Personality Cafe banner

1 - 9 of 9 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
41 Posts
Discussion Starter #1
Good midnight, All. I'm experiencing some mental anguish that needs to be vented, so I'm turning to you guys for advice. Bare with me, this is going to be long.

I haven't visited this website in nearly three years and I'm almost distraught to say I've lost myself. I suppose that's to be expected at such a young, troubling age (20), however I've been faced with a predicament and I hope my providing my age prior to explanation doesn't cause any unnecessary biases.

Someway, somehow, I managed to encounter an ENFP in the wild and I've been an absolute mess ever since. I was lonely before I'd met him. I wasn't thrilled with life before I'd met him. I had classic symptoms of chronic depression before I'd met him. But there was something I can only describe as effortless and intense about the entire encounter which left me making bad decisions and starting to fall for a married man. (Don't worry, he was 26). I cannot say I love him, because love generally requires a foundation of bonding and time, but I definitely feel almost hopelessly infatuated. Hopelessly -- because he is married and has a child. The attraction was so intense that I'd gone against all of my own morals and became a mistress for a solid 2 months. I involved myself with him and now I wish I'd never met him, and not because I was hurt when it had to end, but because the whole incident left me even lonelier and more depressed than I was before.

I feel like I'll never be able to find that feeling of pre-destined connection again. It's an irrational thought, I'm aware, but the odds seem slim and I'm distraught over the low probability because the loneliness hangs over my head like a gloomy cloud -- I can still perform my day-to-day functions, but it's always there blocking the sunlight.

To put it into perspective -- I could simply be sitting in the same room as him, regardless of how many other people were present, and I would instantly feel substantially calmer. I didn't have to speak to him or look at him. His presence alone made me feel inexplicably at ease, from the first time I met him.

I think I'm mostly upset for a selfish reason -- I saw the potential in him to help center me again and I felt so close to that opportunity when he abruptly ended things. I haven't felt like myself in a long while. I've had brain fog for what feels like years and am just increasingly becoming more and more lost from the version of myself that I felt most comfortable. With him, I had a glimpse of that version of myself again and saw how easy it would be to be her again. But it seemed entirely dependent on his presence.

Has anyone else ever experienced anything like this with any types, not confined to only ENFPs? And is there actual hope out there for us INTJs finding effortless love? Loneliness festers.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
4,227 Posts
I can't believe I'm giving romantic advice here. Actually, thinking aloud, it isn't really advice as much as just some comments on the whole INTJ/ENFP trope.

Maybe I'm the only one, but find my interactions with ENFP to be an extremely mixed bag. Some are really awesome friends, but others drive me absolutely insane.

I think MBTI people, and a lot of the forum folks here have made a big mistake thinking ENFP and INTJ are some kind of seamless, idealized match. The MBTI people are another topic, but the INTJ's here who idealize the relationship usually make the assumption that because someone is friendly and shows personalized interest in you that a kind of committed relationship will naturally unfold as the next step. With ENFP, I have found that the opinion sharing and "closeness" is quite easy, but the actual committed relationship aspect is extremely difficult. This is reinforced by the thousands of INTJ and ENFP that come on here and talk about these charming, wonderful friendships that become confusing when the actual relationship would be expected to take place. ENFP and INTJ actually have quite different expectations when it comes to serious relationships.

INTJ as a type generally expect the other person to take the initiative for both the Feeling and Sensory aspects of the relationship. ENFP are quite adept at the Feeling component, hearing us out, making conversation, being interested to hear us articulate ideas and advice.

INTJ also subconsciously expect a partner to have an unlimited supply of friendliness and love - which ENFP like to provide, but will eventually expect something in return. They won't feel like asking us about our interests, inviting us places, ingratiating us with compliments and what not forever. INTJ have a weakness in not initiating these kinds of shows of friendship with others, but expecting it for themselves.

ENFP are not so keen on making their attraction so obvious and in plain sight that the INTJ has zero room for doubt. This is actually a really important quality that most INTJ's don't realize they actually want. INTJ very much want to be won over by a partner shamelessly going after them - which requires a lack of ambiguity in feeling, and willingness to prove oneself past barriers. This relates more to Sensing.

ENFP are quite adept at playing games, and to some extent equally indecisive as INTJ's when it comes to this aspect of the relationship. They end up viewing us as an option, and we end up waiting for them to make a move, which results in a "to be determined later" mindset and confusion to the real state of the relationship on both sides.

This isn't to criticize ENFP - I really like ENFP - but am just aware of the hidden issues that come along with prospecting them romantically.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,276 Posts
It definitely seems to depend on the INTJ and ENFP, but when it works, it works really well.

From my experience here, INTJ males and ENFP females tend to work out a little better. The INTJ females either seem to:
1. Fall hard (or love them as friends)
2. Not like ENFPs or be resistant to the idea of INTJ-ENFP couples
@Figure makes good points. Mutual understanding, communication, and (at some point) discussion of expectations etc. is absolutely necessary for it to work.

Disclaimer:
 

I knew I had a deep connection with the one ENFP I'll talk about before I knew anything about MBTI. The traits of an ENFP are something that I've always found extremely attractive in the opposite sex for as long as I can remember. There's one girl I can even remember from grade school, who I had a crush on for the longest time, that looking back was probably an ENFP. So when I talk about this sort of thing, I realize it's a bit of a trope, but I'm being genuine and it's also not some attitude I picked up from learning about MBTI.


I will say that the ENFP I know understands me and loves me at a fundamental level like no one else does. She doesn't take me for granted, and understands and appreciates that there's a lot of depth to me that most people don't get to see. She challenges me and teases me about the way my INTJ self is, but doesn't box me or idealize me the way most people do.

We've talked it over recently, and we both said we could see each other being a couple at some point. She's the type of girl I could honestly see myself marrying. (That or an xNTJ.) Clearing the air (in terms of feels and being honest with each other) was extremely helpful, and has made our connection grow.

In a lot more ways than one would think, it's like looking into a mirror. We somehow manage to balance each other but magnify our best traits, and we truly do see the best in each other, but love the whole. Fi does that really well. I feel like it's okay to be vulnerable with her. In fact, I enjoy it. There's no else even close to that level, and looking at the people in my life now, no one else who could get there.

So yes, I think with the right person love can feel effortless and pure -even for, or especially with, an INTJ. The kind of love might differ, depending on who the other person is. Might be more head or heart, more pragmatic or romantic. And it's worth holding out for, and beyond that, seeking out. I, for one, will never settle unless it's with the "right" person. "The One." I'm a weird mix of cynical and huge closet romantic.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
9,424 Posts
Mm'. I miss my ENFP. We were marvelous together for years (&) would do it again. Good for you; you have dug deeper than their exterior surface(s) [typology stereotypes]. Getting closer to them; they do calm down sufficiently (&) you will see how intensely devoted and keen they can be. [You need to pry them away with a stick; as they do attach securely once done]. They can indeed, be rather addictive darlings once you have grown close.

Granted, you need to get them to calm down [which is having them fall/latch on for you] (e.g., Gain their trust). Like any type, like INTJ, they have a ("inner side"), as well, to which I am not sure why it is always given to [snowflake] NT's. Most type(s) aren't differential in their regards, like the superficialness [stereotype] of the "robotic" INTJ which demonstrably false, the same follows suit for others.

Having them explain the reasoning behind their uppity-type; it is actually routed in compassion/concern for people, which made me simply gawk' in admiration for such notice / sensitivities once expressed. Someone must do it. They are rather devoted to other(s); making them feel good, bringing people together and swaying moods of those down. It interesting how they explain it; it is an obvious passion I can respect, when explained in a [specific] light.

Getting them to "commit" -- wasn't complicated; but our understanding(s) of commitment severely differed; but presented with the threat of losing you [they fix right up]. That is, communicating your discomfort(s), and asserting it firmly. They are actually highly able to adjust to your problem(s) on the matter. I hadn't any problems after her besides our rocky-start-up. They tend to over-think; (&) are highly assumptive at that -- they go on [repeat] to ad-infinitum and so on, but again, this can be soothed [with getting stern - direct] with them, as any other.

(1) Be stern / direct / tough on them [and you won't have any problems].

________

 
If you dislike lazy partner(s); the ENFP is for you.

If you fancy an individual that thrives off (actually corrects the error), rather than whine, "constructive" criticism, ENFP is for you. Can almost appear very (Te) like.

If you fancy individuals with a strong knowledge of their personal beliefs; ENFP is for you.

If you desire someone strongly supportive; and will march and (cheer) for you, ENFP is for you.

If you desire flexibility, change, (&) new experience within your life [rather than repetitive routine], ENFP is for you.

If you adore someone that will consider [your words/feelings], ENFP is for you.

If you enjoy intellectual discussion(s) about whatever; your (Ni)-combo pop(s) out, without being found "strange", ENFP is for you.

If you wishing to find someone that accept(s) your quirk(s) with great curiosity and enthusiasm, ENFP is for you.

If you are seeking an individual with a high-functioning sex-drive, ENFP is for you.

___________

Et al.


__________________________

Now if you interested in the NFPs, INFP for myself, was much more [idealistic] in the INTJ/INFP romanticism category, however, I found them sufficiently a tad lazier, too idealistic without implementation, and their (Fi)-dom problematic, while I did find them "calmer" and more "steady", some aspects felt parental or similar to "mothering them" constantly.

Interestingly enough; I found the ENFP more interested in intellectual pursuits (&) learning new thing(s), with a nice good rant to contribute, rather than simply listen. Although if [dislike] all the spoiler trait(s); and prefer a more opposition -- I would suggest the INFP.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
24 Posts
Is a hard moment, in my experience the overthinking is motiveted by emotions, generaly is the excitement of curiosity, but in this moments is motiveted by sadness and this create desastrous ideas who ocuppy your entire mind, in simple words we are "mental drama queens". The cruel thing is that contrary with ideas, feelings just go when they want and your only option is to be patient, dont make decisions based on your current state, and most important, don't asume this is going to last forever, just wait. Meanwhile take all that information and analyze it as imparcial as you can, try to figure out how the things ended like that and how was your behavior, all this for future reference.

Now, such thing as "finding effortless love" is an utopy who no one regartless of their type can said is real. But life is full of ironies, so definitly is posible for INTJ's find love.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,276 Posts
Ah this post made me smile.
Mm'. I miss my ENFP. We were marvelous together for years (&) would do it again. Good for you; you have dug deeper than their exterior surface(s) [typology stereotypes]. Getting closer to them; they do calm down sufficiently (&) you will see how intensely devoted and keen they can be. [You need to pry them away with a stick; as they do attach securely once done]. They can indeed, be rather addictive darlings once you have grown close.

Granted, you need to get them to calm down [which is having them fall/latch on for you] (e.g., Gain their trust).
You're completely right on this. I really appreciate the ENFP I know's calmer, more introverted moments. Those are precious. And once you're in, you're in. The commitment is rather humbling.

Getting them to "commit" -- wasn't complicated; but our understanding(s) of commitment severely differed; but presented with the threat of losing you [they fix right up]. That is, communicating your discomfort(s), and asserting it firmly. They are actually highly able to adjust to your problem(s) on the matter. I hadn't any problems after her besides our rocky-start-up. They tend to over-think; (&) are highly assumptive at that -- they go on [repeat] to ad-infinitum and so on, but again, this can be soothed [with getting stern - direct] with them, as any other.

(1) Be stern / direct / tough on them [and you won't have any problems].
I agree. Laying things out and being stern definitely helps. ENFP has told me that one of the things she likes most about me is hat I have my shit together and I center her.

If you dislike lazy partner(s); the ENFP is for you.

If you fancy an individual that thrives off (actually corrects the error), rather than whine, "constructive" criticism, ENFP is for you. Can almost appear very (Te) like.

If you fancy individuals with a strong knowledge of their personal beliefs; ENFP is for you.

If you desire someone strongly supportive; and will march and (cheer) for you, ENFP is for you.

If you desire flexibility, change, (&) new experience within your life [rather than repetitive routine], ENFP is for you.

If you adore someone that will consider [your words/feelings], ENFP is for you.

If you enjoy intellectual discussion(s) about whatever; your (Ni)-combo pop(s) out, without being found "strange", ENFP is for you.

If you wishing to find someone that accept(s) your quirk(s) with great curiosity and enthusiasm, ENFP is for you.

If you are seeking an individual with a high-functioning sex-drive, ENFP is for you.
I find all of this true as well. It really captures a lot of what I find attractive about them as a whole. The spontaneity, clever conversation, and supportiveness get through my walls. Fe generally just bounces off
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,320 Posts
Nothing more to add here other than that I think @Figure, @Catwalk and @RexMaximus each got different aspects right.
To summarize, the good parts are clearly all there N-N combination, I-E difference, T-F difference and J-P difference. These are all great. The main good parts from my POV are :
1. A clear sense of feelings that is personal and externally influenced. Example - the ability to blow off Christmas with family. I would have to say that secondary Fi is the biggest draw after the intuitive side.

2. Tertiary Te is a good thing since it supports my need for planning. Mostly, as @Catwalk said, being firm about what is needed in terms of planning gets quick acceptance.

If anything is an issue, I would say it would be dominant Ne and inferior Si. Dominant Ne causes all sorts of scatter brained approach problems and can feel very much like flitting from one idea to another. One day, it will be one idea, two weeks later another one. And each of these ideas will be followed with an intensity that I cannot summon in such a short span of time. Takes a long time to light my fire, and even then my fire burns slowly and steadily. Inferior Si is probably the biggest of them all. I don't understand it very well but I can see there are issues surrounding it.

At a personal level, I get along very well with the ENFP I know. Life is always fun around her and I make sure I have the time to have my own energy.
 
1 - 9 of 9 Posts
Top