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Hi All,

I am currently in a very difficult situation with an ISFJ lady- I am looking for help, comment, suggestions and appropriate opinion from anyone who may have experienced something similar themselves, or can give an ISFJ perspective.

An ISFJ girl and I always had a connection which for a long time neither of us acted upon. I made the jump after long deliberation, but it turned out she was seeing someone else (something which I had never contemplated, nor thought to ask about).

Since then, for the past 6 months we have been unable to stop thinking about each other and recently have taken things much further than we should have, while she is still in another relationship.

Neither of us have ever felt this strongly and intensely for anyone else than we what we do for each other, but she is fully committed her existing relationship, even after admitting such things to me.

She often holds back saying certain things to me as she feels it is not right to so while she is seeing another person and is admittedly scared of the consequences of letting go and stating outright these feelings to me.
She is "comfortable" in her current relationship, but selfishly I feel as though we could give each other much more.

She has told me that she has never cheated before, but is unable to stop herself with me, not that I make it easy for her to do so.

There are some serious complications to us being together in a "proper" relationship:

Her current boyfriend is part of her friendship group.
We work together - I am well aware of don't shit where you eat.

We have tried many times to stop, usually ending up in emotional outpourings of us promising to stop only to restart where we left off soon after, followed by guilt, anger and regret. This cycle never ends.

Things have become increasingly dangerous with us now taking risks in work, as we avoid meeting outside of work for obvious reasons.

The hurt of not being together completely has started to take its toll, with us running the risk of doing long lasting damage to each other.

What should I do? Give her space and let her make up her mind?
But I am worried that she may be content with her current situation and do nothing for fear of upsetting her boyfriend, friends and her own stability.
Should I walk away completely as she is unable to fully commit to "us" - this is difficult due to being in the same room as her 5 days a week.

Thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read this and I gladly welcome comment though I have a feeling I may not like what I am about to hear.

From my limited experience ISFJs are a very likable group of people who are often overlooked and so others don't get to personally experience the depths of your hearts and minds.

Kind Regards
Oostie
 

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Hi All,

I am currently in a very difficult situation with an ISFJ lady- I am looking for help, comment, suggestions and appropriate opinion from anyone who may have experienced something similar themselves, or can give an ISFJ perspective.

An ISFJ girl and I always had a connection which for a long time neither of us acted upon. I made the jump after long deliberation, but it turned out she was seeing someone else (something which I had never contemplated, nor thought to ask about).

Since then, for the past 6 months we have been unable to stop thinking about each other and recently have taken things much further than we should have, while she is still in another relationship.

Neither of us have ever felt this strongly and intensely for anyone else than we what we do for each other, but she is fully committed her existing relationship, even after admitting such things to me.

She often holds back saying certain things to me as she feels it is not right to so while she is seeing another person and is admittedly scared of the consequences of letting go and stating outright these feelings to me.
She is "comfortable" in her current relationship, but selfishly I feel as though we could give each other much more.

She has told me that she has never cheated before, but is unable to stop herself with me, not that I make it easy for her to do so.

There are some serious complications to us being together in a "proper" relationship:

Her current boyfriend is part of her friendship group.
We work together - I am well aware of don't shit where you eat.

We have tried many times to stop, usually ending up in emotional outpourings of us promising to stop only to restart where we left off soon after, followed by guilt, anger and regret. This cycle never ends.

Things have become increasingly dangerous with us now taking risks in work, as we avoid meeting outside of work for obvious reasons.

The hurt of not being together completely has started to take its toll, with us running the risk of doing long lasting damage to each other.

What should I do? Give her space and let her make up her mind?
But I am worried that she may be content with her current situation and do nothing for fear of upsetting her boyfriend, friends and her own stability.
Should I walk away completely as she is unable to fully commit to "us" - this is difficult due to being in the same room as her 5 days a week.

Thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read this and I gladly welcome comment though I have a feeling I may not like what I am about to hear.

From my limited experience ISFJs are a very likable group of people who are often overlooked and so others don't get to personally experience the depths of your hearts and minds.

Kind Regards
Oostie
This is hilarious because I'm in a VERY similar situation (girl is dating other guy, I work with girl, PRETTY certain girl likes me, won't act on it b/c she has boyfriend and we are co-workers, girl is aware I find her attractive, girl is ISFJ, etc.)

What I'm doing is backing off. Not in the sense of acting coy towards her (though I might be, by default, a little bit), but rather I know that the ball is in her court, I'm just going to move forward in life. It is up to HER whether she wants to take what is there and better than what she has, or if she wants to settle with "good enough."

I think you've done your part throwing the ball in her court. All you can do, at this point, is to remain patient.
 

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What should I do? Give her space and let her make up her mind?
But I am worried that she may be content with her current situation and do nothing for fear of upsetting her boyfriend, friends and her own stability.
Should I walk away completely as she is unable to fully commit to "us" - this is difficult due to being in the same room as her 5 days a week.

Thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read this and I gladly welcome comment though I have a feeling I may not like what I am about to hear.

i feel your pain. sometimes the person we connect the most with are not the ones we eventually ends up with. however as someone who cares about her, knowing that she is content in her life, is a pretty good thing. i would back off and let he make up her mind, however there is nothing wrong with showing genuine care and considerations towards her. relationships are not constant, and for most people, they do not see anything wrong with finding someone else better to be with. so maybe you can be that better person? do not become a "nice guy" though. I ll let the girl ISFJs take this one xD


From my limited experience ISFJs are a very likable group of people who are often overlooked and so others don't get to personally experience the depths of your hearts and minds.
I like the way you described ISFJs. they can be seen either as tough or quiet and distance on the outside, but very very strong feelings/love on the inside for most of the humanity xD thank you xD
 

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Hi All,

I am currently in a very difficult situation with an ISFJ lady- I am looking for help, comment, suggestions and appropriate opinion from anyone who may have experienced something similar themselves, or can give an ISFJ perspective.

An ISFJ girl and I always had a connection which for a long time neither of us acted upon. I made the jump after long deliberation, but it turned out she was seeing someone else (something which I had never contemplated, nor thought to ask about).

Since then, for the past 6 months we have been unable to stop thinking about each other and recently have taken things much further than we should have, while she is still in another relationship.

Neither of us have ever felt this strongly and intensely for anyone else than we what we do for each other, but she is fully committed her existing relationship, even after admitting such things to me.

She often holds back saying certain things to me as she feels it is not right to so while she is seeing another person and is admittedly scared of the consequences of letting go and stating outright these feelings to me.
She is "comfortable" in her current relationship, but selfishly I feel as though we could give each other much more.

She has told me that she has never cheated before, but is unable to stop herself with me, not that I make it easy for her to do so.

There are some serious complications to us being together in a "proper" relationship:

Her current boyfriend is part of her friendship group.
We work together - I am well aware of don't shit where you eat.

We have tried many times to stop, usually ending up in emotional outpourings of us promising to stop only to restart where we left off soon after, followed by guilt, anger and regret. This cycle never ends.

Things have become increasingly dangerous with us now taking risks in work, as we avoid meeting outside of work for obvious reasons.

The hurt of not being together completely has started to take its toll, with us running the risk of doing long lasting damage to each other.

What should I do? Give her space and let her make up her mind?
But I am worried that she may be content with her current situation and do nothing for fear of upsetting her boyfriend, friends and her own stability.
Should I walk away completely as she is unable to fully commit to "us" - this is difficult due to being in the same room as her 5 days a week.

Thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read this and I gladly welcome comment though I have a feeling I may not like what I am about to hear.

From my limited experience ISFJs are a very likable group of people who are often overlooked and so others don't get to personally experience the depths of your hearts and minds.

Kind Regards
Oostie
If she is cheating on her boyfriend with you, but is unable to leave her boyfriend then she doesn't feel as "strongly and intensely" about you as she says she does. She is simply eating up all the attention you two are giving her. Don't give her an ultimatum, just get out of this one because she is not ready for a mature relationship with either of you. Sounds like a childish affair, to be honest.
 

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I believe both of you to be in the wrong. She's in a relationship with someone, would you like for someone else to do this same thing to you if you were in a relationship? Just something to think about.
Also if she is willing to see you part time while dating someone, what makes you think she won't do the same to you if you two were dating? While I may never put myself in this situation, I would run from someone willing to see someone on the side while in a relationship.
 

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I think you both deserve to get together, but keep it an open relationship. She can keep with the guy she is already seeing.
 

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Honestly, move on. Let things work themselves out. Maybe she ends up marrying this guy she's with? Who knows. I'd say don't limit yourself, date other women. If she's meant to be, she'll come around.

EDIT: In college, I dated this girl very shortly. She was dating me and this other guy. She would CONSTANTLY blow him off for me though. She REALLY, REALLY wanted me, and sometimes was not so subtle about it (ex: I'd show up to her room and she'd "accidentally" be drunk). I ended up not wanting to see her anymore, and now she's engaged with the other guy.
 

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We simply aren't risk takers with love. I know this sounds absurd to many, but it's not in our cards. She might have already established in her mind that the person she is with is the one she would most likely marry. He probably gives her a sense of inner peace that we desire from our significant other. This doesn't mean that we aren't capable of feeling intense desire for others, and I think that is a battle we fight within ... but at the same time, we know that heat of passion is temporary. ISFJs typically are looking for a life-partner, not flings ... we are not driven by impulses like other types.

If she has no interest in leaving her current partner, it would be best for you to back away. She knew the option was there and didn't take it. Don't leave the ball in her court, you have control over your own destiny.
 

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You're being vague in your post so I'm not exactly sure what you two have done but basically she is cheating (physically, emotionally or otherwise) on her boyfriend with you. Do you really want to be THAT GUY?

You do realize that anybody who would cheat on her boyfriend with you, would also CHEAT ON YOU when you are in a relationship with her!

As far as this "us" that you are talking about, you two have nothing. Absolutely nothing. She's in a relationship with HIM, not you. If she wanted you, she'd be in a relationship with you.

Save your dignity and self-respect while you still can and go find another girl to have a crush on who doesn't have a boyfriend.
 

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Agree with @lizw47.

Back off. If she REALLY, truly loves you more than the boyfriend, she'll find her way towards you. But, like I said, sometimes things sort of fix themselves and she may end up getting married to the BF
 

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You do realize that anybody who would cheat on her boyfriend with you, would also CHEAT ON YOU when you are in a relationship with her!
MBTI aside (and picking at a very old thread), this is absolutely something always to remember. Cheaters cheat. Eventually they will cheat on you, too.
 
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