[SapphireRose1990]

Do you ever have the tendency to not know that you're feeling deep feelings for someone until you've inadvertently hurt them by saying there wasn't a connection (when there was. we talked every day and had been physical after a revelation of feelings), there was an emotional ending to your friendship/relationship, and they leave and ask for space?

I'll give some details to those who answer about the situation if you ask for them. I will say, though, that this guy has been hurt in the past so I'm not sure if that was playing a role in his emotion guarding.

 

[mention it]

Do you ever have the tendency to not know that you're feeling deep feelings for someone until you've inadvertently hurt them by saying there wasn't a connection (when there was. we talked every day and had been physical after a revelation of feelings), there was an emotional ending to your friendship/relationship, and they leave and ask for space?

I'll give some details to those who answer about the situation if you ask for them. I will say, though, that this guy has been hurt in the past so I'm not sure if that was playing a role in his emotion guarding.

I don't really follow. More details would be helpful.

 

[SapphireRose1990]

I don't really follow. More details would be helpful.

I made a strong emotional connection with an INTJ who also has high functioning autism. We were unofficially involved and it was rough because neither of us wanted to take it further...but then, something happened where he didn't think things through before he spoke, making me insecure in the "relationship" and it resulted in a fight (we made up) and building an even stronger connection...but then my anxiety about the last situation caught up with me and I needed to exit the grey area and I asked if he and I could be something more definitive. He's very guarded, though. He told me about all these things in his past that he's done, in the midst of tears, ashamed of himself. Anyway, he said he didn't want anything more than friendship in his life right now, so I understood, but the issue from the past that came up (which is something I don't want to discuss - it was mild in nature, but enough to make me feel insecure in the relationship). I asked him to stop with the mixed messages and he said he was giving mixed messages due to fears and self-preservation. I couldn't deal with it anymore, so I asked him to figure out how he actually felt about me. He then gave me this long summation about all that happened and then said "although we relate on many levels, we didn't connect in a way that matters..."

...Which is bull. We talked every day for a handful of months. He always came to me when something was bothering him. We naturally got in deep with each other. But he was guarded. He's been hurt before and he'd always say he was "over it". I'm an ENFP, an empath, and an intuitive. I knew he wasn't. He cannot forgive himself for what he's done in the past. He just looks down on himself.

Anyway...yeah. I told him I needed a lot of space. We haven't spoken in almost a month. He said he despises himself for hurting me. He cried and dry heaved on the phone. We were involved for a handful of months. The guy has low emotional awareness. I just couldn't anymore.

What do you think?

 

[Nature Lover]

I'm a female, so maybe you don't want my answer. I'm INTJ and displayed Asperger's traits when I was younger.

The high level of emotions described in your post would be off-putting to an INTJ -- especially someone with Asperger's. His "long summation" seemed like an attempt to provide you with an objective answer. His shame and crying sounded as if he was at the end of his rope and lost control.

You say he had "low emotional awareness." In my experience, INTJ people know their own feelings. So do people with Asperger's -- even if they can't identify other people's feelings. Both groups dislike explaining and justifying their own emotions to other people.

Why did he keep calling you and emoting? Was he trying to "fix a problem?" Did he see that it wasn't getting "fixed?" I'm not surprised that he became distressed by the drama and disconnected.

So, you want to know:
1. Did he have deep feelings for you?
2. Did he lie when he said he didn't?
3. Did previous trauma cause him to do that?

Only he knows. And what difference does it make? He had an unpleasant experience, and he wanted out. You, yourself, wanted out. He might need a deep emotional connection -- but he needs one that is calm.

 

[Mmmm]

He then gave me this long summation about all that happened and then said "although we relate on many levels, we didn't connect in a way that matters..."

...Which is bull. We talked every day for a handful of months. He always came to me when something was bothering him. We naturally got in deep with each other. But he was guarded. He's been hurt before and he'd always say he was "over it". I'm an ENFP, an empath, and an intuitive. I knew he wasn't. He cannot forgive himself for what he's done in the past. He just looks down on himself.

Anyway...yeah. I told him I needed a lot of space. We haven't spoken in almost a month. He said he despises himself for hurting me. He cried and dry heaved on the phone. We were involved for a handful of months. The guy has low emotional awareness. I just couldn't anymore.

What do you think?

I'm sorry you are hurting, relationships are complex, especially when circumstances are difficult, like you described. However, he himself told you, why he doesn't want a romantic relationship with you. Even though you did connect on certain levels, apparently there's more that he needs, that you, can't give him. He may not even be able to articulate what that is, he just knows it's not viable. I don't think there's anything you can do to compensate for that, at times, you just have to let the person figure out what they need on their own. The time apart should help, if he contacts you, then great, but if not, I wouldn't reach out to him anymore, because you will end up hurting yourself more.

 

[Blue Flower]

I made a strong emotional connection with an INTJ who also has high functioning autism. We were unofficially involved and it was rough because neither of us wanted to take it further...but then, something happened where he didn't think things through before he spoke, making me insecure in the "relationship" and it resulted in a fight (we made up) and building an even stronger connection...but then my anxiety about the last situation caught up with me and I needed to exit the grey area and I asked if he and I could be something more definitive. He's very guarded, though. He told me about all these things in his past that he's done, in the midst of tears, ashamed of himself. Anyway, he said he didn't want anything more than friendship in his life right now, so I understood, but the issue from the past that came up (which is something I don't want to discuss - it was mild in nature, but enough to make me feel insecure in the relationship). I asked him to stop with the mixed messages and he said he was giving mixed messages due to fears and self-preservation. I couldn't deal with it anymore, so I asked him to figure out how he actually felt about me. He then gave me this long summation about all that happened and then said "although we relate on many levels, we didn't connect in a way that matters..."

...Which is bull. We talked every day for a handful of months. He always came to me when something was bothering him. We naturally got in deep with each other. But he was guarded. He's been hurt before and he'd always say he was "over it". I'm an ENFP, an empath, and an intuitive. I knew he wasn't. He cannot forgive himself for what he's done in the past. He just looks down on himself.

Anyway...yeah. I told him I needed a lot of space. We haven't spoken in almost a month. He said he despises himself for hurting me. He cried and dry heaved on the phone. We were involved for a handful of months. The guy has low emotional awareness. I just couldn't anymore.

What do you think?

Accidentally hurting people by not understanding how what they say can come across happens to all of us but it can be a more common problem for people on the autism spectrum. No one likes to hurt those they care about so this can lead to a spiral. I think if the partner can take a step back and understand it helps, but sometimes intervention with a skilled counselor who can help both partners understand how to bridge the gap is needed.

As for being an empath, I found that when I was young I often had people confess things to me that they were not ready to tell and then they’d flee. We have a knack for getting people to open up. I mostly had to turn that off. It was overwhelming to me and I felt I wasn’t helping people either. I have refined it to a degree. Just because we see what people hide does not mean we should encourage them to reveal it. That is what romantic partners do for each other, true, but that comes when you are in a committed relationship and both feel very safe. Until then I think it’s dangerous. Even trained therapists have people quit if they reveal too much too soon. People are entitled to keep the walls they build.

Sometimes what I do is take what I see and then find ways to sneak positive comments and reassurances in to help boost confidence. But I no longer try to get anyone to talk. I’m not sure how much you encouraged him and how much he brought up completely without prompting, but I have had more stable relationships since I learned to let people talk on their own, or not at all.

 

[clem]

INTJ has pretty good Fi so usually knows their feelings. ENTJ could be worse than INTJ at that.

 

[infjpeach]

I think this is what you need to listen to.

...we didn't connect in a way that matters..

INTJs mean what they say, listen.

 

[Necrofantasia]

Think of it this way: It's likely he meant it when he said you didn't connect in a way that matters.
Your disbelief, and extra tampering will either
a) Only ruin what positive things are there, if he is in fact aware and certain. If he has been through shit, it will come across as invasive or disrespectful of his condition.
or
b) Prevent an organic change of mind if he isn't certain, or at least a change of mind can be called into question as non-genuine if you don't let it happen of its own volition.

So, whether you believe it or not, the best decision is to back off.

 

[Blue Flower]

I think this is what you need to listen to.



INTJs mean what they say, listen.

While this is true, people on the autism spectrum struggle deeply with emotional communication and can’t always say what they mean. Do a search for “Asperger’s marriage”. Read people’s stories.

This falls under “collective wisdom is not helpful here”.