1:30 AM)
Me: i did not want to do this. i had it all planned out -- i would stay with you as long as possible and i would eventually fall in love with you. it was perfectly logical... but then it was not.
halfway through i realized it would be a lie; every bit of it.
one does not simply fall in love if one spends time with a person.
(1:30 AM)
Me: it is something more than that -- something i am not accurately able to describe. i know i am not in love with you. i love you -- but i am not in love with you.
i am sorry... sorry that i ever initiated this, sorry that i ever hurt you or myself. it was the wrong decision as much as it seemed like the right one at the time.
we are two sides of two coins, Sammy. it never would have worked because my heart -- as much as i thought it was -- was never in it in the first place.
we should not talk. it would be easier that way. i won't refuse to speak with you unless absolutely necessary.
however, i know that what i wanted is not attainable and what you want is not either,
so that's it.
1:30 AM) Her: no.
don't you ever tell me we should not talk anymore.
(1:31 AM)
Me: i will. you do not understand and i doubt you ever will, but that is the truth.
(1:31 AM) Her: ...PCH.
(1:31 AM) Her: have you thought that
(1:31 AM)
Me: i'm sorry.
(1:32 AM) Her: not being able to talk to you
hurts so
much more
(1:32 AM) Her: than everything.
have you really, truly thought that?
(1:32 AM)
Me: don't try to give me that line, Sammy. being together would hurt more than being apart.
(1:32 AM) Her: just let me say something, please.
(1:33 AM)
Me: i'm listening.
1:54 AM) Her: from what i understand, you are not in love with me after all- and do not want for us to talk to each other again because it would hurt more than going back as best friends as though nothing happened.
i... let me be honest with you, i was sort of waiting for something like this to happen. one day. but i didn't think it would be tonight.
my heart indeed experienced a sprint when we had our "moments" -and those feelings toward you were as real as they could get. those kinds of moments did indeed make me
think i was in love with you- but since i'm not feeling hurt horribly, presently, maybe i am not in love with you too. i love you, i still love you, and i will always love you no matter how many mistakes we make until today.
(1:54 AM) Her: instead i am presently feeling horrible because i know i too lied about my "absent" doubts. no, it is not to say i doubt you. i have never doubted you, PCH.
(1:55 AM) Her: with that said, you do not need to concern yourself with whether being together even after this would hurt me- i want my best friend back too. the friendship
is much easier than a complex relationship, as it seems. but would it hurt /you/?
you just need to know that you have made me happy while you could, even if it was all on a whim of mishandled decision. you would make me happier if you could allow me and yourself to get back together as best of friends.

(1:58 AM)
Me: i cannot look at you in the same way anymore. going back as if nothing happened is impossible,
because something did happen. everything that could have possibly happened did. we cannot go back as if nothing transpired. it won't and will never be the same and i refuse to subject myself through such a fruitless effort.
it has ended -- virtually everything. it is time to accept that.
(2:00 AM) Her: you were my closest friend, PCH.
(2:00 AM) Her: i just...
(2:00 AM) Her: no, still are
(2:01 AM)
Me: no. were.
(2:02 AM) Her: everything should have never ended up that way. not so soon.
(2:02 AM)
Me: there are many possible "should"s and "would"s and "could"s that will never present themselves now. it's useless to dwell on it.
That time, though, after being apart from her, it was easier. Maybe I expended all of the energy I was willing to the first time where I was having crying fits. Who knows.
Well... she tried to contact me numerous times after that, so much so that it was beginning to frustrate me. On top of that, our friends took my decision into question and told me to talk to her again and again without getting the full story. I realize it's easy to see me as the bad guy here because everything was sudden, but I didn't want to hurt her. I know what it's like.

Anyway, it was getting so bad that I was getting quite angry. This is unusual because, on the whole, I'm a calm person. It takes a bit for me to fly off the handle. A talk was needed, in any case; this might've been a good thing. After all that, though, Sammy IMs me acting as if nothing ever happened.

That... seemed to make me snap. You have to understand just how much she was trying to contact me—at least two messages every other day, and all with pleading or reasoning. Then suddenly this happens. I had told her I did not want to communicate with her anymore at least three times; not once did she listen to me. She eventually got right around to blaming me.

(12:21 AM) Her: that's... it?
(12:27 AM) Her: please at least make me understand that it's because i hurt you? then i'll stop im'ing you.
(12:44 AM) Her: this is not fair.
(12:48 AM) Her: this whole time i've been trying, trying and trying... and you ended our friendship just like that... it's just... okay.

(1:00 AM)
Me: just... like... that? i have been telling you over and over the same thing, and have you taken me seriously or stopped im'ing me like i asked you to? no. no, you haven't. i am done repeating myself continuously. I CANNOT LOOK AT YOU IN THE SAME WAY I DID BEFORE. i have absolutely no desire to be /anything/ with you, much less friends, and i cannot BELIEVE that you expect we can fix everything, especially after posting those entries about how you STILL can't get over this. i am done with this and i am done with you. i have been extremely clear with you that we should not speak anymore and i will not repeat myself. there is nothing left to clarify.
Her: i see. what upsetted me was that you seemed to always be the one who had control-- demanding that we were not to speak anymore when you realized you didn't think things throughout that night, asking me to be your girlfriend, breaking up with me because your heart was never in it in the first place-- which was sort of alright with me, by the way-- then ending our friendship. all within no more than four weeks. i looked back on all our efforts we have put in the past and thought there was still a possibility... i was not going to ignore my promise i made to myself a long time... that i would never leave you by your side, never stop leaning against you, listening to your sorrows. i wasn't trying to fix our relationship, i was trying to mend our broken friendship-- but you're right about all those entries... i am sorry. i just wish there was something i could do to make you look at me in the same way you did before. you know i don't like saying 'goobye' but now all is truly over, goodbye, PCH.
(2:07 AM)
Me: you don't understand, Sammy (and i have no idea how control has anything to do with this).
i had two options: i could either be something more with you or our relationship could not continue.
i decided on option one for that single hour because i knew that trying to just be friends with you would be /selfish/. i couldn't have my cake and eat it. it would be like ignoring a giant wart on your face. "oh, you have feelings for me! lol! look at this funny thing i saw!" but i didn't want to not talk to you! you were my best friend! so i decided that asking you to date would be better.
obviously it /wasn't/ and i realized it pretty quickly because i told you we couldn't be friends anymore... and then i came back with my tail between my legs because it was too hard. i made the right decision the first time and it sucks that i couldn't accept it, or that i never realized why i kept hopelessly trying to keep everything as it was.
i never had feelings for you and i never loved you, but i convinced myself to high heaven that i /did/ because i didn't
want to lose you.
i told myself i would wait and eventually it would /happen/ -- i would get that /feeling/ again, and it wouldn't matter how long it would take. but suddenly you were talking about being together for /years/ (not an intelligent thing to decide will happen when you've been with someone for a /week/ at most).
"years?" and i realized -- oh. well, that won't work.
it doesn't happen like that. it just /doesn't/. you aren't someone that i can fall in love with. i realized that, and i began to grow distant. i felt like whenever i said "i love you", i was lying, so i tried not to. i was disgusted whenever being together was brought up, so i changed the subject -- and all the while i felt like crap because /everything/ was a lie. then i broke up with you the second time.
i didn't want to be your girlfriend. i wanted my best friend. that's all i ever wanted, and i knew i couldn't have that anymore.
yes, i felt terrible. i felt like i had let you down.
then suddenly i was reiterating it for a third party and i got to that /single/ line that you said when we broke up.
"maybe i'm not in love with you."
...are you kidding, Sammy? you were willing to throw away EVERYTHING because you THOUGHT you were in love with me? not that i shouldn't have seen that coming a mile away because THE ONLY EXPERIENCE WITH ANYTHING RESEMBLING LOVE HAPPENED IN ELEMENTARY SCHOOL FOR YOU, but /even then/... did you REALLY not see this coming? did you honestly think that this wouldn't blow up when you decided to tell me? and the kicker is that when you mentioned it to me the first time you said YOU WEREN'T SURE! what were you thinking?! i can't even wrap my head around it!
Later, she told me she did love me... and then later, when I still remained firm, she switched it and said she didn't love me!

Then she asked me this:
Her: there is one last thing i just need to know, hear your honest answer on this. it will be the last one, i promise. again, i apologize if it hurts or if i press you on or if i sound insecure or anything of that sort. please don't think i'm testing your loyalty. but it is something i have to know for certain before i can truly and completely move on:
will you be there for me when i need you?
what do you mean?
Her says:
as a friend, specifically, that is. i understand you told me we are no longer friends that night, but i was not sure whether it was a result from you anger or if you actually meant it
your also
i also understand you cannot look at me in the same way you did before, but i'm not sure whether it also implies that you are unable to be there for me like you used to be
so, i told you three or four times that we shouldn't talk, which meant we're not friends, and then you think i'd say something like that when i'm angry and not mean it, even though i don't get angry and you're still im'ing me. and you think somehow i'll be there for you. that there might be a chance. right? otherwise you wouldn't ask. i mean, what do you think? you think i'll be there to congratulate you when you graduate? you think when you get a new pet i'll talk to you and say, "congratulations name it foofy!"? you think after all this i'll /be/ there for you like a friend would? but we're not friends. we're not. i'm not gonna be here anymore, Sammy. there is not going to be a "me" in your life. we are not best friends... we are not friends... we are not anything. we are two strangers passing each other by in a crowd. i will not be there, and i certainly won't be there for you. ever. there is no loyalty to test. i and you do not make two. i was serious from the beginning. remember? "it is over. everything.
it is time to accept that." please stop im'ing me. i will block you. i am not here for you anymore.
Her says:
yes, because i... thought you were a true friend.
well, i was. i mean, i don't define friendship. friendship happens. two people... get along somehow. they make each other's lives a little happier. there's more light somewhere. they enjoy each other. it's a good thing, something spontaneous. this particular ship sank.
i don't want you to be miserable. i'm doing what i am for both our sakes. in a way, i am there for you, i suppose. i won't be there for your milestones or your happy moments, but other people will. i'm not a one in a million person, as much as anyone would like to think so. you'll get on somehow. maybe you'll find another me, maybe you won't. the point is... we're at the afterparty. the fireworks have already gone out. it is time to go home now.
the way you worded is so gentle and straight-to-the-point. this is not what i wanted to hear, but clearly you and i approach a friendship in the different perspective. to me, a friendship is a mutual connection between two people who will be there for each other through thick and thin. in a way, i am loved and trusted when one close to me shares with me his or her inimate, deepest thoughts.
that would explain why i enjoyed playing those drawing games with you because in that way i truly felt like we were sharing our little worlds. when you drew that short tale about the tree and an alien and a 'thank you' something deep within me triggered and i knew i had to be there for you no matter what. i had to help you find your place. it felt like it was just exactly what i was here for.
yes... i do get miserable when one close to me withdraws and chooses not to share with me their intimate thoughts and feelings anymore, and that's what you're doing. i could never blame you for who you are. >>i never wanted you to be my girlfriend<<, i never wanted anything of this to happen. ever. if i never told you about my possible feelings, the ship would never have sunken, probably. of course i regret this so much, but i don't regret loving you.

i have always been so naive this whole time.
i have done what i could possibly have done, and with that knowledge, i believe i can now move on. even so, i am still here one way or another.

hello, not goodbye.
p.s. sorry for my bad english.
I'm just... What? I'm so confused and tired of this! This happened very recently, and I'm expecting her to contact me again asking...

I understand it was sudden and I was very important to her, which would be why she wouldn't want to let me go, but I told her consistently no talking. Was she in denial or something? Ahh... I'm just so frustrated with all this.

INFPs, help! What should I do? What is she thinking?

74 Posts
what a heartless inconsistent bitch, sorry. i think you're being quite a bitch to her and she is being too naive, thinking she's feeling something for someone who clearly doesn't reciprocate. thing is, she's probably idolizing you because that's what infps do when they meet someone who shares their ideals, someone to relate to. to be honest, i wouldn't be surprised that she actually DOESN'T love you, she's just fixated on you. if she met more people she would understand she can do so much better than you. she should block you and never speak to you again.

though i am not sorry i will say i'm sorry for insulting you, i don't know you, but this is how i feel. i get the feeling you're like an evil kid throwing rocks at a kitten, trying to hurt someone weaker just for the hell of it. you cannot just completely cut off someone after what you've done even if you "cannot look at her the same way anymore". who cares? is it worse to not being able to see someone the same way before or totally crying your heart out because your friend doesn't want to ever see you again. better fix the damage that you've done.

1,025 Posts
Yeah. That's probably the rudest and most hurtful way you possibly COULD break up with her. Jerk.

It is possible to "just be friends" again. After the way you've treated her, she probably doesn't have any feelings for you at all. You can talk, and just think "she doesn't have feelings for me" every time you look at her. And it will be true, even if at first she still does have some fading remnants.

She just misses the old friendship. She keeps thinking it could happen again, if she just keeps pestering you, maybe you'll respond like you used to. In a few years she probably will look back and be like, "we were FRIENDS? What was I thinking?"

She was still trying to sort out her feelings, which is why she kept flipping between girlfriend/not girlfriend. I imagine you were quite close. Just cutting communication like you're trying is like... Killing your dog that you've had for years, when its not even sick or anything. Just killing it.

4,300 Posts
She's thinking that she can handle it and she wants you to believe that she can be friends with you -- which she most likely can.

She's really hurt that you are ignoring her and dumping her as a friend just because she liked you a little too much.

You were honest with her and told her it wouldn't work -- she was honest back and told that she could get over it because she believes that she can.

She doesn't understand how you can have such deep feelings for her and just drop her like that -- she'd never do it to you so this is confusing to her and the not speaking with her only makes her more insecure.

If you want it to stop, talk to her as a friend. She will be relieved and will be your friend with no more expectations.

But, if it's as you say and you're certain you don't want to continue any friendship with her -- be really, really mean to her. I think the only way to end it then is to have her hate you.

But I would reconsider if you can. She will get over the rejection. I think she's flipping out because she's losing you as a friend.

Incidentally: IGNORING is the WORST thing you can do to an INFP. It drove me right off the deep end for the better part of a year.
1 - 4 of 4 Posts