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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Flirting? What is it? How does it work? What is the purpose? Do other INTJs do it? Do other types experience this with INTJs or do it with INTJs? I would like to know more about this subject of flirting. (The "INTJ and Dating" thread lead me to this idea, so I decided to start a new thread right here, right now.)

I have zero understanding of this concept of flirting.

It seems there is a crazy-flirting scale, as a certain type may have more craziness, they also have more flirting tendencies; that's all I have.
 

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Flirting is supposed to convey romantic interest, but it's very confusing. Signs of flirting are often cited as laughter, smiling, light contact, etc...however, many of these things merely indicate pleasantness and are usually present in conversations between friends. This results in either misconstrued intentions or confusion (Is he being nice or just flirting? Is she laughing at my jokes because I'm funny or because she likes me?). The only "non-friendship-esque" flirting I've heard of is extended eye-contact, and that's really hard to pull off without looking creepy.

I don't know how people do it, man. I really don't.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Flirting is supposed to convey romantic interest, but it's very confusing. Signs of flirting are often cited as laughter, smiling, light contact, etc...however, many of these things merely indicate pleasantness and are usually present in conversations between friends. This results in either misconstrued intentions or confusion (Is he being nice or just flirting? Is she laughing at my jokes because I'm funny or because she likes me?). The only "non-friendship-esque" flirting I've heard of is extended eye-contact, and that's really hard to pull off without looking creepy.

I don't know how people do it, man. I really don't.

I wish people can just be honest and say their intentions like saying "I like you and I would like to get to know you more." How hard is it to say that? There is no creepiness that goes into that statement. That sentence seems so simple to eliminate all the nonsensical flirting that seems to take place with other types.
 

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I rarely flirt, but it can be fun. It's like a little game to go back and forth with. After a while I'm done with it, though, and would like some straight talk. The purpose is really just to go back and forth and see if you can get the other person to take the initiative.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
I rarely flirt, but it can be fun. It's like a little game to go back and forth with. After a while I'm done with it, though, and would like some straight talk. The purpose is really just to go back and forth and see if you can get the other person to take the initiative.

That just makes me have lots more questions to this topic. For starters, why not just take the initiative instead of playing this game to hint at getting somebody else to take the initiative?

This is a very strange game. The only winning move seems to be not to play.
 

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That just makes me have lots more questions to this topic. For starters, why not just take the initiative instead of playing this game to hint at getting somebody else to take the initiative?

This is a very strange game. The only winning move seems to be not to play.
Because sometimes it's fun to see if I can get the other person to take the initiative and see what they'll do. Sometimes I'm not in any hurry so I'll have fun messing with someone and being messed with.

And no, that quote doesn't apply here. You don't lose merely by playing.
 

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I like flirting because it is a socially-sanctioned way to play with people's heads.

For real, though, I think it's a fun way to practice my social skills and learn how to be friendlier and more outgoing (so that people like me more than they did when I was a teenager).

In my opinion, it's a bit of a lost art and most people aren't very good at it. Most of the best flirting I've experienced comes from well-mannered, charming, old grandfatherly types (although it's possible that they're the only men who find me appealing). I guess I'm also a huge flirt for very 4ish reasons: I like to perform and I love feeling like the centre of attention.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Because sometimes it's fun to see if I can get the other person to take the initiative and see what they'll do. Sometimes I'm not in any hurry so I'll have fun messing with someone and being messed with.

And no, that quote doesn't apply here. You don't lose merely by playing.

Why is it "fun" to do this? It is plenty flattering just to be straightforward; now that would be fun with some blushing by just saying "I like you and I would like to get to know you more," just say it straight up. What's wrong with that? Socializing and small talk is difficult enough as it is; why not lighten the load is all I'm saying? I'm trying my best to understand this social concept.
 

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Why is it "fun" to do this? It is plenty flattering just to be straightforward; now that would be fun with some blushing by just saying "I like you and I would like to get to know you more," just say it straight up. What's wrong with that? Socializing and small talk is difficult enough as it is; why not lighten the load is all I'm saying? I'm trying my best to understand this social concept.
Because it's a game. Games are fun. Seeing how much you can get someone to react through flirting with them.

I didn't say anything is wrong with it. If you want to be blunt, go for it. Socializing isn't hard, maybe for you it's hard. Small talk ain't hard either. Also, what's flattering to you isn't necessarily what's flattering for everyone else.

It's like when you go into a big battle. You don't commit your biggest pieces immediately, because you have no idea what the other commander has or will do, so if you do that immediately you can put yourself ina very dangerous situation and potentially one where you lose everything.

Same thing with flirting. You don't go all out immediately. You take your time and probe each other. There's no hurry.
 

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I love flirting. I love the word play, banter, verbal teasing, and innuendo. It's a fun game.

When I'm romantically interested in someone I tend to be a lot more direct, although I do occasionally flirt to get a read on their interest levels before going with the direct approach.

Generally though, flirting is something I tend to do with people who are "safe" - where for whatever reason there is no real chance of a relationship or dating scenario. It's usually a co-worker, another woman, a male friend with whom there is no romantic interest, or someone who is substantially older/younger to the point where a relationship is impractical.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Because it's a game. Games are fun. Seeing how much you can get someone to react through flirting with them.

I didn't say anything is wrong with it. If you want to be blunt, go for it. Socializing isn't hard, maybe for you it's hard. Small talk ain't hard either. Also, what's flattering to you isn't necessarily what's flattering for everyone else.

It's like when you go into a big battle. You don't commit your biggest pieces immediately, because you have no idea what the other commander has or will do, so if you do that immediately you can put yourself ina very dangerous situation and potentially one where you lose everything.

Same thing with flirting. You don't go all out immediately. You take your time and probe each other. There's no hurry.

I like how you alluded into a commander of war. I like Command and Conquer and understand that part very well. You have to know what the other side behind the shroud has to offer as a retaliation. War is life and death with survival tactics. This is not life and death (you survive regardless of what happens), it is talking, so being straightforward with honest intentions should not have a downfall and should be encouraged and thus eliminating the "flirting" that would go on between people.

P.S. Command and Conquer is a true game, if it really does not work out or it seems doubtful you can save the game and try one tactic, if it fails, just load the game file and try a different tactic. Real life is not a game because you can't save it and redo it differently and socializing is not war with other people, one should be friendly and honest while socializing, if you treat socializing like war, that would make you very hostile.

P.P.S. If I say, "I like you and I would like to get to know you more," and the other person retaliates by saying "thank you, but I don't feel the same way," I will be more than happy to move onto somebody else and be very happy not to have wasted my precious time with that person; hence this would make the flirting paradigm insignificant and a complete waste of one's time. If the other person treats that statement likewise, then we can actually get to know each other more by talking about our own life and finding commonalities and that is a "date". From here on out, I've actually been much into the INTJ and dating thread very much.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
I love flirting. I love the word play, banter, verbal teasing, and innuendo. It's a fun game.

When I'm romantically interested in someone I tend to be a lot more direct, although I do occasionally flirt to get a read on their interest levels before going with the direct approach.

Generally though, flirting is something I tend to do with people who are "safe" - where for whatever reason there is no real chance of a relationship or dating scenario. It's usually a co-worker, another woman, a male friend with whom there is no romantic interest, or someone who is substantially older/younger to the point where a relationship is impractical.

So I understand that you have reasons for not being in a relationship with a certain person; there is some kind of a turn-off to that person and I understand that. But why do you flirt with them? And what do you mean by "safe"? Are you trying to be friends with them, if so, do you have trouble establishing a new-found friendship with people?

Man, I'm having more questions and confusion on this topic than when this thread started. It is hell inside my head right now while I try to justify this ill-conceived and illogical topic. I still don't know what the purpose of this flirting is. What is the initiative or goal of this "game," as everybody seems to put it? Games are supposed to have rules and objectives; so what are the rules of this "game" and what are the objectives of this "game" of flirting? I think that is my best question and I hope somebody can answer it for me.
 

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I like how you alluded into a commander of war. I like Command and Conquer and understand that part very well. You have to know what the other side behind the shroud has to offer as a retaliation. War is life and death with survival tactics. This is not life and death (you survive regardless of what happens), it is talking, so being straightforward with honest intentions should not have a downfall and should be encouraged and thus eliminating the "flirting" that would go on between people.

P.S. Command and Conquer is a true game, if it really does not work out or it seems doubtful you can save the game and try one tactic, if it fails, just load the game file and try a different tactic. Real life is not a game because you can't save it and redo it differently and socializing is not war with other people, one should be friendly and honest while socializing, if you treat socializing like war, that would make you very hostile.

P.P.S. If I say, "I like you and I would like to get to know you more," and the other person retaliates by saying "thank you, but I don't feel the same way," I will be more than happy to move onto somebody else and be very happy not to have wasted my precious time with that person; hence this would make the flirting paradigm insignificant and a complete waste of one's time. If the other person treats that statement likewise, then we can actually get to know each other more by talking about our own life and finding commonalities and that is a "date". From here on out, I've actually been much into the INTJ and dating thread very much.
Ok, first off, you don't know what the other side offers as retaliation. That's the whole point of flirting. You expose yourselves a little bit at a time and get comfortable and win each other over. The fact that you keep pushing being blunt and straightforward and talking as if flirting is a negative thing that everyone should eliminate just means this isn't really a discussion with open minds. You're stuck on your viewpoint and that's that. If you want to act like that, go for it, but don't act like flirting is some alien thing that you can never understand, and because you don't like it it must be a waste of time.

A 'true' game is one where you cannot load a save file. It's not a game if you can cheat. Who says flirting isn't friendly and honest?

You treat things as if time is so preciously limited that you should do everything to avoid wasting it. Sometimes, being relaxed brings you more opportunities than being focused on avoiding wasting time. You're focused on the end goal and wish to get there as quick as possible, so of course you wouldn't flirt.
 

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Flirting? What is it? ... that's all I have.
I'm just as lost as you are, man. People have told me that I am a huge flirt, but I have never intended to be one. I don't even know what I did to lead them to that conclusion. I tell jokes a lot, and if people (male or female) laugh, then I'll tell some more. The only time I ever actually try is when I've become good friends with a girl and I like her enough to start a relationship with her. And even then I don't know what I'm doing. I just listen to my gut and wing it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 ·
Ok, first off, you don't know what the other side offers as retaliation. That's the whole point of flirting. You expose yourselves a little bit at a time and get comfortable and win each other over. The fact that you keep pushing being blunt and straightforward and talking as if flirting is a negative thing that everyone should eliminate just means this isn't really a discussion with open minds. You're stuck on your viewpoint and that's that. If you want to act like that, go for it, but don't act like flirting is some alien thing that you can never understand, and because you don't like it it must be a waste of time.

A 'true' game is one where you cannot load a save file. It's not a game if you can cheat. Who says flirting isn't friendly and honest?

You treat things as if time is so preciously limited that you should do everything to avoid wasting it. Sometimes, being relaxed brings you more opportunities than being focused on avoiding wasting time. You're focused on the end goal and wish to get there as quick as possible, so of course you wouldn't flirt.

Being vague is not being honest with true intentions. This playing does not give the result of any kind of friendship or relationship or nullify any potential friendship or relationship; it is like being "acquaintance-zoned"; sorry for meme-ing this discussion. Being vague works in a debate because that is actually a game and you don't want to give details and facts away willy-nilly! This is not a debate, if it is, please tell me, nicely.

I will reword, one of my prime questions: What are all the possible goals of flirting? If you want a relationship, then get into it, if you want a friendship, then get into it. If you want to remain forever acquaintances, fine, then just say "hi" or "wazzup" while passing in the halls. What will being vague in a social experience ever do? It is great to talk and get to know people, but what is with flirting? Is flirting just a label that people put on things? I will continue to ask questions as always until I have a sure understanding of just about anything and everything in the world.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
I'm just as lost as you are, man. People have told me that I am a huge flirt, but I have never intended to be one. I don't even know what I did to lead them to that conclusion. I tell jokes a lot, and if people (male or female) laugh, then I'll tell some more. The only time I ever actually try is when I've become good friends with a girl and I like her enough to start a relationship with her. And even then I don't know what I'm doing. I just listen to my gut and wing it.

I'm starting to think flirting is so vague of an action that it is just a label that people use when having a conversation. Nothing good can come out of being vague. One person will think, wow he really likes me, when in fact the person says, "I was just flirting." One may also think, if he must really not like me because he is just fooling around all the time, and then the relationship has been terminated. I think the world would be a better place in terms of a social atmosphere if everybody was just honest with one another, I've said it before and I will say it again, there is no time in life to waste on this "flirting" action. Let's get things done, let's do what is needed to be done or wanted to be done.
 

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I've already said the goal of flirting. You're just not listening 'cus things are getting filtered through your need to have things your way.

This thread is basically just 'let me tell you how flirting is a waste of time, and wasting time is very bad'.
 

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I like flirting. I like the mind games, the back-and-forth, the energy.

I tend toward banter and innuendo and playfulness--where I might pop a friend in the arm with a rubber band, I'll pop a love interest in the arse. Steal a few French fries to see how he'll react. See which of us runs out of steam first.

I'll also flirt with 'safe' people to practice my skills, or just because it's a pleasant way to pass the time. Or because I need that sexual energy and don't want the actual sex.
 

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If I really like a girl, I will flirt with her no problem. If I have a crush on her, I might as well be invisible.
 

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I'm starting to think flirting is so vague of an action that it is just a label that people use when having a conversation. Nothing good can come out of being vague. One person will think, wow he really likes me, when in fact the person says, "I was just flirting." One may also think, if he must really not like me because he is just fooling around all the time, and then the relationship has been terminated. I think the world would be a better place in terms of a social atmosphere if everybody was just honest with one another, I've said it before and I will say it again, there is no time in life to waste on this "flirting" action. Let's get things done, let's do what is needed to be done or wanted to be done.
Human beings are social creatures. You know this. Flirting is something so ingrained into our genetics and has served its purpose since the dawn of humanity's first date. True flirting is when you don't realize you are doing it, it's when chemistry between another person is so good that it just happens naturally. Flirting can be used for attention (something a lot of girls are keen on doing), to manipulate, or perhaps the person was just being friendly and the other person saw it as flirting. It all comes down to intent, like anything else in life.

Now, flirting
 
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